Can God speak, right in the very moment you’re asking?

I feel I have been on a journey of starts, then stops, steep ascents, dull and tiresome trails, dark and unseen way’s, summits and vista’s as a metaphor of my life.  I really feel I am the poster child for change.  I look back and feel an amazing wonder at the metamorphose human beings can go through based on my own experience.  My last post about gratitude contains, in a very unskilled expression, one journey I have been on for years of, “Learning Gratitude amid Trials.”  I didn’t include many of the nitty, gritty, specifics of that painful journey, but I woke up this morning and felt I should share one of the specific experiences that really was a turning point for me.  This “vista” that really helped me on my journey came about two years ago while I was walking with my soul sister friend, Shiree. 

One morning we were walking in the canyon and Shiree was telling me about the miracle she had experienced with her foot.  She had been having tremendous pain that was really impairing her ability to function and walk.  She had been to the doctor and worked with a physical therapist for months and had been doing all they said, but her foot was still limiting her to a painful degree.  Her adult son, Stanford, had called and wanted her to go on a camping trip with him for 5 days.  Now how many son’s out there want to go camping with their mom’s?  I know!  It was amazing he would ask, and even though she doesn’t like camping she really wanted to create a memory with him they would both never forget.  The problem was she couldn’t walk.

She also had a family cruise scheduled she and Stanford would be driving to after the camping trip, where she would also be expected to be on her foot for another 5 days.  All of this made her very nervous, she really didn’t know if she could do it.

She exercised faith, told him she could go, and asked her husband, Kim for a blessing.  He blessed her that she would be fine and that she should go.  Two days before the time to depart for camping, her foot started to feel Okay.  She was fine the entire 10 days of hiking and walking during her camping and cruise activities.  It was a miracle.  She had been in so much pain for so long and then she was healed during the time she had prayed for.  Afterward her foot gradually started hurting again and the pain returned.  It was a miracle.  God had intervened on her behalf and literally took the pain away for exactly the time she needed and she was able to make some great memories with her son and family. 

As she was talking the thought came into my mind, “The Lord wouldn’t bless me like that.”  “The Lord wouldn’t do that for me.”  This thought coming into my heart at this time was sickening to me and devastating.  Here is a little background as to why:

It’s the thought I struggled with so much the 3^rd year of our mission and pretty much the whole first year we were home.  The thought was like a sickness.  Every time the thought popped into my head I felt what amounted to drinking poison to my soul.  It literally felt like every time I thought, “The Lord won’t bless us, The Lord isn’t blessing us,” I was killing myself spiritually.

During those two years I was always trying to pop it out of my head, talk myself out of it, ignore it, push it away and yet it was still always there, for years.  How could such a simple, little thought kill me spiritually?  You can’t trust, love, and believe in a God that you think doesn’t really care about you, won’t work for you, doesn’t know the pain you’re in or isn’t paying enough attention to do anything about it.  That is what that little thought connoted to me.    This was why I was constantly praying to see blessings I wrote about in my last post.  I felt I was spiritually hanging on by sheer will power as my whole life and expectations were being ripped from me, and I couldn’t see a blessing in sight.

Back to the present day walk with Shiree.  I had been home for two years and at this point I had done a lot of spiritual work to get rid of these feelings.  I felt like I was on a balance beam of what I would allow my brain to go too.  I knew what thoughts killed me and what thoughts helped me function in a good place.  So when Shiree was telling me about her miracle and those old thoughts popped into my head it was particularly devastating to me that I would have some of that feeling still left inside of me when I had done so much work internally to get rid of it.

But there it was.  A belief that God wasn’t helping, blessing, or concerned about me.

This thought led to me having a horrible few days.  I felt like I was right back in that dark place I had worked so hard to get out of.  I was amazed at how fast I could fall back to all of that bleak and dismal emptiness. 

I have learned that blessings come in many shapes and sizes.  Some blessings are so obvious and things just fall into place amazingly and you hear people talk about how the Lord blessed them and everyone can see.  I just love that kind of blessing!  They are so easy and it’s so great to say, “The Lord really blessed me.” Or “It was so perfect!” Or “It all just fell into place.”  UGG!   

Other blessings are not so visual, they are not so easy to see or understand.  Sometimes they can only be devined through perspective of what would be worse.  You have to look to, “have eyes to see”, to find these blessings. 

The spiritual work I had been doing was to see my blessings, they weren’t obvious, it wasn’t easy, I had to change to see these kind of blessings, maybe because of who I was and what my expectations were.  But the spiritual work I had to do was to see that we were blessed as I let go of my life expectations and became accustom to our new normal.  And so I became ok, as I balanced on the balance beam of life and controlled where I let my mind go. 

