Self as Others. It's a life changing way of seeing your world.

I recently went to a 3-day seminar where true leadership was part of the training.  For me to really grasp the content it took hours, if not days.  Then I have had to live with myself for weeks to really recognize how these insights apply to my life.  Since I am really slow and stubborn, and you’re not, I believe that sharing this bit of understanding in a page is going to be super effective for you!

Is this typical or what:

You’re in the back and wished you had that great “spot” in the front?  

Feeling frustrated because people ask questions about “dumb stuff that isn’t even important, and now you’re wasting time on unimportant stuff!”? 

What about being with a group of friends or co-workers and you’re totally unaware of what’s going on in their lives or how they are doing?

Or, gone to Zumba and realized that….. “Gee I have been doing Zumba in this Monday class off and on for 2 years with you all and I don’t even know one of your names?” 

Not to mention thinking your way is best so, “what in the world are YOU thinking!”

And, “Man that driver is so stupid, pulling in front of me and slowing down.”

Also that general feeling of irritation over waiting for someone, listening to someone, having to watch someone, driving someone or anything else you didn’t want to do for someone.

And could we go on?  Yes!

It’s all kind of laughable.  I can see us all running around in our fast, spontaneous, over achieving little world, yelling about all of these ways others are putting us out.  “How dare you make me wait for a few seconds because you pulled in front of me and it cost me one second of my time, I had to actually touch my brake.”  “How dare you talk to that person in line ahead of me and slow your ability to check me out faster.”  ETC.!

It’s typical.  And if you just pay attention for a few days, you’ll notice even more stinky stuff that has to do with how you relate to the people in your 5 foot circle world.

(If you’re saying, “No, not me”, pay attention.  You may change your mind.)

I am not just bringing this up to pain us or laugh at us, I actually have learned something about this I am dying to give away, and it’s that wonderful.

It all started last Friday, (actually I wrote this weeks ago but refuse to do anymore editing), when I was in my first day of the Landmark seminar.  The forum leader started talking right off the bat about how, “We are the group.” (I was a deer in the head light thinking, what does that even mean, we are the group?  It’s not even good grammar.  He talked about it for an hour and I still felt the same way about it.)  Then he said something about being, “Self as others.” (What in the world does that mean?  And that still is not good grammar!)  Then he talked about, “We are all the same, no matter our language, color of skin, or body type.” (I got that one).  I related it to we are all children of God and so I felt like, Oh yea I got this.  Then he said, “I am you, and you are me”, then I was back to, “I don’t get it”.  He talked this way for quite a while.  Then he started in on true leadership means you effect the group. It’s not just good enough for you to be here, sitting in your chair, all about yourself.  (I was like, I just got here, don’t blame me, I don’t even know these people).  It’s not just enough for you to be about your own learning and state of being, it’s not enough for you to just be glad you filled your assignment, it’s not enough that you’re on time.  It’s all about did you affect the people around you to learn, fulfill assignments and be on time.  True leadership is about you affecting the people around you.  You are not successful until others are successful.  You don’t achieve until others achieve. 

I eventually heard and understood his words, in my mind, and eventually I thought they sounded great too, but I didn’t really understand in my heart enough to go out and start changing the world around me.  I call it head learning; my heart wasn’t transforming but my brain understood the concepts.  “I am you, you are me.”  “We can’t be successful unless all of us are successful.”  “We are the group, you are not just an individual.” Etc. I got it.  But it didn’t mean I started doing anything different.  I still just sat there and listened.

Then he talked about individuals make up partnerships, make up families, make up groups, make up communities, make up societies, make up the world.  It all starts with the individual, to be able to effect any kind of group, community or the world. 

At one point he actually asked me!  “What have you done to show true leadership in this room today?”   I was like, “Who me?  What are you taking about, I am just a little guy, here to listen and learn for myself, don’t bother me with others.  I don’t have the energy for that.  I’m just sittin here minding my own business, leave me alone.” 

Of course I didn’t say all of that, I’m no dummy.  I was just silently thinking it.  Now just stick with me here.

