Challenges tell you that God thinks a lot of you.

I was talking to a missionary Saturday morning about some of the issues she is facing.  We have seen her struggle with overcoming health challenges, but also some emotional challenges as well.  Some of the physical things are related to the emotional struggles.  It seems like it’s been one thing after another and life just keeps hitting her. 

We were talking about why everything in life isn’t just perfect and why missions aren’t just perfect.  It is so hard when you feel like you are trying to do the Lords work and things seem like they would just fall into place so the gospel can be taught better and more efficiently.  It just doesn’t happen.  Over and over again I see missionaries struggle with some pretty serious things who want desperately to be healed so they, cannot just stay on their mission, but have a highly productive mission.  I have come to the conclusion that the Lord loves his missionaries and cares about their growth and learning just as much as an investigator or less active member.  Missionaries lives are not perfect and are not meant to be perfect.  I wish they were, I wish every missionary could feel good, be healthy and have spiritual, emotional, mental and physical well being.  It just isn’t life, or God’s plan. 

God’s plan for each and every one of us is:

·        We are meant to have weakness.  I love the article in the Ensign last month about weakness vs. sin.  I have realized my weakness personally in all of its forms while on this mission. J Ok maybe not all of them, but it seems like all of them.  I have realized weakness can be a strength as it turns us to our Savior and makes us rely on Him.  I have realized weakness can teach us to trust our Heavenly Father and our Savior and give them what we can’t do or make happen.  I have realized weakness seen can teach us, change us and lead us to progression when we let it.  Humility in our weakness leads to strength in our savior.

·        We are meant to go through an imperfect life with trials that don’t make sense, hardships caused by others choices, and consequences brought on by our own sins. All of these issues can help us turn to our Savior because they make us humble and vulnerable enough to reach out and accept Him.  As we go through deep pain we also understand a little better what our Savior suffered and what are Heavenly Father has sacrificed for us to experience this life for ourselves.  Pain helps us understand Them better and it also helps us understand ourselves and others as well.

Anyway back to my sweet missionary who is struggling.  Besides the anxiety she is dealing with that has caused many physical sicknesses, she is also tired physically and emotionally.  As we talked I got a deeper sense of how much she worries. It can be exhausting worrying about, and trying to control everything. She talked about worrying because she loves so much.  One of her members, who is the sweetest kindest person, has severe health challenges and needs a lung transplant.  One recent convert is going through important life decisions she is making poor choices about.  Investigators struggles and family concerns are also causing worry.  None of it she has any control over.  It’s difficult.

As we talked I felt impressed to turn her to prayer.  Heavenly Father will always listen to us, understand us and teach us everything we need to know.  As we talk to Him and receive His understanding and peace it is the greatest release of pain.  When we can get our pain validated and understood we can release the pain to Christ and let go of it or accept it. 

I also felt to teach her about having faith in our Heavenly Father.  These are the things I felt she needed to know deep in her heart, “God knows you and all those you are worrying about.  It all comes down to faith.  Can you really believe and trust Him?  He does have a perfect plan for all of us.  We must know deeply that we don’t see with His eyes or His perspective.  This imperfect view limit’s us so we have to have faith. This life is not the end.  What we go through and what others are given and are going through has meaning for life and what we need to learn or become. Trust Him so you don’t need to carry and worry about everything to the point of depletion or exhaustion.”  I know Christ can worry for us.  We can, “cast our burdens on His care” and He will take them for us, allowing us to be free. 

I also had another feeling I expressed to her….She is a wonderful, amazing young woman!!  I love her so much.  She has amazing gifts, talents and abilities.  I just wonder if God gives great challenges to those who He thinks a lot of.  I don’t know, but it reminds me of a story I once heard.,

There was a man who was visiting a ward and went to the gospel doctrine class 2^nd hour.  The lesson was being presented and the man kept making comments during the lesson; bragging about his children. He made a point to bring up their sport accomplishments, their missions, their temple marriages, their education and grades, their many awards, their callings in the church and how much money they were making.  By the end of the lesson everyone was sick of it.  Finally one old man raised his hand and said, “Well God must not think a lot of you to give you such easy children.”  This story has always stuck in my mind.  I think of Joseph Smith and all of his many trials.  He was such a great man his trials probably had to be great to be trials.

I think if we could see ourselves correctly we would see a vision of amazing people put in situations of learning so as to be enlarged, to be used by God for good.  God really knows us and we need to trust Him no matter what we go through.  Struggles will come, the only question is-will we go towards Him or away from Him to get through it.  There are only two choices.  I know He is the right choice.  Our eternal, broader perspective of who we are, what this life’s purpose is about, and God’s plan and ability to help us will change our lives too faith, strength and courage. 

