I have written blogs, I just never publish them. Writing for me is very revealing. And…Is it that important to reveal my honest,
true self and what I am going through? I don’t know. I don’t think so. If it helped someone then, maybe. So in that hope……
I
tend to think of my life as, before and after. Who and what I was before coming
home from our mission, and who I’ve become after the mission. For a long time
now I have felt disappointed in myself. Like this, “after” girl isn’t as good
as the, “before” girl. I don’t know how
many times I’ve thought to myself in these past years, “What’s wrong with me?”
“I just want to be who I use to be.” “Why
can’t I make myself be that person again?”
I think it has something to do with my physical health or maybe some
emotional health issues, but I’m not sure.
Anyway,
I wish I could. I can’t. I’ve tried. I
can’t. There’s so much I either don’t do, or can’t do. I’m not sure which of
those it is. But I just can’t make
myself do more. I use to just do
whatever popped into my mind that I thought I should be doing. It was so easy. I’m not sure why it’s so hard now. But I know I just can’t be that person
anymore. I hate that I can’t be that
girl.
She
was so great. I liked her so much. I liked how motivated and strong she felt. I
liked how when she was told something she should do at church or in conference,
she just started doing it. Looking back
at her I don’t think she thought it was easy but just thought she could do it
and did.
I
remember at a young age hearing I should write in a journal, so I started doing
that. I heard about going to the temple, so I just started doing that, first
monthly, then bi-monthly, then when all of my kids were in school full-time,
weekly. I knew I should do my visiting teaching every month and fulfill my
callings well, send out Christmas family letters, make Christmas neighbor gifts,
work on scrapbooks, read the classics or other types of learning books, do all
the driving and supporting to make sure my kids are successful, keep my house clean, eat healthy, exercise, and do lots of wholesome recreational
activities, etc., etc. You know what I
mean.
I
just loved that girl. I loved feeling motivated, feeling strong, feeling
capable of working on things. I didn’t even realize I felt that way, it was
just normal.
Being
in a place where I’m not feeling those ways anymore has brought some
realizations into my life. Those are what I want to share:
First
I have felt a lot of guilt and pressure.
I have thought I should just be able to make myself do all things I use
to do. And there is so much guilt and pressure that goes along with a list of
what you feel God wants you to be and do that you just can’t do. It has felt
like weakness to me. And all I’ve thought about for years is wanting to get
back. Now I don’t write in my journal, I
don’t do scrapbooks, I don’t write a Christmas newsletter, I don’t make
neighbor gifts, I don’t write in my blog, I don’t go to the temple every week. I feel so much anxiety just thinking about
those things. If I read a book its fiction non-thinking material. I don’t want to have to learn anything. I could always clean my house more, but I
don’t.
I
don’t mean to say I don’t do anything. I read my scriptures every day and
listen to my podcast that go along with that. I do go to the temple monthly. I
spend time preparing to teach missionary prep at BYU, which I enjoy. And I
still go to church and eat healthy and exercise. But you know what I mean, I’m
just not able to do all the things. And I have felt broken.
But I
am learning something about God coming from a place of weakness that I could
have never learned about Him coming from a place of strength. What I’ve learned
is that God still helps me teach with the sprit at BYU. I still feel his love
and understanding when I pray. (That has felt amazing to me and has been very
eye opening to me.) I still feel the
gifts of the spirit like love, compassion for others and understanding. I still hear his voice. I still have the energy to do some service. I can still feel the spirit. In my super busy, hardworking “before”, life,
I never thought that would be the case. I
think I thought God was a God of “you have to do all the things” to feel his
love and spirit. Amazing to find out
God loves you even when you aren’t the fastest runner.
I’ve
learned that there is a lot of things I felt I should do, that aren’t sins if I’m
not doing them. I woke up one morning in
December and thought I should do a Christmas newsletter and some Christmas
neighbor gifts, I haven’t don’t that in YEARS, and instantly felt so anxious
and overwhelmed that I felt sick. (Yes I
am feeling some anxiety I’ve never had before and some lingering depression
from years ago.) But I also heard a
voice say, “It’s not a sin if you don’t do those things.” Such a good perspective. There are a lot of “should do’s in life”
that aren’t sins if you’re not doing them.
I’ve
learned that in the back of my mind; in a place in my subconscious, that my
whole life I’ve been working for love. I could write a whole blog about that
but basically I think I felt a lot of pressure in my life to do everything God
might expect of me or people might expect of me to meet expectations so they
would love me and be happy with me. When you can’t do all the things anymore it
exposes you to the question, “Will they still love me?”
I
have become very sensitive to not working for love anymore. Going through this
feeling of not being able to do all that I use to do and questioning, "Will I
still be loved?" has brought learning I would have never had if I had always been
strong. What I’ve learned is something
very profound about God and people, “When they love it’s because of who they
are, not because of who I am.” I’ve
heard that statement before, but now I know it’s really true. I don’t have to work for love. If someone is going to love me, it’s because
of who they are and I can just be me.
I’ve
questioned God about this, seeking for understanding. Because I’ve always felt
God wants us to be more, and do more. I feel like that’s what conference talks,
church lessons, fire sides, always teach us. Do more. So how does this work? As I’ve tried to gain understanding in my
mind about this, this is what I’ve come up with:
When
I look at my children I love them so much. I’m satisfied with where each one of
them are at. I think they’re all doing well. And I feel happy with them. But,
do I want more for them? Yes! I want more for each one of them. More of the
things I know would bring growth and happiness into their life. That’s
interesting to me. I feel happy and satisfied with where each one of them are
at, but yes I would like more for them.