Throughout the next three days the group leader kept going around and asking what we had done to show true leadership that day.  How had we lifted and raised the level of the group. What had we done to make the group more effective, more powerful, and more confident? And he didn’t just talk about it!  He gave us an object lesson that took days.  This is what he did to actually affect change in us:  He wasn’t nice!  He demanded that we were all on time and helping others be on time too, and if we weren’t, we all paid the price.  You could tell he didn’t care if we liked him, and I wasn’t not liking him to much at all.    He wouldn’t teach us anything, (we paid good money and we all wanted to learn and he wouldn’t teach), and then he would go on and on for hours talking about our inability to effect change in our individual lives because we weren’t effecting change in our group.  FOR HOURS!  Oh my gosh!  Hours of confronting us, holding our feet to the fire about what we weren’t doing to help each other.  And it took hours for us to get that we need to be intense with each other; forceful, fighting mad so to speak.  At one point he said, “You Utah people are way too nice, you’re so afraid of being socially correct that you can’t demand anyone change.”  That hurt.

But eventually we got it.  The group became all of us. We demanded everyone to be on time, with assignments done and we all made sure of it.  We got each other’s phone numbers and called each other.  We held everyone accountable to have their assignments done.  By all of us holding each other accountable literally everyone; all 120 participants were 20 min early.  I’ve never seen that before in my life!  We were a nervous wreck if someone was only 10 min early.  We all paid the price if everyone didn’t complete their assignments so we were all texting each other to find out if anyone needed help.  No one left early either.  It was an amazing experience in how true leadership doesn’t back down, holds people accountable, expects integrity in all things, (actually, more like demands integrity) and is bold and direct.   He didn’t care if we liked him, he cared that we changed.  He loved us and wanted our growth more than he wanted us to love him.

I have to admit I am a pleaser, fixer, meet people’s expectations kind of girl, so I caught on real fast that I need to get out of my comfort; “me only”, zone and do what he was asking.  So I went through the motions, doing what he expected. But remember what I said about things take me a long time.  So yea.  I got the specifics of what the expectation of action was, but I was still going through the motions. Essentially I hadn’t changed, I was just performing out of fear. 

Until half way through the last day.  We had been talking for an hour on something I did not want to talk about.  It was frustrating.  A guy kept asking questions that I felt was not important to what was pertinent.  I was not feeling very patient.  It was that, “Quit asking dumb stuff”, kind of attitude.  Then our Forum leader said, “Ok, are we good, everyone got it?  Let’s go on.”  I whispered under my breath, “Thank goodness, were finally going to get on with it.”  My cute little group leader sitting next to me whispered, “Melonie, self as others remember?  If someone in the group needed that and got something out of it, then we all got something out of it.  We are the group.”

Man that shot into my heart like a lazer.  I am the group!  I am no better or worse than anyone else.  If they need it, I need it!  I am just a unit in the whole. And this whole doesn’t lift, raise or increase if even one unit of the whole isn’t lifting, raising or increasing.  If they are successful, I am successful! If they hurt, then I hurt!  I am connected in a fundamental way to everyone around me; equally and completely.  We have a common fundamental thread of humanity.  We are ALL Children of God.  I am the group.  For the first time in my life, I saw myself not as an individual, but as just a part of the whole.  I had a powerful heart change.

So this is the rest of the story:

I woke up Monday morning after the seminar, late for Zumba (as I expressed in my earlier post), and headed off feeling really good.  I was on fire for all the great things I had learned over the weekend. 

As I got to Zumba I felt energy and freedom and so happy to be there.  As I started zumba-ing,  I heard the normal voice inside me saying, “Rats I’m late so I don’t have a front spot.”  (I hate being in the back).  Then I realized from my great training over the weekend, “NO, if she’s in the front, it’s just like you are in the front.”  We are the group. 

Then I heard the normal voice say, “I wish I had a better spot so I could see.”  I reminded myself that if she has a good spot, then I have a good spot.

It changed me so much to actually apply the thing I had learned in my everyday life.  I felt so glad that the girl in the front, had the front, and that the girl right in front of me had a better spot and could see.  I felt amazing.

Then I again realized that it isn’t enough for me to be feeling good.  That’s meaningless.  I have to effect this community and little world around me for good.  “But how am I going to do that?”  How do I take others with me in a Zumba class?  I was brave, this is what I did.  After the next set of songs there was a break in the music.  I actually started turning and yelling with my hands in the air, “We are so amazing!”  I even jumped up and down.  It was a little ridiculous but everyone started laughing and the whole room felt more friendly and energized. 

