tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66114501237639632882023-11-15T06:19:52.324-08:00Pray, Repent, Love, Repeatprayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-33430624687879273912022-07-12T16:29:00.005-07:002022-07-14T05:51:15.747-07:00I'm Tired of Feeling Guilt and Pressure<p><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I have written blogs, I just never publish them.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Writing for me is very revealing.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">And…Is it that important to reveal my honest,
true self and what I am going through? I don’t know.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I don’t think so.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">If it helped someone then, maybe.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">So in that hope……</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
tend to think of my life as, before and after. Who and what I was before coming
home from our mission, and who I’ve become after the mission. For a long time
now I have felt disappointed in myself. Like this, “after” girl isn’t as good
as the, “before” girl.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I don’t know how
many times I’ve thought to myself in these past years, “What’s wrong with me?”
“I just want to be who I use to be.”</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">“Why
can’t I make myself be that person again?”</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">
</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I think it has something to do with my physical health or maybe some
emotional health issues, but I’m not sure.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="background: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Anyway,
I wish I could. I can’t. I’ve tried.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
can’t. There’s so much I either don’t do, or can’t do. I’m not sure which of
those it is.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">But I just can’t make
myself do more.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I use to just do
whatever popped into my mind that I thought I should be doing.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">It was so easy.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’m not sure why it’s so hard now.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">But I know I just can’t be that person
anymore.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I hate that I can’t be that
girl.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">She
was so great. I liked her so much. I liked how motivated and strong she felt. I
liked how when she was told something she should do at church or in conference,
she just started doing it.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Looking back
at her I don’t think she thought it was easy but just thought she could do it
and did.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
remember at a young age hearing I should write in a journal, so I started doing
that. I heard about going to the temple, so I just started doing that, first
monthly, then bi-monthly, then when all of my kids were in school full-time,
weekly. I knew I should do my visiting teaching every month and fulfill my
callings well, send out Christmas family letters, make Christmas neighbor gifts,
work on scrapbooks, read the classics or other types of learning books, do all
the driving and supporting to make sure my kids are successful, keep my house clean, eat healthy, exercise, and do lots of wholesome recreational
activities, etc., etc.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">You know what I
mean.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
just loved that girl. I loved feeling motivated, feeling strong, feeling
capable of working on things. I didn’t even realize I felt that way, it was
just normal.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Being
in a place where I’m not feeling those ways anymore has brought some
realizations into my life. Those are what I want to share:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">First
I have felt a lot of guilt and pressure.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">
</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I have thought I should just be able to make myself do all things I use
to do. And there is so much guilt and pressure that goes along with a list of
what you feel God wants you to be and do that you just can’t do. It has felt
like weakness to me. And all I’ve thought about for years is wanting to get
back. </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Now I don’t write in my journal, I
don’t do scrapbooks, I don’t write a Christmas newsletter, I don’t make
neighbor gifts, I don’t write in my blog, I don’t go to the temple every week.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I feel so much anxiety just thinking about
those things.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">If I read a book its fiction non-thinking material. I don’t want to have to learn anything.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I could always clean my house more, but I
don’t.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
don’t mean to say I don’t do anything. I read my scriptures every day and
listen to my podcast that go along with that. I do go to the temple monthly. I
spend time preparing to teach missionary prep at BYU, which I enjoy. And I
still go to church and eat healthy and exercise. But you know what I mean, I’m
just not able to do all the things. And I have felt broken.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">But I
am learning something about God coming from a place of weakness that I could
have never learned about Him coming from a place of strength. What I’ve learned
is that God still helps me teach with the sprit at BYU. I still feel his love
and understanding when I pray. (That has felt amazing to me and has been very
eye opening to me.)</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I still feel the
gifts of the spirit like love, compassion for others and understanding.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I still hear his voice.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I still have the energy to do some service.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I can still feel the spirit.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">In my super busy, hardworking “before”, life,
I never thought that would be the case.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
think I thought God was a God of “you have to do all the things” to feel his
love and spirit.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Amazing to find out
God loves you even when you aren’t the fastest runner.</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve
learned that there is a lot of things I felt I should do, that aren’t sins if I’m
not doing them.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I woke up one morning in
December and thought I should do a Christmas newsletter and some Christmas
neighbor gifts, I haven’t don’t that in YEARS, and instantly felt so anxious
and overwhelmed that I felt sick.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">(Yes I
am feeling some anxiety I’ve never had before and some lingering depression
from years ago.)</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">But I also heard a
voice say, “It’s not a sin if you don’t do those things.”</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Such a good perspective.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">There are a lot of “should do’s in life”
that aren’t sins if you’re not doing them.</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve
learned that in the back of my mind; in a place in my subconscious, that my
whole life I’ve been working for love. I could write a whole blog about that
but basically I think I felt a lot of pressure in my life to do everything God
might expect of me or people might expect of me to meet expectations so they
would love me and be happy with me. When you can’t do all the things anymore it
exposes you to the question, “Will they still love me?”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
have become very sensitive to not working for love anymore. Going through this
feeling of not being able to do all that I use to do and questioning, "Will I
still be loved?" has brought learning I would have never had if I had always been
strong.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">What I’ve learned is something
very profound about God and people, “When they love it’s because of who they
are, not because of who I am.”</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve
heard that statement before, but now I know it’s really true.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I don’t have to work for love.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">If someone is going to love me, it’s because
of who they are and I can just be me.</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve
questioned God about this, seeking for understanding. Because I’ve always felt
God wants us to be more, and do more. I feel like that’s what conference talks,
church lessons, fire sides, always teach us. Do more.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">So how does this work?</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">As I’ve tried to gain understanding in my
mind about this, this is what I’ve come up with:</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="background: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">When
I look at my children I love them so much. I’m satisfied with where each one of
them are at. I think they’re all doing well. And I feel happy with them. But,
do I want more for them? Yes! I want more for each one of them. More of the
things I know would bring growth and happiness into their life. That’s
interesting to me. I feel happy and satisfied with where each one of them are
at, but yes I would like more for them.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="background: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Understanding
this about myself with my own children helps me understand God. I don’t feel
like I ever pressure my children to do something. I don’t tell them, force them,
make them, pressure them, push them, (at least I hope not,) and even saying
those words make me feel a loss of the spirit. So I know those things are not
from God. And I know that is not what God is doing to me. Yes there are things
I could do better. But he’s not there to push me, pressure me, force me, or
make me. </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">He wants more from me, for my own happiness. But I don’t need to
feel like he’s disappointed in me when I just can’t bring myself to do more.</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
have learned through the spirit that it’s OK for me to be where I’m at, to feel
the ways that I’m feeling, and be who I am now. I heard those words in prayer
at a really low point a few months ago, “It’s ok to be who you are now and feel
the ways you feel now.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">It’s ok for you
to feel your feelings and not have to be who you use to be.”</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Man I just cried.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’m not broken and I don’t need to get back
to that girl I used to be. God said to me, "It's Ok to be who you are now." It must be true. I have to trust that. This girl is great too. What a huge realization that
is for me. I liked that girl a lot, but I like this girl too. </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">It was so
great learning things from a place of strength and capability. But it’s great
to learn things from a place of weakness too, they are different things.</u><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> I
have been learning very valuable things that I would never have been able to
learn. I love knowing that I don’t have to work for God’s love and I don’t have
to be a certain kind of person for him to be pleased and OK with me. I love
knowing that all the things on my list of what I should be doing, don’t make me
worthy. They aren’t sins. If you can’t do everything.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
have also learned this other great thing. God actually wants us to enjoy our
life.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I have thought plenty about God
wants me to learn, grow, change and progress.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">
</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I have never thought God wants me to enjoy my life.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">It’s not all about getting outside of my
comfort zone and doing more and learning more and doing better and pushing
myself. And I’m not saying that’s bad. Like I said I really liked being that
way and feeling super capable and being really busy and getting a lot done was
awesome.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">What I’m saying is that what
I’m learning now is that it’s also great to relax, go slow, and enjoy my life.
A Sunday school teacher last year explained it in such a way that really helped
me. He’s from a culture that is more relaxed naturally and he said, “When I go
on vacation I don’t have a long list of things I need to do and places I need to
see, that if I don’t get too, I feel I didn’t have a good vacation.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">When I go on vacation I want to sit on the
beach and enjoy the water and the sun.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
want to eat some good food.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I want to
take a nap. I want to feel like I enjoyed myself.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">It’s not all about going and seeing and
doing. And it works this way with God also.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">
</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">God wants us to enjoy our life.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="background: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Wow! </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve
always thought God was only about our growth, learning and progression. But God also want me to enjoy my life.</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="background: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I
know God is in the balance of everything and the adversary always wants to pull
us to the edges. So it would make so much sense God would want us to have a
balance, to not just work but also be able to enjoy the beautiful gift that
he’s given us of life. To have times where we relax, slow down, and feel the
peace and beauty of existence. I know God is always in the balance; that Christ’s
spirit is in the middle. When we get into the extreme edges and the pendulum
swings all the way over that were under shooting or over shooting the mark, so
this makes so much sense to me.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’m
writing a book. I’m going through all of my journals throughout my life and
compiling all my learning and changing and spiritual experiences into one place.
It’s like the plates of Melonie. It’s a book about God’s dealings in my life. I
try to write every day. I have felt God wanting me to do this since returning
from our mission. I’ve had so much inside of me I want to say about God’s power.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I want to shout it from the rooftops. But I
crashed and burned so hard when we came home. The entire last year of our
mission God literally carried me as I clung to him to survive, and then when
everything imploded when we got home it was too much and I was destroyed. </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve never fully returned to that place of
dealing with God.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">But I have found a new
place.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Feeling like I should write a
book at that time was a lot.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I felt
resentment toward God. I didn’t want to do it but I felt I should, but I
couldn’t, so resentment inside of me was born. After seven years of trying to
write this book what I have learned is, I don’t ever want to place God in a
position where I think he is pressuring me to do something. </span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">I don’t ever
want to put people in a place of pushing or pressuring me to meet their
expectations so that they will love me or be pleased with me. I don’t want to
ever attach, should do, must do, or have to do, to any language in my mind. I
am tired of feeling the pressure and guilt of that. After years I’m just so exhausted at those
words. I remind myself that God is not a
God who pushes, pressures, forces, makes, manipulates, or anything like
that. I know when I feel those ways it’s
not God. I feel a loss of the spirit
when I do let those feelings in and so I know it’s not of Him</u><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="background: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’m
super happy learning to do things because I want to do them, and that’s the
only reason, it’s like establishing independence in my life. Nobody is making
me, pressuring me, or forcing me to do anything.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I read my scriptures every day because I want
to do it.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">If I write in my book it’s
because I want to do it and I know I’ll have a better day.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">If I listen to my spiritual podcast it’s
because I enjoy it</span><u style="color: #201f1e; font-family: "Segoe UI", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">. It’s very freeing to detach guilt and pressure to my
day. I do these things because I know I’ll feel good if I do it. I know I’ll
bring energy to my life if I do it. I know that I’ll feel happy.</u></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span face=""Segoe UI","sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">As I
write this I’m out walking in the park and it’s such a beautiful morning.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">(I’m just speaking into my phone.) In this
exact moment it has started to rain really hard and I’m taking refuge under a
pavilion and I’m looking out at the green grass and the birds flying around and
beautiful green trees, the gray sky and the gray mountains and all I can feel
is so much gratitude for life. I’m grateful for slow times to just sit and feel
grateful for the moisture, feel grateful for the sun peeking through the
clouds, feel grateful for the sound of birds. It’s all so beautiful. Life is
beautiful. I want you to see it, feel it, and let it in.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">And know God wants you to be happy and it’s
not his voice that is pushing, pressuring, forcing, or making you.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="background-color: white; color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">His voice is different from that.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;"><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">I’ve actually written
a few blogs in the past few years but I never publish them. I don’t know if
I’ll publish this one but I might. If I want to.</span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><span face=""Segoe UI", "sans-serif"" style="color: #201f1e; font-size: 11.5pt;">Not because I feel guilt and pressure to do
it, but because I want too.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-47987078220452294532020-12-06T14:01:00.001-08:002020-12-06T14:01:54.665-08:00Do you judge yourself and your value through the eyes of the world?<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Most people without recognizing it judge themselves through
the world’s eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you what the world
says is valuable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you have what the
world says is important?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Historically
you were valuable if you were born into a noble family, your property and
holdings were large, your income substantial, physical beauty, the color of
your skin, and the skill to charm and socialize with others who were thought to
be important. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What the world values does change in some ways, but consistently
wealth, power, and fame seem to have remained the same. If you’re one of those
people who even subconsciously judge yourself from the view of the world, you
feel valuable when others admire you, pay attention to you, and listen to
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heck, if others think you’re great,
then aren’t you great?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would make
sense, right?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For years growing up I thought it was true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I judged myself from the view of the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know it at the time, it was all very
subconscious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I heard the world
say I was of value if I was ambitious and accomplishing things, if I was thin
and pretty, on top of things and put together, and eventually I came to realize
I believed it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had dreams of getting a
master’s degree and teaching dance on a university level, or dancing
professionally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, that was the
epitome of reaching my ultimate worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When the spirit spoke to me about staying home with my
children and leaving accomplishment behind it was personally devastating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God wanted me to be nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to fight to be more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wondered if I should start my own business, maybe have some leadership callings
in the church, etc. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that time I still
didn’t understand I was basing my value on what the world would think of me and
so it bled into my parenting also<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
started to see my children through the world’s eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They needed to be good at something, be on a
team and excel at sports or music, they needed to get good grades because they
had to go to BYU; they needed to do something important and special, so they
could be important and special.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
mourned when we found out Nathan and Jordan were going to be lucky if they grew
to 5’2”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so sad. I knew it would
be so hard to live in a world and feel valued when you are a 5’2” male.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Lord took me through many different experiences to help
me see what I was doing, the terribleness of it, and get me to the other side;
past the world, where value comes from God and my own divine worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took about two years of feeling like a
complete failure when I was around 45 years old for the Lord to put the cherry
on top and finally get me to completely change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I walked away from those years of crisis with absolute knowledge that
what is in my heart and mind is the absolute most important thing, and God
looks on my heart and never sees or judges me the way the world does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In our world today I imagine it is incredible hard for young
people to understand and get true value from the correct source.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much visual information is prevalent of
what the world thinks is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
many followers, how many likes, how many views instantly pass judgment on your
value as a person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you started some
type of business?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has that business made
a lot of money?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is your make-up and hair
the latest trend?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you doing something
cool on a great vacation? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are your
clothes current?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is your body fit and muscular?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you making great money at your great job?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ETC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is all what the world says is valuable about you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so easy to buy into it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it is a lie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m not saying any of these things are bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am just saying they have nothing to do with
your value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we buy into what the world says makes us
valuable, and it’s really easy to do that, then we are placing ourselves in a
position to be tossed to and fro, seeking our value from a source that lacks depth,
intellect or knowledge; and is only concerned with what is visually obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have no solid foundation basing our personal
worth on what is biased and false.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For example this world is all about competing and
comparing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when you fall into
comparison and competing you feel lack of confidence and self-esteem and feel
insecure and unworthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This world is about
being the center of attention and if everyone isn’t looking at you, admiring
you and noticing you then you’re not really that great. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This world is about doing things that look
good to be esteemed by men.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes I even think the church has been infiltrated by
these worldly ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That view is that
if you have a leadership calling your better than another. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus Christ himself was nothing to the world;
“..he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty
that we should desire him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is
despised and rejected of men…and we esteemed him not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mos 14: 2,3.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
most important man in the history of the world was despised and rejected of
men; esteemed for not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day at the
end of my Godly tutorial about this I had the aha moment of what a great place
to be and what great company to be in when you are nothing to the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is right where God wanted me to be,
where I could learn the most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Nothing
to the world”, is divine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The world’s message is you must do something important, special
and sensational to be seen of men, to be valuable and important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What I know is that our true source of value comes from God
and Jesus Christ only.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is our only
solid and true foundation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Man does not
see or comprehend all that the Lord does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you do a word study in the scriptures on heart, change of
heart, born again, etc. it’s a very spiritual experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What God is telling us is that he looks upon
the heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is what is
important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the only way we can know
the truth of all things is through the Holy Ghost, by asking God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God is truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t know if I am communicating this effectively but this
daily grounds me and changes my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
helps me tune out the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps me
not compete or compare myself to anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It helps me love others success and journey. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know God looks on my heart and mind and what
is there for good is what really matters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So the important questions are: Am I generous and kind? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I forgive and let go of hurt feelings?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I grateful and wanting good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I stay faithful and committed even when I am
struggling?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I meek and lowly in heart,
willing to see I am not right, complete, whole or developed?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I need a Savior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
need to change and repent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I filled
with charity?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">These are the things that are important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the things to work on and
refine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the work of our lives;
to become holy, people that can and want to live with God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I was thinking this morning as I was praying, or more like
recognizing as I was praying, that I have this tiny grudge in my heart against
someone who hurt my feelings last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s something that is not a big deal, I resolved it with the person
right away, but inside I could feel the judgment against the person was still
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I took it out and examined it
I thought about who I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I hold
grudges and place judgment on people if they offend me? Do I want to be that
kind of person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will I hold that against them and think they
are unkind or not trustworthy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will I
secretly hold that in my heart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does
God want me to feel?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would God want
me to be and do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were my
questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And my answer was, “Yeeess,
you should work on this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pay attention
to this, repent, your Savor can help you.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And that is what made me want to write this blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All these little things in our heart that are
so important to repent of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But also all
the good and righteous desires in our hearts are important to focus on too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our greatest value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most important thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we are focused on anything that takes us
away from working on what is in our heart and mind; what we are becoming, then
we are diluting life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are falling
into the snare of the adversary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
trade what is most valuable for a mess of pottage.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I know God loves us because of who he is, not because of
what we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not talking about God’s
perspective of value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He values us no
matter what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m talking about how we value and see our
self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we can see what is truly
valuable; which is who we are becoming, then we can let the business and
distractions of the world go, which are in truth hurting our heart and
mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s in there is what’s
valuable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It determines if we will want
to live with God again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not just if we can,
but if we want too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want to live
that high of a standard?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I think on earth that standard translates too: Do we want to
feel connected to God every day?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we
want to pray?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want to go to
church?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want to attend the
temple?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want to read scriptures?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not just as check off list to be done with
them, but because we are looking for spiritual light and knowledge to fill ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want to do service and show love?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want peace and good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we want to let go of anything that takes
us away from the spirit, including our hurt, angry and bitter feelings, not
just sins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we just want to feel love?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It brings so much peace to me when I let go of what the
world tells me is important and valuable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t have to be anything or do anything that the world thinks makes
me of worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only have to look to God
for my value and let him tell me what to do, be and feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is the best source of truth and
light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here are some scriptures you may want to ponder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are my favorite emotional and mental
health scriptures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To really understand
them read more than what is just here. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Ether
12:37- If they have not charity <u>it mattereth not unto thee</u>, thou hast
been faithful…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Alma
42:29-…let these things trouble you no more, <u>only let your sins trouble you</u>….<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Alma
8:15-…lift up your head and rejoice, <u>for thou hast kept the commandments of
God</u>…..<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Hardheartedness
and Heart scriptures in the index<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">•<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Jacob
1:17 and Jacob 2:11 where Jacob inquires of the Lord and receives his “errand”
from the Lord of what God wants.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Love you all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have a
great Sabbath!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-86144561429162357372020-11-22T15:55:00.003-08:002020-11-22T15:55:51.706-08:00Gratitude is THE WAY<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Gratitude is near and dear to my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have two previous blog post’s: “Grateful in
all things” and “Gratitude is Repentance” that both talk about how gratitude
saved me the last year of our mission and how it helped me survive coming home
to even harder circumstances. (Please read those if you want to know more of my
journey of learning about how gratitude saves.) <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Those years were the “greatest deep”, of my life and every
day I feel so grateful to be out of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m revisiting my journey of gratitude learning because of Pres Nielsen’s
message this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been so good for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I remember the despair I felt during those years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was acute; it would come at me,
threatening to drown me, I couldn’t breathe and I would instantly feel like
crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(This wasn’t good since
sometimes it would hit me right in the middle of a missionary training when a
missionary would make a comment about how much that Lord was blessing his or her
family.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my gosh, the despair and
heartache would be instant and I felt like I was destroyed, just by a
missionary’s comment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in the same
exact moment, I would feel in opposition a supportive power whispering to me to
think of things to be grateful for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think it was ministering angels trying to help me fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The power was saying, “Think of things to be
grateful for. Think of things to be grateful for.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over and over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the moment the only way I was going to
survive is to literally start saying any little thing in my mind I could think
of that was a blessing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(If you want to
read more about this it’s in the post: “Can God speak in the very moment you’re
asking?”)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This was a constant spiritual time for me as I felt two
forces waging a significant battle in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This wasn’t a once a day type of thing, this was multiple times a day as
despair would threaten to cut off my air supply, and then a spiritual power
pushing at me to think of things to be grateful for. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s was like a war. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned so much about gratitude that I wrote
about in those previous posts - that in summary helped me to understand that
gratitude is a tool to God, it’s a conduit to heaven, its repentance, and it’s
a way to fight against the anger, hate, worry, doubt and fear of the
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a way to fight against the “natural
man who is an enemy to God” and is NEVER grateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Gratitude is the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I should say, “THE WAY”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meaning
God’s way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gratitude takes willingness,
softness, and trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a spiritual exercise.