Back to my story.  So, I was having a few terrible days as I kind of lost my footing, and I was right back to longing for obvious blessings.  I was tired of having to look and change my perspective to see.  I felt devastated at the darkness of life and the pain of loss of everything I had wanted for my family. 

So that one thought, “The Lord won’t bless me like that”, kind of brought my life crashing down, as it brought up this residual pain and fear that I had been hoping was gone.   I was disappointed in myself.

That Friday, I went to the temple with a prayer in my heart, wanting to receive some kind of answer, help or inspiration about it.  I hesitated in asking the Lord for more, because I felt He had already given me so much; so many amazing spiritual experiences in the temple, whisperings of the spirit, trying to help me see things differently.  Could there be more He could do for me, or had my quota of help been given and there was nothing more he could do?

But, I went praying anyway, asking and hoping for something, not even sure what.

I was doing initiatory’s that night.  I was listening.  And I had this amazing knowledge fill my mind of what God’s view of blessings are.  It was like light entered my mind and I understood God for a moment. The light and knowledge was this:

God’s view of the best blessings He could ever possibly give are spiritual in nature.  Temporal blessings and trials alike are to bring us to a spiritual knowledge of some kind.  Easy and hard are both God’s way of teaching and changing us spiritually.  He loves us and He knows what is really important.

Integrity, Virtue, Peace, Love, Forgiveness, Compassion, Understanding, Hope, Strength, Kindness, Patience, Humility, Knowledge, Gratitude, Charity, etc. are the spiritual blessings that are more divine and crucial as blessings than good grades, college education, financial security, marriage, children, physical health, attention, security, safety, power, convenience, popularity, etc.  Whatever worldly blessing you want there is a spiritual blessing God can give you that would be better.

In this moment I realized how true, “Man cannot comprehend all that the Lord can comprehend”, is.  I am a fallen individual.  I don’t see how God see’s.   But I also felt profoundly in this moment how much God loves us, we are known by Him, He is doing everything He can to bring us to the BEST spiritual blessings that can be given. 

Blessings started running through my mind I take for granted like: knowing good from evil, sensing what direction God wants me to take, feelings of the spirit, being healed and cleaned, etc. 

As I was reviewing this in my mind I said a prayer that somehow I could really put these thoughts in my heart so I wouldn’t just know this in my mind for a minute, but really change and have this knowledge stay with me in my heart, so that I could really know God was aware of me, loving me and truly blessing me.  But what could God do that could help me with this?

What happened next was a miracle, just like the miracle Shiree had experienced with her foot. 

I’m continuing on with the temple work I’m doing while I’m praying that something could really help me know this; not just as knowledge in my mind but in my heart and become a part of me.  It was time for a shift change and a new woman came in to where I was.  It was the first time I had seen her, she said her part and then literally stopped and looked at me.  She said in a very inquisitive way, “Can you hear that?”  I was kind of surprised, workers don’t usually talk personally to you.  Then she said, like she was answering a question I had asked, “These are your blessings”.  She had spoken personally as if she had heard what I was asking for in my mind.  Then she repeated what she said again.  “Can you hear it, these are your blessings?”  It was the oddest thing to say, but it absolutely answered my prayer as if I was talking out loud.   But, I hadn’t said anything out loud.  I was so taken aback.  The words she was speaking were exactly answering my prayer.  I felt God had directly answered my prayer, like He was talking to me!  I knew He had. He had reached out and touched me.

This spiritual experience was the turning point for me where I didn’t have to control my thoughts, hide or push or ignore what was going on inside of me so I could spiritually survive my life 

experiences.  Instead, understanding was given that brought true change into my heart and mind and I didn’t need to push, hide or ignore anymore.  I knew God was blessing me.  God was not absent, not aware or not caring.  He was blessing me with what was important to His infinite knowledge of the best blessings.   I knew God was in my struggle.  He was there.

I know when life hits we can trust the Lord.   He always wants what is best for us.  He always knows how we need to change. Our life experiences may not be caused by Him, but whatever it is that we go through He will work with it to bring us to the thing we need that will be the BEST blessing.  He can make our lives be perfect for the light and knowledge we need to learn or gain.

A Heartfelt Letter: Gratitude is Spiritual Work that links us to Heaven

To my missionaries, mission prep students and my hurting friend,

I always want to bring you closer to Christ. The constant question is how?  I am a pretty authentic person and don’t mind sharing what has happened in my life and what it has taught me.  I hope you don’t mind me re-sharing and re-posting some personal things that has brought learning and growth into my life in hopes that it will bring you closer to Christ. So much of my heart is contained in this letter.   This is Thanksgiving week so I hope you can invite gratitude everyday into your heart and mind, and see what happens.