At the end of our visit she was expressing how much better she felt and her inspiration of how to change to feel better.  I hung up the phone and thought, “The Lord has done it again.”  He helps me help them.  I am so grateful for that, but I recognize I can only teach or talk about what I have experienced and know for myself.  I feel I have gone through so much on this mission and sometimes I wonder if some of it is just for them; so I can relate to them completely.  I know how they feel, give ideas and suggestions all according to what I am learning myself or have learned in the past though the spirit.  I have always said, “I am the poster child for change.”  He has taught me so much.  I feel the Lord has a plan and He is in charge.  I have faith in that.  He knows how to use us to do His will if we will let Him, and that amazes me.  He amazes me.

God so loved the world that He gave his Perfect Son.

I have written before about how I have learned to use the atonement, what it is and how it has affected me.  But I am gaining a new perspective and understanding I never have before that I would like to share.

The condescension of Jesus Christ was a big deal.  According to Bruce R. McConkie Christ progressed so fast in the pre-existence that he became a God in his pre-mortal state.  Can you imagine having a son like that; a perfect son, who was totally obedient, honored you in every way, wanted to do your will more than his own, loved you and trusted you enough to do anything you wanted him to?  If you’re a parent that sounds pretty fantastic!  None of us can have children like that or be children like that, but because of the struggles of parenting that opposition can give a deeper understanding of what it would feel like to have a child like that.

When I imagine this it feels amazing.  I would love and cherish that son.  He would mean the world to me and I would want to protect him with every fiber of my being.  I can try to imagine how Heavenly Father felt about this perfect son.  Oh my goodness the perfect and intense love he must feel toward Christ!  What a powerful, tender, protective feeling He must have felt.  I can imagine how I would feel if I had a son like that. It would be the most difficult thing in the world to sacrifice Him to the most painful thing anyone would ever have to go through; all the sins of the world, but in addition, to sacrifice his honor and glory to come down among man and be spit on, humiliated, abused and killed. 

The love God offers me in the sacrifice of His son amazes me.  God loved the world; you and I, so much that He gave his only begotten Son.  God’s love amazes me!

Christ amazes me.  He didn’t know what this sacrifice would feel like until he experienced it for himself.  He thought he could do it.  God knew He could.  I know all of us on earth trusted that He could do it.  I am so glad I was willing to put my trust in God and Jesus Christ that He could perform the most powerful sacrifice of all time that would save us all. 

Christ is our perfect example of loving God enough to do His will.  If we love God more than man we put our value on pleasing God and doing His will, and not pleasing or looking good to others.  If we love God more than ourselves we empty ourselves of our pride, vanity, and hardness and are willing to listen, turn to Him and obey.  I wish I could love God that much.  I wish I had a perfect love that I could be that kind of being.  When I am perfected in Christ at the resurrection and am not a fallen being that is what I want; that I can be perfect in my love for God; that I can always act, think and feel as God wants me to.

Christ loved His Father so much.  He was empty of himself; his life, his honor, his power, his way, his goals, his wishes and his dreams were not important to him, he just wanted what His Father wanted.  That is a perfect love. 

I am having a small realization of what this meant to both of them.  How painful for God to sacrifice a perfect son who loves and trusts you so much, for a world, which for the most part would reject Him.  And how much Christ loved His Father.

We are doing a great work and cannot come down!

We just finished specialized training and it was so awesome.  We played the talk from Elder Uchtdorf entitled, “We Are Doing a Great Work and Cannot Come Down.” for our doctrine.  We had some wonderful role plays on teaching and finding and played some team building games. 

I wanted to talk a little about Elder Uchtdorf’s talk.  We stopped it several times to discuss different points he was making.  We first talked about change.  It’s important for each missionary to always know when we come to trainings that they may feel the spirit when they are in the meetings but if they walk out the door and never change then their time spent there has been a waste.  We want to change always.  It’s beautiful.

E. Uchtdorf talks about What Matters Most and that we could all give great talks about it, but, “our weakness is in failing to align our actions with our conscience.”  Sometimes we sacrifice doing the best things in place of doing good things. 

This sure can be true in missionary work.  At this point we stopped the video and talked about the difference of doing good; “missionary like activity”, vs. best; doing “missionary work”.  Sometimes as a missionary it’s easy to be comfortable being busy, but not really be focused on finding people to teach or teaching when we have the opportunity.  Missionaries, who are finding and teaching Christ no matter what they are doing during the day, are doing the best way, to spend their time and we define that as missionary work.

Then E. Uchtdorf goes on to give the great story of Nehemiah.  Listen to the talk https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/we-are-doing-a-great-work-and-cannot-come-down?lang=eng  It’s very inspiring.  I listened to it 5x’s over the 5 days and never got tired of it.

Next we related Nehemiah’s story to the Missionaries.  As Missionaries we face opposition, we must be consecrated and move forward no matter what distractions we face, we must, “have a mind to work”, and we must be firmly planted in the fact that, “We are doing a great work and must not come down.”  I think the missionaries could relate on many levels of how we sometimes come down off the wall and loose our focus.  We had a wonderful, inspiring, open discussion about being firmly resolved to be strictly obedient, and helping each other to be more firmly resolved to have a mind to work, so that we cannot come down.  We have resolved as a mission to change.  The spirit always invites change and we must, “align our actions with our conscience.”  I felt a lot of power in all 5 days of our training as we saw missionaries excited to give more and do more for the Lord.  We asked them to go out and give it their all for 4 days and come back and report.  We had those follow up accountings over the weekend and they were awesome.  Many missionaries shared their personal witness of miracles and blessings that happened when they consecrated more to the Lord.  We are now doing the same thing until interviews.  Then we will do it until Elder Nelson comes. 