Sometimes it takes a lot of self-discipline and mental strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, what I am grateful for now in my life is Don’s health!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is doing well and I can feel good about
where he is at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our relationship is such
a blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is my best friend and I
am learning so much from him, still.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am so grateful Nathan is doing amazingly well in his two
year rehab program and will be coming home in 4 ½ months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am nervous for that, but grateful.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I love our new home and feel so grateful that we were able
to down size and sell our dream home that in the end was a burden to us.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am so grateful for the people my children are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are all great individuals and I am so
grateful to have each one of them.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As I think of these things I’m having this thought: Every
one of the things I just mentioned reflects change, growth and learning in my
life, meaning I wasn’t always grateful for the hard things that surrounded
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That teaches me that gratitude causes change,
growth and learning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As change occurs I
see and think differently and that is so good!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I need to see and think differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gratitude really is Repentance that causes change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am totally in love with life, it’s so good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not because it’s easy but because all that
hard has led to some really meaningful growth and change for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love and trust God with all my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so in love with Him and His plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know more hard is coming, I can feel
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am so grateful for this moment
of reprieve and Pres Nielsen’s encouragement that has lead me to look back and
feel amazed at what God can do in all our circumstances.<o:p></o:p></p>prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-22862476165216025522020-11-15T13:54:00.001-08:002020-11-15T14:18:28.297-08:00Is the "Great Deep" worth it?<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal">I love the imagery of the “great deep” in the Book of
Mormon, Ether Chapters as, “a fitting way to describe what our trails and challenges
sometimes feel like.” (CFM)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know all “deeps” are not created equal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From my experience there are deeps, great
deeps and the greatest deep.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am a few years out of my greatest deep and I noticed something
this week as I reflect on that time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
side effect of any of my recollections is gratitude and even joy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a bit astonishing to me too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep thinking about how grateful I am that Nathan
is 18 months into his rehab; what a miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So grateful that even though remodeling and selling our dream home of 20
years was emotionally and physically exhausting we landed in the absolute
perfect home for us and couldn’t deny the miracle we saw in that happening. I
love our house and still 2 ½ years later feel that giddy feeling when I think
of the miracle of landing here. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’s health
is stable and he is doing well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
things keep working out for us financially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have seen little and quite big miracles through all of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I’m in the Avatar movie looking
at God right in the eyes saying, “I see you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You know, in that really intense way in the movie? And he is saying
back, “I see you”.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It makes me feel that, “deeps”, give God the opportunity to put
on a show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Show his hand, his power, his
love, his character, his reality, his compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as we see the show, we know him
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That tells me the “great deeps”
are like entering the arena of God, where life puts us in a place to see God if
we will open our eyes. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Are the deeps worth it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is it worth the pain and despair to come to know God?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have to say I don’t ever think I have thought the “great
deeps” were worth it when I was in the middle of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But looking back I can’t think of one deep
that wasn’t so worth it…..once I landed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I feel and see a change in me for the better; change of: knowledge,
wisdom, character, personality, belief, etc. then it is worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Change is sacred, and change makes the “deep”
meaningful and worth it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I remember a returned sister missionary who went through debilitating
depression for a few years after her mission and during her first years of
marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She felt past feeling for everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She couldn’t feel the spirit or pretty much
anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My memory is that her
marriage and testimony were really suffering because of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called her to talk about it and she asked
me a question that I will never forget; she was crying in anguish when she
asked, “Why would God create or allow a trial like depression to exist where we
couldn’t feel the spirit?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It seems
like it’s not fair if you can’t feel the spirit.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I did not have an answer for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I have thought about it a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Why are we given the things we are given?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it fair to have something given to you
where you can’t feel the spirit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do
know that what she was saying is true, serious depression can create an inability
to feel the spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I had a similar
question about Nathan being born gay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How can that be fair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nathan’s
entire life, entire existence, entire test, would be so different because of
who he is, if he wasn’t born gay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
can this life for him be a fair test?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One of my changes from part of this “greatest deep” I just
landed from is personal to me, from God, about this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says to me, “Don’t worry.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I know it is God because I instantly feel
the peace that passeth all understanding when I hear it. “Don’t worry.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meaning all things will be made fair in the
end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All tears will be wiped away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christ’s atonement is as powerful as it needs
to be to heal all things, give all mercy and kindness to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this is true. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have all the answers but I know, I don’t
need to worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another sacred change for me from my greatest deep is,
love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love better, I empathize more, I
understand more accurately. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see
differently than I did. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that my
way and my thoughts are not Gods; even if I think I know God’s way and what he
is thinking, it’s not. “I cannot comprehend all the things which the Lord doth
comprehend”, even when I think I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am such a better person when I just love and don’t think I know what is right
for someone else.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And this greatest deep has helped me to know God
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that I really can trust
Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For years I couldn’t pray, “Thy
will be done in my life”, any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was in too much pain and just kind of scared of anything else happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But years after landing, and feeling back and
better, I see that even if it was God who gave me all of that stuff on purpose
and it wasn’t just life happening, that it was good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if all that pain was divinely designed I
know I can trust God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so hard,
but it was good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have landed and that “great
deep” is behind me and I am better because of it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You may be in a great deep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would say what I know, “Hang on to Him and he will get you through it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“He knows what you need more than you know
what you need.” And, “Look for the miracles along the way, he is showing
himself to you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“See Him”.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I love you.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">PS I mention in a previous post, "Doing Hard Can't Be Pretty", about this "greatest deep" if you wanted to read more about how ugly that was. :)</p>prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-27797761732278081272020-06-21T19:09:00.001-07:002020-06-21T19:09:10.716-07:00It was a beautiful day.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t
really want to go to church today.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It
was our first day back to church for our ward since the quarantine and I felt
like it was going to be a lot of work and maintenance for our leaders for an
hour meeting for just 100 people to attend, and then repeat twice more.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">AND, we just got back from Lake Powell last
night and I felt a bit wiped out.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">AND, I
loved having church at home, it was so nice and I really liked the spirit it
brought.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I went to
bed last night not feeling super committed or converted to the idea that I
needed to get up to get ready to go to 9am church. Also I would be going alone since Don is in
the high risk category, and even though he felt he wouldn’t be getting sick, he
wanted to be obedient to the request that high risk individuals stay home. So, I didn’t set my alarm. I made the excuse that God was fine with me
staying home and having church with Don and Andrea. And I knew He was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But, I woke
up at 8:15 and as I laid in bed thinking about it, I had a feeling that I
should go, it was going to be short and I wouldn’t have the opportunity to go
for another month, so I should just do it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> I dragged myself out of bed, Jet Ski soar and
a bit burned from a Lake vacation, did my hair out of pure necessity, didn’t
bother with any make up since I would be so far away from anyone and wearing a
mask anyway. In other words I didn’t put
a lot into it. I was just going to go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I walked in
a bit late and the opening song was being sung; “I have a family here on earth….” I immediately felt the spirit. The words hit me poignantly. The opening prayer was then said. The words were so tender and thoughtful in
blessing all of us for the individual trials we are going through, I really
started tearing up as I listened to him pray for all of us. We took the sacrament and I felt community in
my worship that made me feel I really did have a ward family and loved by God.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The speaker was authentic and open about all
our world has experienced since we last met together and the hope we can have
that all will be okay.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">She paid a beautiful
tribute to Fathers that I will include at the end of this post.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It was profound. And then she shared how she
feels so committed to obedience but the fact is she really doesn’t know the
church is true.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">She hasn’t seen with her
eyes God or angels.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It’s not pure knowledge
if you haven’t seen something, is it?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But then she talked about her hope, her
assurance and conviction that God is real and the church is true, because she
knows the way she feels when she goes to church, she knows the way she feels
when she reads her scriptures and lives in accordance with God’s law.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And those feelings she feels does give her
spiritual knowledge that these things are right and true.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">She shared
the quote: by </span><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">― </span><span class="authorortitle"><b><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Marjorie Pay Hinckley</span></b></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I don't want to drive up to
the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes,
my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.</span><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<span style="background: white;">I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the
wheels from taking kids to scout camp.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;">I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt
from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;">I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails
from helping to weed someone's garden.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;">I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks
and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;">I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really
lived.”</span><br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">And I felt
the spirit over and over give me inspiration, and thoughts and feelings that I
had been missing during quarantine. I
was filled. I felt happy, light,
satisfied and peaceful. I felt better
than I have in months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When the
speaker finished a man gave his testimony because he was moving. He shared how he received a job promotion a year
ago that was fantastic. He was receiving
three times his normal wage and it was so validating to him. He was feeling like he was pretty
awesome. Six weeks later he was laid off
and didn’t find another job for 9 months.
It sounded like he is now moving out of the ward into a rental for at
least the next year. But he is
okay. He has a job now, his wife has a
job now and he has learned that God knows even the lilies of the field and he definitely
knows God knows him. He cried as he
shared his absolute conviction that God has a plan and that he personally will “Go
where he wants me to go.” I was so
touched. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Then our
Bishop stood up and I was so tender that I teared up again at his beautiful,
kind words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I came home
and couldn’t believe that an hour could be so filling, so rewarding and bring
to me so much that I was missing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">During this quarantine
I knew I was feeling weird, different, low energy, low motivation, and stagnate
in my relationship with God even though I was still praying, reading scriptures
and having church at home. I’ve been
wondering if it is just a side effect of staying home so much. I had no idea that going to church was going
to help me in such profound ways. I didn’t
even think I was missing anything church had to offer because I was still
feeling the spirit at home during home church.
I think I have taken community worship for granted and was just so use
to the benefits of it; it’s just so normal.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I knew God was
okay if I didn’t go to church, at this time.
But he still wanted me too, because I don’t go to church for him, he
knows it’s going to bless me. When I was
willing to be obedient and do it, the blessings of more knowledge were there
for me. When I put myself in that place of doing some spiritual work then I received
spiritual blessings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I keep
learning this over and over. The
spiritual work I do is not for God, to cross off a list so he can bless
me. Doing the work is the blessing. I feel so grateful for the Sabbath and so
grateful for a wonderful Heavenly Father and for spiritual blessings. I feel like everything is going to be
okay. It was a beautiful day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Extended Version if you want to read more
about this thought:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I first
learned about God not creating task as a check off list for me to do Jan 5,
2013 on our mission. Here is my journal
excerpt that talks about this realization.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Jan 6, 2013.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“It is transfer week and yesterday, Saturday
was so busy. I worked out and then got
ready quickly. Because of all the
business of the week I hadn’t done any cooking for transfers. I went shopping for 2 ½ hours. (It takes so
long!!! I’m starting to realize the
three days it takes to do transfers every six weeks is like holding a youth
conference every 6 weeks. So shopping for
all those meals takes a while!) Then I
hurried home after picking Don up from the office and cooked for 4 ½ hours with
Helen. After that I worked on the
mission newsletter, made dinner, started some laundry, got ready and prepared
my talk, went to Stake Conference to speak, came home and finished the newsletter
and sent it off to Sister Dean, and then counseled a sister missionary on the
phone who is having some problems for about 40 minutes until 11pm. At 11 I was folding a load of whites on my
bed when it occurred to me that I hadn’t read my scriptures yet, (so often it
goes like that.) <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My thought was, “I’ve been serving
God all day long, surely I’ve done enough and I don’t now need to read my
scriptures too.” <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Instantly I heard these words in my
mind, “Now it is my time for me to bless you Melonie for all you have
done. Reading scriptures is not one more
thing you do for me, it is what you do so I can bless you for all you have
done. I can bless you, give to you, fill
you up, strengthen you and speak to you.
If you don’t read, it is okay, it is your choice, I don’t condemn
you. I just can’t bless you.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I got out my scriptures and started
to read. I immediately felt I was
reading the perfect thing. It was so
strengthening to me. It spoke to my
heart as a balm. I was SO FILLED
spiritually. I wasn’t tired
anymore. I wasn’t depleted. I wasn’t worn out. I felt strong, light and capable. It was a miracle. It was just like God had said. As I read I was putting myself in a place
that God could bless me.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I know spiritual blessings aren’t
free. We have to do some spiritual work
to receive them. I think it is a law of
heaven or something. God can’t work with
nothing. We have to give God something to
work with, we have to put ourselves in that place.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I am a bit task oriented. So many
times I’ve thought of things like scriptures, temple attendance, prayer, etc.
as things to be crossed off the list; one more thing to do. But the Lord has been teaching me that that
is not it; I don’t do these things to be obedient so He will bless me. Doing these things are the blessing. The blessing of hearing something that
inspires me, understanding some knowledge I need that I didn’t get before,
feeling stronger or more at peace, etc.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“It reminds me of a testimony {a
woman} gave in my home ward years ago. She
was talking about how many times she has received promptings to go visit
someone, write a nice note, or do some other kind act and then she <u>hasn’t</u>
done it. She said, “I’ve come to
understand God isn’t there beating me down or even mad at me. I just don’t receive the blessing of that
warm memory, increase in relationship and love, or the strengthening power of
doing God’s will.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Why is
understanding this important? To me it’s
because I understand Gods love when I get that He wants me to do things that
will bless my life, not because he is in heaven making up a list of a lot of
things for me to do and feel guilty about if I can’t get it all done. I don’t need to feel guilty if I can’t do
everything. I just don’t get that
blessing. It’s my choice. I don’t need to feel guilty. But if I will do it, I will walk away from it
blessed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><u>Here is the
shout out for Fathers in the America.</u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Fatherless
homes account for:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">63% of youth
who commit suicide<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">90% of all
homeless and runaway youths<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">85% of all
children that exhibit behavioral disorders<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">71% of all
high school dropouts<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">70%of
juveniles in state-operated institutions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">75%of
adolescent patients in substance abuse centers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Fathers are needed and important to the family. Way to Go Dads!</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-17515520345332858732019-12-01T15:23:00.002-08:002019-12-01T15:23:56.550-08:00Can God speak, right in the very moment you’re asking?<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel I have been on a journey of starts, then stops, steep
ascents, dull and tiresome trails, dark and unseen way’s, summits and vista’s as
a metaphor of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really feel I
am the poster child for change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look
back and feel an amazing wonder at the metamorphose human beings can go through
based on my own experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My last post
about gratitude contains, in a very unskilled expression, one journey I have
been on for years of, “Learning Gratitude amid Trials.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t include many of the nitty, gritty,
specifics of that painful journey, but I woke up this morning and felt I should
share one of the specific experiences that really was a turning point for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This “vista” that really helped me
on my journey came about two years ago while I was walking with my soul sister friend,
Shiree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One morning we were walking in the canyon and Shiree was
telling me about the miracle she had experienced with her foot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had been having tremendous pain that was
really impairing her ability to function and walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had been to the doctor and worked with a
physical therapist for months and had been doing all they said, but her foot
was still limiting her to a painful degree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her adult son, Stanford, had called and wanted her to go on a camping
trip with him for 5 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now how many
son’s out there want to go camping with their mom’s?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was amazing he would ask, and even though she doesn’t like camping
she really wanted to create a memory with him they would both never
forget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem was she couldn’t
walk.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She also had a family cruise scheduled she and Stanford
would be driving to after the camping trip, where she would also be expected to
be on her foot for another 5 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
of this made her very nervous, she really didn’t know if she could do it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She exercised faith, told him she could go, and asked her
husband, Kim for a blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He blessed
her that she would be fine and that she should go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two days before the time to depart for
camping, her foot started to feel Okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She was fine the entire 10 days of hiking and walking during her camping
and cruise activities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a
miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had been in so much pain
for so long and then she was healed during the time she had prayed for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Afterward her foot gradually started hurting
again and the pain returned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a
miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God had intervened on her
behalf and literally took the pain away for exactly the time she needed and she
was able to make some great memories with her son and family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As she was talking the thought came into my mind, “The Lord
wouldn’t bless me like that.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The Lord
wouldn’t do that for me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This thought
coming into my heart at this time was sickening to me and devastating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here is a little background as to why:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s the thought I struggled with so much the 3<sup>rd</sup>
year of our mission and pretty much the whole first year we were home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thought was like a sickness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time the thought popped into my head I
felt what amounted to drinking poison to my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It literally felt like every time I thought, “The
Lord won’t bless us, The Lord isn’t blessing us,” I was killing myself spiritually.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During those two years I was always trying to pop it out of
my head, talk myself out of it, ignore it, push it away and yet it was still
always there, for years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could such
a simple, little thought kill me spiritually?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can’t trust, love, and believe in a God that you think doesn’t
really care about you, won’t work for you, doesn’t know the pain you’re in or
isn’t paying enough attention to do anything about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is what that little thought connoted to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was why I was constantly praying to see
blessings I wrote about in my last post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I felt I was spiritually hanging on by sheer will power as my whole life
and expectations were being ripped from me, and I couldn’t see a blessing in
sight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to the present day walk with Shiree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been home for two years and at this
point I had done a lot of spiritual work to get rid of these feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like I was on a balance beam of what I
would allow my brain to go too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew
what thoughts killed me and what thoughts helped me function in a good
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when Shiree was telling me
about her miracle and those old thoughts popped into my head it was
particularly devastating to me that I would have some of that feeling still
left inside of me when I had done so much work internally to get rid of it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
belief that God wasn’t helping, blessing, or concerned about me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This thought led to me having a horrible few days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like I was right back in that dark
place I had worked so hard to get out of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was amazed at how fast I could fall back to all of that bleak and
dismal emptiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned that blessings come in many shapes and
sizes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some blessings are so obvious and
things just fall into place amazingly and you hear people talk about how the
Lord blessed them and everyone can see. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just love that kind of blessing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are so easy and it’s so great to say, “The
Lord really blessed me.” Or “It was so perfect!” Or “It all just fell into
place.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>UGG!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other blessings are not so visual, they are not so easy to
see or understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes they can
only be devined through perspective of what would be worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to look to, “have eyes to see”, to
find these blessings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The spiritual work I had been doing was to see my blessings,
they weren’t obvious, it wasn’t easy, I had to change to see these kind of
blessings, maybe because of who I was and what my expectations were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the spiritual work I had to do was to see
that we were blessed as I let go of my life expectations and became accustom to
our new normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so I became ok, as I
balanced on the balance beam of life and controlled where I let my mind
go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to my story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
I was having a few terrible days as I kind of lost my footing, and I was right
back to longing for obvious blessings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was tired of having to look and change my perspective to see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt devastated at the darkness of life and
the pain of loss of everything I had wanted for my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that one thought, “The Lord won’t bless me like that”, kind
of brought my life crashing down, as it brought up this residual pain and fear
that I had been hoping was gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was disappointed
in myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That Friday, I went to the temple with a prayer in my heart,
wanting to receive some kind of answer, help or inspiration about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hesitated in asking the Lord for more,
because I felt He had already given me so much; so many amazing spiritual experiences
in the temple, whisperings of the spirit, trying to help me see things differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could there be more He could do for me, or
had my quota of help been given and there was nothing more he could do?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, I went praying anyway, asking and hoping for something,
not even sure what.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was doing initiatory’s that night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was listening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I had this amazing knowledge fill my mind
of what God’s view of blessings are. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was like light entered my mind and I understood God for a moment. The light and
knowledge was this:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God’s view of the best blessings He could ever possibly give
are spiritual in nature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Temporal
blessings and trials alike are to bring us to a spiritual knowledge of some
kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easy and hard are both God’s way
of teaching and changing us spiritually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He loves us and He knows what is really important.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Integrity, Virtue, Peace, Love, Forgiveness, Compassion, Understanding,
Hope, Strength, Kindness, Patience, Humility, Knowledge, Gratitude, Charity, etc.
are the spiritual blessings that are more divine and crucial as blessings than good
grades, college education, financial security, marriage, children, physical
health, attention, security, safety, power, convenience, popularity, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever worldly blessing you want there is a
spiritual blessing God can give you that would be better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this moment I realized how true, “Man cannot comprehend all
that the Lord can comprehend”, is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
a fallen individual. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t see how God
see’s. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I also felt profoundly in this moment how
much God loves us, we are known by Him, He is doing everything He can to bring
us to the BEST spiritual blessings that can be given.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blessings started running through my mind I take for granted
like: knowing good from evil, sensing what direction God wants me to take,
feelings of the spirit, being healed and cleaned, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was reviewing this in my mind I said a prayer that
somehow I could really put these thoughts in my heart so I wouldn’t just know
this in my mind for a minute, but really change and have this knowledge stay
with me in my heart, so that I could really know God was aware of me, loving me
and truly blessing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what could
God do that could help me with this?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What happened next was a miracle, just like the miracle
Shiree had experienced with her foot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m continuing on with the temple work I’m doing while I’m
praying that something could really help me know this; not just as knowledge in
my mind but in my heart and become a part of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was time for a shift change and a new
woman came in to where I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the
first time I had seen her, she said her part and then literally stopped and
looked at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said in a very
inquisitive way, “Can you hear that?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was kind of surprised, workers don’t usually talk personally to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she said, like she was answering a
question I had asked, “These are your blessings”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had spoken personally as if she had heard
what I was asking for in my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then
she repeated what she said again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Can
you hear it, these are your blessings?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was the oddest thing to say, but it absolutely answered my prayer as
if I was talking out loud. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I hadn’t
said anything out loud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so taken
aback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words she was speaking were
exactly answering my prayer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt God
had directly answered my prayer, like He was talking to me! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew He had. He had reached out and touched
me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This spiritual experience was the turning point for me where
I didn’t have to control my thoughts, hide or push or ignore what was going on inside
of me so I could spiritually survive my life </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
experiences. Instead, understanding was given that brought
true change into my heart and mind and I didn’t need to push, hide or ignore
anymore. I knew God was blessing
me. God was not absent, not aware or not
caring. He was blessing me with what was
important to His infinite knowledge of the best blessings. I knew God was in my struggle. He was there.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know when life hits we can trust the Lord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He always wants what is best for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He always knows how we need to change. Our
life experiences may not be caused by Him, but whatever it is that we go
through He will work with it to bring us to the thing we need that will be the
BEST blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He can make our lives be
perfect for the light and knowledge we need to learn or gain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br /><br />
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-48631172532978809192019-11-24T13:49:00.001-08:002019-11-24T13:53:28.230-08:00 A Heartfelt Letter: Gratitude is Spiritual Work that links us to Heaven<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">To my missionaries, mission prep students and my hurting friend,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I always want to bring you closer to Christ. The constant question
is how?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a pretty authentic person
and don’t mind sharing what has happened in my life and what it has taught
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope you don’t mind me re-sharing and
re-posting some personal things that has brought learning and growth into my
life in hopes that it will bring you closer to Christ. So much of my heart is
contained in this letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is Thanksgiving week so I hope you can
invite gratitude everyday into your heart and mind, and see what happens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I feel gratitude is a form of repentance and brings patience into
our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to admit that the last
5 years has forced me to learn this because of all the hard things that Brother
Mullen and I have gone through. The things that happened to us surrounding our
mission and after coming home have been my continual teacher. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">It all started on our mission when so many hard things were
happening with our family that I couldn’t see blessings. I felt our family
and finances were falling apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every
one of our children were struggling and our twin sons, Nathan and Jordan, had
very difficult trials and turned away from God and the Church, all while we
served full time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought our family
would be blessed, we had been promised God would take care of our children if
we would take care of the missionaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>By the third year of our mission I was devastated and in so much
pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I literally felt God had forgotten
us and I couldn’t see one blessing in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I settled into a fog of confusion as we realized our beautiful, bright
son was addicted to meth and both of our twin boys were turning against us a
parents and their relationship toward us became brutal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">At this time all I could do is pray all day long, “Please let me
see the blessings”, constantly. It was a continual thought over and over,
because I was in so much pain and I was so confused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We served all day long, every day- other
people’s children who were growing in the gospel, having amazing spiritual
experiences, yet our boys were hitting rock bottom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember one weekend when we had really
been trying to get Nathan to go to a rehab facility and he came up
missing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For 3 days we had no idea where
he was and he wasn’t answering his phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was Zone Conference week for us and we were speaking, training, feeding
and talking to missionaries that whole week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was surreal as I helped clean up after lunch on a Friday, hadn’t
heard from Nathan in days, and thought my son could be dead in a ditch
somewhere and here I am cleaning up lunch, getting ready to speak to
missionaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(He had been set up; given
some bad drugs so someone could steal his computer and phone. Thankfully some
good Samaritan took him to the emergency room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A taxi brought him home Sunday morning from the hospital.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Again, I tried to focus on the blessings, it was an exercise of my
mind to express gratitude and not think of the hard thing that was causing pain
or stress. As I expressed gratitude for blessings I always felt like it
was a conduit to heaven. The minute I started to place myself in a state
of thanks I would immediately feel instant heaven. It taught me a
lot. I was amazed at what gratitude could do to help me feel instantly
changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was God’s beginning
tutorial for me on how gratitude can change everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Coming home from our mission seemed to continue the pattern.