I feel gratitude is a form of repentance and brings patience into our lives.  I have to admit that the last 5 years has forced me to learn this because of all the hard things that Brother Mullen and I have gone through. The things that happened to us surrounding our mission and after coming home have been my continual teacher. 

It all started on our mission when so many hard things were happening with our family that I couldn’t see blessings. I felt our family and finances were falling apart.  Every one of our children were struggling and our twin sons, Nathan and Jordan, had very difficult trials and turned away from God and the Church, all while we served full time.  I thought our family would be blessed, we had been promised God would take care of our children if we would take care of the missionaries.  By the third year of our mission I was devastated and in so much pain.  I literally felt God had forgotten us and I couldn’t see one blessing in my life.  I settled into a fog of confusion as we realized our beautiful, bright son was addicted to meth and both of our twin boys were turning against us a parents and their relationship toward us became brutal. 

At this time all I could do is pray all day long, “Please let me see the blessings”, constantly. It was a continual thought over and over, because I was in so much pain and I was so confused.  We served all day long, every day- other people’s children who were growing in the gospel, having amazing spiritual experiences, yet our boys were hitting rock bottom.  I remember one weekend when we had really been trying to get Nathan to go to a rehab facility and he came up missing.  For 3 days we had no idea where he was and he wasn’t answering his phone.  It was Zone Conference week for us and we were speaking, training, feeding and talking to missionaries that whole week.  It was surreal as I helped clean up after lunch on a Friday, hadn’t heard from Nathan in days, and thought my son could be dead in a ditch somewhere and here I am cleaning up lunch, getting ready to speak to missionaries.  (He had been set up; given some bad drugs so someone could steal his computer and phone. Thankfully some good Samaritan took him to the emergency room.  A taxi brought him home Sunday morning from the hospital.)

Again, I tried to focus on the blessings, it was an exercise of my mind to express gratitude and not think of the hard thing that was causing pain or stress.  As I expressed gratitude for blessings I always felt like it was a conduit to heaven.  The minute I started to place myself in a state of thanks I would immediately feel instant heaven.  It taught me a lot.  I was amazed at what gratitude could do to help me feel instantly changed.  This was God’s beginning tutorial for me on how gratitude can change everything.

Coming home from our mission seemed to continue the pattern.  My mother passed away, Don got Parkinson’s, we moved twice, took over the care of my ailing father, lost our “job”, and had to face how to recover financially when we had no job prospects, started serving in a demanding calling at the MTC, and I fell into a deep depression from the trauma of it all-all within weeks of us coming home.

At this time I just survived.  I felt like I was drowning and barely keeping my nose above water to breathe.  But as I kept praying to see blessings, and focused on the words God was speaking to my mind about holding on and staying with Him, I started to see the blessings in the midst of the trials:

My mother died, but I had prayed that she would stay alive until I got home and I could have a chance to care for her for a while.  That was exactly what happened, God preserved her life until I got home and I was able to care for her for 3 weeks.  It was sacred and I came to see He had answered my prayer, exactly.  I had to have a change of heart to see the truth of that.

Don developed Parkinson’s.  It was devastating.  But I came to see he is still doing well.  And I came to understand that God blessed us with great health our entire mission.  He didn’t strike Don with Parkinson’s, He withheld the Parkinson’s until we finished our work in the mission field.

  I wanted Don to get a job or a real estate project right away when we got home.  I was in a panic and I wanted to solve the problem quick.  A quick job did not happen.  A project didn’t happen for two years, but we saw unexplained miracles with our finances.

Nathan was addicted to drugs, but we got him into rehab and our relationship with him became wonderful again.  (He relapsed for two years, but he is in rehab again now which is another blessing.)

We had to remodel and sale our dream home, but we miraculously had the energy to do the work and found the money to do it.  Then found an amazing home that miraculously appeared on the market just two weeks before we had to move. ETC!

This may sound easy to you as you read these words on this paper.  But none of these, “But’s” were easy.  They reflect spiritual work to see something in a spiritual way, way different than what my natural, instinctive person's experience was.

I now understand that God has given us agency.  He has to respect that agency.  This plan of life includes death, failing health, mistakes, and natural consequences from living in a fallen world.  The plan must continue on and we must go through it.  It is going to be painful.  It is an exercise of faith to stay with Him, keep trusting Him and loving Him. 

I came to know God better at this time.  He couldn’t give me everything I wanted, but if I was willing to be soft and open I could see that he was still very aware of me and blessing my life.  I was in a world of hurt, so much I couldn’t even hold on to the hope He was trying to give me, but gradually healing happened and I could start trying to see, feel and understand. 