We are doing a great work and cannot come down.  We are preparing our hearts and minds to receive an apostle of the Lord, Elder Russell M. Nelson who is coming to our mission April 18 & 19.  We are committed to being 200% accountable for ourselves and each other.  I felt the Lords hand in guiding us and directly giving us this training.  (I feel that a lot in our trainings I just don’t have time to write them all down.)  And it is inspiring to see our good missionaries, with their good hearts be willing to give more to the Lord.  They are so fantastic.  What amazing youth this gospel creates.  It reminds me of Joseph Smith’s powerful statement:

“Let us here observe, that a religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things, never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation.”

The Lord will do His work when I get out of the way.

I have had the distinct impression lately to go back into my journal and read and remember some of the experiences we had when we were first called and came out on the mission.  This has been a wonderful experience for me.  It is amazing to me how many special experiences I have forgotten.  How grateful I am that I have recorded them and can renew my memory and re-live some of those feelings and remember things I learned. 

One ironic thing that happened as I read was that I came across an entry that I hadn’t remembered at all, as I read about it I recalled the inspiration and it was powerful to me for what I am going through right now too.  I felt I was directed to this entry to re-learn and remember something that the Lord was trying to teach me again.  Here is the journal entry and my feelings about it today: (It’s going to be confusing.  This is about an experience that happened 2 years ago that prompted memories from something that happened 8 years ago that finally helped me to understand and learn from something that happened about 15 years ago.)  Good Luck.

I had a wonderful learning experience today.  It all started when I was talking to Sister D__ after new missionary training today.  She is training Sister L__ in a threesome companionship with Sister W__. Sister D was seeking some council because she and Sister W are both opinionated about how training should go and it’s often conflicting ideas.  They are both responsible and thoughtful and want to train Sister L the best way possible.  Sister D is trying to figure out the answer, she wants to: teach what she feels is best, know if she is too prideful and stubborn, have things be done the right way, and wants to work hard.  She wants to use time wisely but wonders if she is pushing and not relaxed enough to let the spirit in.  Her questions are good: “What is the balance?  How and what do I need to change inside?  What should I do differently?”

I could tell she was burdened down with worry over everything.  I was praying to know how to help and had the impression to say, “It sounds like a war is going on inside of you; impressions from the spirit, conflicting feelings of your own of what you feel is right, what you feel is fair because you are the official trainer and it’s your calling and authority, fear of hurting others and causing offense, and questions about if you’re loving your companions and being Christ like.”

Sister D then expressed, “Yes, I just don’t know what I should change and do differently.”

Right then the weirdest thing came into my mind from some learning I had done about 8 years ago.   I remembered when, [a young son] was going through some anger issues and I felt he was in the wrong everyday at how he was treating me and the family.  I wanted to convince him of the wrong of his ways and show him what was right.  I felt the spirit whisper constantly, “you can’t teach him, touch him, or show him anything, right now.  Walk away!”  I wanted to stay right where I was and convince him of the wrong of his ways.  Instead I chose to obey the spirit, and walk away, even though it didn’t make sense to me and wasn’t what I thought should happen.  (At least most of the time, sometimes my natural man would take over and I would stay in my pride, try to make him see his error, I would become more indignant with his behavior and it would end up in a big argument.)  I learned I could make it be about, “I’m right” and you’re going to see the wrong of your ways and have a big fight, or I could listen to the spirit, state a clear boundary and walk away as quickly as possible, knowing he never really saw his error, but there was also no arguing.  (We ended up having a relationship with him the best we could while he went through some difficult years and he grew out of it and he is great now.)

I remembered having learned that I don’t have to worry about what is fair, what I want to teach, how I think it should be, what I need to change or show, or what is going to happen.  I just needed to follow the spirit.

All of this remembering happened in a split second as I was praying to know how to help Sister D.  I talked to her about trusting what the spirit says.  I counseled her to, “Quit worrying about what you need to change, what is right and fair, what you think should happen, your position and how everyone thinks and feels.  Instead focus on what the spirit is telling you to do, trust that and let everything else go.”

She started to cry.  The spirit had touched her heart.  She said, “I don’t need to be burdened with worry, I just need to follow promptings.”  She seemed completely different.  I could tell the spirit had given her what she needed.  I thought to myself, “The Lord has done it again- HE just keeps teaching and touching these missionaries in His way.”

Tonight I have been praying and expressing my gratitude as I thought about the experience today and the learning I felt 8 years ago that helped me know how to help her.  I am so grateful for learning in my life and to serve a mission.  It is everything I love: talking about the gospel, teaching the gospel, conversations that help and strengthen others, feeling the spirit work through me, working alongside of amazing men and women who love the gospel also, learning so much, and seeing the Lord change people’s lives.  I love it so much, and I never want to go home.  I am also so glad to have a break from keeping that big house and big yard maintained.  It’s wonderful!