During the next break, after the next set of songs I started jumping again, (I couldn’t help it I felt so much amazing energy).   I yelled, “We are having the biggest victory, coming to Zumba early on a Monday morning!”  They all started jumping and yelling too.  The energy in the room again increased.  We were all yelling and jumping.  It was great. 

At the end we all were talking about how much fun we had and how great the teacher was.  And I understood.  True leadership means you take people with you.  It’s not enough for you “to be”, you have to help others “to be” also. 

And then the class ended and I looked around and sadly thought to myself, “I have been coming to Zumba off and on for two years now and I don’t even know one of your names.”  That was eye opening.

I realized one more thing.  I have been silently saying to strangers, “You all cost too much energy for me to talk to you.”  So I haven’t been extending myself very well since being home from the mission.  All my energy was going into surviving.  Even when I started feeling better, I think I was sub-consciously protecting my energy and just wouldn’t extend myself. 

But this day was different.  I was different.  I didn’t have to tell myself to do it.  I didn’t have to talk myself into anything.  I wanted to know these women who have been dancing next to me, so I talked to them, I asked them their names. I was unreasonable.  (That’s means I wasn’t doing my normal reasonable that keeps me the same.)  I talked, smiled, extended and it felt great.  It was amazing

Ok so I wrote that about a month ago.  Since then I have tried to become more aware of seeing myself as others, and I have learned a lot. 

My main take-aways are:

When I see others success as my own I feel so amazingly different.  It’s hard to explain, but it changes me instantly.  When someone else’s children are experiencing success, that’s my success.  When someone’s house or yard is clean and beautiful, that’s my success.  When someone else is getting a good education, a great job, a promotion, an award, the best spot, that is all of our success.  We are the group.  We are together.  We are not against each other.  We are not to compare or compete.  That is a barrier.  True leadership elevates others.  God’s way is truly that love that sees us as each other.  Self as Others.  We are the group.

This is the most life changing way of seeing people.

When I see myself as the group I no longer feel mad about the guy who just cut me off and then went slow, or the work and sacrifices I make that I don’t receive credit for, or even scared to write a blog post.  I am just a part in the whole. 

And it’s never enough for me to just be feeling and doing good. My improvement is really unimportant if it doesn’t translate into others improvement too.  True leadership is Godly work.  It means you are not successful if others are not successful.  If I don’t spread energy, confidence, ability, kindness, acceptance, and any other good thing, then it was kind of a waste.   Because it’s not about you, it’s about seeing your place in the whole and then lifting it; the partnership, the family, the group, the community, the society, the world.   You are an individual part in a whole.  What will you do to effect that whole?

I am not perfect at this.  But I love it and I want to continue to invite it to become a part of me.  It’s a beautiful way of being. 

Self as Others.

I am the group.  

Because I say so!

I woke up Monday morning and realized two things. 

Both things came from some training I received over the weekend at a seminar called Landmark. 

The first thing was what my language had done to me in the last twelve hours.  I was late for Zumba, and I had eaten a whole lot of chocolate covered raisins and peanut better pretzels the night before.  Both things I wasn’t too pleased about and they had happened simply because of words I had said to myself.  I said, “Wow you have gotten to bed so late the last three nights you should sleep in and not set your alarm.”  And the night before I said the words, “Wow you haven’t had any sugar for 4 days so you deserve to eat whatever’s available and it’s late and that’s what’s available so you get to eat that.”  I say things and then I have to live with the fallout from them, and then I say more stuff like, “What were you thinking?”  And it all started because I said the words.  I said so, so it was so.

The reason why this is important is because I had an, “ah-ha” moment during the seminar when they were teaching that anything that is real in life is born out of language; not to say it doesn’t exist, but that it becomes real for us through language.  It’s hard to understand, but saying something like, “that is a mountain, a street sign, a ball, etc only makes it so because we have all agreed those words should mean that.”  Even abstract things like I’m cold, hot, hungry, angry, etc is born out of language.  They exist but the actual words used to describe anything has arisen out of language.  Even the story I tell myself from, “what happened”, isn’t really real.  None of it is real.  It only becomes real once we attach language to it to describe it, tell it, and explain it to ourselves.  And when we are unhappy, afraid, or mad, boy do we tell it, over and over again using words we choose to make it real for ourselves. 