My mother passed away, Don got Parkinson’s, we moved twice, took over the care
of my ailing father, lost our “job”, and had to face how to recover financially
when we had no job prospects, started serving in a demanding calling at the
MTC, and I fell into a deep depression from the trauma of it all-all within
weeks of us coming home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">At this time I just survived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I felt like I was drowning and barely keeping my nose above water to
breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as I kept praying to see
blessings, and focused on the words God was speaking to my mind about holding
on and staying with Him, I started to see the blessings in the midst of the
trials:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">My mother died, but I had prayed that she
would stay alive until I got home and I could have a chance to care for her for
a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was exactly what happened,
God preserved her life until I got home and I was able to care for her for 3
weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was sacred and I came to see
He had answered my prayer, exactly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had
to have a change of heart to see the truth of that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Don developed Parkinson’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was devastating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I came to see he is still doing well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I came to understand that God blessed us
with great health our entire mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
didn’t strike Don with Parkinson’s, He withheld the Parkinson’s until we
finished our work in the mission field.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wanted Don to get a job or a real estate project right away when we got
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in a panic and I wanted to
solve the problem quick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A quick job did
not happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A project didn’t happen for
two years, but we saw unexplained miracles with our finances. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Nathan was addicted to drugs, but we got
him into rehab and our relationship with him became wonderful again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(He relapsed for two years, but he is in rehab
again now which is another blessing.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">We had to remodel and sale our dream home,
but we miraculously had the energy to do the work and found the money to do
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then found an amazing home that
miraculously appeared on the market just two weeks before we had to move. ETC!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">This may sound easy to you as you read these words on this
paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But n</span>one of these, “But’s” were
easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They reflect spiritual work to see
something in a spiritual way, way different than what my natural, instinctive person's </span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">experience
was.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I now understand that God has given us agency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has to respect that agency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This plan of life includes death, failing
health, mistakes, and natural consequences from living in a fallen world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The plan must continue on and we must go
through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is going to be
painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is an exercise of faith to
stay with Him, keep trusting Him and loving Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I came to know God better at this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He couldn’t give me everything I wanted, but
if I was willing to be soft and open I could see that he was still very aware
of me and blessing my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in a
world of hurt, so much I couldn’t even hold on to the hope He was trying to
give me, but gradually healing happened and I could start trying to see, feel
and understand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I felt I could relate to Moroni’s account of Alma’s experience,
when they were put under bondage in the wilderness. Here Alma is going
against King Noah and all the other wicked priests and following after Abinadi.
He is trying to do what is right, he is sacrificing his safety and comfort to
bring others closer to Christ. You would think God would make it easy and
they would be blessed. But instead they are found and put in
bondage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Moroni says in Mos 23: 21-23 about Alma’s situation; the Lord
seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and
faith…..yet-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at
the last day….for they were brought into bondage and none could deliver them
but the Lord….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">It tells me that trials are a very specific tool used to help us
see and know God. Think about it. If everything was easy in our
lives, we would never feel the need for a Savior, the gospel, or the need to
turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer. Trials put us in a state of
vulnerability which makes us a little more tender and open; seeking and
searching for understanding, comfort and strength. It drives us to our
knees with more intention and purpose; seeking our Heavenly Fathers assistance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Times like these give our God a chance to show himself. We
come to know God in our extremities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">In the next chapter Alma himself talks about what God promised
them, “…….I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that
even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and
this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me here after, and that ye
may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their
afflictions.” He is saying, “You will have trials, and if you will stay
with me through it, you’ll come out knowing me better and being able to witness
of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Because of my own experience I KNOW THIS IS TRUE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t say enough, years later and looking
back, that God will be with you, even in the middle of devastating pain, when
you feel you can’t hold on to any hope, when you are just a sieve, (when
anything that may help just runs through you)-that God was there the whole
time, patient, kind, merciful, trying to heal the entire way through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you stay with Him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">It’s the same way with Ammon. In Alma 26:35, Ammon is
expressing his profound gratitude to God for all those trials and sacrifice
they went through on their 15 year mission, “we have suffered all manner of
afflictions that we might be the means of saving some souls….” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Ammon says perfectly what happened to them because they stuck with
God, had faith in Him through it all, and were able to see the blessings even
though they suffered and everything didn’t make perfect sense; Alma 26:35, now
have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that
had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is
carried away, even unto boasting in my god; for he has all power, all wisdom,
and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being,
even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">What I see in that verse is amazing. They had these trials,
they suffered, God saw fit to try their patience, and some of their people even
died. And because of it they came to know their God profoundly;
intimately. So much so that they described him as – “all power, all
wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a
merciful Being even unto salvation……” but,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">It takes humility and repentance to come to that kind of
knowledge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">The very same sentence he adds, “….to those who will repent and
believe on his name.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I think it is hard to be humble. That may just be me, but my
experience has been I have to work at being soft and open when I’m in the
middle of pain from a trial I don’t understand. But it is the answer that
will solve problems, it brings the ability to hear the answers God is
communicating and the willingness to believe and follow those answers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">This is the important part. Repentance comes from the Greek
words: meta=change of form, and noval=mind, knowledge, spirit, breath, (meaning
life). Basically, change our mind. <b>When we change our form
to be in a state of gratitude we are actually repenting. </b> The
natural man is never grateful! The natural man is an enemy to God.
He can’t feel the spirit in his state of seeking the will of his flesh, his way
and his expectations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Gratitude as a state of repentance means change from the natural
way. It is not easy amidst pain, doubt, confusion, and hurt to repent! To
be grateful! <b>Yet what God promises is that if we will be humble
and repent he will show His power to us and we will</b> <b>come to know
him. </b>This knowledge isn’t free. There is a price to know
God.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">What I know is that this is true. I have been hearing God
say for years, “Hold on I’ll get you there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">What I know now better, is that He is all power, all wisdom, all
understanding and merciful. He knows a lot more than I do.
And I also know he is very, very patient. I’m sad he has had to exercise
so much patience with me and it has taken me such a long time to stop asking
why, and just decide it doesn’t matter. Gratitude is the step that has
gotten me through the pain to the other side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I choose faith and trust. With all my heart I choose God.
When I feel a question forming, I just lay it aside and think, it doesn’t
matter, I choose God, I want to live by faith and I don’t care about anything
else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">One more scripture that I feel is perfect when talking about
gratitude is, Alma 26, 29…..if you should render all the thanks and
praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created
you, and has kept and preserved you and has caused that ye should rejoice, and
has granted that ye should live in peace one with another--- I say unto you
that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is
preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and
move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment
to another-I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would
be unprofitable servants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I know this was long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you made it through, thank you for reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As you face the struggle of life, school, family, friends, health, etc.,
what I want you to know is no matter how much confusion, darkness or trial
there is in life, if you will be humble and create a grateful heart inside, you
will be closer to heaven, see more clearly, recognize the miracles and realize
you an are unprofitable servant as you become more intimately acquainted with
God and realize how much He has done for you. Depending on what you go
through it may take time to get there, but it's the best feeling in the world
to stay with God and let Him do His work in your life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">I love you and I know God loves you too, Happy Thanksgiving,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;">Sister Mullen<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-76020520896607782042019-07-08T15:16:00.000-07:002019-07-08T15:16:04.646-07:00Doing HARD, can't be pretty.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
We went to Canada last weekend to see Nathan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has been in rehab there for over 3 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An absolute miracle happened in his life; our life, last
January when he came to us and said he wanted to go into rehab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said if he was being honest he would have
to say he was miserable and felt the last 4 years of his life has been a waste
and he didn’t want to waste any more life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you know Nathan you would immediately know this was a
miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t have a near death
experience, he wasn’t homeless, and as a matter of fact he could hold down a
job, do drugs and still pay rent every month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s pretty good for a drug addict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, he just wanted to change; internally admit he was wrong and stop
justifying his lifestyle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(When I say miracle I’m singing that in a
high pitched voice.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took about 3 months for him to put his life in order,
(with our help), and leave for the John Volken Academy in Vancouver Canada at
the end of March.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We hadn’t talked to Nathan about rehab for two years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would be so angry, instantly, whenever we
mentioned it, that we just stopped talking about it and knew we had to wait for
life lessons to help him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prayed, I
hoped, but I think I secretly thought Nathan was probably to prideful to ever
come to a place of ever admitting to himself that he needed to change, or even
have the strength to think about change.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(I feel there was a lot of things that happened last year to
help him feel strong enough to do this, but to talk about those things would
make this post too long, so I’ll just say it’s important for a drug addict to
feel successful, to feel capable, and to see his victory’s every day so that he
can start to see himself in a better place.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The John Volken Academy is a two year program and we heard
about it two years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I heard
about JVA I was immediately interested because it was two years long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The year before I had talked to a mother of a
drug addict who had a son who had been in and out of jail, staying off of drugs
for months at a time but when he would get out, he would go right back to
drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had told me it wasn’t until
he stayed off drugs for two years in jail that he was able to completely heal
and change his life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was now married
with a wife, children and good job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She said that two years off of drugs was what it took for
her son to change his life and not go back, so when I heard that JVA was a two
year program I was extremely interested and talked to Nathan about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually it wasn’t a talk, it was more like
me mentioning two years, when he was ready, would be the one he would want to
do, before he was mad and shut down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Side Note: this is a work program that only costs the
family $5,000.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are 3 facilities:
one in Arizona that is a ranch, one in Seattle that is a furniture store and one
in Canada that is grocery warehouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
clients work to pay for their own rehab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is student run and so they work into more responsibility and can gain
privileges the longer they are in the program.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast forward to January, Nathan’s miracle began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since we had already mentioned that two years
is about what it takes for your mind to heal from the effects of drugs, he
already was thinking of John Volken Academy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t believe that Nathan is in rehab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t believe that he has already been
there for 3 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The miracle of this
amazes me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much prayer, work and
sacrifice has gone into bringing him to this point on our part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I don’t know all the details of what got
him to this point on his part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just says
he had to admit he was miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either
way, I feel so blessed by God to come to a place where there is hope for Nathan’s
future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought we were praying,
working and sacrificing for something that would never really happen, or maybe
happen when he was 40 or something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
like a child on Christmas morning getting the best thing possible, that you
never really thought you would receive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that is not really what this post is about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was just a little background so I could
talk about something he said last weekend that really touched me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was profound.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
JVA was holding a fundraiser event so we were allowed to go
and participate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had heard that we couldn’t
go visit for 7 months so we weren’t expecting to see Nathan any time soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we found out that when they have event’s
we could go visit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since we only
realized this at the last minute we had to throw the trip together in two days.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The event was a pasta dinner on a Sat night and the Scotiabank Vancouver
Half Marathon and 5k run on Sunday morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were thrilled to see Nathan at the dinner and marvel over his shaved
face and short hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had no piercings
in and had a big smile on his face, amazing amounts of energy and an over
flowing amount of positivity and commitment to the process he is going
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We took Jordan with us and it
was cry worthy to see them play together like they use too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They sang and danced and finished each other’s
sentences and goofed off like they had choreographed what they would say and do
to make us all laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We opted to walk the 5k.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was a band in the park and we all danced and didn’t stress at all that
we started the 5k late and as a matter of fact, last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We took our time and just enjoyed the amazing
park and lake as we walked and talked together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were taking about doing hard things in our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him how I often feel bad and guilty
about how I haven’t done the last 4 years of hard very well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hasn’t looked very pretty as I have
struggled to handle all that has been thrown at me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He said, “Mom you can’t look pretty if you’re doing hard,
that just doesn’t go together.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It really hit me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
felt a real release of guilt and pressure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Over the last 4 years, I felt so alone as I took care of my mom and dad
the last weeks and years of their life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have felt abandoned by God when: Don got Parkinson’s, Nathan got
addicted to drugs and both Nathan and Jordan left the church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt so worried over trying to pick up the
pieces of our finances. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mustered every
ounce of energy I owned when I went to serve at the MTC on Sunday’s, Tuesday
and Thursday nights because I had depression without even realizing what was wrong. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was overwhelmed at
having to remodel our big home so we could try to get the money out of it we
needed, and then watch it stay on the market for 8 months before it sold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt completely in survival mode as we
finally bought a new home, and brought all of our stuff to a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>home half the size and started unpacking over
300 boxes that had been in storage for 6 years as well as getting rid of
furniture, pictures, etc that we had no use for anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And by
the time we finally got around to remodeling the basement of our new home into
a 3 bedroom, 2 bath apartment so we could rent, I felt my life was never going
to be anything but dirty, hard work, and stressful. The mission was hard but coming home was
beyond words, HARD.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t looked pretty as I have done the last 4 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gained a ton of weight, I lived on ice
cream multiple times a day to help me keep going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At one point when I was dissolving my mom and
dad’s estate after my mother’s death, (I was trying to get their condo empty so
I could rent it), I lived in my clothes for 5 days, even sleeping in them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yup that means no shower for 5 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(What was the point of showering when I was
working 18 hours a day, falling into bed just to get up and keep working?) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In general over the last 4 years, I haven’t
cared what I looked like and I understood why sweats are the best pair of pants
ever evented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My standard wasn’t hair
and make-up done, my standard became, “if you’re clean, you’re good.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve hardly written in my journal or taken
notes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My scripture reading has been
spotty and my faith tested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped
exercising consistently and I started watching movies consistently.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not in that place anymore, but I still feel regret and
guilt over how I handled all of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wish I could have done it better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But when Nathan said, “Mom you can’t look pretty if you’re
doing hard, that just doesn’t go together.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It spoke volumes for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something’s
are difficult but you can do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something’s
aren’t convenient but you get through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But when you face HARD!, how can you possible look pretty or even care
about pretty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s HARD!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In that moment I learned: I don’t need to feel guilty when
hard, feels hard, and I struggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
need to be disappointed in myself when I’m doing hard and it’s ugly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need to feel like God is disappointed
in me because I was dirty, stinky, weak, ugly, etc., when I was using every
ounce of energy I had just to survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t have all the answers yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I feel like life is normal, I’m settled,
I am happy, and it’s time for me to find the answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was I supposed to learn from all of
that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was I supposed to gain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was I supposed to become?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now I just feel like I survived with
moments of clarity here and there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what
I want is to become something better and retain it, so that I feel it was all
worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what I do know is that right now I don’t need to feel
bad anymore because I didn’t do HARD like I was sitting pretty and floating
through it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m okay that I did as
well as I did, and I’m still standing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nathan is doing something HARD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not expecting pretty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a matter of fact one thing I know I’ve learned is, we don’t
really know what hard things are going on with anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know no matter how much I write or speak
about these last 4 years and what it felt like to me, I don’t feel understood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think only God can understand how this has
been for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, my take away is this: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A child might be late or irresponsible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I colleague may not do what they said they
would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A spouse might sleep in and not
get done what you felt they should have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Your religious leader may not have spoken to you. Your neighbor may not
take care of their yard. Your friend may have forgotten you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The stranger sitting next to you may be overweight
and eating ice cream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t judge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t know their life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever it is, if we see something we don’t
like, not pretty or if it’s even ugly, I think it’s safe to say that, “they are
doing HARD in their life.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what we
can do with that understanding is send out love to them and not pass judgment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Doing HARD can’t be pretty. It just doesn’t go together. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So when you notice, “not pretty”, think, “hard for them”.
And then send love darts of, “Oh, you must be going through something hard, I
hope you’re okay.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All day long.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And when you notice you’re not doing it all beautifully,
know hard is so valuable and forgive yourself that you can’t do HARD, Pretty.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-21365608425681186772019-04-21T14:38:00.001-07:002019-04-21T14:38:30.041-07:00Growing Faith is an Experiment Everyday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kind of have to laugh at myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am such a natural woman at times. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For instance yesterday morning as I was praying I was like, “Lord,,,,
I’m kind of ready for another big spiritual experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When is it going to happen?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I’m
really being honest I’ve kind of had this in my mind for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When is the next big spiritual experience
coming?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there any more?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I done?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is there anything left for me?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yup, sometimes I just want one more really big, powerful spiritual
experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Elder Bednar says these
kind of experiences are more rare than not.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But that is what I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just want
God to tell me one more time that all of this is true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joseph Smith saw God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Book of Mormon was written in ancient
days by prophets in the Americas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That we
don’t come from Apes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(That one stems
from an article I read in the news this week.) And that He really does love me
and know me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m kind of laughing at myself, but I’m serious too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m such a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do have strong faith, and yet I still feel I have to
constantly work at my faith as the world bombards me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know, I’m supposed to remember all those other times God
has spoken in powerful ways to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m supposed
to cast my mind back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God doesn’t have
to keep telling me the same things over and over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s like a child having to be told over
and over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents get tired of
that, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But like I said I am such a
natural man/woman.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this really great inspiration came to me as I was
praying, that I think is really great inspiration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I’m going to share?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Every day you can
have a powerful spiritual experience as you pay attention to the experiment you
live every day.”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here me out, this is what that means:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day we
are experimenting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s Alma 32, every
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We plant seeds of good and evil,
right and wrong, every day, and you can learn about God, the adversary, the
Light of Christ, the Voice of the Spirit, Repentance, the Power of Christ’s Atonement,
etc., every day as you pay attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am having a big spiritual experience every single day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What do you feel
when you pray?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you feel when you
obey?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you feel when you read
scriptures?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you feel when you
listen while on your knees?” What do you feel when you take the sacrament, go
to church, attend the temple?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of it is exactly what the Book of Mormon
says you will feel in Alma 32.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To summarize the experiment:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Humility is the key to the whole thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being humble is mentioned about 7 times is
those beginning versus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life can humble
us, or we can choose to be humble, either way it doesn’t matter, nothing can
happen until we are open, soft, moldable, easily entreated, willing to see
another way, besides our own.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next we have to have a desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we aren’t ready than the experiment will
fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to want this my friends.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then we plant the seed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We put the word in our heart, we think about it, we pray about it, we receive
thoughts and ideas about it, and we are willing to listen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We nurture it so it can grow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then the key.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>The key to the whole thing.</u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to pay attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to notice how we feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the seed is good it will enlarge us,
enlighten us, it will begin to swell inside of us and it will be so good that
it will be delicious to us, we love it that much.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alma 32 doesn’t talk about this but I think, of course, the
opposite is true also.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we plant
incorrect seeds of untruth in our heart, we nurture those seeds then they will
grow also.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will feel depleted, confused,
defeated, angry, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think we can see
the truth of this in how many people are so angry and easily offended in our
world. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The world pulls at us to plant
incorrect seeds that pull us away from all that is kind, grateful, peaceful and
Godly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we are humble we can see and learn from the un-good
seeds also.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who wants to feel yucky?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what we plant in our hearts bears fruit,
and either way, we can learn what is good and what is not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s Huge.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whenever we feel feelings that are NOT the fruit of God’s
loving spirit, we can learn.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whenever we feel feelings that ARE of God’s loving spirit we
can learn.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is a big spiritual experience of God pouring out His
knowledge to us and it happens all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am receiving God’s knowledge He intended for me to learn, every day as
I just pay attention to what good does, what God’s truth does. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pay Attention:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You feel peace!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Noticing it, is the way you grow your faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You feel love!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Noticing it, is the way you grow your faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You feel stronger! Understanding that is the way you grow
your faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You feel happy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You receive
knowledge everyday about things you should do that leads to more peace, love,
strength and happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the big,
powerful spiritual experience.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had never thought of this before. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has totally changed my perspective. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These little feelings of being enlarged, enlightened, and
uplifted are an amazing spiritual experience every day that teach me about God
and His Way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They teach me about the
truth of the Book of Mormon, about my origin as a Daughter of God who can learn
by praying to Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am actually on fire for this!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know writing always makes me feel
frustrated that I can’t express my fire!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Huh, there you go, a spiritual experience just happened to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What did I just learn? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I must be planting seeds that don’t lead to
the spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The seed was, “I can never
write powerfully enough to get my message across.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then if I pay attention I learn that it was
not a good seed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt negative,
fearful, frustrated and unfaithful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yup,
not a good seed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In conclusion. I saw an old friend last week I hadn’t seen
in probably 35 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had experienced
a painful divorce that devastated him a few years back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of that he left the church, got
addicted to all kinds of drugs and was homeless for a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has worked his way out of addiction and
has come back to living the gospel for about 3 years now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked him what he has learned from his
journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He said, “Living the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way
to true happiness.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is the testimony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is the big spiritual experience we can see every day if we pay
attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Living the gospel of Jesus
Christ brings true happiness, long lasting happiness. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love this gospel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
love good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love that our Heavenly Father
speaks and we can learn by small and simple things like just paying attention
to how we feel as we plant and experiment every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-25332949553292190872019-02-03T15:40:00.000-08:002019-02-03T15:40:49.731-08:00You can be the miracle when you follow God's path for you.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was recently asked to speak to my Alma mater; The BYU
Ballroom Company, during an annual devotional they hold for their teams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an honor to be asked to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prayed a lot about what would be the best
message I could give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt the spirit
speak to me about how important it is to follow God’s individual path for us no
matter how difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if we keep at
it, then God can make our weaknesses into strengths and our fear into faith. This
message became important to me since I felt the spirit gave it to me specifically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually fell in love with the message so I
wanted to share it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here it is:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I think about college students, young adults and people
in general I think about the many demands being placed on all of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was a BYU student; dancing, teaching,
and competing on the BYU Ballroom Company and working to put myself through
school, I felt busy and stressed most of the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The demands were huge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I look back on those days with fondness because
it seems like life’s demands are continual and ever increasing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know some of the demands of life we place on ourselves and
some are placed on us and as those expectations grow we can feel like we don’t
have enough resources to meet the demands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We can even feel that what our Heavenly Father asks of us, like prayer,
scripture reading, church attendance, etc. is a demand; just one more thing we
have to do, when actually the things He asks of us are resources, and the key
is understanding how to make them be the resources they are.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder Anderson spoke at an MTC devotional a few months ago
and talked about the physical side of doing things vs. the spiritual side. He basically
said, ‘We <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">go</b> to church, we <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">read</b> our scriptures, we <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">pay</b> our tithing, we <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">kneel</b> and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">pray</b>, and we <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">take</b> the
sacrament.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are the physical things
we do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there is a spiritual element
to these things that we can be oblivious to as we go through the motions of
checking off our list of “to do’s”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
spiritual side means instead of just going to church, we actually worship the
Lord and want to show our love for Him by attending church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t just kneel and pray, but we speak,
listen and give attention to the spirit’s voice and receive spiritual answers
and knowledge as we pray. When we read our scriptures we pay attention, ask
questions and seek for understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We feel trust and happiness as we pay our
tithing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t just take the
sacrament, but we repent, re-set, express devotion to our savior, and receive
His grace.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If we don’t get past the physical side of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">doing</b> things, we will continually see
all the things the Lord asks us to do, as a burden; a demand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will continue to go through the physical motions
and never get to the spiritual knowledge of what the Lord really wants us to
feel, know and do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What He asks of us is
a resource, to enlarge and strengthen us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Spiritual knowledge saves us and increases our abilities, but we have to
do the spiritual work we sometimes unconsciously think of as physical demand;
things we have to, “check off” so that we can please the Lord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting to the spiritual element of the
things we do fills and strengthens, enlightens and uplifts, but it requires
more spiritual effort on our part.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I developed a relationship at an early age with my Heavenly Father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t come from a great home life and so I
often found myself on my knees seeking for comfort and understanding from
deity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned to listen to His voice,
love Him and want to please Him as He became my peace; my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right from the beginning of my life I didn’t
ever just kneel and say words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed
Him and I found Him through prayer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a great blessing to me to have a need created so
young that I sought after God early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
one of the side effects of this home life was fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a tremendous amount of fear as I grew
up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Bio, list’s things that I have