In my prayer tonight I was also expressing those same feelings I have written about before of, I don’t know why we were called to do this.  I don’t know why we got to be so blessed.  The Lord could have made anyone capable, I don’t know why He chose us, but I am extremely grateful He did, and I am so grateful for all the learning and changing over the years that I can draw from.

All of a sudden the Lord gave me knowledge I have been trying to understand for years.  I have been so grateful for so long for the ways I have changed and grown.  I always think about how I don’t know how change happens, I just know the Lord does it to us, we don’t do it for ourselves.  I first started thinking this around 15 years ago when I had been working on changing something about myself and it wasn’t going so well.  I was frustrated because I felt God wasn’t helping me.  I remember finally giving up and just saying, “I can’t do it Lord, I can’t change myself, you will just have to do it.”  I felt change happen in my life very quickly after that.  I never understood how it happened but I just knew the Lord changed me, not me. [Note: to read more completely of that experience I wrote about it in the #2 atonement blog.] See:http://prayrepentloverepeat.blogspot.com/2014/12/2-help-me-change-myself-lord-not.html

Tonight in a split second I finally understood how change really happens.  It all kind of came together for me as I was praying.   When I gave up what I wanted; my desires, what I felt was right, what I felt was fair, my expectations; my pride, and put it all on the alter and said, “I give up Lord, I don’t care about anything, I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.  I am willing to give up everything, that’s how desperate I am.  I don’t want my expectations to be met, things to be fair or proper, or what I feel is right to happen.  I don’t care how things look, or what makes sense.  I just want to change and stop feeling these feelings.”  I finally cared more about listening, obeying and awakening to His will more than my own.  All I cared about, finally, 100%, was doing God’s will; listening and obeying the spirit more than anything else.

To be specific I realized tonight that I had thought from my own upbringing that kids should do certain things, act in certain ways, talk in certain ways, etc.  These ways were appropriate and meant you were respectful and appreciative of others.  Well the expectations were probably unrealistic for the children I have been blessed with and this war of what I thought was right was going on with what the spirit was telling me to do.

I finally understand 15 years later how those changes happened. When I gave up my way and became open to a new way; a new view-that was repentance.  In doing this I created a place for Him.  He then could change me.

It also occurs to me that this is how we lay down our “weapons of war”.  There is a war going on inside of us.  We have a natural man and Child of God, both pulling at us every day. I think that natural man exists in our mind and the child of God is in our heart.  Our natural man is an enemy to God and to the child of God inside.  When we lay down our weapons of war it’s not just for sin, its wrong traditions, habits and expectations that keep us from following the spirit that will make us true followers of Christ and His disciples.  I am so grateful for the Lord to put this learning into my mind 15 years later.

That was the journal entry.  If you’re still with me I’m amazed. 

Anyway as I was reading this journal entry I couldn’t believe I had forgotten that.  It has really helped me again to think of giving up my will, expectations, desires, wants and dreams and just empty myself out and accept God’s will instead.  I have been working on that for a while now.  I am finally feeling better.  I feel stronger.  I am learning over and over again that I can trust the Lord.  He is The Way. 

I keep having the word empty come into my mind.  I feel emptying myself, of myself, has created a place inside of me for the Lord to fill with His peace and hope.  He has filled me with an assurance that things will work out in the end, that He knows everyone of His children, that He loves my children and is mindful of them, and that what has been given to them has been done in His wisdom, not randomly and thoughtlessly.  I trust that He knows what He is doing, and I have peace in that.  His timing is perfect and I can also trust in that. 

Getting me to this point over the last 7 months has been a lot of work for all three members of the Godhead.  I feel the spiritual work they do in our lives to bring us peace, comfort, hope, happiness, freedom, and confidence- all in the face of sin, heartache, trials, pain and grief, is sacred.  This is sacred work.  What they can do with me amazes me. My heart is so full of gratitude. These are sacred changes they perform when I will get out of the way and let them.  Oh, I am so grateful for the goodness of the Godhead and all that they offer.

It's all about the heart.

I have had some experiences in the last few months that is changing my way of thinking.  The underlying theme has been, “See the way God sees, He looks upon the heart.”  This perspective has really made an impact for me.

The first experience was a few months ago. We were in interviews and I was talking to a beautiful elder who I love dearly.  When he was a district leader, early on in his mission, he was involved in some disobedience along with some other elders.  He is a very good young man, but was probably caught up in a situation where he gave into peer pressure or felt afraid and went along with the group.  His consequence was he was transferred and was no longer a district leader.  The other young men involved later became leaders but up to that point in his mission he had never been given a leadership role again.  He wondered why he wasn’t “progressing” and was beating himself up over his past mistake.  In the interview he was expressing feelings of, “I made a mistake, I can’t forgive myself, I am not a good person, I hate that I did that, I just can’t get over it, etc.”

