You can be the miracle when you follow God's path for you.

I was recently asked to speak to my Alma mater; The BYU Ballroom Company, during an annual devotional they hold for their teams.  It was an honor to be asked to speak.  I prayed a lot about what would be the best message I could give.  I felt the spirit speak to me about how important it is to follow God’s individual path for us no matter how difficult.  And if we keep at it, then God can make our weaknesses into strengths and our fear into faith. This message became important to me since I felt the spirit gave it to me specifically.  I actually fell in love with the message so I wanted to share it.  Here it is:

When I think about college students, young adults and people in general I think about the many demands being placed on all of us.  When I was a BYU student; dancing, teaching, and competing on the BYU Ballroom Company and working to put myself through school, I felt busy and stressed most of the time.  The demands were huge.  But I look back on those days with fondness because it seems like life’s demands are continual and ever increasing. 

I know some of the demands of life we place on ourselves and some are placed on us and as those expectations grow we can feel like we don’t have enough resources to meet the demands.  We can even feel that what our Heavenly Father asks of us, like prayer, scripture reading, church attendance, etc. is a demand; just one more thing we have to do, when actually the things He asks of us are resources, and the key is understanding how to make them be the resources they are.

Elder Anderson spoke at an MTC devotional a few months ago and talked about the physical side of doing things vs. the spiritual side. He basically said, ‘We go to church, we read our scriptures, we pay our tithing, we kneel and pray, and we take the sacrament.  Those are the physical things we do.  But there is a spiritual element to these things that we can be oblivious to as we go through the motions of checking off our list of “to do’s”.  The spiritual side means instead of just going to church, we actually worship the Lord and want to show our love for Him by attending church.  We don’t just kneel and pray, but we speak, listen and give attention to the spirit’s voice and receive spiritual answers and knowledge as we pray. When we read our scriptures we pay attention, ask questions and seek for understanding.   We feel trust and happiness as we pay our tithing.  We don’t just take the sacrament, but we repent, re-set, express devotion to our savior, and receive His grace.’

If we don’t get past the physical side of doing things, we will continually see all the things the Lord asks us to do, as a burden; a demand.  We will continue to go through the physical motions and never get to the spiritual knowledge of what the Lord really wants us to feel, know and do.  What He asks of us is a resource, to enlarge and strengthen us.  Spiritual knowledge saves us and increases our abilities, but we have to do the spiritual work we sometimes unconsciously think of as physical demand; things we have to, “check off” so that we can please the Lord.  Getting to the spiritual element of the things we do fills and strengthens, enlightens and uplifts, but it requires more spiritual effort on our part.

I developed a relationship at an early age with my Heavenly Father.  I didn’t come from a great home life and so I often found myself on my knees seeking for comfort and understanding from deity.  I learned to listen to His voice, love Him and want to please Him as He became my peace; my home.  Right from the beginning of my life I didn’t ever just kneel and say words.  I needed Him and I found Him through prayer.

It was a great blessing to me to have a need created so young that I sought after God early.  But one of the side effects of this home life was fear.  I had a tremendous amount of fear as I grew up.  My Bio, list’s things that I have done that sound impressive but the reality was, was that I was so fearful pretty much all of the time. 

One thing that terrified me to the, “I’m out of my mind point,” was speaking.  I had social skills, I could be friendly and nice but I couldn’t speak about anything that was important to me.  When I was at girls camp and all the girls were bearing their testimonies, I never did, it was terrifying to me!  When I came to BYU and sat in testimony meeting, it was like God was trying to force me to speak; just pouring the spirit down on me.  I would feel the spirit so strongly I would shake and my heart would pound and my hands would sweat but I couldn’t do it.  I was so terrified.  Once when the tour team was on tour in China we had a long bus ride and Lee wanted to have a testimony meeting.  It’s the only time we ever did anything like that and I got so brave, I stood up and tried to speak.  Everything I said sounded awful, I balled and snot was running down my face.  I was so humiliated.  I swore I would never try to bear my testimony again.

But the real story actually starts when I was 17.  That was when I received my patriarchal blessing.  When I heard my blessing and later read it, I thought it was the wrong blessing.  I literally felt it was wrong, I could never be or do all the things it said, because I was opposite of almost everything it said.  One of those things was, “You will never want for words as you bear testimony of Jesus Christ.”  And then it said some other things I would be able to do because of that.

Absolutely never going to happen.  No way could I ever be that.

But God has a sense of humor and since pouring the spirit out on me wouldn’t make me speak, I started being called to serve as a relief society teacher in every student ward I moved too.  I knew whenever I moved to a new student ward I would be called to serve as a relief society teacher and I was.  When I got married, I thought I would never be a relief society teacher again, nope, called to be a relief society teacher.  Finally bought our first house and moved, called to be a relief society teacher.  I was a relief society teacher in 5 wards before I was ever called to do anything else, and then it was a constant rotation of primary teacher and young woman adviser after that.

Because of my relationship with my Heavenly Father I had a strong desire to do God’s will and fulfill my callings well, so I kept working at opening my mouth and he kept giving me those opportunities.  Haha, but I did find my voice and I overcame my fear of speaking eventually, thank goodness.  I realized God could help me be more than I was.

As I listened to the spirit and let it guide me, it lead me to making some hard decisions that changed the course of my life.

Dancing, choreographing, being a soloist, and teaching at BYU, was a dream and I felt so happy doing all of those things.  I had more dreams.  After graduating, I wanted to teach H.S. for a few years, go back and get my master’s and teach at a university.   This burned inside of me.  It was such a part of me.  Looking back I realize I got a lot of my self-esteem for accomplishing things and “looking good” according to the world’s eyes.  I think it’s especially easy to do that when you’re a dancer.  It’s all about looking good, getting a good part, being seen.   (In this day and age, it’s also very easy to live in that place of getting value from the world because of social media and how fast we can view and judge everyone’s lives, and our own lives in comparison.)  I didn’t know better or different, of how to get value, but God wanted me to be better than I was and lead me on the painful path down that road.

I was teaching H.S. when I had my first baby and I felt the whispering's of the spirit tell me to stay home and raise my children.  I was in a dilemma.  I knew God, I loved Him, I was always trying to listen and obey, I repented quickly when I did the wrong thing.  But I really wanted, to my very DNA, to dance, teach and choreograph on a University level.

It was the hardest thing I had ever done, I chose the Lord, quit my job and stayed home.  I pretty much hated it.  It was a refiner’s fire for me.  It took me about 10 years before I liked it and about 15 years for the Lord to change me enough to where I would choose it myself if He said I could do whatever I wanted.   But when the 15 years was done I knew there was nothing better that I could do with my life than raise my children well, and that mothering was the most valiant and valuable profession I could ever aspire too.

But God wasn’t done with me yet, there was more.   I was putting all my energies into serving in the church and serving my family. But secretly in my deep sub-conscious, I was still trying to get value from the world and hoped I could have some leadership calling in the church, or something.  But no, I was a teacher endlessly.  After 7 years in our first home, we built and moved into our dream home.  I was a primary teacher for 9 years out of the first 12 years we lived there.  I kind of became mad at God, at that point.  I remember crying, “Can’t I do anything else, can’t I ever be a leader or in charge of something:  Can’t I ever have something important to do?”  God told me, “No!”  I felt his words express, “You have to learn where your value comes from, and it’s not from any visual thing you do or accomplish.”