I felt I could relate to Moroni’s account of Alma’s experience, when they were put under bondage in the wilderness.  Here Alma is going against King Noah and all the other wicked priests and following after Abinadi. He is trying to do what is right, he is sacrificing his safety and comfort to bring others closer to Christ.  You would think God would make it easy and they would be blessed.  But instead they are found and put in bondage. 

Moroni says in Mos 23: 21-23 about Alma’s situation; the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and faith…..yet-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day….for they were brought into bondage and none could deliver them but the Lord….

It tells me that trials are a very specific tool used to help us see and know God.  Think about it.  If everything was easy in our lives, we would never feel the need for a Savior, the gospel, or the need to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer.  Trials put us in a state of vulnerability which makes us a little more tender and open; seeking and searching for understanding, comfort and strength.  It drives us to our knees with more intention and purpose; seeking our Heavenly Fathers assistance.

Times like these give our God a chance to show himself.  We come to know God in our extremities.

In the next chapter Alma himself talks about what God promised them, “…….I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me here after, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.”  He is saying, “You will have trials, and if you will stay with me through it, you’ll come out knowing me better and being able to witness of me.

Because of my own experience I KNOW THIS IS TRUE!  I can’t say enough, years later and looking back, that God will be with you, even in the middle of devastating pain, when you feel you can’t hold on to any hope, when you are just a sieve, (when anything that may help just runs through you)-that God was there the whole time, patient, kind, merciful, trying to heal the entire way through it.  If you stay with Him.

It’s the same way with Ammon.  In Alma 26:35, Ammon is expressing his profound gratitude to God for all those trials and sacrifice they went through on their 15 year mission, “we have suffered all manner of afflictions that we might be the means of saving some souls….” 

Ammon says perfectly what happened to them because they stuck with God, had faith in Him through it all, and were able to see the blessings even though they suffered and everything didn’t make perfect sense; Alma 26:35, now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my god; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.

What I see in that verse is amazing.  They had these trials, they suffered, God saw fit to try their patience, and some of their people even died.  And because of it they came to know their God profoundly; intimately.  So much so that they described him as – “all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being even unto salvation……” but,

It takes humility and repentance to come to that kind of knowledge.

The very same sentence he adds, “….to those who will repent and believe on his name.”

I think it is hard to be humble.  That may just be me, but my experience has been I have to work at being soft and open when I’m in the middle of pain from a trial I don’t understand.  But it is the answer that will solve problems, it brings the ability to hear the answers God is communicating and the willingness to believe and follow those answers.

This is the important part.  Repentance comes from the Greek words: meta=change of form, and noval=mind, knowledge, spirit, breath, (meaning life). Basically, change our mind.   When we change our form to be in a state of gratitude we are actually repenting.  The natural man is never grateful!  The natural man is an enemy to God.  He can’t feel the spirit in his state of seeking the will of his flesh, his way and his expectations.

Gratitude as a state of repentance means change from the natural way.  It is not easy amidst pain, doubt, confusion, and hurt to repent! To be grateful!  Yet what God promises is that if we will be humble and repent he will show His power to us and we will come to know him.  This knowledge isn’t free.  There is a price to know God.

What I know is that this is true.  I have been hearing God say for years, “Hold on I’ll get you there.”

What I know now better, is that He is all power, all wisdom, all understanding and merciful.  He knows a lot more than I do.   And I also know he is very, very patient.  I’m sad he has had to exercise so much patience with me and it has taken me such a long time to stop asking why, and just decide it doesn’t matter.  Gratitude is the step that has gotten me through the pain to the other side. 

I choose faith and trust.  With all my heart I choose God.  When I feel a question forming, I just lay it aside and think, it doesn’t matter, I choose God, I want to live by faith and I don’t care about anything else. 

One more scripture that I feel is perfect when talking about gratitude is,  Alma 26, 29…..if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another--- I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another-I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

I know this was long.  If you made it through, thank you for reading.  As you face the struggle of life, school, family, friends, health, etc., what I want you to know is no matter how much confusion, darkness or trial there is in life, if you will be humble and create a grateful heart inside, you will be closer to heaven, see more clearly, recognize the miracles and realize you an are unprofitable servant as you become more intimately acquainted with God and realize how much He has done for you.  Depending on what you go through it may take time to get there, but it's the best feeling in the world to stay with God and let Him do His work in your life.

I love you and I know God loves you too, Happy Thanksgiving,

Sister Mullen

Doing HARD, can't be pretty.

We went to Canada last weekend to see Nathan.  He has been in rehab there for over 3 months. 