You may be thinking, “So what?”  Well, it’s actually very powerful.  I am the author of the words I use.  I “borned” them, or created them, or birthed them, or whatever word you prefer.  I like, “borned”.  And they are just words.  The words themselves don’t mean anything except for the value or symbol I have given to them. 

Something about understanding this has changed me.  They are just words.  “I don’t have enough money”, is just words, “I am tired”, is just words, “I can’t write in my blog, it won’t be good”, is just words.  People, they are just words!  They don’t even mean anything except for what I tell them to mean.  I have had a huge shift in thinking.  This understanding has made change seem so doable and easy.  I am the author of the words I use.  The meaning behind those words only have the power I give them.  They only mean what I create them to mean.

So when I got up and thought about the words I used and what I created because of them it was a powerful moment.  I can change words easily!  In the, “I’m late for Zumba” because I said the words, “It’s ok for me to sleep in”, moment, I decided to say the words, “its ok, I’m going to Zumba anyway”. And I went because I chose some different words.  Yesterday when I had the thought, “I just want to eat a whole lot of ice cream”, I thought, “I know how this works, I’m just going to change the words”, so I said, “I am going to eat a piece of gum, I love gum.”  Because I said it, I did it.  The only thing that is real is what I say is real.

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I wrote that a few days ago and have been paying attention to my language and the meaning I attach to the words ever since, and I have to admit I am struggling.  I want to be powerful in my life where I always do what I know will bring me the greatest meaning, purpose, freedom and confidence.  I have wanted to watch TV and eat an entire half gallon of ice cream all day, just because I set a ton of goals this morning, and ever since I have been STRUGGLING!!  I have been forcing myself to keep going and getting the things done I set out to do and have been practicing saying more powerful words all along the way.  But what a struggle. 

What I have realized from this is that I have a strong way of being that fights against me being different.  I set goals to get the laundry done, clean the house, correct student’s lesson plans, eat healthy, write and post a blog entry.  Not that being busy is out of the ordinary but my state of being is freaking out for some reason.  It must have been the blog post idea.  I can hear the words all day long saying, “you’re tired you should take a nap, wouldn’t it be great to just sit and read a book, you don’t really want to write anything that takes up to much energy, I just want to watch a movie and eat ice cream!” 

Oh my gosh, my state of being is having a huge rebellion and fire hosing me with words of inability and weakness.

I am determined I will prevail!

I will finish correcting my lesson plans tonight and post a blog post tonight!  No matter what!  Because I say so!!!!

HHHMMMMM.  How is that for being in charge of the creation of my own language? 

…………....(So I said I wanted to write about two things but I will write about the other thing tomorrow.  And I will write another post tomorrow, no matter what because I say so!  So there.  That is really kicking my old self in the behind and using different words!)  Love it!!  I feel so much better.  I’m going to push the button now and feel awesome.

Grateful in all things

Gratitude is a form of repentance.

I’ve learned a lot about gratitude the last 4 years.  The things that happened to us surrounding our mission and after coming home have been my continual teacher.  It all started on the mission when so many hard things were happening with our family that I couldn’t see blessings.  I started to pray hard that I could, “Please let me see the blessings.”  Over time I realized I wasn’t necessarily receiving the blessings I wanted, but I was still being blessed; Meghan and Mitch moved out of our basement, but we were able to rent the basement, Ryan had to quit his job to finish his last year of classes which was stressful with a wife and baby, but we were able to give him a job doing yard work with the money we got from rent, Nathan was nose diving and we had no idea why, but we found out it was drugs and got him into a treatment center, we had two boys fall away from the church, but Meghan and Marissa got pregnant and two beautiful baby girls joined our family, etc.

At this time as I tried to focus on the blessings, it was an exercise of my mind to express gratitude and not think of the hard thing that was causing pain or stress.  As I expressed gratitude for blessings I always felt like it was a conduit to heaven.  The minute I started to place myself in a state of thanks I would immediately feel instant heaven.  It taught me a lot.  I was amazed at what gratitude could do to help me feel instantly changed.