That led me to not just fine tuning in my life, but major dial changing.  I had to find out where true value comes, because I wasn’t going to get it from any big calling in the church, I wasn’t going to get it from any great career, and I was miserable trying too.  God would not allow me down that easy path.  I could not get value from the world at all, because I was nothing to the world.  I felt like my “current bush” wasn’t being pruned, it was being ripped out by the roots.  Talk about a refining fire.

It took two years.  It was miserable.  (Why does it take me years to learn life-changing things?)  Anyway, The Lord is patient and kind, and I came out of it with absolute knowledge that my value comes internally from who I am as a child of God.  It doesn’t matter what people think about you, say about you, or feel about you.  It only matters what God thinks and feels.  I knew it to my DNA, and I became very aware that I didn’t need to do anything sensational to be of worth. Of course, God having the sense of humor he does, called me to be the Young Women’s President, right when I felt great about not having a demanding calling. But I knew I only needed to please God and I knew I was of great worth to Him and so I was at peace.

I was also full of hope.  We didn’t have an easy life raising our children.  Everything didn’t happen perfectly because we were trying to serve God.  But we felt hopeful always that we could solve problems and move forward. But again God had a refiner’s fire in store. 

I have to admit when we were called to serve as Mission Presidents to WA.  I had a perfect plan of how it would be and what would happen with my children.  I had two children who were coming home from missions and I had the vision of our other three children serving missions while we served and it would be perfect.  They would all find great spouses and get married.  We would be financially blessed. Etc. etc.  It was going to be so perfect.

Pretty much none of that happened.  While we served all of our children struggled.  Only one more child went on a mission and he had a horrible experience with his physical health and a mission president that, he felt, didn’t seem to understand or care to help him.  He developed depression and anxiety and came home for a back surgery that ended up not working and then dealing with some severe anxiety that was debilitating.  He eventually left the church and turned on us for a few years and it was brutal.

We had another son who came to understand he was gay when he went through puberty and while living in WA decided to live that life style.  His life has been pretty much a nose dive since that decision.  That world has a lot of drugs and sex that surround it and he became addicted to meth, among other things.

These were two great young men, and all this happened while we served a mission. 

[In our eyes these two boys are still great.  We love them so much and getting them through the last few years has been another refining fire that has been life changing for me.  But through it all I have learned that God really does love us no matter what we do, because I love them no matter what they do.]

When we got home things didn’t get any better, as a matter of fact they got worse.  My mother was dying of cancer.  Our family couldn’t take care of her so that fell to me once I got home.  I cared for my mother for 3 weeks while she struggled to die.  It was sacred but amazingly hard.

I took over the care of my father who had Parkinson’s.  I got him into a new assisted living facility, took him to multiple doctor’s visits, dissolved their estate, rented out and managed his condo to pay for his expenses, and started to manage his medication daily.

Don got Parkinson’s disease, we had no job and our finances weren’t good and we needed to sale our home and move.

This all happened within about the first 6 weeks of being home and I learned that traumatic events can cause depression as I fell into a depression that changed me in ways I didn’t know what was happening to me.

As I struggled to understand God’s plan for our family and how so many things could go wrong when we were giving our all to the Lord, I heard God’s voice many times.  I admit I wasn’t perfectly trusting and believing at this time, but the voice told me over and over again to hold on and he would get me there.  That He knew what I needed more than I knew what I needed and I should trust him.  So I held on the best I could.

At this time I read a book by Neil A. Maxwell called “Not My Will, But Thine”, (The Christ like path of submission to God’s will).   He said something that hit me so hard, “Faith is strongest when it is without illusion”.  This speaks to my very heart and soul.  He says in these few words what I would try to say in volumes and still not speak very well about.  It seems to me my whole life is being wrapped around this principle.  “Faith is strongest when it is without illusion.”

It’s easy to have faith when prayers are answered, you can see blessings, things fall into place like you think they will.  Yes, I had trials and challenges, definitely.  But I faced them, worked on them, prayed for help, and got through them, and learned stuff along the way.  Elder Maxwell calls that kind of life, K-12, lessons and experiences.  In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, “We undergo afflictions such as are common to man”.  That was what I think I was living; afflictions that were common to man.  But Elder Maxwell says, “God will deliberately give us further lessons and experience which take us beyond the curriculum common to man and on into uncommon graduate studies or even post-doctoral discipleship.  These trials are often the most difficult to bear.”

I feel like that!  I am not in elementary school anymore. I know God wanted to get me past, “Faith, because it all works out perfectly”, to “Faith without illusion; that I know God, trust Him and Love Him when it all doesn’t work out perfectly.”

That is how I feel today.  I know God lives.  He does answer prayers.  We need to see the blessings he offers, even when it’s not the blessing we long for. He has a sacred honor to protect all of our free agency and he won’t take that away from anyone, but can we still see the work He is doing in our life, the blessings He is giving?  We must see His hand and recognize his voice even in tremendous pain and sorrow.  

His way is The Way.  Our way is just A way.  And our way will not get us to that place of divine potential we aspire too.  The decision’s I made all along the way to follow God changed me.  I saw things in my Patriarchal blessing being full filled and coming to pass the entire time.  I was amazed.  God really can make us more than what we can make of our self and our patriarchal blessings can come to pass.

But there was still one thing in that blessing that I could never really see happening.

Then I had my eyes opened.  Over the last 7 years God had been working on that too, and I hadn’t even recognized it.  We were called to serve as mission presidents and worked with huge numbers of missionaries while our mission was being split and then during the age change.  We figured we worked with 600-700 missionaries while we were on our mission.  And then watched them go out and work with hundreds of people influencing them for good.

When we came home we were called to serve as a Branch President at the MTC and have worked with hundreds of missionary’s in the last 3 ½ years and have watched them go out and work with hundreds of people.  We have been teaching mission prep to BYU students for 3 years and have taught hundreds of students who have then gone out and influenced hundreds of people for good. 

So, now as I read my blessing, I am amazed that it wasn’t wrong.  Every one of those things have come true.   That is such an amazing feeling, and worth every bit of self you have to give up to have.

At the time I thought I was making such hard, painful sacrifices.  But getting through all of that and being on the other side of it, I am gratefully aware that God’s plan is better.  What I wanted for my life would have never created the lesson’s I needed to get me past myself and onto something better.

I also recognize none of this could have happened for me without personal revelation.  Because as I look back I realize the pivotal moment for me wasn’t when I decided to give up my dream and stay home with my children, or accepting a teaching calling that terrified me, it was earlier than that.  It was when I was a BYU student and I heard the voice of the spirit say, “Do your visiting teaching every month no matter how busy you are. Full filling your calling is the best use of your time.”  And I did it, every month no matter how crazy busy I was.  It was also when I heard the voice of the spirit tell me to stay clean and worthy of the spirit as I dated, and I did.