Understanding
this about myself with my own children helps me understand God. I don’t feel
like I ever pressure my children to do something. I don’t tell them, force them,
make them, pressure them, push them, (at least I hope not,) and even saying
those words make me feel a loss of the spirit. So I know those things are not
from God. And I know that is not what God is doing to me. Yes there are things
I could do better. But he’s not there to push me, pressure me, force me, or
make me. He wants more from me, for my own happiness. But I don’t need to
feel like he’s disappointed in me when I just can’t bring myself to do more.
I
have learned through the spirit that it’s OK for me to be where I’m at, to feel
the ways that I’m feeling, and be who I am now. I heard those words in prayer
at a really low point a few months ago, “It’s ok to be who you are now and feel
the ways you feel now. It’s ok for you
to feel your feelings and not have to be who you use to be.” Man I just cried. I’m not broken and I don’t need to get back
to that girl I used to be. God said to me, "It's Ok to be who you are now." It must be true. I have to trust that. This girl is great too. What a huge realization that
is for me. I liked that girl a lot, but I like this girl too. It was so
great learning things from a place of strength and capability. But it’s great
to learn things from a place of weakness too, they are different things. I
have been learning very valuable things that I would never have been able to
learn. I love knowing that I don’t have to work for God’s love and I don’t have
to be a certain kind of person for him to be pleased and OK with me. I love
knowing that all the things on my list of what I should be doing, don’t make me
worthy. They aren’t sins. If you can’t do everything.
I
have also learned this other great thing. God actually wants us to enjoy our
life. I have thought plenty about God
wants me to learn, grow, change and progress.
I have never thought God wants me to enjoy my life. It’s not all about getting outside of my
comfort zone and doing more and learning more and doing better and pushing
myself. And I’m not saying that’s bad. Like I said I really liked being that
way and feeling super capable and being really busy and getting a lot done was
awesome. What I’m saying is that what
I’m learning now is that it’s also great to relax, go slow, and enjoy my life.
A Sunday school teacher last year explained it in such a way that really helped
me. He’s from a culture that is more relaxed naturally and he said, “When I go
on vacation I don’t have a long list of things I need to do and places I need to
see, that if I don’t get too, I feel I didn’t have a good vacation. When I go on vacation I want to sit on the
beach and enjoy the water and the sun. I
want to eat some good food. I want to
take a nap. I want to feel like I enjoyed myself. It’s not all about going and seeing and
doing. And it works this way with God also.
God wants us to enjoy our life.”
Wow! I’ve
always thought God was only about our growth, learning and progression. But God also want me to enjoy my life.
I
know God is in the balance of everything and the adversary always wants to pull
us to the edges. So it would make so much sense God would want us to have a
balance, to not just work but also be able to enjoy the beautiful gift that
he’s given us of life. To have times where we relax, slow down, and feel the
peace and beauty of existence. I know God is always in the balance; that Christ’s
spirit is in the middle. When we get into the extreme edges and the pendulum
swings all the way over that were under shooting or over shooting the mark, so
this makes so much sense to me.
I’m
writing a book. I’m going through all of my journals throughout my life and
compiling all my learning and changing and spiritual experiences into one place.
It’s like the plates of Melonie. It’s a book about God’s dealings in my life. I
try to write every day. I have felt God wanting me to do this since returning
from our mission. I’ve had so much inside of me I want to say about God’s power. I want to shout it from the rooftops. But I
crashed and burned so hard when we came home. The entire last year of our
mission God literally carried me as I clung to him to survive, and then when
everything imploded when we got home it was too much and I was destroyed. I’ve never fully returned to that place of
dealing with God. But I have found a new
place. Feeling like I should write a
book at that time was a lot. I felt
resentment toward God. I didn’t want to do it but I felt I should, but I
couldn’t, so resentment inside of me was born. After seven years of trying to
write this book what I have learned is, I don’t ever want to place God in a
position where I think he is pressuring me to do something. I don’t ever
want to put people in a place of pushing or pressuring me to meet their
expectations so that they will love me or be pleased with me. I don’t want to
ever attach, should do, must do, or have to do, to any language in my mind. I
am tired of feeling the pressure and guilt of that. After years I’m just so exhausted at those
words. I remind myself that God is not a
God who pushes, pressures, forces, makes, manipulates, or anything like
that. I know when I feel those ways it’s
not God. I feel a loss of the spirit
when I do let those feelings in and so I know it’s not of Him.
I’m
super happy learning to do things because I want to do them, and that’s the
only reason, it’s like establishing independence in my life. Nobody is making
me, pressuring me, or forcing me to do anything. I read my scriptures every day because I want
to do it. If I write in my book it’s
because I want to do it and I know I’ll have a better day. If I listen to my spiritual podcast it’s
because I enjoy it. It’s very freeing to detach guilt and pressure to my
day. I do these things because I know I’ll feel good if I do it. I know I’ll
bring energy to my life if I do it. I know that I’ll feel happy.
As I
write this I’m out walking in the park and it’s such a beautiful morning. (I’m just speaking into my phone.) In this
exact moment it has started to rain really hard and I’m taking refuge under a
pavilion and I’m looking out at the green grass and the birds flying around and
beautiful green trees, the gray sky and the gray mountains and all I can feel
is so much gratitude for life. I’m grateful for slow times to just sit and feel
grateful for the moisture, feel grateful for the sun peeking through the
clouds, feel grateful for the sound of birds. It’s all so beautiful. Life is
beautiful. I want you to see it, feel it, and let it in. And know God wants you to be happy and it’s
not his voice that is pushing, pressuring, forcing, or making you. His voice is different from that.
I’ve actually written
a few blogs in the past few years but I never publish them. I don’t know if
I’ll publish this one but I might. If I want to. Not because I feel guilt and pressure to do
it, but because I want too.