done that sound impressive but the reality was, was that I was so fearful pretty
much all of the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing that terrified me to the, “I’m out of my mind
point,” was speaking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had social
skills, I could be friendly and nice but I couldn’t speak about anything that
was important to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was at girls
camp and all the girls were bearing their testimonies, I never did, it was
terrifying to me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I came to BYU and
sat in testimony meeting, it was like God was trying to force me to speak; just
pouring the spirit down on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would
feel the spirit so strongly I would shake and my heart would pound and my hands
would sweat but I couldn’t do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
so terrified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once when the tour team
was on tour in China we had a long bus ride and Lee wanted to have a testimony
meeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the only time we ever did
anything like that and I got so brave, I stood up and tried to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything I said sounded awful, I balled and
snot was running down my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so
humiliated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swore I would never try to
bear my testimony again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the real story actually starts when I was 17.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was when I received my patriarchal
blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I heard my blessing and
later read it, I thought it was the wrong blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I literally felt it was wrong, I could never
be or do all the things it said, because I was opposite of almost everything it
said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of those things was, “You will
never want for words as you bear testimony of Jesus Christ.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then it said some other things I would be
able to do because of that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Absolutely never going to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No way could I ever be that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But God has a sense of humor and since pouring the spirit
out on me wouldn’t make me speak, I started being called to serve as a relief
society teacher in every student ward I moved too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew whenever I moved to a new student ward
I would be called to serve as a relief society teacher and I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I got married, I thought I would never
be a relief society teacher again, nope, called to be a relief society
teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally bought our first house
and moved, called to be a relief society teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a relief society teacher in 5 wards
before I was ever called to do anything else, and then it was a constant
rotation of primary teacher and young woman adviser after that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because of my relationship with my Heavenly Father I had a
strong desire to do God’s will and fulfill my callings well, so I kept working
at opening my mouth and he kept giving me those opportunities. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haha, but I did find my voice and I overcame
my fear of speaking eventually, thank goodness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I realized God could help me be more than I was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I listened to the spirit and let it guide me, it lead me
to making some hard decisions that changed the course of my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dancing, choreographing, being a soloist, and teaching at
BYU, was a dream and I felt so happy doing all of those things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had more dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After graduating, I wanted to teach H.S. for
a few years, go back and get my master’s and teach at a university.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This burned inside of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was such a part of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back I realize I got a lot of my
self-esteem for accomplishing things and “looking good” according to the
world’s eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s especially
easy to do that when you’re a dancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s all about looking good, getting a good part, being seen. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(In
this day and age, it’s also very easy to live in that place of getting value
from the world because of social media and how fast we can view and judge
everyone’s lives, and our own lives in comparison.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know better or different, of how to
get value, but God wanted me to be better than I was and lead me on the painful
path down that road.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was teaching H.S. when I had my first baby and I felt the
whispering's of the spirit tell me to stay home and raise my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in a dilemma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew God, I loved Him, I was always trying
to listen and obey, I repented quickly when I did the wrong thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I really wanted, to my very DNA, to
dance, teach and choreograph on a University level.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the hardest thing I had ever done, I chose the Lord, quit
my job and stayed home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pretty much
hated it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a refiner’s fire for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took me about 10 years before I
liked it and about 15 years for the Lord to change me enough to where I would
choose it myself if He said I could do whatever I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when the 15 years was done I knew there
was nothing better that I could do with my life than raise my children well,
and that mothering was the most valiant and valuable profession I could ever
aspire too. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But God wasn’t done with me yet, there was more. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
putting all my energies into serving in the church and serving my family. But
secretly in my deep sub-conscious, I was still trying to get value from the
world and hoped I could have some leadership calling in the church, or something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But no, I was a teacher endlessly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 7 years in our first home, we built and
moved into our dream home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a
primary teacher for 9 years out of the first 12 years we lived there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kind of became mad at God, at that point. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember crying, “Can’t I do anything else,
can’t I ever be a leader or in charge of something:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t I ever have something important to do?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God told me, “No!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt his words express, “You have to learn
where your value comes from, and it’s not from any visual thing you do or
accomplish.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That led me to not just fine tuning in my life, but major
dial changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to find out where
true value comes, because I wasn’t going to get it from any big calling in the
church, I wasn’t going to get it from any great career, and I was miserable
trying too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God would not allow me down
that easy path.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not get value
from the world at all, because I was nothing to the world. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like my “current bush” wasn’t being
pruned, it was being ripped out by the roots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Talk about a refining fire.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took two years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Why does it take me
years to learn life-changing things?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anyway, The Lord is patient and kind, and I came out of it with absolute
knowledge that my value comes internally from who I am as a child of God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t matter what people think about
you, say about you, or feel about you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It only matters what God thinks and feels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew it to my DNA, and I became very aware
that I didn’t need to do anything sensational to be of worth. Of course, God having
the sense of humor he does, called me to be the Young Women’s President, right
when I felt great about not having a demanding calling. But I knew I only needed
to please God and I knew I was of great worth to Him and so I was at peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was also full of hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We didn’t have an easy life raising our children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything didn’t happen perfectly because we
were trying to serve God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we felt
hopeful always that we could solve problems and move forward. But again God had
a refiner’s fire in store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to admit when we were called to serve as Mission
Presidents to WA. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a perfect plan
of how it would be and what would happen with my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had two children who were coming home from
missions and I had the vision of our other three children serving missions
while we served and it would be perfect. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would all find great spouses and get
married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would be financially
blessed. Etc. etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was going to be so
perfect.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pretty much none of that happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While we served all of our children
struggled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only one more child went on a
mission and he had a horrible experience with his physical health and a mission
president that, he felt, didn’t seem to understand or care to help him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He developed depression and anxiety and came
home for a back surgery that ended up not working and then dealing with some
severe anxiety that was debilitating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
eventually left the church and turned on us for a few years and it was brutal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We had another son who came to understand he was gay when he
went through puberty and while living in WA decided to live that life style.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His life has been pretty much a nose dive
since that decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That world has a
lot of drugs and sex that surround it and he became addicted to meth, among
other things.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These were two great young men, and all this happened while
we served a mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[In our eyes these two boys are still great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We love them so much and getting them through
the last few years has been another refining fire that has been life changing
for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But through it all I have
learned that God really does love us no matter what we do, because I love them
no matter what they do.]<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we got home things didn’t get any better, as a matter
of fact they got worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother was
dying of cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our family couldn’t
take care of her so that fell to me once I got home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cared for my mother for 3 weeks while she
struggled to die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was sacred but
amazingly hard.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I took over the care of my father who had Parkinson’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got him into a new assisted living
facility, took him to multiple doctor’s visits, dissolved their estate, rented
out and managed his condo to pay for his expenses, and started to manage his
medication daily.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don got Parkinson’s disease, we had no job and our finances
weren’t good and we needed to sale our home and move.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This all happened within about the first 6 weeks of being
home and I learned that traumatic events can cause depression as I fell into a
depression that changed me in ways I didn’t know what was happening to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I struggled to understand God’s plan for our family and
how so many things could go wrong when we were giving our all to the Lord, I
heard God’s voice many times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I admit I
wasn’t perfectly trusting and believing at this time, but the voice told me
over and over again to hold on and he would get me there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That He knew what I needed more than I knew
what I needed and I should trust him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
I held on the best I could. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this time I read a book by Neil A. Maxwell
called <u>“Not My Will, But Thine”, (The Christ like path of submission to
God’s will).</u> He said something that hit me so hard, “Faith is
strongest when it is without illusion”. This speaks to my very heart and
soul. He says in these few words what I would try to say in volumes and
still not speak very well about. It seems to me my whole life is being
wrapped around this principle. “Faith is strongest when it is without
illusion.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s easy to have faith when prayers are answered, you can
see blessings, things fall into place like you think they will. Yes, I
had trials and challenges, definitely. But I faced them, worked on them,
prayed for help, and got through them, and learned stuff along the way.
Elder Maxwell calls that kind of life, K-12, lessons and experiences. In
1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, “We undergo afflictions such as are common to
man”. That was what I think I was living; afflictions that were common to
man. But Elder Maxwell says, “God will deliberately give us further
lessons and experience which take us beyond the curriculum common to man and on
into uncommon graduate studies or even post-doctoral discipleship. These
trials are often the most difficult to bear.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel like that! I am not in elementary school
anymore. I know God wanted to get me past, “Faith, because it all works
out perfectly”, to “Faith without illusion; that I know God, trust Him and Love
Him when it all doesn’t work out perfectly.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is how I feel today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know God lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He does answer
prayers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need to see the blessings he
offers, even when it’s not the blessing we long for. He has a sacred honor to
protect all of our free agency and he won’t take that away from anyone, but can
we still see the work He is doing in our life, the blessings He is giving?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must see His hand and recognize his voice
even in tremendous pain and sorrow. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His way is The Way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our way is just A way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And our
way will not get us to that place of divine potential we aspire too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The decision’s I made all along the way to
follow God changed me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw things in
my Patriarchal blessing being full filled and coming to pass the entire time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was amazed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>God really can make us more than what we can make of our self and our patriarchal
blessings can come to pass.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there was still one thing in that blessing that I could
never really see happening.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I had my eyes opened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Over the last 7 years God had been working on that too, and I hadn’t
even recognized it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were called to
serve as mission presidents and worked with huge numbers of missionaries while
our mission was being split and then during the age change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We figured we worked with 600-700
missionaries while we were on our mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then watched them go out and work with hundreds of people
influencing them for good.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we came home we were called to serve as a Branch
President at the MTC and have worked with hundreds of missionary’s in the last
3 ½ years and have watched them go out and work with hundreds of people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have been teaching mission prep to BYU
students for 3 years and have taught hundreds of students who have then gone
out and influenced hundreds of people for good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, now as I read my blessing, I am amazed that it wasn’t
wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every one of those things have
come true. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is such an amazing
feeling, and worth every bit of self you have to give up to have.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the time I thought I was making such hard, painful
sacrifices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But getting through all of
that and being on the other side of it, I am gratefully aware that God’s plan
is better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I wanted for my life would
have never created the lesson’s I needed to get me past myself and onto
something better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also recognize none of this could have happened for me
without personal revelation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because as
I look back I realize the pivotal moment for me wasn’t when I decided to give
up my dream and stay home with my children, or accepting a teaching calling
that terrified me, it was earlier than that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was when I was a BYU student and I heard the voice of the spirit say,
“Do your visiting teaching every month no matter how busy you are. Full filling
your calling is the best use of your time.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I did it, every month no matter how crazy busy I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was also when I heard the voice of the
spirit tell me to stay clean and worthy of the spirit as I dated, and I did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Following God starts with the little things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if you do those things he will get you to
the big refiner’s fires in your life that will change you deeply into what your
patriarchal blessing says you can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think of all those stake conferences, zone conferences,
mission conferences, women’s conferences, etc that I had to speak at on our
mission, and all the sacrament meeting talks, new missionary training's, and
Sunday afternoon training's at the MTC and all those mission prep classes we’ve
taught and guess what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
never really nervous during any of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is like a miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned
what God wanted me to know; I only need to please Him, and because of that, I
never want for words as I bear testimony of Jesus Christ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My main message is: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Listen to the spirit, Obey that voice above all others, stay
with Him no matter how hard life gets, and you will become more than you ever
thought possible, but what God knows is possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-72592187663472519792018-11-11T17:54:00.001-08:002018-11-11T17:54:46.499-08:00Christ heals broken things.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kind of copped out on that last post I wrote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t really tell you how believing in
Christ, professing Christ, or thanking God for Christ is not enough, from my
own experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned more than I
ever had before about turning towards Christ and using His atonement while we were
on our mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have spoken about it
in previous blog posts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt knowledge
exponentially grow within me of how Christ’s atonement is a power to heal me
spiritually, sometimes even physically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>On my mission, it strengthened me daily as I called on the atoning blood
of Jesus Christ to worry for me, make me calm, make me brave, make me get out
of bed, make me keep moving, stay awake while driving, free me from guilt of
not doing more, being more, and accomplishing more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called on Christ’s power to hold my
irritation from having a leaky faucet I couldn’t get fixed for 4 months, too,
burnt rolls for a luncheon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed
more power than I possessed at the time and it made me have to learn Christ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being so vulnerable made me have to learn how
to Come, Seek, and Turn to Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used Christ for everything I needed so I could have a free
heart; free to be filled with the opposite of what my natural woman was feeling;
calm instead of irritated, energy instead of tired, brave instead of nervous,
comfort instead of worry, peace instead of guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could write volumes about how life changing
this knowledge; that I could use Christ’s atonement for whatever I needed
instantly, came to be for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So this is great to talk about, but what does it have to do
with my previous blog post?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thing is
I coped out by not saying the truth. I have learned something different since
the mission, because when I came home I couldn’t, I didn’t, and I haven’t. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t use His atonement to make me be
strong, get up and go, love everything, serve everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt guilty about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew how to use Christ to help me be more, “I
should be doing that”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I couldn’t, I
was in too much pain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t coming home that caused all the pain and
suffering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was everything that
happened because of coming home that broke me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I felt like I was pieces of myself and I didn’t know where I had gone,
or what happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept asking myself
what was wrong with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found out
about 18 months later that you can develop depression from traumatic events,
and that rang true for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we came home in just one month we moved, we lost our
job and had no source of income, I took care of my mother while she died, Don developed
Parkinson’s, I got my father into an assisted living facility, dissolved my
parents estate, and faced living with the tragedy of what happened to my twin
boys, all in about 30 days. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so
brutal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then the hard things kept
coming even after that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why couldn’t I use Christ’s atoning power to just heal me
automatically for good? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I admit there
have been lots of times I thought, “Oh good, I’m back, I feel more normal.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then I couldn’t hold on to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like 2 steps forward and one step back
for a long time, like years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the last three years: I didn’t know if God knew me anymore,
if he had a plan for me, if he loved me, or would bless me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had whisperings of thoughts that killed my
hope all the time. To be honest, thoughts about God’s integrity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt we had sacrificed and worked so hard
and He didn’t bless us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt he had
given a promise that if we took care of the missionaries, he would take care of
our children, and he didn’t. I had lots of why questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hated them, but I couldn’t stop them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Looking at it now, I think God had a different path for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has shown me a different way to Christ
than what I knew before. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have seen His
hand in miraculous ways over the last three years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could I have had that happen if I was
magically healed and made strong right away?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Three years of struggle is a whole different path then being healed in 3
days!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This long process of seeing myself more clearly; who I am
and who I’m not, has been one more painful thing added to the list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it has also made me see who my savior is
and who he isn’t as I have felt him work with me, be patient with me, and whisper
to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My experience on my mission was Christ’s atonement can heal
us quickly, strengthen us immediately, take away, hold, or even create a
barrier instantaneously.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My experience coming home from my mission was Christ’s
atonement can heal us over time, strengthen us in layers, take away the poison
in my soul, hold the pain, and create a barrier of protection between me and
spirit sucking thoughts, gradually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gradually because of me, not because of Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gradually because some things take time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gradual is a different path and as I look back my heart is
so full of gratitude, love and something else that is indescribable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is like knowledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knowledge of god’s goodness, his amazing
patience, His gentle kindness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I haven’t
been easy the last few years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I look
back and know He stayed with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
hasn’t condemned me for asking, He hasn’t whipped me for my doubts, fears, or disappointments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He hasn’t been hard on me because I was in so
much pain I couldn’t be strong.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know His character in a different way now, because of the
gradual, layers of knowledge and healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This knowledge has forced me to look back on my life and see
Him more clearly in past times too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Christ’s Atonement was always blessing me, but it was in ways I didn’t
really understand. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was young,
crying over being hit or screamed at, He was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was a starving student paying my way
through college, He was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the
times I struggled in my marriage, He was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I had 5 children in 6 years and was busy way beyond my own
strength, He was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look back and feel amazed at all these hard things in my
life that I got through pretty well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
I have come to know my savior and my Heavenly Father more intimately through
these last 3 years I recognize they were always there helping me throughout my
life, I just didn’t know it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whenever you are in the depths, trying, God is there, whether
you know it or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I knew God when we went on our mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I was pretty much there
spiritually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then God showed me so
much more while we served.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I came to
know God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in such a more intimate, powerful
way while he made us capable of serving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought God was done when we came home; he had shown me
all He had, and I was pretty much there spiritually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I look back and I know I was just getting
started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have learned so much more
from this gradual, layer filled, painful process of coming to know all He can
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He can heal broken things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He can put all our pieces back together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He can give us incredible light and knowledge that helps us see into the
eternities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t worry anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will keep all of His promises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will give us sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will help us walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He saves us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He has saved me over and over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My perspective is death is not the end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This life is not the end all, be all, to our
living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God will wipe away our tears, and
turn all things to our good.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Believing in Christ is great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what is even better is knowing Him!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How does He work in your life right now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is He loving you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is He healing you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is He speaking to you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is He trying to get you to do, or not
do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does He want you to know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He is communicating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He is working. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will you open up
your heart and mind to see Him, not just when your running on all cylinders,
but when you’re not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because He is still
there. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is not just powerful in those
times to make you rise and meet life head on, full of energy and strength,
making you better and capable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is
also there when you are broken, holding on and just surviving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So my message is:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christ’s power is real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He is real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A vague profession of
belief won’t due.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever phase of life
you’re in, where ever your journey has taken you, whether you’re on top of the
world with faith and conversion, or if you’re at the bottom mired in the pain
of sin and regret, or anywhere else in between, His power to heal you, speak to
you, and love you is real. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Repent and He
will clean, Listen and He will speak, Ask and He will give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His power atones for all we go through on
this personal journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s intimate,
and sacred, and personal to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He heals
us spiritually when we stay with Him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-8602235414977423952018-09-30T15:49:00.001-07:002018-09-30T16:00:52.588-07:00Christ is not the end game, but He is the Way.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t published a blog in a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been writing off and on, but haven’t
posted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been a long process for me
to discover why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, now I don’t know
where to start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I thought I would
start with this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope to overcome
and post things from the last three years journey but today is just about
today. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lots of thoughts this week:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First thought. Have you ever come across a person that seems
to have a block against you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t
know why, but it feels like they are constantly making you wrong?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or have you ever been a person who doesn’t
like someone and you can’t help but interpret them in negative way?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would imagine the answer is, YES.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My thought is, to really see right and wrong, truth and
error, isn’t that easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It feels natural
to me that we see things according to our own way; what makes us justified, blame
free, or right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To ever see anything
different from that way, we must have some kind of spiritual
transformation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The reason why is, it’s
just so easy to see ourselves right in every situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The natural man inside of us just pulls at us
to make everyone wrong and ourselves right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So seeing correctly can be difficult. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s easier to just see things according to
the world and our own story. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think the world also makes it difficult to see right and
wrong, truth and error, because the natural man wants comfort, easy, and
safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The worlds messages are usually
always about obtaining and living in a place of comfort, ease and safety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So truth can be difficult to find.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My thought is we must be clean and worthy of God’s spirit to
see HIS TRUTH, HIS RIGHT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being clean
and worthy of His spirit gives us the chance to See clearly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Second Impression. Knowing Christ is not enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christ is not the end game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is the Way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the way to what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The end game s to live with God again; to be a person who COULD
live and WOULD WANT to live with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christ
is the vehicle to becoming that person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Knowing about Christ’s atonement, believing in Him and what He did is awesome,
but that is just the gift box still wrapped, with the ribbon still intact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a wasted gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coming unto Christ is all about unwrapping and
using the gift of His atonement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And using
the gift of His atonement is all about becoming Holy; which is not and never
will be a passive belief or knowing, it is a very active, alive, agent based
process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My thought is this, repenting of sin is just the first,
basic step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel there is a whole lot
of unholy going on inside of us and me, that isn’t really thought of as
sin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Angry, Mad, Irritated, Frustrated,
Hate, Envy, Fear, even things like Regret, Hurt and Pain take us/me away from feeling
and being filled with the Spirit of God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet they aren’t normally considered sin, or things we need to repent of.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our Savior’s doesn’t want us to just profess belief, know
about Him, or only use His Atonement for “obvious sin”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wants us to use Him to Become as He
Is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which means we must get to the point
where we, “love our enemies, (or even just love our family members), do good to
those who hate you and pray for those which despitefully use you, and persecute
you. That you may be a child of God.” Matt 5.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We must suffereth long and be kind,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>envieth not, is not puffed up, seeketh no her
own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth not in iniquity but
rejoiceth in truth, bear, believe, hope and endure all things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moroni 7.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My experience is all this is impossible!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My guess is all of us are not these
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is why knowing Christ is
not enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believing in Him is not
enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must Use Him; we must ask God
to apply Christ atoning blood so that we may not only be forgiven of our sins,
but that our hearts may be purified. Mosiah 4. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When our hearts are purified we can be loving when we’re
hurt, (we don’t do that on our own), we can be kind when we are mistreated, (we
don’t do that on our own), we can be comforted when we are full of grief,
peaceful in times of trial, happy in others success, humble when we are wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How hard is that!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need a Savior to save us from all of this
natural man stuff that so easily besets us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it’s not just professing or belief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We must use our Savior’s atoning sacrifice to purify us so
that we can reach the end game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A heart
that can live in God’s presence; a heart that wants nothing that isn’t pure or
holy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only God, Jesus Christ and the
Holy Spirit can get us there and we must be an active participant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t just “sit” in our anger, frustration
and pain and stay there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must move,
using our savior, and come out of it.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My third realization
comes from D&C 59: 12-14.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Verse 12-“Remember
the Lord’s Day……..”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Verse 13-“……..do no
other thing,… with singleness of heart that thy fasting may be perfect, or, in
other words, that thy joy may be full.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever thought of fasting and joy together in the
same sentence?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it said that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Joy may be full” is another way of saying, “fasting
may be perfect”.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Verse 14-“Verily, this is fasting and prayer, or in other
words, rejoicing and prayer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it
said, fasting and rejoicing are the same thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever thought of fasting as being a rejoicing
experience? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be honest, I would have to say none of the time did I
start a fast feeling joy and rejoicing at the thought of fasting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>{There is that natural man again.}<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think when I feel really spiritual, really bonded, really
close to God I have felt Joy and Rejoicing as synonyms of Fasting, so I know
that can happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But most of the time I
do it because it’s a commandment and I want to obey. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am super happy when it’s over and I
love the blessings I gained from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After it’s over!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My learning is, when you want good, love righteousness,
desire all those spiritual feelings and spiritual blessings that come when
fasting, and you want them more than you want food or water, then you will
think of fasting as joyful and rejoice to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My next thought is I need my savior for that too.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To conclude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
three of these thoughts came to me at different times during the week, but I feel
the message to me was the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
see a natural man inside of me and if I want to overcome the natural man I have
to actively not be OK with his presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have to ask, seek, knock, cry, empty, wash, see, listen, reject,
invite, stand, kneel, open, push, etc. etc. etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Basically, “Becoming” is such an active, verb based process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-40098383185612541172017-11-26T18:06:00.000-08:002017-11-26T18:06:00.064-08:00Self as Others. It's a life changing way of seeing your world. <div class="MsoNormal">
I recently went to a 3-day seminar where true leadership was
part of the training. For me to really
grasp the content it took hours, if not days.