Following God starts with the little things.  And if you do those things he will get you to the big refiner’s fires in your life that will change you deeply into what your patriarchal blessing says you can be. 

I think of all those stake conferences, zone conferences, mission conferences, women’s conferences, etc that I had to speak at on our mission, and all the sacrament meeting talks, new missionary training's, and Sunday afternoon training's at the MTC and all those mission prep classes we’ve taught and guess what?    I was never really nervous during any of that.  That is like a miracle.  I learned what God wanted me to know; I only need to please Him, and because of that, I never want for words as I bear testimony of Jesus Christ. 

My main message is:

Listen to the spirit, Obey that voice above all others, stay with Him no matter how hard life gets, and you will become more than you ever thought possible, but what God knows is possible. 

Christ heals broken things.

I kind of copped out on that last post I wrote.  I didn’t really tell you how believing in Christ, professing Christ, or thanking God for Christ is not enough, from my own experience.  I learned more than I ever had before about turning towards Christ and using His atonement while we were on our mission.  I have spoken about it in previous blog posts.  I felt knowledge exponentially grow within me of how Christ’s atonement is a power to heal me spiritually, sometimes even physically.  On my mission, it strengthened me daily as I called on the atoning blood of Jesus Christ to worry for me, make me calm, make me brave, make me get out of bed, make me keep moving, stay awake while driving, free me from guilt of not doing more, being more, and accomplishing more.  I called on Christ’s power to hold my irritation from having a leaky faucet I couldn’t get fixed for 4 months, too, burnt rolls for a luncheon.  I needed more power than I possessed at the time and it made me have to learn Christ.  Being so vulnerable made me have to learn how to Come, Seek, and Turn to Him.  And I did.

I used Christ for everything I needed so I could have a free heart; free to be filled with the opposite of what my natural woman was feeling; calm instead of irritated, energy instead of tired, brave instead of nervous, comfort instead of worry, peace instead of guilt.  I could write volumes about how life changing this knowledge; that I could use Christ’s atonement for whatever I needed instantly, came to be for me. 

So this is great to talk about, but what does it have to do with my previous blog post?  The thing is I coped out by not saying the truth. I have learned something different since the mission, because when I came home I couldn’t, I didn’t, and I haven’t.   I couldn’t use His atonement to make me be strong, get up and go, love everything, serve everyone.  I felt guilty about that.  I knew how to use Christ to help me be more, “I should be doing that”.  But I couldn’t, I was in too much pain.

It wasn’t coming home that caused all the pain and suffering.  It was everything that happened because of coming home that broke me.  I felt like I was pieces of myself and I didn’t know where I had gone, or what happened.  I kept asking myself what was wrong with me.  I found out about 18 months later that you can develop depression from traumatic events, and that rang true for me. 

When we came home in just one month we moved, we lost our job and had no source of income, I took care of my mother while she died, Don developed Parkinson’s, I got my father into an assisted living facility, dissolved my parents estate, and faced living with the tragedy of what happened to my twin boys, all in about 30 days.  It was so brutal.  And then the hard things kept coming even after that.

Why couldn’t I use Christ’s atoning power to just heal me automatically for good?  I admit there have been lots of times I thought, “Oh good, I’m back, I feel more normal.”  But then I couldn’t hold on to it.  It was like 2 steps forward and one step back for a long time, like years. 

In the last three years: I didn’t know if God knew me anymore, if he had a plan for me, if he loved me, or would bless me.  I had whisperings of thoughts that killed my hope all the time. To be honest, thoughts about God’s integrity.  I felt we had sacrificed and worked so hard and He didn’t bless us.  I felt he had given a promise that if we took care of the missionaries, he would take care of our children, and he didn’t. I had lots of why questions.  I hated them, but I couldn’t stop them.

Looking at it now, I think God had a different path for me.  He has shown me a different way to Christ than what I knew before.  I have seen His hand in miraculous ways over the last three years.  Could I have had that happen if I was magically healed and made strong right away?  Three years of struggle is a whole different path then being healed in 3 days! 

This long process of seeing myself more clearly; who I am and who I’m not, has been one more painful thing added to the list.  But it has also made me see who my savior is and who he isn’t as I have felt him work with me, be patient with me, and whisper to me.

My experience on my mission was Christ’s atonement can heal us quickly, strengthen us immediately, take away, hold, or even create a barrier instantaneously.

My experience coming home from my mission was Christ’s atonement can heal us over time, strengthen us in layers, take away the poison in my soul, hold the pain, and create a barrier of protection between me and spirit sucking thoughts, gradually.  Gradually because of me, not because of Him.  Gradually because some things take time. 

Gradual is a different path and as I look back my heart is so full of gratitude, love and something else that is indescribable.  It is like knowledge.  Knowledge of god’s goodness, his amazing patience, His gentle kindness.  I haven’t been easy the last few years.  But I look back and know He stayed with me.  He hasn’t condemned me for asking, He hasn’t whipped me for my doubts, fears, or disappointments.  He hasn’t been hard on me because I was in so much pain I couldn’t be strong.

I know His character in a different way now, because of the gradual, layers of knowledge and healing. 

This knowledge has forced me to look back on my life and see Him more clearly in past times too.  Christ’s Atonement was always blessing me, but it was in ways I didn’t really understand.  When I was young, crying over being hit or screamed at, He was there.  When I was a starving student paying my way through college, He was there.  All the times I struggled in my marriage, He was there.  When I had 5 children in 6 years and was busy way beyond my own strength, He was there. 

I look back and feel amazed at all these hard things in my life that I got through pretty well.  As I have come to know my savior and my Heavenly Father more intimately through these last 3 years I recognize they were always there helping me throughout my life, I just didn’t know it.

Whenever you are in the depths, trying, God is there, whether you know it or not. 

I thought I knew God when we went on our mission.  I thought I was pretty much there spiritually.  But then God showed me so much more while we served.  I came to know God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in such a more intimate, powerful way while he made us capable of serving. 

I thought God was done when we came home; he had shown me all He had, and I was pretty much there spiritually.  Now I look back and I know I was just getting started.  I have learned so much more from this gradual, layer filled, painful process of coming to know all He can do. 

He can heal broken things.  He can put all our pieces back together.  He can give us incredible light and knowledge that helps us see into the eternities.  I don’t worry anymore.  He will keep all of His promises.  He will give us sight.  He will help us walk.  He saves us.  He has saved me over and over.

My perspective is death is not the end.  This life is not the end all, be all, to our living.  God will wipe away our tears, and turn all things to our good.

Believing in Christ is great.  But what is even better is knowing Him!  How does He work in your life right now?  How is He loving you?  How is He healing you?  What is He speaking to you?  What is He trying to get you to do, or not do?  What does He want you to know? 

He is communicating.  He is working.  Will you open up your heart and mind to see Him, not just when your running on all cylinders, but when you’re not?  Because He is still there.  He is not just powerful in those times to make you rise and meet life head on, full of energy and strength, making you better and capable.  He is also there when you are broken, holding on and just surviving. 