As I was listening to him I kept thinking about how great this young man was.  He is a very humble person, very loving, very kind, wants to do good, and wants to be helpful.  Everyone just loves him.  He was trying hard to be strictly obedient, and was trying to not be a follower anymore.  Yet he was being very hard on himself about what he had done and not being able to “progress” now because of it.  (Missionaries do tend to base their value on the external show of numbers or leadership positions.)

I was wondering what I could possibly say to this young man that I hadn’t already said.  He knew we loved him and thought the world of him.  He knew he needed to forgive himself.  He knew others think he is great.  But he needed something that would touch his heart that would make him see differently so he could forgive himself and accept God and others love for him.

I felt these words come into my mind and expressed them to him, “God looks upon the heart.  The natural man sees with worldly eyes, but God sees the thoughts and intents of our heart.  Look at your heart Elder!  If God is looking at that, don’t you think you should be looking at it too?  Can you see your good heart?  Your desires are so good, you’re so humble.  You’ve worked hard even when you were discouraged and tired.  You’ve been trying so hard to be obedient.  You have such a kind and loving heart.  You want to be good so badly.  Don’t you think God can see that and knows that?  Look at your heart and you’ll see yourself more clearly and understand how God feels about you more accurately.”

He looked so thoughtful, blew out this huge breathe, put his hands over his face and just kind of laughed.  He did that a couple of times and then said, “I don’t need to talk anymore Sister Mullen, it’s gone, and I’ve never felt this good before.  That’s amazing. I’m ok now.”

I knew God had given him and me a gift.  (That is why I love this calling.  God gives a lot and makes it good.)  He needed to judge himself by his heart.  When he looked at his heart it changed everything for him.  When he understood that God was looking at his heart, not judging him by the world’s standard, he immediately changed.  He saw himself differently.  I found it interesting that the next transfer he was put in as a zone leader.  Many times when we learn what the Lord wants us to, our situation changes.

The next experience was a few weeks later.  This is going to be honest again.  I had gone to a yoga class with my son to try to help his back become more flexible and heal.  The class was ending and we were lying on our mats breathing.  I had gone to the class to be supportive of Jordan; I looked over at him lying on his mat, hoping like a mother would, that he was feeling good.  I saw him laying there and wished he wasn’t so short; he’s 5’3’’.  What a hard life for a man to be that short.  I wished he didn’t have flat feet; it limits him from doing what he wants to do and it’s hard on knees and feet to have no arch.  I wished he didn’t have back problems; again it limits him and he is going to be in pain his whole life.  I wish he didn’t have asthma and such bad allergies, I wish he didn’t have anxiety; it is all limiting him so much right now.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  These thoughts all occurred in a split second.  And in that same moment the spirit opened up my mind to this thought, “You look at your children threw the worlds eyes; what will be easiest and most successful for them according to the world.  You wish for them to have things that would make them popular, liked, successful, comfortable all according to the world’s standard.  But God looks on the heart.  God sees Jordan’s heart.  Don’t measure your children by how the world would see them.  If you want to see Jordan the way God sees him, look at his heart.”  That enlightenment also happened in a split second.  It was a little shocking to me.  I realized it was true and I had been measuring my children by the world’s standard for a long time.

In that moment I determined to look and see.  I thought of Jordan; who he really is inside.  I could see his vulnerability, his desire to do good, be good, and his insecurity and fear.  I could see his desire to be loved and accepted. I could also see his excitement for life and love for the outdoors.

I felt my heart change so much.  Instead of wishing something different, I felt a deeper more eternal sight come over me.  I felt happy and positive for him.  I felt calm.  I knew this was the right way and all the other external stuff didn’t matter.  It was quite a spiritual experience for me. 

I hadn’t realized for 25 years that I was looking at my children through the eyes of the world.  I think I was sub-consciously asking all the time if they were smart enough, athletic enough, spiritual, cute, accomplished and productive enough.  This was a little devastating for me.  I didn’t know I was seeing them through the world’s view of what a successful child “looked like”.  I wanted them to get good grades, get into BYU, be piano players, make the team, be the leader, etc., always thinking that was what would help them feel successful; being successful in the eyes of the world.  In that instant I learned so much.  God looks on the heart.  I need to look on the heart.  They need to look on their heart.  I saw something and felt something so different when I did that.

Ok, the third experience.  We are ending our mission.  I have counseled so many missionaries at the end of their missions about questions they have about doing good enough on their missions.  I know all the questions and have given all the answers I could think of:  The Lord is pleased, you’ve worked hard, you’ve sacrificed a lot, done a good job, try focusing on the 1,000 things you did do, not the 20 things you didn’t do and-ask the Lord if you’ve done enough and listen to your heart for the answer.  So I find it ironic that I’m asking the same questions to myself.  I’ve been asking did I do enough, try hard enough, work hard enough, sacrifice enough, love enough, extend myself enough, etc.  The other day as I was praying the thought came into my mind, “God looks upon the heart, why don’t you try that.”  As I did I felt relief.  God understands me and loves me, I am enough for Him and He is pleased. 