Coming home seemed to continue the pattern.  My mother passed away shortly after we got home, but I was able to care for her for 3 weeks, Don developed Parkinson’s, but he is still doing well, I wanted Don to get a normal job or a real estate project, didn’t happen, but we have experienced miracles where our finances are concerned, etc.  Again it was such an exercise of faith for me.  I was in a world of hurt but kept trying to look for the blessings and expressing thanks. 

I can relate to Moroni, when he is talking about Alma’s experience, when they were put under bondage in the wilderness.  Here Alma is going against king Noah and all the other wicked priests and following after Abinadi. He is trying to do what is right, he is sacrificing his safety and comfort to bring others closer to Christ.  You would think God would make it easy and they would be blessed.  But instead they are found and put in bondage. 

Moroni says in Mos 23: 21-23 about Alma’s situation; the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and faith…..yet-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day….for they were brought into bondage and none could deliver them but the Lord….

It tells me that trials are a very specific tool used to help us see and know God.  Think about it.  If everything was easy in our lives, we would never feel the need for a Savior, the gospel, or the need to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer.  Trials put us in a state of vulnerability which makes us a little more tender and open; seeking and searching for understanding, comfort and strength.  It drives us to our knees with more intention and purpose; seeking our Heavenly Fathers assistance.

Times like these give our God a chance to show himself.  We come to know God in our extremities.

In the next chapter Alma himself talks about what God promised them, “…….I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me here after, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”  He is saying, “You will have trials, and if you will stay with me through it, you’ll come out knowing me better and being able to witness of me.

It’s the same way with Ammon.  In Alma 26:35, Ammon is expressing his profound gratitude to God for all those trials and sacrifice they went through on their 15 year mission, “we have suffered all manner of afflictions that we might be the means of saving some souls….” 

Ammon says perfectly what happened to them because they stuck with God, had faith in Him through it all, and were able to see the blessings even though they suffered and everything didn’t make perfect sense; Alma 26:35, now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my god; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.

What I see in that verse is amazing.  They had these trials, they suffered, God saw fit to try their patience, and some of their people even died.  And because of it they came to know their God profoundly; intimately.  So much so that they described him as – “all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being even unto salvation……” but,

It takes humility and repentance to come to that kind of knowledge.

The very same sentence he adds, “….to those who will repent and believe on his name.”

I think it is hard to be humble.  That may just be me, but I think it's hard to be soft and open when your in the middle of trials!  But it is the answer that will solve problems, it brings the ability to hear the answers God is communicating and the willingness to believe and follow those answers.

This is the important part.  Repentance comes from the Greek words: meta=change of form, and noval=mind, knowledge, spirit, breath, (meaning life).    When we change our form to be in a state of gratitude we are actually repenting.  The natural man is never grateful!  The natural man is an enemy to God.  He can’t feel the spirit in his state of seeking the will of his flesh, his way and his expectations.

Gratitude as a state of repentance means change from the natural way.  It is not easy amidst pain, doubt, confusion, and hurt to repent! To be grateful!  Yet what God promises is that if we will be humble and repent he will show His power to us and we will come to know him.  This knowledge isn’t free.  There is a price to know God.

What I know is that this is true.  I have been hearing God say for years, “Hold on I’ll get you there.”

What I know now better, is that He is all power, all wisdom, all understanding and merciful.  He knows a lot more than I do.   And I also know he is very, very patient.  I’m sad he has had to exercise so much patience with me and it has taken me such a long time to stop asking why, and just decide it doesn’t matter.  Gratitude is the step that has gotten me through the pain to the other side. 

I choose faith and trust.  With all my heart I choose God.  When I feel a question forming, I just lay it aside and think, it doesn’t matter, I choose God, I want to live by faith and I don’t care about anything else. 

One more scripture that I feel is perfect when talking about gratitude is,  Alma 26, 29…..if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another--- I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another-I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

What I really feel is no matter how much confusion, darkness or trial there is in life, if we will be humble and create a grateful heart inside, we will be closer to heaven, see more clearly, recognize the miracles and realize we are unprofitable servants as we become more intimately acquainted with God.  Depending on what we go through it may take time to get here, but it's the best feeling in the world to be on the other side, back to simple faith.