So my message is:

Christ’s power is real.  He is real.  A vague profession of belief won’t due.  Whatever phase of life you’re in, where ever your journey has taken you, whether you’re on top of the world with faith and conversion, or if you’re at the bottom mired in the pain of sin and regret, or anywhere else in between, His power to heal you, speak to you, and love you is real.  Repent and He will clean, Listen and He will speak, Ask and He will give.  His power atones for all we go through on this personal journey.  It’s intimate, and sacred, and personal to us.  He heals us spiritually when we stay with Him.

Christ is not the end game, but He is the Way.

I haven’t published a blog in a long time.  I’ve been writing off and on, but haven’t posted.  It’s been a long process for me to discover why.  And, now I don’t know where to start.  So I thought I would start with this week.  I hope to overcome and post things from the last three years journey but today is just about today.

Lots of thoughts this week:

First thought. Have you ever come across a person that seems to have a block against you?  You don’t know why, but it feels like they are constantly making you wrong?  Or have you ever been a person who doesn’t like someone and you can’t help but interpret them in negative way?  I would imagine the answer is, YES.

My thought is, to really see right and wrong, truth and error, isn’t that easy.  It feels natural to me that we see things according to our own way; what makes us justified, blame free, or right.  To ever see anything different from that way, we must have some kind of spiritual transformation.  The reason why is, it’s just so easy to see ourselves right in every situation.  The natural man inside of us just pulls at us to make everyone wrong and ourselves right.  So seeing correctly can be difficult.  It’s easier to just see things according to the world and our own story.

I think the world also makes it difficult to see right and wrong, truth and error, because the natural man wants comfort, easy, and safe.  The worlds messages are usually always about obtaining and living in a place of comfort, ease and safety.  So truth can be difficult to find.

My thought is we must be clean and worthy of God’s spirit to see HIS TRUTH, HIS RIGHT.  Being clean and worthy of His spirit gives us the chance to See clearly.

Second Impression. Knowing Christ is not enough.  Christ is not the end game.  He is the Way.  But the way to what? 

The end game s to live with God again; to be a person who COULD live and WOULD WANT to live with him.  Christ is the vehicle to becoming that person.  Knowing about Christ’s atonement, believing in Him and what He did is awesome, but that is just the gift box still wrapped, with the ribbon still intact.  It’s a wasted gift.  Coming unto Christ is all about unwrapping and using the gift of His atonement.  And using the gift of His atonement is all about becoming Holy; which is not and never will be a passive belief or knowing, it is a very active, alive, agent based process.

My thought is this, repenting of sin is just the first, basic step.  I feel there is a whole lot of unholy going on inside of us and me, that isn’t really thought of as sin.  Angry, Mad, Irritated, Frustrated, Hate, Envy, Fear, even things like Regret, Hurt and Pain take us/me away from feeling and being filled with the Spirit of God.  Yet they aren’t normally considered sin, or things we need to repent of.

Our Savior’s doesn’t want us to just profess belief, know about Him, or only use His Atonement for “obvious sin”.  He wants us to use Him to Become as He Is.  Which means we must get to the point where we, “love our enemies, (or even just love our family members), do good to those who hate you and pray for those which despitefully use you, and persecute you. That you may be a child of God.” Matt 5.

We must suffereth long and be kind,  envieth not, is not puffed up, seeketh no her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, bear, believe, hope and endure all things.  Moroni 7.

My experience is all this is impossible!  My guess is all of us are not these things.  That is why knowing Christ is not enough.  Believing in Him is not enough.  We must Use Him; we must ask God to apply Christ atoning blood so that we may not only be forgiven of our sins, but that our hearts may be purified. Mosiah 4.

When our hearts are purified we can be loving when we’re hurt, (we don’t do that on our own), we can be kind when we are mistreated, (we don’t do that on our own), we can be comforted when we are full of grief, peaceful in times of trial, happy in others success, humble when we are wrong.  How hard is that!  We need a Savior to save us from all of this natural man stuff that so easily besets us.  But it’s not just professing or belief. 

We must use our Savior’s atoning sacrifice to purify us so that we can reach the end game.  A heart that can live in God’s presence; a heart that wants nothing that isn’t pure or holy.  Only God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit can get us there and we must be an active participant.  We can’t just “sit” in our anger, frustration and pain and stay there.  We must move, using our savior, and come out of it.

My third realization comes from D&C 59: 12-14.  Verse 12-“Remember the Lord’s Day……..”  Verse 13-“……..do no other thing,… with singleness of heart that thy fasting may be perfect, or, in other words, that thy joy may be full.”

Have you ever thought of fasting and joy together in the same sentence?  Yes, it said that.  “Joy may be full” is another way of saying, “fasting may be perfect”.

Verse 14-“Verily, this is fasting and prayer, or in other words, rejoicing and prayer.”  Yes, it said, fasting and rejoicing are the same thing.

Have you ever thought of fasting as being a rejoicing experience?

To be honest, I would have to say none of the time did I start a fast feeling joy and rejoicing at the thought of fasting.  {There is that natural man again.}

I think when I feel really spiritual, really bonded, really close to God I have felt Joy and Rejoicing as synonyms of Fasting, so I know that can happen.  But most of the time I do it because it’s a commandment and I want to obey.   And I am super happy when it’s over and I love the blessings I gained from it.  After it’s over! 

My learning is, when you want good, love righteousness, desire all those spiritual feelings and spiritual blessings that come when fasting, and you want them more than you want food or water, then you will think of fasting as joyful and rejoice to do it. 

My next thought is I need my savior for that too.

To conclude.  All three of these thoughts came to me at different times during the week, but I feel the message to me was the same.  I can see a natural man inside of me and if I want to overcome the natural man I have to actively not be OK with his presence.  I have to ask, seek, knock, cry, empty, wash, see, listen, reject, invite, stand, kneel, open, push, etc. etc. etc. 

Basically, “Becoming” is such an active, verb based process.

Self as Others. It's a life changing way of seeing your world.

I recently went to a 3-day seminar where true leadership was part of the training.  For me to really grasp the content it took hours, if not days.  Then I have had to live with myself for weeks to really recognize how these insights apply to my life.  Since I am really slow and stubborn, and you’re not, I believe that sharing this bit of understanding in a page is going to be super effective for you!

Is this typical or what:

You’re in the back and wished you had that great “spot” in the front?  

Feeling frustrated because people ask questions about “dumb stuff that isn’t even important, and now you’re wasting time on unimportant stuff!”? 

What about being with a group of friends or co-workers and you’re totally unaware of what’s going on in their lives or how they are doing?

Or, gone to Zumba and realized that….. “Gee I have been doing Zumba in this Monday class off and on for 2 years with you all and I don’t even know one of your names?” 

Not to mention thinking your way is best so, “what in the world are YOU thinking!”

And, “Man that driver is so stupid, pulling in front of me and slowing down.”

Also that general feeling of irritation over waiting for someone, listening to someone, having to watch someone, driving someone or anything else you didn’t want to do for someone.

And could we go on?  Yes!