Interestingly I don’t feel God’s love so profoundly when I look on the outside of me, but I do feel it when I look on the inside.  I think it’s because when I look on the outside I am measuring me by the worlds standard, but when I look on my heart I am measuring me by the Lords standard. 

God is our loving Heavenly Father.  He is grateful and kind about whatever we offer or sacrifice for good.  I don’t know that our offering is ever perfect.  But he is a grateful God.  He looks at our hearts, our righteous desires, our trying, our working, our hopes, our concerns, and our pain.  He knows our fears and vulnerability.  He sees us clearly because he looks at our heart.  I feel I see myself more clearly and with love when I look on my heart.  The world would confuse us as to what’s important, needed, and valuable.  Satan would distract us and keep us thinking our value comes from our place in the world, measuring ourselves and others by what the world thinks. I thought I had already learned about this, but I am grateful for another layer. 

I want to see differently, not as the world sees.  I want to be more grateful, positive in my circumstance, firm in my mind, faith filled in the Lords ability to make things right.  I have a new vision of seeing myself and others differently. It’s all in the heart.  Love you.  Thanks for reading.

For our profit and learning

We have had a missionary who is struggling with some great personal tragedy in his life.  It is heart breaking to think of what he is going through and to watch what he is experiencing.  He often asks, “Why isn’t God answering my prayers?”  From the outside looking in, (the easy way to see clearly; when you’re not going through it yourself), I’m thinking, “He is answering your prayers: you’ve had some amazing spiritual dreams that have answered your prayers in dramatic ways, you’ve been brought to serve a mission here when the Lord would know you would be facing very hard things, and you are surrounded by people who love you and can care for you right now.  He feels these things at times, but just can’t hold on to them long enough to let them really comfort or strengthen him for more than a day, and then it seems he starts over again wondering why He is going through this and why isn’t God answering his prayers. 

In times of deep pain or disappointment we can all feel like the Lord is right there giving us answers, but we can’t hold on to them.  We may feel a moment of peace or comfort, but then go right back into the same feelings of pain.  Sometimes the Lord may give dramatic spiritual experiences, but most of the time the Lord gives only whisperings deep in our heart that can be so hard to hear and recognize.

This experience has caused me to reflect on two things.  The first one is spiritual experiences in my own life.  When we were new into the mission I was asked to speak on temple attendance.  I started doing the math to figure out how many times we had been to the temple since we had been married.  We figured the conservative estimate was over 800 times. I started thinking of the really huge spiritual experiences I had had in the temple: I was in a sealing session and felt a deep understanding of the divinity of women opened up to my eyes.  I understood the subtle influences of pride and how satan uses pride to keep us from God.  I felt charity; the pure love of Christ, for an amazing 20 min or so during and after a sealing session.  It was the most amazing feeling of love I have ever experienced; I couldn’t stop crying my body couldn’t even hold it.  One time while doing an initiatory I understood what something in my patriartical blessing said that I had wondered about for 25 years.  When I was really praying for God’s to strengthen my faith, but feeling what more could he possible give me, while waiting for an initiatory to start, He showed me in the most profound way what He could do instantly to show me the reality of His existence and awareness of me.  I understood how holy and sacred marriage is to the Lord once while in a sealing session.  I understood how all the ordinances fit together for the first time while doing an initiatory session recently.

These are all tags in my brain.  I wrote all of them down at once, just now for a purpose.  I just counted them up.  There are seven.  Seven experiences out of over 800 times attending the temple!  I have had a few less dramatic experiences happen where I felt amazing love, knowledge of what to do for a child, a change of heart, knowledge I didn’t have before, whisperings of understanding, etc.  Maybe 60 or 70 times of that kind of thing.  But for the other 700+ times I’ve gone I’ve just felt a good feeling, nothing amazing or abnormal, no great knowledge or awareness, just a whispering of good. 

It is such a testimony to me, that we put ourselves in holy places like prayer, scriptures, church and temple because we are waiting upon the Lord.  He will fill us as we put ourselves in a position to receive.  It won’t always be dramatic, most of the time it will be just a drop; a whisper, a good feeling, a subtle bit of knowledge.  But gradually we have a filled bucket of spiritual experiences, or a full lamp of oil.  We never know when it will come, but we put ourselves there because it increases the chances we will receive some bit of light.

The reality is the Lord wont spoon feed us with dramatic spiritual experiences every time he wants to communicate with us.  He expects us to feel, think and act with just subtle promptings from Him.  Although at times He may give us more powerful experiences, my experience is most of the time we just have to trust whisperings.  (I can hear those better when I turn my brain off and listen to my heart.)  The tragedy is when we won’t receive or listen because we want Him to speak on our terms, not His.

The other thing I’ve been thinking about as I have watched this young man’s heart break is how comforting the doctrine of opposition is.  I’ve never really thought about it in such a profound way as I have this week.  I had an experience, (another one of those, Yes we are real people experiences), last weekend that put knowledge right into my heart about opposition. I think the Lord has been trying to get it from my head into my heart for some time. 