Then I have had to live with myself for weeks to really recognize how
these insights apply to my life. Since I
am really slow and stubborn, and you’re not, I believe that sharing this bit of
understanding in a page is going to be super effective for you!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is this typical or what:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’re in the back and wished you had that great “spot” in
the front? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feeling frustrated because people ask questions about “dumb
stuff that isn’t even important, and now you’re wasting time on unimportant
stuff!”? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What about being with a group of friends or co-workers and you’re
totally unaware of what’s going on in their lives or how they are doing?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or, gone to Zumba and realized that….. “Gee I have been
doing Zumba in this Monday class off and on for 2 years with you all and I don’t
even know one of your names?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not to mention thinking your way is best so, “what in the
world are YOU thinking!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, “Man that driver is so stupid, pulling in front of me
and slowing down.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Also that general feeling of irritation over waiting for
someone, listening to someone, having to watch someone, driving someone or
anything else you didn’t want to do for someone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And could we go on?
Yes!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s all kind of laughable.
I can see us all running around in our fast, spontaneous, over achieving
little world, yelling about all of these ways others are putting us out. “How dare you make me wait for a few seconds because
you pulled in front of me and it cost me one second of my time, I had to
actually touch my brake.” “How dare you
talk to that person in line ahead of me and slow your ability to check me out
faster.” ETC.!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s typical. And if
you just pay attention for a few days, you’ll notice even more stinky stuff
that has to do with how you relate to the people in your 5 foot circle world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(If you’re saying, “No, not me”, pay attention. You may change your mind.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not just bringing this up to pain us or laugh at us, I
actually have learned something about this I am dying to give away, and it’s
that wonderful.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It all started last Friday, (actually I wrote this weeks ago
but refuse to do anymore editing), when I was in my first day of the Landmark
seminar. The forum leader started
talking right off the bat about how, “We are the group.” (I was a deer in the
head light thinking, what does that even mean, we are the group? It’s not even good grammar. He talked about it for an hour and I still
felt the same way about it.) Then he
said something about being, “Self as others.” (What in the world does that
mean? And that still is not good grammar!) Then he talked about, “We are all the same, no
matter our language, color of skin, or body type.” (I got that one). I related it to we are all children of God
and so I felt like, Oh yea I got this. Then
he said, “I am you, and you are me”, then I was back to, “I don’t get it”. He talked this way for quite a while. Then he started in on true leadership means
you effect the group. It’s not just good enough for you to be here, sitting in
your chair, all about yourself. (I was
like, I just got here, don’t blame me, I don’t even know these people). It’s not just enough for you to be about your
own learning and state of being, it’s not enough for you to just be glad you
filled your assignment, it’s not enough that you’re on time. It’s all about did you affect the people
around you to learn, fulfill assignments and be on time. True leadership is about you affecting the
people around you. You are not
successful until others are successful.
You don’t achieve until others achieve.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I eventually heard and understood his words, in my mind, and
eventually I thought they sounded great too, but I didn’t really understand in
my heart enough to go out and start changing the world around me. I call it head learning; my heart wasn’t
transforming but my brain understood the concepts. “I am you, you are me.” “We can’t be successful unless all of us are
successful.” “We are the group, you are
not just an individual.” Etc. I got it.
But it didn’t mean I started doing anything different. I still just sat there and listened.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then he talked about individuals make up partnerships, make
up families, make up groups, make up communities, make up societies, make up
the world. It all starts with the
individual, to be able to effect any kind of group, community or the
world. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At one point he actually asked me! “What have you done to show true leadership
in this room today?” I was like, “Who
me? What are you taking about, I am just
a little guy, here to listen and learn for myself, don’t bother me with
others. I don’t have the energy for
that. I’m just sittin here minding my
own business, leave me alone.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course I didn’t say all of that, I’m no dummy. I was just silently thinking it. Now just stick with me here. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Throughout the next three days the group leader kept going
around and asking what we had done to show true leadership that day. How had we lifted and raised the level of the
group. What had we done to make the group more effective, more powerful, and
more confident? And he didn’t just talk about it! He gave us an object lesson that took
days. This is what he did to actually
affect change in us: He wasn’t
nice! He demanded that we were all on
time and helping others be on time too, and if we weren’t, we all paid the
price. You could tell he didn’t care if
we liked him, and I wasn’t not liking him to much at all. He wouldn’t teach us anything, (we paid good
money and we all wanted to learn and he wouldn’t teach), and then he would go
on and on for hours talking about our inability to effect change in our individual
lives because we weren’t effecting change in our group. FOR HOURS!
Oh my gosh! Hours of confronting
us, holding our feet to the fire about what we weren’t doing to help each
other. And it took hours for us to get
that we need to be intense with each other; forceful, fighting mad so to
speak. At one point he said, “You Utah
people are way too nice, you’re so afraid of being socially correct that you
can’t demand anyone change.” That hurt. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But eventually we got it. The group became all of us. We demanded
everyone to be on time, with assignments done and we all made sure of it. We got each other’s phone numbers and called
each other. We held everyone accountable
to have their assignments done. By all
of us holding each other accountable literally everyone; all 120 participants
were 20 min early. I’ve never seen that
before in my life! We were a nervous
wreck if someone was only 10 min early.
We all paid the price if everyone didn’t complete their assignments so
we were all texting each other to find out if anyone needed help. No one left early either. It was an amazing experience in how true
leadership doesn’t back down, holds people accountable, expects integrity in
all things, (actually, more like demands integrity) and is bold and direct. He didn’t care if we liked him, he cared that
we changed. He loved us and wanted our
growth more than he wanted us to love him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to admit I am a pleaser, fixer, meet people’s
expectations kind of girl, so I caught on real fast that I need to get out of
my comfort; “me only”, zone and do what he was asking. So I went through the motions, doing what he
expected. But remember what I said about things take me a long time. So yea.
I got the specifics of what the expectation of action was, but I was
still going through the motions. Essentially I hadn’t changed, I was just performing
out of fear. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Until half way through the last day. We had been talking for an hour on something
I did not want to talk about. It was
frustrating. A guy kept asking questions
that I felt was not important to what was pertinent. I was not feeling very patient. It was that, “Quit asking dumb stuff”, kind
of attitude. Then our Forum leader said,
“Ok, are we good, everyone got it? Let’s
go on.” I whispered under my breath,
“Thank goodness, were finally going to get on with it.” My cute little group leader sitting next to
me whispered, “Melonie, self as others remember? <b>If
someone in the group needed that and got something out of it, then we all got
something out of it. We are the group.”</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Man that shot into my heart like a lazer. I am the group! I am no better or worse than anyone else. If they need it, I need it! I am just a unit in the whole. And this whole
doesn’t lift, raise or increase if even one unit of the whole isn’t lifting,
raising or increasing. If they are
successful, I am successful! If they hurt, then I hurt! <b>I am
connected in a fundamental way to everyone around me; equally and completely. We have a common fundamental thread of
humanity. We are ALL Children of God</b>. I am the group. For the first time in my life, I saw myself
not as an individual, but as just a part of the whole. I had a powerful heart change.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So this is the rest of the story:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I woke up Monday morning after the seminar, late for Zumba
(as I expressed in my earlier post), and headed off feeling really good. I was on fire for all the great things I had
learned over the weekend. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I got to Zumba I felt energy and freedom and so happy to
be there. As I started zumba-ing, I heard the normal voice inside me saying,
“Rats I’m late so I don’t have a front spot.”
(I hate being in the back). Then
I realized from my great training over the weekend, “NO, if she’s in the front,
it’s just like you are in the front.” We
are the group. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I heard the normal voice say, “I wish I had a better
spot so I could see.” I reminded myself that
if she has a good spot, then I have a good spot.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It changed me so much to actually apply the thing I had
learned in my everyday life. I felt so
glad that the girl in the front, had the front, and that the girl right in
front of me had a better spot and could see.
I felt amazing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I again realized that it isn’t enough for me to be
feeling good. That’s meaningless. I have to effect this community and little
world around me for good. “But how am I
going to do that?” How do I take others
with me in a Zumba class? I was brave,
this is what I did. After the next set
of songs there was a break in the music.
I actually started turning and yelling with my hands in the air, “We are
so amazing!” I even jumped up and
down. It was a little ridiculous but everyone
started laughing and the whole room felt more friendly and energized. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During the next break, after the next set of songs I started
jumping again, (I couldn’t help it I felt so much amazing energy). I yelled, “We are having the biggest
victory, coming to Zumba early on a Monday morning!” They all started jumping and yelling too. The energy in the room again increased. We were all yelling and jumping. It was great.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the end we all were talking about how much fun we had and
how great the teacher was. And I
understood. True leadership means you
take people with you. It’s not enough
for you “to be”, you have to help others “to be” also. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then the class ended and I looked around and sadly thought
to myself, “I have been coming to Zumba off and on for two years now and I don’t
even know one of your names.” That was
eye opening.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realized one more thing.
I have been silently saying to strangers, “You all cost too much energy
for me to talk to you.” So I haven’t
been extending myself very well since being home from the mission. All my energy was going into surviving. Even when I started feeling better, I think I
was sub-consciously protecting my energy and just wouldn’t extend myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.5pt; border: none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; padding: 0in;">
But this day was different. I was different. I didn’t have to tell myself to do it. I didn’t have to talk myself into
anything. I wanted to know these women
who have been dancing next to me, so I talked to them, I asked them their
names. I was unreasonable. (That’s means
I wasn’t doing my normal reasonable that keeps me the same.) I talked, smiled, extended and it felt great.
It was amazing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext 1.5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; padding: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok so I wrote that about a month ago. Since then I have tried to become more aware
of seeing myself as others, and I have learned a lot. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My main take-aways are: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I see others success as my own I feel so amazingly
different. It’s hard to explain, but it
changes me instantly. When someone
else’s children are experiencing success, that’s my success. When someone’s house or yard is clean and
beautiful, that’s my success. When
someone else is getting a good education, a great job, a promotion, an award,
the best spot, that is all of our success.
We are the group. We are
together. We are not against each
other. We are not to compare or
compete. That is a barrier. True leadership elevates others. God’s way is truly that love that sees us as
each other. Self as Others. We are the group.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the most life changing way of seeing people.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I see myself as the group I no longer feel mad about
the guy who just cut me off and then went slow, or the work and sacrifices I make
that I don’t receive credit for, or even scared to write a blog post. I am just a part in the whole. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it’s never enough for me to just be feeling and doing
good. My improvement is really unimportant if it doesn’t translate into others
improvement too. True leadership is
Godly work. It means you are not
successful if others are not successful.
If I don’t spread energy, confidence, ability, kindness, acceptance, and
any other good thing, then it was kind of a waste. Because
it’s not about you, it’s about seeing your place in the whole and then lifting
it; the partnership, the family, the group, the community, the society, the
world. You are an individual part in a whole. What will you do to effect that whole? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not perfect at this.
But I love it and I want to continue to invite it to become a part of
me. It’s a beautiful way of being. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Self as Others. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am the group. <o:p></o:p></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-63392490835842701512017-10-19T18:34:00.001-07:002017-10-19T18:36:51.752-07:00Because I say so!<div class="MsoNormal">
I woke up Monday morning and realized two things. <br />
<br />
Both things came from some training I received
over the weekend at a seminar called Landmark.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first thing was what my language had done to me in the
last twelve hours. I was late for Zumba,
and I had eaten a whole lot of chocolate covered raisins and peanut better
pretzels the night before. Both things I
wasn’t too pleased about and they had happened simply because of words I had
said to myself. I said, “Wow you have
gotten to bed so late the last three nights you should sleep in and not set
your alarm.” And the night before I said
the words, “Wow you haven’t had any sugar for 4 days so you deserve to eat
whatever’s available and it’s late and that’s what’s available so you get to
eat that.” I say things and then I have
to live with the fallout from them, and then I say more stuff like, “What were
you thinking?” And it all started because
I said the words. I said so, so it was
so. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reason why this is important is because I had an, “ah-ha”
moment during the seminar when they were teaching that anything that is real in
life is born out of language; <b>not to say
it doesn’t exist, but that it becomes real for us through language.</b> It’s hard to understand, but saying something
like, “that is a mountain, a street sign, a ball, etc only makes it so because we
have all agreed those words should mean that.”
Even abstract things like I’m cold, hot, hungry, angry, etc is born out
of language. They exist but the actual
words used to describe anything has arisen out of language. Even the story I tell myself from, “what
happened”, isn’t really real. None of it
is real. It only becomes real once we
attach language to it to describe it, tell it, and explain it to ourselves. And when we are unhappy, afraid, or mad, boy
do we tell it, over and over again using words we choose to make it real for
ourselves. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You may be thinking, “So what?” Well, it’s actually very powerful. I am the author of the words I use. I “borned” them, or created them, or birthed
them, or whatever word you prefer. I
like, “borned”. And they are just
words. The words themselves don’t mean
anything except for the value or symbol I have given to them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Something about understanding this has changed me. They are just words. “I don’t have enough money”, is just words, “I
am tired”, is just words, “I can’t write in my blog, it won’t be good”, is just
words. People, they are just words! They don’t even mean anything except for what
I tell them to mean. I have had a huge
shift in thinking. This understanding
has made change seem so doable and easy.
I am the author of the words I use.
The meaning behind those words only have the power I give them. They only mean what I create them to mean. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So when I got up and thought about the words I used and what
I created because of them it was a powerful moment<b>. I can change words easily!</b> In the, “I’m late for Zumba” because I said
the words, “It’s ok for me to sleep in”, moment, I decided to say the words, “its
ok, I’m going to Zumba anyway”. And I went because I chose some different
words. Yesterday when I had the thought,
“I just want to eat a whole lot of ice cream”, I thought, “I know how this
works, I’m just going to change the words”, so I said, “I am going to eat a
piece of gum, I love gum.” Because I
said it, I did it. <b>The only thing that is real is what I say is real. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wrote that a few days ago and have been paying attention
to my language and the meaning I attach to the words ever since, and I have to
admit I am struggling. I want to be
powerful in my life where I always do what I know will bring me the greatest
meaning, purpose, freedom and confidence.
I have wanted to watch TV and eat an entire half gallon of ice cream all
day, just because I set a ton of goals this morning, and ever since I have been
STRUGGLING!! I have been forcing myself
to keep going and getting the things done I set out to do and have been
practicing saying more powerful words all along the way. But what a struggle. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I have realized from this is that I have a strong way
of <i>being </i>that fights against me <i>being</i> different.<b> </b>I set goals to get the
laundry done, clean the house, correct student’s lesson plans, eat healthy,
write and post a blog entry. Not that
being busy is out of the ordinary but my state of being is freaking out for
some reason. It must have been the blog
post idea. I can hear the words all day
long saying, “you’re tired you should take a nap, wouldn’t it be great to just
sit and read a book, you don’t really want to write anything that takes up to
much energy, I just want to watch a movie and eat ice cream!” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh my gosh, my state of being is having a huge rebellion and
fire hosing me with words of inability and weakness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am determined I will prevail!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will finish correcting my lesson plans tonight and post a
blog post tonight! No matter what! Because I say so!!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HHHMMMMM. How is that
for being in charge of the creation of my own language? <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
…………....(So I said I wanted to write about two things but I will
write about the other thing tomorrow.
And I will write another post tomorrow, no matter what because I say
so! So there. That is really kicking my old self in the behind
and using different words!) Love
it!! I feel so much better. I’m going to push the button now and feel
awesome.<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-59154939705349816592017-09-17T19:07:00.001-07:002017-09-18T12:38:30.050-07:00Grateful in all things<div class="MsoNormal">
Gratitude is a form of repentance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve learned a lot about gratitude the last 4 years. The things that happened to us surrounding
our mission and after coming home have been my continual teacher. It all started on the mission when so many
hard things were happening with our family that I couldn’t see blessings. I started to pray hard that I could, “Please
let me see the blessings.” Over time I
realized I wasn’t necessarily receiving the blessings I wanted, but I was still
being blessed; Meghan and Mitch moved out of our basement, but we were able to
rent the basement, Ryan had to quit his job to finish his last year of classes
which was stressful with a wife and baby, but we were able to give him a job
doing yard work with the money we got from rent, Nathan was nose diving and we
had no idea why, but we found out it was drugs and got him into a treatment
center, we had two boys fall away from the church, but Meghan and Marissa got
pregnant and two beautiful baby girls joined our family, etc. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this time as I tried to focus on the blessings, it was an
exercise of my mind to express gratitude and not think of the hard thing that
was causing pain or stress. As I
expressed gratitude for blessings I always felt like it was a conduit to
heaven. The minute I started to place
myself in a state of thanks I would immediately feel instant heaven. It taught me a lot. I was amazed at what gratitude could do to help me feel instantly changed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Coming home seemed to continue the pattern. My mother passed away shortly after we got
home, but I was able to care for her for 3 weeks, Don developed Parkinson’s,
but he is still doing well, I wanted Don to get a normal job or a real estate
project, didn’t happen, but we have experienced miracles where our finances are
concerned, etc. Again it was such an
exercise of faith for me. I was in a
world of hurt but kept trying to look for the blessings and expressing
thanks. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can relate to Moroni, when he is talking about Alma’s
experience, when they were put under bondage in the wilderness. Here Alma is going against king Noah and
all the other wicked priests and following after Abinadi. He is trying to do
what is right, he is sacrificing his safety and comfort to bring others closer
to Christ. You would think God would
make it easy and they would be blessed.
But instead they are found and put in bondage. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Moroni says in Mos 23: 21-23 about Alma’s situation; the
Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and faith…..yet-whosoever
putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day….for they
were brought into bondage and none could deliver them but the Lord….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It tells me that trials are a very specific tool used to
help us see and know God. Think about
it. If everything was easy in our lives,
we would never feel the need for a Savior, the gospel, or the need to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer. Trials put us in a state of vulnerability
which makes us a little more tender and open; seeking and searching for
understanding, comfort and strength. It
drives us to our knees with more intention and purpose; seeking our Heavenly
Fathers assistance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Times like these give our God a chance to show himself. We come to know God in our extremities.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the next chapter Alma himself talks about what God promised them, “…….I will also ease the burdens which are
put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even
while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for
me here after, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit
my people in their afflictions.” He is
saying, “You will have trials, and if you will stay with me through it, you’ll
come out knowing me better and being able to witness of me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s the same way with Ammon. In Alma 26:35, Ammon is expressing his
profound gratitude to God for all those trials and sacrifice they went through
on their 15 year mission, “we have suffered all manner of afflictions that we
might be the means of saving some souls….”
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ammon says perfectly what happened to them because they
stuck with God, had faith in Him through it all, and were able to see the
blessings even though they suffered and everything didn’t make perfect sense;
Alma 26:35, now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never
were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea,
and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my god; for he has all power,
all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful
Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I see in that verse is amazing. They had these trials, they suffered, God saw
fit to try their patience, and some of their people even died. And because of it they came to know their God
profoundly; intimately. So much so that
they described him as – “all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he
comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being even unto salvation……”
but,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It takes humility and repentance to come to that kind of
knowledge.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The very same sentence he adds, “….to those who will repent
and believe on his name.”<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
I think it is hard to be humble. That may just be me, but I think it's hard to be soft and open when your in the middle of trials! But it is the answer that will solve problems, it brings the ability to hear the answers God is communicating and the willingness to believe and follow those answers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the important part.
Repentance comes from the Greek words: meta=change of form, and
noval=mind, knowledge, spirit, breath, (meaning life). <b>When we change our form to be in a state of
gratitude we are actually repenting. </b> The natural man is never grateful! The natural man is an enemy to God. He can’t feel the spirit in his state of
seeking the will of his flesh, his way and his expectations. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gratitude as a state of repentance means change from the
natural way. It is not easy amidst pain,
doubt, confusion, and hurt to repent! To be grateful! <b>Yet what God promises is that if we will be
humble and repent he will show His power to us and we will</b> <b>come to know him. </b>This knowledge isn’t free. There is a price to know God.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I know is that this is true. I have been hearing God say for years, “Hold
on I’ll get you there.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I know now better, is that He is all power, all wisdom,
all understanding and merciful. He knows
a lot more than I do. And I also know
he is very, very patient. I’m sad he has
had to exercise so much patience with me and it has taken me such a long time
to stop asking why, and just decide it doesn’t matter. Gratitude is the step that has gotten me
through the pain to the other side. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I choose faith and trust.
With all my heart I choose God.
When I feel a question forming, I just lay it aside and think, it doesn’t
matter, I choose God, I want to live by faith and I don’t care about anything
else. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One more scripture that I feel is perfect when talking about
gratitude is, Alma 26, 29…..if you
should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to
possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you and
has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace
one with another--- I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created
you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you
breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even
supporting you from one moment to another-I say, if ye should serve him with
all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I really feel is no matter how much confusion, darkness
or trial there is in life, if we will be humble and create a grateful heart
inside, we will be closer to heaven, see more clearly, recognize the miracles
and realize we are unprofitable servants as we become more intimately acquainted
with God. Depending on what we go through it may take time to get here, but it's the best feeling in the world to be on the other side, back to simple faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-23673577013817733242016-12-24T16:51:00.001-08:002016-12-25T22:45:56.785-08:00Back to Hope<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to hope. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love this title, “Back to Hope.” It’s the most beautiful Christmas message I
could give. Christ’s entire role was,
and is, to give hope; hope to a world, to families and to individuals. My journey to understanding the hope Christ
offers has been intense the last few years.