It’s all kind of laughable.  I can see us all running around in our fast, spontaneous, over achieving little world, yelling about all of these ways others are putting us out.  “How dare you make me wait for a few seconds because you pulled in front of me and it cost me one second of my time, I had to actually touch my brake.”  “How dare you talk to that person in line ahead of me and slow your ability to check me out faster.”  ETC.!

It’s typical.  And if you just pay attention for a few days, you’ll notice even more stinky stuff that has to do with how you relate to the people in your 5 foot circle world.

(If you’re saying, “No, not me”, pay attention.  You may change your mind.)

I am not just bringing this up to pain us or laugh at us, I actually have learned something about this I am dying to give away, and it’s that wonderful.

It all started last Friday, (actually I wrote this weeks ago but refuse to do anymore editing), when I was in my first day of the Landmark seminar.  The forum leader started talking right off the bat about how, “We are the group.” (I was a deer in the head light thinking, what does that even mean, we are the group?  It’s not even good grammar.  He talked about it for an hour and I still felt the same way about it.)  Then he said something about being, “Self as others.” (What in the world does that mean?  And that still is not good grammar!)  Then he talked about, “We are all the same, no matter our language, color of skin, or body type.” (I got that one).  I related it to we are all children of God and so I felt like, Oh yea I got this.  Then he said, “I am you, and you are me”, then I was back to, “I don’t get it”.  He talked this way for quite a while.  Then he started in on true leadership means you effect the group. It’s not just good enough for you to be here, sitting in your chair, all about yourself.  (I was like, I just got here, don’t blame me, I don’t even know these people).  It’s not just enough for you to be about your own learning and state of being, it’s not enough for you to just be glad you filled your assignment, it’s not enough that you’re on time.  It’s all about did you affect the people around you to learn, fulfill assignments and be on time.  True leadership is about you affecting the people around you.  You are not successful until others are successful.  You don’t achieve until others achieve. 

I eventually heard and understood his words, in my mind, and eventually I thought they sounded great too, but I didn’t really understand in my heart enough to go out and start changing the world around me.  I call it head learning; my heart wasn’t transforming but my brain understood the concepts.  “I am you, you are me.”  “We can’t be successful unless all of us are successful.”  “We are the group, you are not just an individual.” Etc. I got it.  But it didn’t mean I started doing anything different.  I still just sat there and listened.

Then he talked about individuals make up partnerships, make up families, make up groups, make up communities, make up societies, make up the world.  It all starts with the individual, to be able to effect any kind of group, community or the world. 

At one point he actually asked me!  “What have you done to show true leadership in this room today?”   I was like, “Who me?  What are you taking about, I am just a little guy, here to listen and learn for myself, don’t bother me with others.  I don’t have the energy for that.  I’m just sittin here minding my own business, leave me alone.” 

Of course I didn’t say all of that, I’m no dummy.  I was just silently thinking it.  Now just stick with me here.

Throughout the next three days the group leader kept going around and asking what we had done to show true leadership that day.  How had we lifted and raised the level of the group. What had we done to make the group more effective, more powerful, and more confident? And he didn’t just talk about it!  He gave us an object lesson that took days.  This is what he did to actually affect change in us:  He wasn’t nice!  He demanded that we were all on time and helping others be on time too, and if we weren’t, we all paid the price.  You could tell he didn’t care if we liked him, and I wasn’t not liking him to much at all.    He wouldn’t teach us anything, (we paid good money and we all wanted to learn and he wouldn’t teach), and then he would go on and on for hours talking about our inability to effect change in our individual lives because we weren’t effecting change in our group.  FOR HOURS!  Oh my gosh!  Hours of confronting us, holding our feet to the fire about what we weren’t doing to help each other.  And it took hours for us to get that we need to be intense with each other; forceful, fighting mad so to speak.  At one point he said, “You Utah people are way too nice, you’re so afraid of being socially correct that you can’t demand anyone change.”  That hurt.

But eventually we got it.  The group became all of us. We demanded everyone to be on time, with assignments done and we all made sure of it.  We got each other’s phone numbers and called each other.  We held everyone accountable to have their assignments done.  By all of us holding each other accountable literally everyone; all 120 participants were 20 min early.  I’ve never seen that before in my life!  We were a nervous wreck if someone was only 10 min early.  We all paid the price if everyone didn’t complete their assignments so we were all texting each other to find out if anyone needed help.  No one left early either.  It was an amazing experience in how true leadership doesn’t back down, holds people accountable, expects integrity in all things, (actually, more like demands integrity) and is bold and direct.   He didn’t care if we liked him, he cared that we changed.  He loved us and wanted our growth more than he wanted us to love him.

I have to admit I am a pleaser, fixer, meet people’s expectations kind of girl, so I caught on real fast that I need to get out of my comfort; “me only”, zone and do what he was asking.  So I went through the motions, doing what he expected. But remember what I said about things take me a long time.  So yea.  I got the specifics of what the expectation of action was, but I was still going through the motions. Essentially I hadn’t changed, I was just performing out of fear. 

Until half way through the last day.  We had been talking for an hour on something I did not want to talk about.  It was frustrating.  A guy kept asking questions that I felt was not important to what was pertinent.  I was not feeling very patient.  It was that, “Quit asking dumb stuff”, kind of attitude.  Then our Forum leader said, “Ok, are we good, everyone got it?  Let’s go on.”  I whispered under my breath, “Thank goodness, were finally going to get on with it.”  My cute little group leader sitting next to me whispered, “Melonie, self as others remember?  If someone in the group needed that and got something out of it, then we all got something out of it.  We are the group.”

Man that shot into my heart like a lazer.  I am the group!  I am no better or worse than anyone else.  If they need it, I need it!  I am just a unit in the whole. And this whole doesn’t lift, raise or increase if even one unit of the whole isn’t lifting, raising or increasing.  If they are successful, I am successful! If they hurt, then I hurt!  I am connected in a fundamental way to everyone around me; equally and completely.  We have a common fundamental thread of humanity.  We are ALL Children of God.  I am the group.  For the first time in my life, I saw myself not as an individual, but as just a part of the whole.  I had a powerful heart change.

So this is the rest of the story:

I woke up Monday morning after the seminar, late for Zumba (as I expressed in my earlier post), and headed off feeling really good.  I was on fire for all the great things I had learned over the weekend. 

As I got to Zumba I felt energy and freedom and so happy to be there.  As I started zumba-ing,  I heard the normal voice inside me saying, “Rats I’m late so I don’t have a front spot.”  (I hate being in the back).  Then I realized from my great training over the weekend, “NO, if she’s in the front, it’s just like you are in the front.”  We are the group. 

Then I heard the normal voice say, “I wish I had a better spot so I could see.”  I reminded myself that if she has a good spot, then I have a good spot.

It changed me so much to actually apply the thing I had learned in my everyday life.  I felt so glad that the girl in the front, had the front, and that the girl right in front of me had a better spot and could see.  I felt amazing.

Then I again realized that it isn’t enough for me to be feeling good.  That’s meaningless.  I have to effect this community and little world around me for good.  “But how am I going to do that?”  How do I take others with me in a Zumba class?  I was brave, this is what I did.  After the next set of songs there was a break in the music.  I actually started turning and yelling with my hands in the air, “We are so amazing!”  I even jumped up and down.  It was a little ridiculous but everyone started laughing and the whole room felt more friendly and energized. 