I have mentioned before that our family has been struggling with some very difficult challenges.  It’s kind of layers of things and I have received layers of understanding as we have worked to hold on.  Don and I have not gone unaffected as we have both worked to accept.

When we learn new ways of doing things or things we need to change, Don and I have to adjust the balance of our relationship.  It rocks the boat a bit and we have to work through it.  One of these times was last Sunday morning.  We had been talking during the weekend about things we needed to do in order to help our family and Sunday morning we were doing some more exploring to help improve the situation.  (To be clear we weren’t arguing but we weren’t feeling the spirit either.)  The boat was being rocked and we were trying to adjust.  It wasn’t great timing since we had to speak in Stake Conference and I was giving a 15 min talk. (How ironic that it was on how wives can support their husbands in leading the family.  God has such a sense of humor.)  I have often heard investigators talk about feeling the spirit so strong as they enter the chapel.  I personally have never felt this feeling.  It just feels normal to me when I enter the chapel.  It feels good.  But last Sunday as I entered the chapel I felt such a powerful difference from the turmoil I had been feeling all weekend.  Peace settled on me, calm came over me, I felt the spirit in the music, spirit in every talk, sprit speaking words to my mind.  It was so different than the way I was feeling before. The feeling of opposition I felt so quickly bore powerful testimony to me of the truthfulness of how real the spirit it, how wonderful peace is, how amazing spiritual feelings are.

Later that day I was reading in 2 Nephi 2:11.  (It’s the doctrine of opposition.)…There must needs be an opposition in all things.  If not…righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad….neither happiness or misery.  12.  Without opposition the earth would have been created for nothing. 

This really hit me.  We know what something feels like when we experience the opposite.  This is exactly why God created the earth.  His purpose in creating the earth and the plan of happiness was that we would experience the good and the evil, happiness and misery, holiness and wickedness.  14.  And these things would be for our profit and learning. 16.  God gave to man agency; that he should act for himself, being enticed by the one or the other.  Being free to choose.

I don’t know, maybe I’m weird but this doctrine is sooooo comforting to me.  There really is a purpose for our pain.  From the beginning of time, these hard things were meant to be…..and we wanted it.  Sometimes that is just craziness to me, when the pain gets so deep.  But when I am through the pain and regain an eternal perspective I can feel the profit and learning that comes.  And the profit and learning is so sweet and so valuable.  We just have to stay with Him and let Him get us through it; creating a place in our heart to receive and keep the light He is trying to put there.  And then it’s just so good, because we know the difference.

Women and Men unite.

I spoke in the Valley Stake Conference today.  President McCombie asked me to speak on helping children and wives support their husbands in leading the family.  I of course was reading between the lines and thought to myself, this is code for, “help these women who think quickly, efficiently, in multiples, all at once, slow down long enough to give their poor husbands a chance to form a thought and lead out.”  My other thought was to laugh at how ironic this topic is to my own personal marriage.  I am constantly having to listen to the spirit remind me I’m not in charge, and trying to hold me back from taking over, speaking out of turn, correcting Don because I thought he should have done it different, or nudging him to do or say it my way.  I am always working on not taking over and allowing my husband to lead.  To speak on it just makes me laugh inside, but here is what I feel the Lord has taught me over the years.

Trust in Heavenly Fathers plan.  His plan is that men and woman have different roles in marriage and they would learn to be one.  Men have the divine role to provide, lead and protect their family.  To me that means not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally- leading, providing and protecting their children and wives.

We as women love, help, and teach our children and create a home where that can happen. We also support, help and council with our husbands.  If we can see and meet needs it will help our family.  The health and well being of our family is very important to the Lord and provides great happiness in this life.

I also thought I should talk about children’s roles in the family.  I asked Don what he thought children’s roles were.  He said, “They are to produce the trials necessary to perfect their parents.”  I laughed because that perfectly describes the stage of life were in right now.  They he added, “in other words, they are the fuel for the refiner’s fire for parents.”  He is so funny.  But here is what the family proclamation in summary says: Children are to gain a body and earthly experiences to learn and grow towards God, to realize their divine destiny as heirs and receive eternal life.  After reading that I felt it describes what we are all doing here, not just youthful children.  We are all children of God working towards realizing who we are and what we are capable of.

I think it is important to address how the adversary fights against us fulfilling our divine role and potential.  (I’ve written a little about this in the past.)   First, the world is weakening men’s roles by portraying them as weak, stupid, incapable, followers and indecisive- or the opposite- being, violent, unfeeling, and hard.  The worlds women are tough, aggressive, dominate and smarter than men-or the opposite- just sexual objects whose value comes from being thin and beautiful. 