“Back to Hope”, implies a loss of hope and that is regrettably something
that I went through last year, and something I constantly work at keeping this
year. For this Christmas message of hope
I need to lay some ground work. I will
do that on speed dial.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never fully understood hope when it was taught in our
Sunday School class when I was young. I
remember thinking, “I don’t get this, why do we even need to teach this. We all have hope; it’s just a part of life.” I didn’t understand than how vital hope is to
a happy, satisfying life and that hope really can be lost. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About 2 years ago, when we still had about 6 months left on
our mission, so many things in our family were going wrong. We found out the reason Nathan was struggling
so much was because of drugs. Jordan was
coming home from his mission because his back pain and anxiety had gotten to a
debilitating level. Meghan and Mitch
were not happy living in our basement and wanted to move out, leaving us with
no one to take care of our house or yard.
Ryan’s job couldn’t work with his class schedule during his last year of
school so he had to quit his job when he was newly married and just had his first
child. And, our basement flooded!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It sounds weird to have all of those things happening at the
same time and that’s exactly how we felt, “This is weird!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regrettably, I started telling myself a story. I tried to get rid of it, but the little
whisper kept coming into my mind over and over, “God won’t bless <i>Us</i>.”
It sounds like such a simple statement, no big deal. But it lead to such a feeling of hopelessness. I fought against the feelings
constantly. I was on my knees
constantly. But the story kept coming into
my mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some of the problems worked out. Our basement was miraculously healed of mold
and water damage. (I wrote about that
miracle and this time on the mission in an earlier post titled, God: “I’m here,
hold on, you’re going to be ok.”). We
decided to rent the basement and with that money was able to hire Ryan to do
yard work so we were able to give him a job.
The move for Mitch and Meghan turned out to be an amazing blessing for
them. But the struggles Na and Jo were
having were just scratching the surface and the situation got brutal for us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that, “man does not comprehend all that God comprehends”. So, I put my trust in the Lord and kept
working while we were serving. I found a
prayer that really helped and I prayed it literally 10 times a day, “Please
help me see the blessings.” Again, such
a simple statement, but it really helped me so much. In the mist of huge trials I had my eyes
opened to the little blessings that were there.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Health to Jordan and Nathan wasn’t miraculously restored. But, I literally saw miracles that helped us
help them. (I would like to write about
those miracles someday, but not today. But I will mention one miracle we saw
over and over): <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Lord worked through us on our mission in a way we couldn’t
deny. When you’re strong and things go well, it’s easy to think, it’s you. But when you’re weak and things go well, you
know, it’s all Him. Our lives were falling
down around us and yet, whenever the time came to speak, train or teach we
would literally feel a calm come over us and words and thoughts come into our
minds and a literal power come into our bodies and minds that left no doubt for
us that we were just vessels for the Lord to do His work. I would often get done with some talk or
training and look to heaven and think, “Wow Lord, you did great, that was
awesome!” Then I would quietly whisper
my thanks, because I absolutely knew it wasn’t me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Lord took over and in a very real way made our mission
His. I couldn’t bear a strong enough testimony
of the Lord’s power to help us do His work, or a strong enough testimony of his
mercy and kindness to us when we aren’t quite up to the task at hand, even
though we would like to be. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though the Lord
got us through the mission, when we came home it all got worse. (I’ll just keep it short and say that.) <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I struggled with that little voice whispering, “God won’t
bless US.” I also struggled with
thoughts of, “Why, Why, Why.” Why was
Nathan born gay? What a hard thing to
live with. Why was he given that? Why does Jordan have anxiety and depression
that is rocking his whole world? Why did
Don develop health problems days after coming home? Why couldn’t we find a project or a full time
job? Lots of little whys went along with
those big whys. (I have a very strong
testimony that “why” questions take us away from God. They are a barrier between us and Him.) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I humbly admit I was in a bad way. I prayed, I served at the MTC, we went to the
temple, I read my scriptures, I focused on pulling our family back together, and
I still felt such a feeling of loss and hopelessness. I discovered how vital hope is in feeling
happiness, motivation, and a sense of well-being. Hope is everything! It really drives us and you never know that
more profoundly than when you don’t have it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though my world was upside down and me with it, I didn’t
lose my desire to pray. I knew God
was the answer. I just had to figure out
how to let him help me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My journey back to hope was foundational and
built in layers. It did not happen all at once.
I had to learn, get rid of hardness and be patient. As I prayed
I could hear the spirit of God whisper, “Hold on, I’ll get you there”, when I
would ask the “why” questions. When I
would feel the struggle of serving at the MTC it was, “I know what you need, more
than you know what you need.” With the
questions about Nathan and Jordan I heard, “Respect each person’s journey. This
is not about you. Trust me.” When I felt, “This plan stinks! I can’t wait until this pain and suffering is
over. Why did I ever agree to this?!” I
felt God say to me, “This pain and suffering will help you understand a little
of your Savior’s pain and suffering and others pain also.” When I would go to that dark place of, “how is
this ever going to be ok. How am I ever
going to feel happiness, peace or joy again?”
The spirit would whisper, “It will be ok. You’ll be ok.
Everything will be ok in the end.”
Man, I would reject that one fast.
I couldn’t hold on to that. How
could anything ever be ok again? My
heart was so heavy, I couldn’t really hold on to any of these spiritual
messages for very long. I couldn’t keep
them in my heart. But I kept hearing
them and I kept praying and I kept holding on and trying to stay with him. I prayed, I read, I served, I repented, and
gradually I started to work; work on moving forward and not just staying afloat.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My journey to hope and faith and strength and motivation and
energy and power in God’s strength and healing is so multi-faceted:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was discovering gratitude for what’s been given. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was purging and repenting of any kind of negativity
towards myself, others and God. The refiner’s
fire is such a painful experience but so amazing too. When you are in survival mode you can’t hide
things you didn’t even know you were hiding.
Every negative, dark thing inside of you has to come up and out. Then the Savior can take it away and you’re
left with a better version of self. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was becoming humble enough to see things in a more
eternal perspective: God really will wipe every tear, make all things fair in
the end, and turn all things too good for those who love him. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was letting the “whys” rest. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was coming to a place of recognition of untrue stories I
was telling myself that kept me from coming to God and truly turning to Him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was choosing to stay with Him; to keep listening to Him,
holding on to his promises and whisperings the best I could. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, it was working, accomplishing and creating energy every
day by focusing on the little successes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still don’t know the answers, but I know God knows. I trust my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus
Christ and the Holy Spirit. They know
and so I don’t need too. That is true
trust. I feel like I am on a tight rope,
balancing, moving forward slowly, totally focused on God who stands straight
ahead of me, across the space. I can
feel that if I look to the side or down I lose my way instantly. If I think of why this was given to us, I
fall. Or, if I think of how will this
ever work out or be fair, I fall. If I
think of the “what ifs”, I fall. By,
fall, I mean I feel discouraged, depressed, anxious, worried, doubtful, etc. I fall to the thoughts born of the adversary,
the world and my own natural man. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I know and have felt over and over that when I focus on God and trust in his perfect
knowledge and plan I move forward with happiness and peace. When I am able to focus on God and His messages of
hope, I live. I have energy. <br />
<br />
Christ makes it possible to not just survive,
but thrive. I know this is true. I feel whole.
I feel confident and not worried.
That’s amazing. It’s like a
miracle……<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so full of hope now. I can’t tell you what a miracle that is.
Nothing has changed. Not one thing is
different. But God has done a work in my
life to change me. I know we can all feel
strong, confident, hope and peace because of Christ. He is hope.
His message is hope. I trust that because of
Him we will receive mercy in this life and in the next. Things really will be ok.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our journeys are individual.
They can be amazingly hard and painful.
But the Lord will bring us to love, faith and knowledge of Him if we let
Him. I know He truly is the way. I encourage
staying with God. Try gratitude, humility,
listening, repenting, and trusting. Lay
to rest the whys, what ifs and how’s. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder Uchtdorf said in October Conference, “We will not only
be satisfied with the judgment of God; we will also be astonished and
overwhelmed by His infinite grace, mercy, generosity, and love for us, His
children.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The most beautiful Christmas message I could give is that He
lives. If we will pay attention to what
is keeping us from God, and get rid of that, He will do a work in our lives
that is a miracle. He can change our
heart, He can strengthen us, and He can give us peace. Our beautiful Savior, saves. <o:p></o:p></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-5653724946104819752016-11-27T15:56:00.001-08:002016-11-27T15:56:28.440-08:00My path to deeper faith.<div class="MsoNormal">
At our mission reunion a few months ago I wanted to share a
message. I didn’t really feel like it
went very well though. It was a big group, we were outside, and there was some
other distractions going on. What I
really wanted to communicate was something about faith that is deeper than I
have ever understood before. It’s
personal and important to me so I thought I would write it to you in hopes that
you will read it and understand. To
make it as meaningful to you as I would like it to be, (because I think the
message is important), I need to be honest about what we’ve been going through.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am realizing in my life I secretly thought everything
would always work out; like even though you know life is full of struggles and
trials my secret heart had a plan that went something like: all my kids would
be physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy, get good grades, go to
college, and get married and have kids.
I thought we would always be financially blessed and have a job. I thought we would be physically healthy and
always be able to fix anything that came our way. You know, the usually stuff, right?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t think we know anything really until we experience it
for ourselves. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never thought I would have a gay son who would become addicted
to meth. I never thought I would have
another son have depression and anxiety so bad that he would feel abandoned by
God and us and leave the church. I never
thought Don’s health would deteriorate within days of us returning home from
our mission. I never thought my mother would die weeks after returning home
from our mission. And I never considered
it would be so hard to find full time work after coming home from our mission.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been in a world of hurt and in a refiner’s fire that
seems to have been going on for years now. It felt like we were in the frying pan on our
mission as we dealt with a lot of it while we were serving, but then we jumped
right into the fire when we got home. I didn’t even care what I was supposed to be
learning from all of it for almost the first year after returning home. My energy was in surviving and holding on,
certainly not in learning anything from it.
But in the last 6 months I have adjusted a little and have been seeking
after what the Lord wants me to gain from all of this life stuff; to bring
meaning to it all. So here it is:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel I’ve been learning a layer of submission to God’s
will that is very deep and requires a great amount of faith and trust. I haven’t been pleased about it, perfect at
it, or graceful through it. I think I
have screamed, cried, begged, blamed, and even withdrawn through it all. This layer of submission has required a price
from me that I could never have understand in those easier days when I prayed,
“Thy will be done” and “Please help me be what I need to be to live with thee
again.” In the very deepest times of my
sorrow I couldn’t even believe I ever prayed stuff like that. I obviously had no idea what kind of price
that would entail. I certainly know I
didn’t have the slightest understanding of what I was raising my hand to and
shouting about when I wanted to come down to earth and experience all these
things for myself. But here I am experiencing what I asked for.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I was doing good at being good, obedient, serving,
loving and trusting. But as I look back even that was easy, when things were
easy. But what I’m coming to understand
is there is a different level of obedience, serving, loving and trusting
required when things aren’t going well.
It’s a refiners fire to trust when prayers don’t seem to be answered, obedient
when expected blessings don’t happen, serving when everything you’ve worked and
sacrificed for falls apart, and loving when loved ones who are free to choose,
chose something so opposite than what you stand for.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think God has been trying to teach me a different layer of
understanding of His plan and His will. I read a book by Neil A. Maxwell called <u>“Not
My Will, But Thine”, (The Christ like path of submission to God’s will).</u> He
said something that hit me so hard, “Faith is strongest when it is without
illusion”. This speaks to my very heart
and soul. He says in these few words
what I would try to say in volumes and still not speak very well about. It seems to me my whole life is being wrapped
around this principle. “Faith is
strongest when it is without illusion.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think my faith was kind of naïve before. It’s easy to have faith when prayers are
answered, you can see blessings, things fall into place like you think they
will. Looking back I kind of think I
have been in a bubble my whole life. Prayers were answered, things turned out,
stuff fell into place, problems were solved, I thought something and it seemed
like I could make it happen. Yes, I had
trials and challenges, definitely. But I
faced them, worked on them, prayed for help, and got through them, and learned
stuff along the way. Elder Maxwell calls
that kind of life, K-12, lessons and experiences. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, “We undergo
afflictions such as are common to man”.
That was what I think I was living; afflictions that were common to man. But Elder Maxwell says, “God will
deliberately give us further lessons and experience which take us beyond the
curriculum common to man and on into uncommon graduate studies or even
post-doctoral discipleship. These trials
are often the most difficult to bear.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel like that! I
am not in elementary school anymore. I
hope this is post-doctoral work in my life though and it won’t get any
worse! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hold on tight because, if “Faith is strongest when it is
without illusion” then we can know that is what the Lord wants to take us all
too. Faith without illusion.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So my message to you is this: Faith is not in a certain
outcome happening in your life. Faith is
not in people, things, events or blessings.
You may not get married. Will you
still be faithful? You may not get that
certain job. Will you still
believe? You may not be able to have
children, your parents or siblings may die, your health may fail. You’re belief in a God who loves you cannot
be based on those things happening in your life! He does love you. He is real and knows you. But He won’t always babysit you through
life. He won’t always make it easy to
believe.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My testimony has become this and this only: My Faith and
Hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ that all things will work together for good to
those that love Him. I am learning that
that is the sure foundation. Any other
faith will fail. You will be tossed to
and fro if your faith is on something happening in your life the way you think
it should happen. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My message is: You can trust Him. You must trust Him. He is the way for all things to work for your
good, no matter what you go through. Hold
on, He will get you there. If you will
ask and Listen, He will speak and you can receive guidance and direction that
will get you back to peace, strength, confidence, happiness. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder Maxwell says it like this, “We submit to God because He
is God. We may safely and rationally do
so because He is perfect-perfect in the attributes of love, mercy, justice,
knowledge, patience and so forth.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think the path to faith without illusion can be
devastating, heart breaking and full of anguish as to what is happening to us
and around us. But we can still know
that God loves us, we can communicate with him, and he has given us a Savior and
the Holy Spirit that will help us in all things. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What we become will be the evidence that we were, “willing
to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon the children
of men, even as a child doth submit to his father: (Mos 3:19) <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t been able to write in this blog for 16
months. I have had a block against it. It has had something to do with surviving, no
energy, no desire, nothing to say and my old pal, fear. But I have learned so much along this
journey. I believe the Lord with all my heart.
I know that I believe Him. He has
told me a thousand times in the last 3 years, “Hold on, I’ll get you
there.” And He has. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing in my situation has changed. At least nothing on the
outside has changed. But I have changed. I’m not surviving anymore. I’m good.
Life is so good. I’ve actually
learned a lot. And He has done that. I can finally hold on to the whispering in my
heart that says, “It will all be ok in the end.” That is exactly what Christ’s promise is:
With Him we won’t have to suffer as He suffered, His chastisement will bring us
peace, and with His stripes we are healed.
I’m not saying it is always easy.
I would never say that. But I’m
saying, “If you will hold on He will get you to peace, understanding and
healing. And that is everything.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-22376491020573057732015-07-24T20:14:00.002-07:002015-07-24T20:14:34.426-07:00Me, My Mother and the Mission<div class="MsoNormal">
I have received a huge blessing from Heavenly Father. My mother lived to see me come home from my
mission and I was able to care for her before she died. I felt the Lords hand blessing me intimately
and personally during the 21 days I took care of her. Each moment, each bit of service I felt was
so sacred and such a gift. It was
exactly what I had prayed for. It wasn’t
easy, but I knew every day was a gift God was personally giving me as evidence
of His knowledge of me and my mother. I
missed out on being here to help her in the last year of her life after she was
diagnosed with lung cancer, when she really needed me. But I felt the Lord prolonged her life and
granted my desire to be able to care for her, at least a little while before she
died. That was exactly what I prayed for
and exactly what was granted. I want to
write about me, my mother and the mission and bear testimony of the reality of
our Heavenly Fathers hand that grants blessings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Around March of last year my mother was diagnosed with stage
4 lung cancer. If she did all the chemotherapy
they wanted her to have she would have 1 to 2 years to live. After just 4 treatments she decided she would
rather die with good quality of life than continue on with those sickening
treatments. She went on Hospice in June
of last year with the expectation of 6 months to live. Being on a mission and only having seen her
once in the two previous years, this was particularly devastating for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started praying continuously for the blessing of my mother
living until I got home and that I would have some time to care for her before
she died. She prayed for herself to live
until I got home also, (I don’t think she ever thought of me or anyone else
caring for her though, she would not want anyone to have to care for her!) She faced her cancer head on with a positive
strength that it would not beat her until she was ready to go. She would always say she was good when asked,
and keep working and moving as if nothing were wrong. She cared for my ailing father for nine more
months, made large amounts of food to feed the neighborhood, kept running her
own errands and driving everywhere as if nothing was going to get her
down. She wouldn’t even entertain
thoughts that she wasn’t going to make it until I got home. She told her hospice nurse she really didn’t
believe that she had cancer, she just felt too good.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In Nov of last year she told the hospice people she was
going to live until July when I would be home.
The hospice people said, “Sure Lucy, whatever you say,” while inside
they were thinking no way is that going to happen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A month before we
were to leave our mission my mother started to decline to the point of not
being able to care for herself. She went
to live with my sister, Teresa who promptly fell and fractured her pelvis in
four places. Then my good brother-in-law,
John, who was trying to care for both Teresa and mom, injured his knee and had
to have surgery on it. Eventually I decided
I needed to go home 11 days early from the mission and care for my mom and give
my desperate family a break. When I got
there I met Janine, her hospice nurse, she said, “It gives me goose-bumps
Melonie that you’re actually standing here and your mom is still alive. It’s a miracle. She kept telling us it was going to happen,
but we never believed it. Her prayers
have been answered.” I cared for my mom
for 4 days and then went back to finish our last week of our three year service
in the WA Spokane Mission.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don and I finished our last week in the mission and came
home together three weeks ago. Leaving a
mission is not easy, but we felt as the last week approached that we were
done. A feeling settled over us that we
were finished and it was time for us to go. I knew my mother was declining rapidly and I
felt anxious to get home as we finished up that week and readied the mission
for the Dymocks to take over.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Within hours of arriving home we moved into my mother’s
condo and took over full-time care of her.
She was so grateful to be able to come home. She was so positive and
grateful for anything that was done for her.
The last thing my mom ever wanted was to be a burden. She would say, “I am so sorry you have to
take care of me.” But what I felt and
expressed to her was that I had prayed for this. This was a blessing. Every day, every moment of care for her, for
me, was a sacred blessing from God. God
was showing His hand to me every day of the 3 weeks I cared for her. I can’t explain it very well, but I felt the
time was sacred, a partnership between me, God and her. It was hard, but it was
a prayer that was being granted by a loving Heavenly Father. God knew me, and I felt every day he was
telling me He knew me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I have learned through this last year is that there are
many things we pray for that can’t be granted.
When I pray for things that involve someone else’s free agency God can’t
grant those prayers. He can send people
to influence or angels to minister, but he protects others free agency with the
utmost respect. He wants to bless us and will at every opportunity though. He
is eager to do so. God does not
begrudgingly grant tender mercies, he is not hesitant or indecisive in his
willingness to be merciful. His anger is
slow and hard to be released, and his mercy functions on a hair trigger. “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and
gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love” (Exodus 34:6)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I watched my mother’s body fail her I felt I was offering
a consecrated service to care for her at such a vulnerable time. As I watched her spirit try to disconnect
from her body I gained a new perspective on how death is the last work we do in
this life. It was a labor she was performing;
work and labor was what kept coming to my mind as she struggled to die. But
just like birth, when there is a beautiful baby at the end of labor, I know there
is also a beautiful gift at the end of the labor of death, which is amazing peace
and rest from the cares of this life. I
know when she walked through that door she was free, her work was finished. She had performed her work here on the earth
and returned home. It was such a
blessing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I saw my mother filled with gratitude, love and kindness as
she faced death. She was extremely
graceful as she looked at cancer and her passing. I didn’t receive every blessing I wanted on
my mission. But I received so many that my heart is full. I can see.
I know. His love and life are a
reality. I love my Heavenly Father, my
Savior Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit and all that they offer us, just to
help us. They are not here to be a
burden, but to lift, love, bless and give, if we will but receive what they
offer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
President J. Reuben Clark, Jr., testified: “You know, I
believe that the Lord will help us. I believe if we go to him, he will give us
wisdom, if we are living righteously. I believe he will answer our prayers. I
believe that our Heavenly Father wants to save every one of his children. I do
not think he intends to shut any of us off because of some slight
transgression, some slight failure to observe some rule or regulation. There
are the great elementals that we must observe, but he is not going to be
captious about the lesser things. I believe
that his juridical concept of his dealings with his children could be expressed
in this way: I believe that in his justice and mercy, he will give us the
maximum reward for our acts, give us all that he can give, and in the reverse,
I believe that he will impose upon us the minimum penalty which it is possible
for him to impose.” </div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-79256784750585645212015-07-01T00:20:00.000-07:002015-07-01T00:23:18.255-07:00My last day, my last sharing, and my last testimony as a missionary.<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning I woke up and had a tremendous sense of
gratitude fill my heart. It would be the
last day I would spend in the mission home.
I thought about how many times I have lain in this bed in the early
morning hours and had spiritual insight given to me in dramatic ways: trainings
clearly come into my mind that I would be giving that day, things to say to
help missionaries, and insights into my own struggles that were amazing answers
to prayer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So many memories were flooding my mind this morning and
every one of them I remember feeling the Lord was showing himself to me because
He loves His missionaries, love me, and needed me to be able to do my job with
his blessing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How many times have I rolled over in the morning and prayed
in this room and felt light given, knowledge imparted and strength granted so I
could get up and go. How many times have
I laid there and looked up at the ceiling and thought of all the things I’m so
grateful for, or cried about something. And how many times have I come to this room, exhausted
and just been so glad to get into the bed and give it all to the Lord and
rest. As I thought about it all this
morning I thought about all the Dymocks will go through in this room, and all
the mission presidents past who have prayed, wept, and called down the powers
of heaven to help them in this bedroom. I felt kind of like all of those experiences
were showing themselves to me and I felt so grateful. </div>
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I feel this is a sacred home. I can just imagine 30 years of spiritual
light being shed on the mission presidents in various ways. The Lord truly has revealed himself to me in
this house, especially in the living room.
So many testimonies have been born in the living room: departing
missionaries full of strength and confidence as they have finished their
service and felt the Lord’s gratitude, and incoming missionaries who have born
humble testimonies who have been full of trepidation and exhaustion. It is such
a sacred house. I’m so grateful for all the
spiritual experiences that have happened here for the last 30 years and for all
that the Dymocks will experience in the future. And now we are leaving. My heart is so full of love and gratitude for
the Lord and all he does to help us when we try to serve him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The last post I shared was what my last training was when we
had, “Muffins with the Mullens”. But we
also gave the missionaries our, “last advice.” I thought about what I would
leave them with. I felt I had shared my
heart and mind with them completely, so what could I possible say. I decided to try to summarize what I have
learned on my mission. This is knowledge that goes deep into my heart and I thought
it would be the best thing to share.