During the next break, after the next set of songs I started jumping again, (I couldn’t help it I felt so much amazing energy).   I yelled, “We are having the biggest victory, coming to Zumba early on a Monday morning!”  They all started jumping and yelling too.  The energy in the room again increased.  We were all yelling and jumping.  It was great. 

At the end we all were talking about how much fun we had and how great the teacher was.  And I understood.  True leadership means you take people with you.  It’s not enough for you “to be”, you have to help others “to be” also. 

And then the class ended and I looked around and sadly thought to myself, “I have been coming to Zumba off and on for two years now and I don’t even know one of your names.”  That was eye opening.

I realized one more thing.  I have been silently saying to strangers, “You all cost too much energy for me to talk to you.”  So I haven’t been extending myself very well since being home from the mission.  All my energy was going into surviving.  Even when I started feeling better, I think I was sub-consciously protecting my energy and just wouldn’t extend myself. 

But this day was different.  I was different.  I didn’t have to tell myself to do it.  I didn’t have to talk myself into anything.  I wanted to know these women who have been dancing next to me, so I talked to them, I asked them their names. I was unreasonable.  (That’s means I wasn’t doing my normal reasonable that keeps me the same.)  I talked, smiled, extended and it felt great.  It was amazing

Ok so I wrote that about a month ago.  Since then I have tried to become more aware of seeing myself as others, and I have learned a lot. 

My main take-aways are:

When I see others success as my own I feel so amazingly different.  It’s hard to explain, but it changes me instantly.  When someone else’s children are experiencing success, that’s my success.  When someone’s house or yard is clean and beautiful, that’s my success.  When someone else is getting a good education, a great job, a promotion, an award, the best spot, that is all of our success.  We are the group.  We are together.  We are not against each other.  We are not to compare or compete.  That is a barrier.  True leadership elevates others.  God’s way is truly that love that sees us as each other.  Self as Others.  We are the group.

This is the most life changing way of seeing people.

When I see myself as the group I no longer feel mad about the guy who just cut me off and then went slow, or the work and sacrifices I make that I don’t receive credit for, or even scared to write a blog post.  I am just a part in the whole. 

And it’s never enough for me to just be feeling and doing good. My improvement is really unimportant if it doesn’t translate into others improvement too.  True leadership is Godly work.  It means you are not successful if others are not successful.  If I don’t spread energy, confidence, ability, kindness, acceptance, and any other good thing, then it was kind of a waste.   Because it’s not about you, it’s about seeing your place in the whole and then lifting it; the partnership, the family, the group, the community, the society, the world.   You are an individual part in a whole.  What will you do to effect that whole?

I am not perfect at this.  But I love it and I want to continue to invite it to become a part of me.  It’s a beautiful way of being. 

Self as Others.

I am the group.  

Because I say so!

I woke up Monday morning and realized two things. 

Both things came from some training I received over the weekend at a seminar called Landmark. 

The first thing was what my language had done to me in the last twelve hours.  I was late for Zumba, and I had eaten a whole lot of chocolate covered raisins and peanut better pretzels the night before.  Both things I wasn’t too pleased about and they had happened simply because of words I had said to myself.  I said, “Wow you have gotten to bed so late the last three nights you should sleep in and not set your alarm.”  And the night before I said the words, “Wow you haven’t had any sugar for 4 days so you deserve to eat whatever’s available and it’s late and that’s what’s available so you get to eat that.”  I say things and then I have to live with the fallout from them, and then I say more stuff like, “What were you thinking?”  And it all started because I said the words.  I said so, so it was so.

The reason why this is important is because I had an, “ah-ha” moment during the seminar when they were teaching that anything that is real in life is born out of language; not to say it doesn’t exist, but that it becomes real for us through language.  It’s hard to understand, but saying something like, “that is a mountain, a street sign, a ball, etc only makes it so because we have all agreed those words should mean that.”  Even abstract things like I’m cold, hot, hungry, angry, etc is born out of language.  They exist but the actual words used to describe anything has arisen out of language.  Even the story I tell myself from, “what happened”, isn’t really real.  None of it is real.  It only becomes real once we attach language to it to describe it, tell it, and explain it to ourselves.  And when we are unhappy, afraid, or mad, boy do we tell it, over and over again using words we choose to make it real for ourselves. 

You may be thinking, “So what?”  Well, it’s actually very powerful.  I am the author of the words I use.  I “borned” them, or created them, or birthed them, or whatever word you prefer.  I like, “borned”.  And they are just words.  The words themselves don’t mean anything except for the value or symbol I have given to them. 

Something about understanding this has changed me.  They are just words.  “I don’t have enough money”, is just words, “I am tired”, is just words, “I can’t write in my blog, it won’t be good”, is just words.  People, they are just words!  They don’t even mean anything except for what I tell them to mean.  I have had a huge shift in thinking.  This understanding has made change seem so doable and easy.  I am the author of the words I use.  The meaning behind those words only have the power I give them.  They only mean what I create them to mean.

So when I got up and thought about the words I used and what I created because of them it was a powerful moment.  I can change words easily!  In the, “I’m late for Zumba” because I said the words, “It’s ok for me to sleep in”, moment, I decided to say the words, “its ok, I’m going to Zumba anyway”. And I went because I chose some different words.  Yesterday when I had the thought, “I just want to eat a whole lot of ice cream”, I thought, “I know how this works, I’m just going to change the words”, so I said, “I am going to eat a piece of gum, I love gum.”  Because I said it, I did it.  The only thing that is real is what I say is real.

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I wrote that a few days ago and have been paying attention to my language and the meaning I attach to the words ever since, and I have to admit I am struggling.  I want to be powerful in my life where I always do what I know will bring me the greatest meaning, purpose, freedom and confidence.  I have wanted to watch TV and eat an entire half gallon of ice cream all day, just because I set a ton of goals this morning, and ever since I have been STRUGGLING!!  I have been forcing myself to keep going and getting the things done I set out to do and have been practicing saying more powerful words all along the way.  But what a struggle. 

What I have realized from this is that I have a strong way of being that fights against me being different.  I set goals to get the laundry done, clean the house, correct student’s lesson plans, eat healthy, write and post a blog entry.  Not that being busy is out of the ordinary but my state of being is freaking out for some reason.  It must have been the blog post idea.  I can hear the words all day long saying, “you’re tired you should take a nap, wouldn’t it be great to just sit and read a book, you don’t really want to write anything that takes up to much energy, I just want to watch a movie and eat ice cream!” 

Oh my gosh, my state of being is having a huge rebellion and fire hosing me with words of inability and weakness.

I am determined I will prevail!

I will finish correcting my lesson plans tonight and post a blog post tonight!  No matter what!  Because I say so!!!!

HHHMMMMM.  How is that for being in charge of the creation of my own language? 