 I think the adversary works on weakening our confidence in ourselves and each other.  His message is always negative, critical and prideful.  As women we may think, “I can do it better, faster, more efficiently, and smarter than you.” Or, “I need to prove my worth and there is no value or meaning in being at home with my children.” Or, “I am not capable of having faith in my husband.”  As men we may think, “I am not capable or don’t have the time to fulfill my calling well, lead out in family prayer or Family Home Evening, or disciplining the kids effectively.”

We must fight against the worlds fear and pride.  We can have confidence in God and in His plan.  He gave each of us roles to fulfill.  I can trust my husband Don, has been called by God.  I can trust God will help him if I’ll stay out of the way and be a supporter and a councilor.  I know God can inspire us how to help each other to fulfill our divine role, but we have to listen to the spirit. It is so easy for us women to see with our natural man eyes and just take over because it’s the easiest way to get done what we think needs to be done.  We aren’t seeing with an eternal perspective. It’s like missionaries who go out and just work without ever asking the Lord what He wants. They just do, “stuff”, all day long.  They’re busy, but it may not be what the Lord would have them do.  They don’t really know, they never asked, they just filled their day with, busy.  It’s not divinely inspired.

As parents and spouses it the same thing.  To really achieve our divine potential and help others do the same we have to be tuned into the Lord all day long.  We have to ask what the Lord wants, then listen to our heart to know what to do.  To be honest the number one thing I hear the spirit tell me is to, “be quiet”.  I hear it all the time.  By obeying that prompting what I have found out is that my husband really is inspired.  Things turn out so good and I know if we would have done it my way, (which totally seemed to me to be the right way), it would not have been as good.  If I wouldn’t have been quiet, and gotten out of the way I would have never found that out.  Men have been called of God to do a work in our family and in the church and I can trust God will help him, if I will get out of the way.  Don’t get in the way of God’s work in your husband’s life.  God can teach your husband, touch him and affect him, if you will love and support him learning in Gods way.

Don’t get me wrong though.  I have a voice.  I give my voice often, which is probably why the spirit has to tell me to be quiet so often.  Don always tries to listen to me, thinks about it and then decides and does what he feels God is inspiring him to do in this calling as a mission president, and with our family I think he just tries to help us work together so we both feel satisfied at what is done.  It turns out great.  I see his inspiration.  If I just took over I couldn’t see that.

I learn in layers.  One thing that has been an important layer of learning for me on this subject was when Elder Anderson, the apostle, came to our mission quite a while ago.  I learned something that has changed my life.  (This is from an earlier post entitled Let’s be honest.)  Copy and paste to read the whole thing: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6611450123763963288#editor/target=post;postID=4901206155007843052;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=12;src=postname

He said, “Isn’t it great that the Lord allows so many different kinds of people to have testimonies?  Look at Pres Palmer and Pres Mullen, they couldn’t be more different, yet they were both called of God to serve as mission presidents in the WA SPOKANE Mission and have done a great job.  We experience this as apostles too.  Pres Monsen loves to shake hands and be out among the people; Pres Packer prefers to be in the back room with the door closed studying a book.  Yet both are called of God and fulfill their assignments amazingly.  Everyone has a part to play and one person will touch and influence for good someone that another person can’t.  We don’t have to be alike.  We can be different and still be just as effective as another.”

What the spirit drove into my heart was first-God loves my husband.  I instantly felt such appreciation for Don’s great testimony and the way Don does things, because I knew God was ok with him and loves him. Isn’t that ironic?  When I knew deep in my heart how much God loved Don, I felt at peace and could just accept him and relax.  Second I had a deep understanding that every single one of us is different and there really is not a right way to do something.  I knew without a doubt that, “My way is just “A way”, someone else’s way is just “A way”.  The only, “The way”, is God’s way.   My way is not the right way.  There is not just one way to do something. 

To all of us wives, its pride to think our way is the best way.  Its pride to think I’m the only one that can do it right, get it done, or do it in a timely way.  We can really learn humility and patience as we let our husbands lead, protect and provide.  I’m learning that God has called my husband to lead, provide and protect our family.  I can trust God that He will help him and inspire him.  And as he works and practices and learns he will get better and better at it. And then I get better and better at being patient, humble, kind and loving; fulfilling my divine role.  And then we get better and better at working together in mutual respect and love. 

Living in a family is a wonderful environment to learn to live the gospel.  Things aren’t fair, perfect, or always what we want, so we have the opportunity to learn to forgive, show mercy, be kind, love,  and help, when it’s not easy.  Living in a family is the perfect place to learn to repent; many situations arise in which we need to do so.  It’s awesome.  The Lord is so smart.

I feel the Lord can use us in His way if we will let go of what we think and want and turn to Him for inspiration in dealing with one another throughout the day.  “What do you want me to say Lord?”  What do you want me to do Lord?” is the way.  Then we turn our day over to God, our lives over to God and the people in our lives over to God.  He will do an amazing work if we will allow Him to guide us in helping each other reach our divine potential.   As we reach our divine potential, we see ourselves as divine heirs; children of god, we understand who we are and what we are capable of, then we can accomplish and become all God intends for us.  Then the Lord will be able to use us in His way and we will fulfill His plan for us.