Here it is:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First: You can’t see the way the Lord sees. You just can’t. You’re not as good as he is. You don’t understand the way he thinks and
you don’t have the perspective he possesses.
You aren’t capable of seeing, understanding and knowing all that God
does. Just accept that and trust
him. That is my first bit of advice, <b>just trust in the Lord.</b> He knows, sees and understands better than
you. He is aware of you and He does have
a plan. Just decide you’ll trust him even
though you don’t see the plan, and then you don’t have to worry about
everything else.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next is <b>repent.</b> I don’t mean just repent for sin. Repentance is for anything you need it to be that
takes you away from the spirit. It’s allowing
the atonement to work in your life to change you. Repent of needing to be the center of attention,
to be seen of man, needing your own way, to be right, for fear, hardness,
bitterness and even worry. You can
repent of all of it and give it to Christ. It means change every day from what
the natural man pulls you too.</div>
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I don’t think of, “I do so much and Christ does the rest.” I think of Christ and I as a team, joined at
the hip. He is the strong, best, part of
us. It’s not fair, but I hand him all of
that pull of the natural man I go through during the day. That pull to be: negative, critical,
prideful, fearful, etc. I give it to him,
hand it to him, slide it over to him, and ask for his atoning blood to be
applied in my life. He is the strong,
capable, good, part of us. I just accept
that I am the weak link, and let him have all that is trying to get at my heart
that may defile me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I live with Christ like this; wanting to constantly
change to be in line with God, then I become empty of myself. God can’t do a lot with me if I am so full of
myself. I have to get out of the way for him to be able to do anything with me.
That change; called repentance, empties
us of ourselves so we can create a place for God. When we are empty of our expectations, our fear,
need to be valued, our judgments, our irritation, anger, and needing things our
way, then we have made a space for him.</div>
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Then the third thing to do is wait. <b>Wait
on the Lord</b>. He can’t give you
everything at once. Not because of him
but because of you. You learn line upon
line. He will give you layers of
understanding as you stay soft and open creating a place for him, and then
wait. The first layer may just be the
whispering of, “hold on, stay with me, I’ll get you there.” The next spiritual whispering may be pray to
see blessings. Then what may come to you
is another layer of something that you need to repent of to stay soft and open.
The next thing he may teach you is to be
grateful and think and pray with gratitude in your heart. After you’ve worked on that for a while you
may receive the layer of stop seeing through the world’s eyes and valuing the
things of the world. Then you may come
to accept the Lord’s will and just value what he has given and feel grateful
for all He has done for you. And then
when your finally there, you’re at peace, he gives you the answer, the healing,
the clam comfort. And you know it’s
going to be ok, it will all work out in the end, that’s when you’ve changed in a
sacred way. This kind of change is hard
fought and it is absolutely sacred.
Sacred because of the price paid and the work the God head has done for
you to receive it.</div>
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When your there, at peace, knowledge, and strength, then you’ve
had the mysteries of God unfolded to you.
He has revealed himself to you and then you’ve bonded yourself to
him. You see more like He sees, you
understand a little more like He understands, and you know more of what He
knows. You’ve allowed Him to reveal
himself to you and you’re bonded to Him.
What a beautiful process He allows.
It takes spiritual work on our part and His. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So Trust in the Lord, Repent, and Wait. Pay attention while
he teaches you in layers and gets you where he wants you to go. This is the gospel of Christ. My testimony is God lives. I don’t need to know everything I just need
to Trust, Repent and Wait while He does his work in my life. I am deeply grateful for all he has allowed
to happen to me, to our missionaries, to our converts and to our members in the
Washington Spokane Mission over the last 3 years. Love to you all. </div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-73062841595605775072015-06-28T23:05:00.001-07:002015-06-28T23:05:17.000-07:00My last training with the missionaries<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not a runner, but I run.
I don’t run well, I even joke that some people can walk as fast as I
run. I use to only walk though, so I
feel good that I can run at all. About
11 years ago is when I decided I wanted to get better at running and started
working on it. I started slow, (walk/running),
around the square block by our house. I
got better and better and after 3 months I could kind of make it without
stopping; kind of. </div>
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<br /></div>
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One Saturday morning my daughter Meghan who was around 15 at
the time, said she would go running with me.
So we headed out and I noticed she was better at running her first day
and could go faster and farther without stopping than I could. What an eye
opening experience for me. I commented
to her about this and she said the most profound thing, “Mom, you just have to
decide to run.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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This phrase went through me and I have thought about it many
times since. When I get tired and want
to stop, not just running but anything, I say to myself, “Melonie, you just
have to decide to______.” Decide to:…. run, get up, have faith, trust God, eat
healthy, study in the morning, let it go, that you can do it. Something about this phrase speaks to
me. When I say it to myself it gives me
mental strength to do it. This phrase
has helped me dig deep and exercise discipline many times in the last 11 years.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We just finished our last training with the
missionaries. I decided for the last
doctrine training I would teach here on the mission I would talk about
something Sister R asked Elder Clayton when he came to our mission a few weeks
ago. She asked, “How does someone
develop better self-mastery?” This is a
fantastic question for not only this young generation but for everyone living
in our world of instant gratification. It
seems it is the foundational principle for every other doctrine we have ever
trained on, so I decided we should look at it more in depth. </div>
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<br /></div>
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We have had 12 different discussions with 12 different zones
over the last 2 weeks as we have gone around to say good-bye to the
missionaries, answer questions and talk about the transition of receiving a new
mission president. In my training we
have talked about how self mastery is our spirits having control, power and
dominion over, not just our actions, but our thoughts. We have talked about the reason why it is
important- that we need to be able to abide the law and become that person who
can live with God again. Self Mastery
over the natural, fallen man inside of us and giving our will to God is the key
to this process. Then we had many
interesting discussions on how to do this.
</div>
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<br /></div>
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Two things have stuck in my mind as we have shared over the
last few days:</div>
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ONE- Everything is a decision. It’s just like what Meghan said to
me, you just have to decide. Recognizing
everything I feel, think, do and become helps me see that my life is my own and
I am the master of my fate, the captain of my ship. Even coasting and just treading water is a
decision. Faith is a decision. Love is a decision. Hope, trust, forgiveness and mercy are all
decisions. Sleeping in, getting to bed
late, eating dessert, not exercising, and even being mad or offended are all
decisions. Elder Maxwell said, “You
better want what you want because you’re going to get it.” I love that.
I decide if I will run, hate, be angry, speak kindly, judge another,
save my money, pay my debts,love, etc.
We are constantly making decisions.
When we have the vision to see into the future of what we want to be,
have, and do and make decisions and choices that will get us to that place that
is self discipline. I think of it as
being “firm of mind”.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve seen this in missionaries lives. I have seen most missionaries decide they
could work hard, train well, lead in righteousness and love others. I have seen amazing progress that feels like
exponential growth in most missionary’s lives.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But the opposite is also true. We’ve seen a few missionaries, very few, never
really reach the potential we see inside them. Even at the end of their mission they are
still saying, “I can’t, it’s too hard, I’m not able.” They have still
progressed and grown, and they are good young men, but they just can’t quite
see what we see inside of them. I feel they just are not able to see clearly
their divine potential and just decide they can do it. They just never quite get there. I want to just shake them and say you are so
much better than you think you are, you are capable, you just have to decide
you can do it. Then I realize they are
deciding. They are making a decision
that they can’t, won’t, or are not able.
(These few are not missionaries who have depression or anxiety.)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When E. Clayton came to our mission he shared the scripture,
2 Ne 2:26…men are free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves
and not to be acted upon.. He said, “This means, you are not a Kleenex box; an inanimate
object sitting there with no choice, only to be acted upon.” I love that. You are not a Kleenex box,
suffering through whatever happens to you. We don’t live our life on accident, even when
we do nothing and the day just rolls over us with no purpose. We still chose that. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We can live our life with purpose, on purpose. When we’re mad it’s because we want to be mad. When were hurt and can’t forgive it’s because
we want to be hurt and not forgive, more than we want to be free and happy. We get what we want. We can or can’t do what we decide we can or
can’t do. Recognizing and accepting this
brings a tremendous amount of power to us.
Because then we come to accountability with acceptance and
responsibility.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
TWO-The other thing that really stuck in my mind from our discussion
is that how we feel about our sacrifices determines our staying power of
discipline. If a child wants to learn to
snowboard they come up with a plan instinctively. They want a season pass, they arrange for
driving, they figure out how to get equipment, they want to spend the time
driving, and love the work of practicing to get better. Desire and motivation increase the ability to
be self disciplined.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To me this means having a vision of what I want to become,
obtain and achieve and loving the sacrifice or work to get there means I’ll do
it. If I want a college education and
see the vision of what that will do for me I don’t mind saving money and going
without that nice car, new clothes or full price movie. If I want to be physically fit more than I
want dessert and to sit around relaxing then I’ll love to eat healthy and
exercise. If I really want to be a
scriptorium I love spending time studying.
If these are just dreams that sound great but in the moment we hate
saving, eating healthy and studying we will never have the staying power to
make those dreams a reality. If we tell ourselves
how much we hate something, how we don’t want to do it and how hard it is, we
will never keep trying, working and making the sacrifice. But if we love our sacrifice we have
tremendous staying power.</div>
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<br /></div>
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THREE-Ok, (you know me), I
just want to add one more thing a missionary talked about that stuck in my
mind. He shared something his dad taught
him. Most of us have heard the analogy
to teach about choice and consequence of when we pick up a stick we pick up
both ends, one end is the action, the other end is the consequence, for good or
bad. When you pick up the stick you pick
up both ends, you don’t get one without the other. When we choose an action or thought we also
pick up the consequence that goes with that action or thought. Well this missionary made the comment about the
way his dad taught him about choice. He
taught him to never think of the action when making a choice, but only think
about the consequence you’re choosing.
When you pick up the stick don’t look at the end of what you’re doing,
look at the end of what you’re going to get.
What a wonderful thing to teach- Look, see clearly what you’re picking
up, and then decide if you want to do it.
How would that change our life if we always made choices based on what
the consequence was going to be.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know self mastery is the foundation of purity, virtue,
education, financial stability, spirituality, confidence, conversion, great
work ethic, integrity, patience, etc. We
just have to have it to achieve anything meaningful. We need to be the kids who can wait for the marshmallow
so we can get something better later. We can’t serve God and mammon. I know it is through Christ, Jesus that we
can be more than conquerors. He is our
anchor, our hope, to be more than ourselves.
We are not alone in the fight. He
gives strength and second chances. I’m
really glad for that second chance. We
get to practice because of our beautiful savior, and it gets easier and easier when we do.</div>
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</div>
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<br /></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-69102913078698219542015-06-20T00:03:00.000-07:002015-06-20T00:03:13.247-07:00A journey to happiness<div class="MsoNormal">
We are right in the
middle of saying goodbye to all the missionaries. We are visiting each zone one by one, giving
a last training, our words of council and advice, having a question and answer
time and then talking about the transition of getting a new mission president. We are calling it, “Muffins with the Mullens”,
because then we are eating some really delicious muffins to end our last
training.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
President Mullen is giving his last doctrine training on
choosing to be happy. I have had so many
layers of learning about happiness this last 3 years. I don’t think I’ve written about it before,
(I can’t believe it, but I’ve looked and looked and can’t see that I’ve written
any of my experiences about this), so I’m going to start at the beginning and
write a little of my process of learning about happiness and how that works
with the Lord.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I came on this mission I was very happy. Within a few months I noticed I was feeling
more weighed down and burdened. I was
studying and came across the saying by Joseph Smith, “Happiness is the object
and design of our existence.” I thought
a lot about this. Really? Why am I feeling so weighed down then,
especially when I’m trying to do so many good things? What am I missing? </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That week a scripture also popped into my mind, 2 Ne 2:25,
Men are that they might have joy.
Really? Is that true? I know I’ve thought about life as needing to
progress, learn, grow, change and become perfected so that I can live with
God. How does happiness play into
that? I reasoned that all learning,
growing, progressing and becoming perfected is to live with God again so that
we can be happy. It doesn’t sound like
we are just working in this life so we can be happy in the next, we are
actually meant to be happy in this life.
I wondered, how do I find joy in all this work and duty?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I had this little spiritual epiphany in church that week. I was sitting down and looked over at the
sweet little Baer family. I looked right
at their little girl, who was about 2 years old at the time, and she had the
most sweet, loving, trusting look on her face.
She looked absolutely burden less, carefree and perfectly happy. The thought came to me, “we are to become
like little children.” God wants us to
be as happy and joyful as those sweet little children. They looked so free and burden less. It hit me.
God wants me to be like that. That
is why He has provided a Savior. So I can feel like that now. I knew I needed to use the atonement and cast
my burden on His care; not be so weighed down with thoughts of there is so much
to do, am I getting it all done, and is it all good enough.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to pray after church and immediately went into my old
routine thinking, “What do I need to do, what should I have done, didn’t do,
etc. I thought, “No, God doesn’t want me
to just do my duty, work hard, be responsible, fulfill my calling and
obligations. He wants me to be happy, he
actually cares how I feel. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt so different as this sunk into my heart. I learned so much about God in that moment,
about love and about my own parenting pattern. If I really believe God loves me
then I can know he doesn’t just care about what I do, but how I feel. That means He feels merciful when I can’t
give anymore, forgiving when I am weak and understanding when I didn’t get it
all done. HE loves me, I’m not earning his love by the things I’m doing. He is kind. Most of you are probably
thinking, duh, well of course to all of that.
But me and my personality had a huge ah ha moment. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I saw a DVD about Christ at a baptism we went to later
in the week. I saw Christ accept the
pain and pressure of the atonement, and wondered if He was happy in that moment,
it seemed so hard and painful; not a joyous moment. But I remember Pres Holland saying Heavenly
Father and Jesus Christ wanted to perform the atonement for us. It made Christ joyous to achieve and perform
His Father’s will and His own foreordination.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few months later I was reading 3 Ne 11:37,38 while the
sacrament was being passed. It is the
verses about becoming a little child….repent and become as a little child. It was so ironic that I was sitting in front
of the Baer children. I could hear them
humming and singing softly as the bread was being passed. It was the most beautiful, spiritual
moment. These beautiful children, who
were so free and happy were singing and humming during the sacrament. It was so sweet. That is what the sacrament does for us. The thought struck me, I’ve always thought of
this scripture as saying become like a child: teachable, humble, forgiving,
easily entreated, and believing. But in
that moment I realized we are to become like that so that we can be happy. A child comes clean and free, loving himself,
loving others and expecting everyone to love them. God wants us to be like that.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok this may be long, but one more story and then my point
about Don’s training. This also happened
early on in our mission. It was a transfer
weekend and that Saturday was so busy. I
worked out and got ready quickly, because the week had been so busy I hadn’t
done any of the cooking or shopping yet.
I went shopping for 2 ½ hours, (it reminds me of cooking and shopping
for youth conference every 6 weeks), hurried home after picking up Don from the
office and cooked with Helen for 4 ½ hours.
Then I worked on the Spokane Word, (the mission newsletter), made
dinner, prepared my talk for stake conference and went to speak there, came
home to finish the newsletter and sent it to Sister Dean, counseled a sister
missionary on the phone for about 40 minutes, made sure my numbers were right
for housing for the departing and incoming missionaries and then found myself
folding a load of whites at 11pm I was trying to get done before Sunday
hit. The thought came to me that I hadn’t
read my scriptures yet. AGG!! I thought, “I’ve been serving God all day,
surely I’ve done enough and I don’t now need to read my scriptures too. It will be ok to miss a day.” I heard these words in my mind, something I
had never thought of before, “Melonie, now it is my turn to bless you for all you
have done. Reading scriptures is not
something you do for me, it is what you do so I can bless you, give to you,
fill you, strengthen you and speak to you.” “If you don’t read it is ok, it is
your choice, I don’t condemn you, I just can’t bless you.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It hit me. This is
true. So many times I’ve thought of things
like scriptures, temple attendance, prayer, etc. as things I do for God to be
crossed off the list; one more thing to do, and hope he’ll bless me for it. But the Lord was teaching me, this is a
misperception; I don’t do these things to be obedient so he will bless me,
doing these things are the blessing: he will enlighten me while I’m reading,
speak words that will help me, give me feelings of strength, knowledge I didn’t
have before while I’m reading, etc. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It reminded me of a testimony that a friend Liz gave years
earlier in a sacrament meeting. She
spoke of receiving promptings to write a nice note, visit a friend, help a
neighbor, or some other kind act. She
felt guilty when she hadn’t obeyed the promptings because she was so busy. She had the spirit teach her one day that the
Lord wasn’t berating her for not obeying those promptings, she had just missed
out on the blessing of that warm memory, strengthened relationship, increased feelings
of love or the increased confidence that obeying promptings brings. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This testimony was so powerful to me because I’m always one
to turn things into a job, duty, responsibility and work. In that moment I understood a little more
about how God is trying to bless us. He
prompts us to do things so we will be blessed.
It’s just a little twist but it made a huge profound difference for
me. In my mind I had been working to serve
the Lord and cross those things off the list so that He would be happy with me. In reality he prompts me to do those things
for me, not for Him. He wants me to be
happy, he wants to bless me, not just have me work.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok now fast forward a year and a half to yesterday and one
more thought about happiness. In President Mullen’s training he was talking
about Happiness is the design of our existence.
There are eternal laws, and all commandments and principles God gives to
us is to be happy and reconciled to Him and obedience to these laws. Commandments, prayer, scriptures, faith,
principles of self discipline, sacrifice, and forgiveness, are all principles
that when lived by we will be reconciled to God and it will be happiness. They are for us, not for God. God does nothing except for the benefit of
the world. Everything is to bring us to
happiness. The only true happiness is to
be reconciled to God because everything he asks is for our good; for our
happiness.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
When we fight against God, His commandments and His will, we
just fight against our own happiness. I
have seen captions of stories in the media that are so accusing against anyone
who believes in Christian values. These
people are haters against anyone who would say there is good, right, and correct
behavior. They say people who profess
belief in values are bigots, hypocrites, judging and intolerant. But the very behavior they are attacking,
they are exhibiting, times 10. It makes
me kind of laugh/cry inside. How can
someone be so old in age and be so totally
self unaware-when they are so intolerant as they scream about intolerance,
judging as they rant about being judged, hateful as they spew out hate. It’s just weird how blind haters can be to
their own behavior. They hate and fight all in the name of a worldly good. It is so ironic to me. What they are fighting against is the very
thing that would bring love, peace and happiness to their lives. </div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok I lied, one more thought about happiness, I really want
to say two more things but I know I may be rambling now. This is it.
I haven’t been too happy at the thought of going home. It’s kind of overwhelming. We have to face a lot of things back home
that are not easy. But I have thought to
myself that God will make us happy when we get there, because it is His will
that we finish here and go home. So I’ve
just tried not to think about it; a great technique, and trust the Lord that we
will be happy when we get there. But
yesterday as I was thinking about God and his desire for us to be happy I
thought about our situation going back home of: moving, what to do with our
house, looking for a job, caring for the health of my parents, and putting our
family back together. It occurred to me
that the Lord wants me to be happy. I
said the words, “I’m happy to be going home and I’m happy to be in the situation
we are in.” As I said it I actually felt
that way for a minute. The spirit did a work on my heart and I felt a godly
perspective of it’s good to look for a job and be empty nesters with a great,
big huge house. I couldn’t go any
further than that. But I thought, I just
need to change my mind. I know with God
I can be happy. I’m going to really work on this in the next two weeks and see
what the Lord can do with me.</div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-60311664738746204272015-06-18T23:25:00.002-07:002015-06-20T00:04:03.477-07:00Learning and the heart.<div class="MsoNormal">
We are ending our mission.
How weird! It just seems so
surreal. I want to write more than usual in the next two weeks to share some of
the ending experiences we are having. Here is one about learning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think the Lord is prompting many people to be very kind
and generous to us. We have always felt
very loved and accepted on this mission. But here at the end, more than usual, stake
members and missionaries are telling us that they love us, what a difference
we’ve made and how much they will miss us.
It has been touching for us. I
think these people are like little angels sent by the Lord to spread love and
help us know that it has all been worth it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I really appreciate those in our stakes who have expressed
that what was said or taught touched or changed them, but I always feel a
little uncomfortable too. The reason why
is because I know learning is a very personal thing between the Lord and the
heart of the listener. I never know how
to respond. I think teaching is also a
very personal thing between the Lord and the heart of the teacher. I try really hard to focus on the Lord
before, during and after I speak. I try
to focus on people’s needs and what the Lord wants said and then after if the
Lord is pleased with what I said, but not if the congregation thought it was
good. This helps me not feel nervous
about speaking or anxious about what I said.
Focusing on the Lord and not how people view me, has saved me in this
assignment. I’m grateful when I feel the
Lord is pleased.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what I wanted to write about is learning, not
teaching. Here are a few observations.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A funny experience: A
new sister missionary came up to me after a training and said, “Sister Mullen
everything you say is like gold to me.”
I thought about that later and wished I would have pin pointed to her
the deeper truth of that statement. I
wish I would have said, “The spirit teaches you because you have a soft heart
and open mind. When you listen and are
focused, humble, teachable, soft and open, that is when the magic occurs. That is when gold happens to your learning,
it has nothing to do with me.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now the funny part: The exact same training I asked another older,
more experienced, sister missionary, “What did you learn today?” She said, “I am sorry Sister Mullen, I feel
so bad, I just wasn’t present here today.
I really didn’t get anything out of it.
I was kicked out of an investigators house yesterday and I just couldn’t
focus today.” We talked and laughed
about missionary work being bi-polar; you have these incredible highs and some
really bad lows and it can all happen within hours of each other!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that is really true and I have had the same thing happen
to me. I have stood up from a meeting
and my husband has said, “Wow that was the best talk”, and I realize I didn’t hear
a thing that was said. I feel I missed
out and I want a re-do, but I don’t get one.
My heart and mind were not present to learn.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The point is that sometimes we think our learning is based
on how someone else teaches. When we
learn something really good that touches our hearts we feel so much gratitude
and go to the teacher and tell them how great it was. In reality I wonder if most thanks just goes
to the spirit and the heart of the listener. The spirit absolutely taught, and
touched when the heart has been changed!
All good things come from
Christ. That really is true. “Why call
the teacher good, there is none who is good except God.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One more funny thing: There has been quite a few times when
missionaries will say, “When Sister Mullen taught…….. I learned……..” What is so funny is I will look over at Don
and think, “I never said that.” Now it
could just be I’m in the night and can’t remember stuff. But I really think, “No, I said something
kind of like that but it got changed from my mouth to your heart.” I’m an innocent by standard in the process. This has happened so much it’s become funny to
me. When people start a sentence with,
“When Sister Mullen said…….” My eyes get
big and I just kind of wonder what they are going to say. The important point is that this is evidence that
the way things are said can be changed so that little precious spiritual
moments can happen. The information needed is spiritually changed so that when
they hear it, it is exactly what they needed for that magic to occur and then
gold happens. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is this important?