…………....(So I said I wanted to write about two things but I will write about the other thing tomorrow.  And I will write another post tomorrow, no matter what because I say so!  So there.  That is really kicking my old self in the behind and using different words!)  Love it!!  I feel so much better.  I’m going to push the button now and feel awesome.

Grateful in all things

Gratitude is a form of repentance.

I’ve learned a lot about gratitude the last 4 years.  The things that happened to us surrounding our mission and after coming home have been my continual teacher.  It all started on the mission when so many hard things were happening with our family that I couldn’t see blessings.  I started to pray hard that I could, “Please let me see the blessings.”  Over time I realized I wasn’t necessarily receiving the blessings I wanted, but I was still being blessed; Meghan and Mitch moved out of our basement, but we were able to rent the basement, Ryan had to quit his job to finish his last year of classes which was stressful with a wife and baby, but we were able to give him a job doing yard work with the money we got from rent, Nathan was nose diving and we had no idea why, but we found out it was drugs and got him into a treatment center, we had two boys fall away from the church, but Meghan and Marissa got pregnant and two beautiful baby girls joined our family, etc.

At this time as I tried to focus on the blessings, it was an exercise of my mind to express gratitude and not think of the hard thing that was causing pain or stress.  As I expressed gratitude for blessings I always felt like it was a conduit to heaven.  The minute I started to place myself in a state of thanks I would immediately feel instant heaven.  It taught me a lot.  I was amazed at what gratitude could do to help me feel instantly changed.

Coming home seemed to continue the pattern.  My mother passed away shortly after we got home, but I was able to care for her for 3 weeks, Don developed Parkinson’s, but he is still doing well, I wanted Don to get a normal job or a real estate project, didn’t happen, but we have experienced miracles where our finances are concerned, etc.  Again it was such an exercise of faith for me.  I was in a world of hurt but kept trying to look for the blessings and expressing thanks. 

I can relate to Moroni, when he is talking about Alma’s experience, when they were put under bondage in the wilderness.  Here Alma is going against king Noah and all the other wicked priests and following after Abinadi. He is trying to do what is right, he is sacrificing his safety and comfort to bring others closer to Christ.  You would think God would make it easy and they would be blessed.  But instead they are found and put in bondage. 

Moroni says in Mos 23: 21-23 about Alma’s situation; the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and faith…..yet-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day….for they were brought into bondage and none could deliver them but the Lord….

It tells me that trials are a very specific tool used to help us see and know God.  Think about it.  If everything was easy in our lives, we would never feel the need for a Savior, the gospel, or the need to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer.  Trials put us in a state of vulnerability which makes us a little more tender and open; seeking and searching for understanding, comfort and strength.  It drives us to our knees with more intention and purpose; seeking our Heavenly Fathers assistance.

Times like these give our God a chance to show himself.  We come to know God in our extremities.

In the next chapter Alma himself talks about what God promised them, “…….I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me here after, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”  He is saying, “You will have trials, and if you will stay with me through it, you’ll come out knowing me better and being able to witness of me.

It’s the same way with Ammon.  In Alma 26:35, Ammon is expressing his profound gratitude to God for all those trials and sacrifice they went through on their 15 year mission, “we have suffered all manner of afflictions that we might be the means of saving some souls….” 

Ammon says perfectly what happened to them because they stuck with God, had faith in Him through it all, and were able to see the blessings even though they suffered and everything didn’t make perfect sense; Alma 26:35, now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my god; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.

What I see in that verse is amazing.  They had these trials, they suffered, God saw fit to try their patience, and some of their people even died.  And because of it they came to know their God profoundly; intimately.  So much so that they described him as – “all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being even unto salvation……” but,

It takes humility and repentance to come to that kind of knowledge.

The very same sentence he adds, “….to those who will repent and believe on his name.”

I think it is hard to be humble.  That may just be me, but I think it's hard to be soft and open when your in the middle of trials!  But it is the answer that will solve problems, it brings the ability to hear the answers God is communicating and the willingness to believe and follow those answers.

This is the important part.  Repentance comes from the Greek words: meta=change of form, and noval=mind, knowledge, spirit, breath, (meaning life).    When we change our form to be in a state of gratitude we are actually repenting.  The natural man is never grateful!  The natural man is an enemy to God.  He can’t feel the spirit in his state of seeking the will of his flesh, his way and his expectations.

Gratitude as a state of repentance means change from the natural way.  It is not easy amidst pain, doubt, confusion, and hurt to repent! To be grateful!  Yet what God promises is that if we will be humble and repent he will show His power to us and we will come to know him.  This knowledge isn’t free.  There is a price to know God.

What I know is that this is true.  I have been hearing God say for years, “Hold on I’ll get you there.”

What I know now better, is that He is all power, all wisdom, all understanding and merciful.  He knows a lot more than I do.   And I also know he is very, very patient.  I’m sad he has had to exercise so much patience with me and it has taken me such a long time to stop asking why, and just decide it doesn’t matter.  Gratitude is the step that has gotten me through the pain to the other side. 

I choose faith and trust.  With all my heart I choose God.  When I feel a question forming, I just lay it aside and think, it doesn’t matter, I choose God, I want to live by faith and I don’t care about anything else. 

One more scripture that I feel is perfect when talking about gratitude is,  Alma 26, 29…..if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another--- I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another-I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

What I really feel is no matter how much confusion, darkness or trial there is in life, if we will be humble and create a grateful heart inside, we will be closer to heaven, see more clearly, recognize the miracles and realize we are unprofitable servants as we become more intimately acquainted with God.  Depending on what we go through it may take time to get here, but it's the best feeling in the world to be on the other side, back to simple faith.

Back to Hope

Back to hope.  

I love this title, “Back to Hope.”  It’s the most beautiful Christmas message I could give.  Christ’s entire role was, and is, to give hope; hope to a world, to families and to individuals.  My journey to understanding the hope Christ offers has been intense the last few years.  “Back to Hope”, implies a loss of hope and that is regrettably something that I went through last year, and something I constantly work at keeping this year.  For this Christmas message of hope I need to lay some ground work.  I will do that on speed dial.

I never fully understood hope when it was taught in our Sunday School class when I was young.  I remember thinking, “I don’t get this, why do we even need to teach this.  We all have hope; it’s just a part of life.”  I didn’t understand than how vital hope is to a happy, satisfying life and that hope really can be lost.

About 2 years ago, when we still had about 6 months left on our mission, so many things in our family were going wrong.  We found out the reason Nathan was struggling so much was because of drugs.  Jordan was coming home from his mission because his back pain and anxiety had gotten to a debilitating level.  Meghan and Mitch were not happy living in our basement and wanted to move out, leaving us with no one to take care of our house or yard.  Ryan’s job couldn’t work with his class schedule during his last year of school so he had to quit his job when he was newly married and just had his first child.  And, our basement flooded!

It sounds weird to have all of those things happening at the same time and that’s exactly how we felt, “This is weird!”

Regrettably, I started telling myself a story.  I tried to get rid of it, but the little whisper kept coming into my mind over and over, “God won’t bless Us.”  It sounds like such a simple statement, no big deal.  But it lead to such a feeling of hopelessness.  I fought against the feelings constantly.  I was on my knees constantly.  But the story kept coming into my mind.

Some of the problems worked out.  Our basement was miraculously healed of mold and water damage.  (I wrote about that miracle and this time on the mission in an earlier post titled, God: “I’m here, hold on, you’re going to be ok.”).  We decided to rent the basement and with that money was able to hire Ryan to do yard work so we were able to give him a job.  The move for Mitch and Meghan turned out to be an amazing blessing for them.  But the struggles Na and Jo were having were just scratching the surface and the situation got brutal for us.

I know that, “man does not comprehend all that God comprehends”.  So, I put my trust in the Lord and kept working while we were serving.  I found a prayer that really helped and I prayed it literally 10 times a day, “Please help me see the blessings.”  Again, such a simple statement, but it really helped me so much.  In the mist of huge trials I had my eyes opened to the little blessings that were there.

Health to Jordan and Nathan wasn’t miraculously restored.  But, I literally saw miracles that helped us help them.  (I would like to write about those miracles someday, but not today. But I will mention one miracle we saw over and over): 

The Lord worked through us on our mission in a way we couldn’t deny. When you’re strong and things go well, it’s easy to think, it’s you.  But when you’re weak and things go well, you know, it’s all Him.  Our lives were falling down around us and yet, whenever the time came to speak, train or teach we would literally feel a calm come over us and words and thoughts come into our minds and a literal power come into our bodies and minds that left no doubt for us that we were just vessels for the Lord to do His work.  I would often get done with some talk or training and look to heaven and think, “Wow Lord, you did great, that was awesome!”  Then I would quietly whisper my thanks, because I absolutely knew it wasn’t me. 

The Lord took over and in a very real way made our mission His.  I couldn’t bear a strong enough testimony of the Lord’s power to help us do His work, or a strong enough testimony of his mercy and kindness to us when we aren’t quite up to the task at hand, even though we would like to be. 

 Even though the Lord got us through the mission, when we came home it all got worse.  (I’ll just keep it short and say that.)

I struggled with that little voice whispering, “God won’t bless US.”  I also struggled with thoughts of, “Why, Why, Why.”  Why was Nathan born gay?  What a hard thing to live with.  Why was he given that?  Why does Jordan have anxiety and depression that is rocking his whole world?  Why did Don develop health problems days after coming home?  Why couldn’t we find a project or a full time job?  Lots of little whys went along with those big whys.  (I have a very strong testimony that “why” questions take us away from God.  They are a barrier between us and Him.)  

  

I humbly admit I was in a bad way.  I prayed, I served at the MTC, we went to the temple, I read my scriptures, I focused on pulling our family back together, and I still felt such a feeling of loss and hopelessness.  I discovered how vital hope is in feeling happiness, motivation, and a sense of well-being.  Hope is everything!  It really drives us and you never know that more profoundly than when you don’t have it.

Even though my world was upside down and me with it, I didn’t lose my desire to pray.  I knew God was the answer.  I just had to figure out how to let him help me.

My journey back to hope was foundational and built in layers. It did not happen all at once.  I had to learn, get rid of hardness and be patient.   As I prayed I could hear the spirit of God whisper, “Hold on, I’ll get you there”, when I would ask the “why” questions.  When I would feel the struggle of serving at the MTC it was, “I know what you need, more than you know what you need.”  With the questions about Nathan and Jordan I heard, “Respect each person’s journey. This is not about you.  Trust me.”  When I felt, “This plan stinks!  I can’t wait until this pain and suffering is over. Why did I ever agree to this?!”  I felt God say to me, “This pain and suffering will help you understand a little of your Savior’s pain and suffering and others pain also.”  When I would go to that dark place of, “how is this ever going to be ok.  How am I ever going to feel happiness, peace or joy again?”  The spirit would whisper, “It will be ok.  You’ll be ok.  Everything will be ok in the end.”  Man, I would reject that one fast.  I couldn’t hold on to that.  How could anything ever be ok again?  My heart was so heavy, I couldn’t really hold on to any of these spiritual messages for very long.  I couldn’t keep them in my heart.  But I kept hearing them and I kept praying and I kept holding on and trying to stay with him.  I prayed, I read, I served, I repented, and gradually I started to work; work on moving forward and not just staying afloat.

My journey to hope and faith and strength and motivation and energy and power in God’s strength and healing is so multi-faceted:

It was discovering gratitude for what’s been given.

It was purging and repenting of any kind of negativity towards myself, others and God.  The refiner’s fire is such a painful experience but so amazing too.  When you are in survival mode you can’t hide things you didn’t even know you were hiding.  Every negative, dark thing inside of you has to come up and out.  Then the Savior can take it away and you’re left with a better version of self. 

It was becoming humble enough to see things in a more eternal perspective: God really will wipe every tear, make all things fair in the end, and turn all things too good for those who love him. 

It was letting the “whys” rest. 

It was coming to a place of recognition of untrue stories I was telling myself that kept me from coming to God and truly turning to Him. 

It was choosing to stay with Him; to keep listening to Him, holding on to his promises and whisperings the best I could.

And, it was working, accomplishing and creating energy every day by focusing on the little successes.

I still don’t know the answers, but I know God knows.  I trust my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.  They know and so I don’t need too.  That is true trust.  I feel like I am on a tight rope, balancing, moving forward slowly, totally focused on God who stands straight ahead of me, across the space.  I can feel that if I look to the side or down I lose my way instantly.  If I think of why this was given to us, I fall.  Or, if I think of how will this ever work out or be fair, I fall.  If I think of the “what ifs”, I fall.  By, fall, I mean I feel discouraged, depressed, anxious, worried, doubtful, etc.  I fall to the thoughts born of the adversary, the world and my own natural man. 

But I know and have felt over and over that when I focus on God and trust in his perfect knowledge and plan I move forward with happiness and peace.  When I am able to focus on God and His messages of hope, I live.  I have energy.

Christ makes it possible to not just survive, but thrive.   I know this is true.  I feel whole.  I feel confident and not worried.  That’s amazing.  It’s like a miracle……

I am so full of hope now.  I can’t tell you what a miracle that is. Nothing has changed.  Not one thing is different.  But God has done a work in my life to change me.  I know we can all feel strong, confident, hope and peace because of Christ.  He is hope.  His message is hope.  I trust that because of Him we will receive mercy in this life and in the next.  Things really will be ok.

Our journeys are individual.  They can be amazingly hard and painful.  But the Lord will bring us to love, faith and knowledge of Him if we let Him. I know He truly is the way.  I encourage staying with God.  Try gratitude, humility, listening, repenting, and trusting.  Lay to rest the whys, what ifs and how’s.  

Elder Uchtdorf said in October Conference, “We will not only be satisfied with the judgment of God; we will also be astonished and overwhelmed by His infinite grace, mercy, generosity, and love for us, His children.”

The most beautiful Christmas message I could give is that He lives.  If we will pay attention to what is keeping us from God, and get rid of that, He will do a work in our lives that is a miracle.  He can change our heart, He can strengthen us, and He can give us peace.  Our beautiful Savior, saves.