For me it is important because I love to learn and I have had some great
teachers in my life. Steve Robinson was
a gospel doctrine teacher in our ward when I was newly married, starting my
family, and he taught me so powerfully.
I loved that man!! What an
amazing teacher. He motivated me to read
the scriptures and love them. It was the
first time in my life that I loved gospel doctrine more than relief society. He opened my eyes and got me to actually
think. I had a beloved stake president
Dan Judd. He taught me so much. I still think of the way he taught and things
I learned from him. I remember specific
things he said and the way he said them because they were “tags” in my
brain. That is how powerfully he spoke
to me. He opened his mouth and I felt
the spirit. He spoke and it went
straight to my heart. I love him! But I remind myself, it’s feeling the spirit that I love. It’s not the men themselves. Even when I listen to Elder Bednar, Pres
Uchtdorf and Elder Holland, who are master teachers in my book, I remind
myself, its God I love and His holy spirit. That is what I’m loving. I think it is ok for me to love them too, but
I just always remind myself that it’s God and his holy spirit that I love; the teacher is
just the vehicle to the real thing that is good.</div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-90152122237131708692015-06-14T19:05:00.002-07:002015-06-14T19:05:36.877-07:00The heavens are open and God is speaking.<div class="MsoNormal">
The Book of Mormon has saved me so many times on this
mission. When I have needed help with a
missionary, a training, a child, or some spiritual question, the perfect
sentence or verse has touched me and given me the spiritual knowledge that I
needed so badly right at that moment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For doctrine at zone conference a few weeks ago we decided
that we would let the missionaries share spiritual experiences they have had with
the Book of Mormon. What an amazing
experience we had! We heard powerful
witness of the Savior, the power of faith and love, and spiritual experiences
they have had with God speaking to them through the Book of Mormon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Book of Mormon is true and living scripture that is a
vehicle for God to speak to us. I have learned that there are layers of truth
to be had for anyone who will study and live by it’s teachings. The Book of Mormon
doesn’t just teach about righteousness and it’s blessings in a way that
enriches and enlarges the soul, but teaches about wickedness and evil in a
powerful, warning voice. I took pages of notes as I wrote down each day
the spiritual experiences missionaries shared from specific versus from the
Book of Mormon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are a few:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister V – “My family are not members. I wanted to go on a mission but my stake
president said I wasn’t ready, that it is hard to serve a mission. He said I had to: 1. Not
go to any dances, (I love to dance and be social). 2. Go without my phone; no talking or
texting. 3. Not have any boyfriends. All
of these things were very hard for me to quit but I stopped all of them. The stake president then said I needed to
study the Book of Mormon. As I was
reading I kept feeling if I wanted to be a missionary then I needed to invite
my mom to read the Book of Mormon too.
This was so scary for me. But I
finally did it and my mom started reading the Book. When I left Tonga to go on my mission my
family was very sad. As I was leaving my
mother gave me a piece of paper when I got on the airplane I read it, it was
this verse and has been my favorite ever since.
1 Ne 2:10 – <b>O that thou mightiest
be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast and immovable in keeping the
commandments of the Lord!</b> I knew this was my mother’s prayer for me that
she had found as she was reading. I love the Book of Mormon and I love my mom.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder F – “I found being in Moscow was very difficult. College kids were really making me mad. I was feeling like they were looking down on
me with a kind of derogatory attitude. It
was really getting to me. I was reading
in 1 Ne 8:30-33 and knew I was paying too much attention to the people in the
great and spacious building. It’s
discouraging when the finger of scorn is being pointed towards you!! The world will point the finger of scorn at
those who are partaking of the fruit. But
those who are strong and focused will heed them not. Since then I have had the strength to not pay
attention. I know I need to choose where
to put my focus<b><i>. Heed them not</i></b> -is
powerful words in my life.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister H – “I have had a hard family life. I wasn’t raised in the best of
circumstances. When I started to prepare
to come on a mission I felt everything was going wrong. My family was being attacked by hard things. I started to waiver and wondered if I should
still go. I read 3 Ne 5:13<b>- <i>I
am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
I have been called of him to declare his word among his people, that
they might have everlasting life</i></b>. I knew I was meant to serve. Now every time I am having a hard time I think
of this verse and I feel strong.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister E – “I was having such a hard time when I first came
out on my mission. My family wasn’t
emailing me and I felt so alone. I felt
I wasn’t a good missionary either, everything was so new. I felt so small and worthless. I read, 1 Ne 21:15, 16 <i>– <b>For can a woman forget her
sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget
thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have
graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me</b></i>. I knew the Lord hadn’t forgotten me. Christ will never forget me. I remind myself of that often.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister S – “I have heard so many people say various things
against the church while I’ve been serving.
I felt my faith wavering one day.
I read this and knew this was for me.
Jacob 7:5 – <b><i>And he had hope to shake me from the faith, notwithstanding the many
revelations and the many things which I had seen concerning these things; for I
truly had seen angels, and they had ministered unto me. And also, I had heard the voice of the Lord
speaking unto me in very word, from time to time; wherefore, I could not be
shaken.</i></b> This was me. I knew God was telling me to remember, and in
doing so I have felt I cannot be shaken. I remember God, his goodness to me and
all that I have seen, heard and felt.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder J – “I was feeling a lot of opposition in my
missionary work. I started thinking
about why do some get so upset, and why do I get offended and angry when they
do? I came across this scripture, 1 Ne
1: 19,20 – <b><i>And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him because of the things
which he testified of them; for he truly
testified of their wickedness and their abominations; and he testified that the
things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, manifested
plainly of the coming of a Messiah, and also the redemption of the world. And when the Jews heard these things they
were angry with him; yea, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast
out and stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take
it away. But behold I Nephi, will show
unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath
chosen, because of their faith, to make
them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
</i></b>When I read this I knew pride is what keeps us from accepting Christ,
correction and change. I knew I had to
protect my own humility as well. To be a
true disciple of Christ I have to be humble.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder B – I haven’t always been able to stand up and have a
voice. There have been many times in my
life when I have just followed the crowd.
I wanted to change but didn’t know how to do it. When I was really seeking for an answer of
how to change I found this, Hel 3:34&35 – <b><i>And they were lifted up in pride,
even to the persecution of many of their brethren. Now this was a great evil, which did cause
the more humble part of the people to suffer great persecutions, and to wade
through much affliction. Nevertheless they
did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and
firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy
and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their
hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto
God</i></b>. I knew I needed to fast and pray and yield my heart to God. He could change me then I could be brave and
firm. I have seen it happening in my
life as I have done it.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder T – “I come from a very violent community and have
seen some bad things happen in my life.
I’ve been wondering a lot about why bad things happen to good people. Why am I serving the Lord and all this bad
stuff happens to my family and other people who I love? I came across this verse and it hit me in a
way I hadn’t thought of before. Mos
24:14 <b><i>– And I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even
you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this
will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know
of a surety that I, the lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions</i></b>. I know because of this that God’s promise is whatever
we are going through he will help us and we can strand strong with Him by our
side. I know when I need God and I receive
His help, then I come to know him better than I knew him before.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister R – “I have wanted to learn and understand the
atonement better while I’ve been serving.
I feel I know information about it but lack true understanding. I was
giving a training in MLC and came across this scripture. 3 Ne 17:7 – <b><i>Have ye any that are sick among
you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt,
or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are
afflicted in any manner? Bring them
hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are
filled with mercy.</i></b> What hit me
so hard was the word, ANY. I hold on to
all my stuff. I don’t feel worthy. But I felt this verse was speaking to
me. EVERYONE is afflicted. I along with everyone else need a
savior. That is why he is our savior. All can be healed, me included. He feels mercy and compassion for ME!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder M – “I appreciate the small characters in the Book of
Mormon. One is in Alma 23:14 – <b><i>And the
Amalekites were not converted, <u>save only one</u>; neither were any of the
Amulonites; but they did harden their hearts.
</i></b>The Amalekites and the Amulonites are the most hardened people of
the Book of Mormon. Yet one believed and
was converted. It’s easy to join when
everyone is there with you and you have support, but this unnamed Zoramite
converted on his own. I know I need to
be like this unnamed man; strong enough to stand alone when none other stand. I want to be one.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elder C – “It’s hard to work and work and not see much come
of it. But when I read this I had a spiritual
understanding hit me. Words of Mormon: 7
– <b><i>And
I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the
workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the
Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according
to his will. </i></b> I realize I don’t
know everyone, but God does. And what
God expects of me is to follow him and do his will. That is all I need to know. He will work in their lives and it’s not for
me to say what that work should look like.”</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well this is getting long so I better quit. But I hope you can feel the wonderful spirit
of our missionaries and the way God is teaching and speaking to them. He lives and is working with each one of us
to bring us back to him. He wants to
communicate with us and that is why he has given us the beautiful gifts of
prayer and scriptures. I am so thankful
for every spiritual blessing that has come into my life by reading and
pondering the Book of Mormon. I am so
thankful for the personal work he is doing in every one of our missionaries
lives.</div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-79737063744747285722015-05-24T20:47:00.001-07:002015-05-24T20:47:08.782-07:00Learning to approach the alter of His grace with gratitude for my part and portion.<div class="MsoNormal">
I have written about being able to see and recognize blessings
in previous blogs. I am learning a new
layer about gratitude now though that is changing my life. I thought I knew about this before my mission,
but I think I am learning this layer of gratitude on a whole new level. I am learning to not just be grateful for
blessings, but to actually be accepting and grateful for who I am and what I
can give with the Lords help. I know
that sounds weird to us women, (and men too); to actually be accepting and
grateful for who we are and what we can give. But I hope I can share what I am learning
in such a way as to give this amazing treasure to you.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I expressed in my last blog that I stopped writing for a
time because I felt like the pain and loss I was experiencing left me with
nothing to write about. I had lost
hope. I was letting despair and doubt
get to me. I started studying hope and
the change inside of me was amazing. But
there was something else there too. I
started to pay attention to what started it, what made me lose my peace in the
first place. It was a subtle thing I
hadn’t even realized was causing a loss of the spirit. I discovered what my problem was and where it
started.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A month or so ago the reality of going home had hit me and I
filled my mind with of all the things I wish we had done, what I wish we could
have accomplished, what I wish would have happened, questions of did we do
enough, work hard enough, and had we really accomplished all the Lord had in
mind for us. I kept repenting over and
over, thinking of everything we could have, should have, or would have done, when
I prayed. A lot of it was things I didn’t
even have control over, but I just felt so bad I kept talking to the Lord about
it, filling my heart and mind with the negative. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to just laugh at myself because I think of how many departing
missionaries have come to council with me about this very thing and I have had all
the answers: “You’ve done a great job, look at what you did do and not what you
didn’t do, your mission isn’t the end of your life, you are an unfinished
project and your mission is not the end of your progress, and let God’s love
and gratitude into your heart and know He is pleased.” Yet here I am at the end, and I am doing the
exact same thing! It makes me just laugh at myself. I really wonder if the Lord puts me through
these things on purpose so I can understand, love and teach better as I learn
for myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway it’s weird, but this is why I’ve been struggling so
much. I kept coming to prayer with this feeling of wishing and wanting this
perfect mission and feeling so much regret. I was filling myself with a weight and burden
that was exhausting to bear. Wow. When am I ever going to completely learn that
I am not perfect, things are not perfect, life isn’t perfect and people aren’t perfect? I know it in my mind and I think I am ok with
it but then I have another experience like this and realize I’m still doing
it. I just want everything to be good,
true, right, strong, brave, done, and prepared.
(Notice I didn’t put down clean and pretty, I don’t have those two
tendencies, regrettably<span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span>).
But this is how the adversary got to me and it made me vulnerable to the other
hard things going on, weakening my strength.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then we had new missionary training two weeks ago and my inspired
husband again came up with doctrine he wanted to do for the training that was
perfect for me. We studied 2 talks about
gratitude and discussed them with the new missionary’s at their training. Pres
Monson shared a story about George and the oil lamps vs. electricity. Something in the story touched me
deeply. That night I came to prayer just
thinking about all the Lord had given to us and decided to only express
gratitude for it. I felt so different. I can’t even express the magnitude of change I
felt. It was huge. I felt the spirit so strongly and felt my
Heavenly Fathers love so powerfully, just by thinking and opening up myself to
the good we had done. Pres Monson in his
talk said giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also
unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love. I experienced that for myself instantly and
knew it was true. I recognized I wasn’t looking at all we had
accomplished, what did happen, the spirit we felt, the good we did, all the
people we had talked to and seeds we had planted. I was just looking at the
lack. I have literally trained or talked
about not doing this at least a million times to missionaries in the last 3
years. Yet I was doing it. It has drained me, worn me out and caused deep unhappiness
inside of me during those weeks. Those
feelings made me susceptible to the other negative things creeping in. I asked the Lord about it and realized I wasn’t
grateful for all He had given, I was just wishing for more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was praying this thought struck me: “Melonie, there is always more to do, you’ve
never done it all, been it all, accomplished it all, or become it all. You know it in your mind, but you do not
really understand or believe it in your heart. There are a hundred things you
could do on a mission, but you are only going to be able to do 50. Are you going to chose to look at the 50
things you did do, or the 50 things you didn’t? Your life will always be like
this; so much you can see that could be done, but not possible to do it all, so
accept what you can do and be grateful!
And then apply the atonement to all those other things. You have a savior to cover all the rest.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It shot into my heart that it was pride that caused me to
look at the 50 things we didn’t do. I
know the Lord has blessed us with so much on this mission. I remember every training walking away
feeling that it was good and the Lord had made a great work happen. So many conversations with missionaries that helped
them and I felt the Lord had blessed me to know things to ask and things to say
that made a huge difference. The Lord
had blessed me with love so that I could be patient when I was exhausted, or
keep going when I was drained. I knew
it, but I was pushing it away, like it wasn’t enough for me. I think because of pride, I wanted more. It makes me cry to think that I was looking
past all He had done for us and was only thinking of what didn’t happen. How prideful of me to negate all that the
Lord had given. I didn’t even realize while
I was repenting of all we hadn’t done that I should have been repenting of not
accepting what the Lord had allowed. What I learned in my heart was that I need to
be humble and thank the lord for what we did accomplish, the spirit we had, the
great trainings we gave, the ways we did help, and the work that did go
forth. And stop worrying if it was good
enough. That is just pride. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, every day I approach the alter of His grace with gratitude
in my heart. I feel so amazing. I am so grateful for this wonderful
experience. I am so grateful for all He
allowed us to do. I feel so accepting of
who we are and what we did. That is huge for me! I am profoundly grateful for this learning. Every
time I start to feel those feelings come back during the day, of: “we should have
done this, why didn’t we do that, why didn’t we know this in the beginning, I
wish I was….” I stop myself and offer a prayer of gratitude for what the Lord
helped us do, made us into, inspired us to say, strengthened us to accomplish,
and the opportunity to work with Him through it all. I have
this feeling that this was His mission and we are His. He allowed us to do a part and a portion with
Him. I am so changed as I feel grateful for
the portion and feel I don’t need any more.
I’m good.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel this is a principle for life no matter what the
circumstance. It is humbling to be
accepting. I have never understood
before that gratitude is humility. I
want to keep acceptance of what the Lord grants, gives and His timing in it all, and not need more, as part of my life forever. I really do feel it has opened the windows of heaven and I can feel God’s
love as I work to invite gratitude and acceptance into my heart all day long through prayer. I love this gospel and I love the Lord. He is so good. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Go here to listen to Pres. Monson’s talk:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng">https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Go here to listen to Pres Uchtdorf’s talk:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng">https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng</a></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
prayrepentloverepeathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00432547663115708101noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6611450123763963288.post-50837459436208442232015-05-17T16:41:00.005-07:002015-05-17T16:42:58.971-07:00Hope changes everything<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember growing up and having lessons on hope. I never could get it. I specifically remember feeling so much
frustration that I couldn’t quite get it.
It seemed so obvious to me it was like, DUH, why are we talking about
this; people breathe we don’t need to be taught to breathe, why are we being
taught about hope? I think as a child I
had so much hope I couldn’t quite understand why we talked about it or what we
were suppose to learn about it. It was
such a part of life for me. It is ironic
to me that learning about hope now in my life is probably one of the most
profound learning experiences of my life.
Let me explain a little.</div>
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I am not really sure where to start. My purpose in writing this blog is to bring
others closer to Christ, by sharing my own experiences of coming closer to
Christ myself. Sometimes when you’re in
the midst of a hard trial it’s not very enlightening or edifying to hear
someone talk about it! So I have not
felt able to write anything. I feel so
sad that I didn’t write the first 2 years of our mission when we were in a
little spiritual bubble, protected from the cares of the world, and felt so
filled and full of the spirit constantly. I had so much I could have written
about. It would have been easier and
less vulnerable for me. But I am doing
it now so I have to be grateful for what I am doing and not wishing for something
else. But the contrast is HUGE. Life now feels like we are being hit from all
sides and I feel vulnerable and exposed when writing because of all we are
going through. But I still feel
compelled to write, so I’ll keep trying.</div>
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The reality of life can be hard and painful and it hurts to
face trial and pain without the spirit’s healing power, buffering strength or
calm assurance. I have learned so much
about how investigators feel, missionary’s feel and God’s children feel when
they face things on their own without the power of God being carried by the
spirit to help them. </div>
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I think sometimes God carries us and I think sometimes we
are allowed to feel the full force of life being thrown at us. I don’t know if it’s God’s way of teaching us
so sometimes he retreats, or if we do it to ourselves by drawing away from Him because
of pain and hurt. I suspect when I am in
the middle of it I think God has abandoned me, but when I get humble, repent,
and ask God to change my heart, I can see that I allowed fear, doubt,
negativity, and pain to take me away from God.
I do know opposition teaches a lot. You know I love the doctrine of opposition, 2
Nephi 2: Feeling the difference teaches. </div>
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So I have been having my ups and downs. Someday I have felt carried and lifted, and
some days it hits me and I can’t seem to get past the pain. I won’t go into a lot of details but it has
to do with going home, facing our yard after 3 years of renters, moving,
finances, the reality of job hunting when were old, my mom and dad’s health,
and Nathan and Jordan’s painful experiences.
Coming out on this mission was a real change of life in every way, but
it wasn’t hard, it felt like so much meaning and purpose being led to that
point in our lives. Going home is
changing our life in every way, but it feels like it’s more picking up the
pieces of our life. Not quite so
meaningful. We are so happy to re-new
relationships with family and friends and that will be a bright spot.</div>
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So I tried to make that short, hope that was ok to express. But now I want to share how the doctrine of
hope has changed me and is helping me get past my fear and pain. I was feeling really strong for about a month,
a while ago. I thought the Lord had
gotten me through; I had learned some fantastic things and felt the spirit in
my heart confirm that everything would be fine in the end. Then I let some little negative thinking in,
some fear in, some doubt and confusion in.
I found myself at rock bottom almost instantly. It think when you’re
kind of fragile any little negative things can pull the rug out from under
you. Like: “I can’t see the way God
sees, I can’t see how our prayers were answered, I can’t see blessings, I can’t
see how this can turn to our profit and learning”. These little negative thoughts can open the flood
gates. I can’t really express the pain, I just know I had no idea how painful
pain could be until this last year of my life.
I feel so much more compassion for others pain now. </div>
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Anyway my good and inspired husband wanted to teach the doctrine
of hope for MLC at the beginning of the month.
I read the talk he wanted us to teach from. It was inspiring. Then I listened to it while I followed along
with the words. It hit my heart
powerfully. We taught it and I was
changed completely. I studied it again
the next day and felt even more inspired.
Then I read it again 2 days ago so I could record some of the points in
my study journal. I have never felt more
changed by a talk in my life. I am so
grateful for Elder Uchtdorf and his amazing inspiration. </div>
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Also I studied Alma 58:10,11. And understood faith and hope are gifts that
the Lord blesses us when we pray for it.
He can speak peace to our souls and that is what He has done for me. I feel at peace. I can quiet my mind and trust my heart that
everything will be ok and work out. Once
again I feel He has strengthened me and I feel I can have courage and hope for
the future no matter what it is. Going
toward God is always the right answer!</div>
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Here are some of the things I learned about hope:</div>
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HOPE is an Infinite Power.
Infinite means without limit or boundary. So hopes power is without limit or
boundary. <b>Hope has the power to change our attitude, outlook, perspective,
thoughts, and feelings</b>. Hope works against the natural man inside of us.</div>
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Faith overcomes fear, Hope overcomes despair. We must overcome the temptation to lose
hope. (I have never thought about losing
hope as a temptation. But it is. It is what the natural man pulls at us to
do.)</div>
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<b>Hope leads to peace,
mercy, rejoicing and gladness</b>. Hope
is the foundation of faith; an anchor to our souls. Doubt and despair lead to the temptation to lose
hope. Despair binds hearts and minds in
darkness. Despair drains us of vibrance,
joy and leaves us empty! Despair kills
ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul and deadens the heart. It’s so true, despair kills everything, hope
brings life.</div>
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Hope encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the
loving care of Heavenly Father. Hope is the
abiding trust that God will fulfill promises.
<b>It is believing and expecting our
prayers to be answered. It is manifest
in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance</b>. I know that is so true. Hope brings patience to bear afflictions. Hope brings joy. </div>
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No matter how bleak this chapter in our life is, we may hope
and be assured the book’s ending will exceed our grandest expectations because
of Christ.</div>
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Everyone will go through discouragement and difficulty and the
darkness can seem unbearable- but <b>divine
gospel principles we hope in can uphold us until we walk in the light again.</b></div>
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True hope is centered in: 1. Jesus Christ. 2. The goodness of God. 3. Manifestations of the Holy Spirit. 4. Knowledge that prayers are heard and
answered. When we don’t have hope in
these 4 things life can be filled with darkness and despair. Hope is a choice! We can believe and trust in these 4 things,
or not. When we do it changes
everything. That is my testimony.</div>
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<b>In times of distress
we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for our good</b>.”</div>
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Faith, Hope and Charity are like a 3 legged stool. Disobedience, disappointments and procrastination
erode faith. Hope upholds faith. (I thought a lot about why he said
procrastination erodes hope. I think it’s
because faith leads to hope, hope leads to action, and action leads to personal
knowledge and witness of the truthfulness of the thing you had faith in. It’s like a circle. Procrastination is inactivity so no witness
is gained and hope is distinguished.)</div>
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Frustration and impatience challenges charity, but hope
braces our resolve and urges us to love without expectation of reward. The brighter our hope the greater our
faith. The stronger our hope, the purer
our charity.</div>
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Here is Elder Uchtdorf’s talk in a link. Listen to it, it is so good. Print a copy of it and mark it up as you
follow along. There are so many good
things in it: </div>
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https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-infinite-power-of-hope?lang=eng</div>
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Love You.</div>
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