An absolute miracle happened in his life; our life, last January when he came to us and said he wanted to go into rehab.  He said if he was being honest he would have to say he was miserable and felt the last 4 years of his life has been a waste and he didn’t want to waste any more life. 

If you know Nathan you would immediately know this was a miracle.  He didn’t have a near death experience, he wasn’t homeless, and as a matter of fact he could hold down a job, do drugs and still pay rent every month.  That’s pretty good for a drug addict.  No, he just wanted to change; internally admit he was wrong and stop justifying his lifestyle.  Miracle.  (When I say miracle I’m singing that in a high pitched voice.)

It took about 3 months for him to put his life in order, (with our help), and leave for the John Volken Academy in Vancouver Canada at the end of March. 

We hadn’t talked to Nathan about rehab for two years.  He would be so angry, instantly, whenever we mentioned it, that we just stopped talking about it and knew we had to wait for life lessons to help him.  I prayed, I hoped, but I think I secretly thought Nathan was probably to prideful to ever come to a place of ever admitting to himself that he needed to change, or even have the strength to think about change.

(I feel there was a lot of things that happened last year to help him feel strong enough to do this, but to talk about those things would make this post too long, so I’ll just say it’s important for a drug addict to feel successful, to feel capable, and to see his victory’s every day so that he can start to see himself in a better place.)

The John Volken Academy is a two year program and we heard about it two years ago.  When I heard about JVA I was immediately interested because it was two years long.  The year before I had talked to a mother of a drug addict who had a son who had been in and out of jail, staying off of drugs for months at a time but when he would get out, he would go right back to drugs.  She had told me it wasn’t until he stayed off drugs for two years in jail that he was able to completely heal and change his life.  He was now married with a wife, children and good job. 

She said that two years off of drugs was what it took for her son to change his life and not go back, so when I heard that JVA was a two year program I was extremely interested and talked to Nathan about it.  Actually it wasn’t a talk, it was more like me mentioning two years, when he was ready, would be the one he would want to do, before he was mad and shut down. 

(Side Note: this is a work program that only costs the family $5,000.  There are 3 facilities: one in Arizona that is a ranch, one in Seattle that is a furniture store and one in Canada that is grocery warehouse.  The clients work to pay for their own rehab.  It is student run and so they work into more responsibility and can gain privileges the longer they are in the program.)

Fast forward to January, Nathan’s miracle began.  Since we had already mentioned that two years is about what it takes for your mind to heal from the effects of drugs, he already was thinking of John Volken Academy.

I can’t believe that Nathan is in rehab.  I can’t believe that he has already been there for 3 months.  The miracle of this amazes me.  So much prayer, work and sacrifice has gone into bringing him to this point on our part.  But I don’t know all the details of what got him to this point on his part.  He just says he had to admit he was miserable.  Either way, I feel so blessed by God to come to a place where there is hope for Nathan’s future.  I thought we were praying, working and sacrificing for something that would never really happen, or maybe happen when he was 40 or something.  It’s like a child on Christmas morning getting the best thing possible, that you never really thought you would receive. 

But that is not really what this post is about.  That was just a little background so I could talk about something he said last weekend that really touched me.  It was profound.

JVA was holding a fundraiser event so we were allowed to go and participate.  We had heard that we couldn’t go visit for 7 months so we weren’t expecting to see Nathan any time soon.  But we found out that when they have event’s we could go visit.  Since we only realized this at the last minute we had to throw the trip together in two days.

The event was a pasta dinner on a Sat night and the Scotiabank Vancouver Half Marathon and 5k run on Sunday morning.  We were thrilled to see Nathan at the dinner and marvel over his shaved face and short hair.  He had no piercings in and had a big smile on his face, amazing amounts of energy and an over flowing amount of positivity and commitment to the process he is going through.  We took Jordan with us and it was cry worthy to see them play together like they use too.  They sang and danced and finished each other’s sentences and goofed off like they had choreographed what they would say and do to make us all laugh.  It was amazing. 

We opted to walk the 5k.  There was a band in the park and we all danced and didn’t stress at all that we started the 5k late and as a matter of fact, last.  We took our time and just enjoyed the amazing park and lake as we walked and talked together. 

We were taking about doing hard things in our lives.  I told him how I often feel bad and guilty about how I haven’t done the last 4 years of hard very well.  It hasn’t looked very pretty as I have struggled to handle all that has been thrown at me.

He said, “Mom you can’t look pretty if you’re doing hard, that just doesn’t go together.”

It really hit me.  I felt a real release of guilt and pressure.  Over the last 4 years, I felt so alone as I took care of my mom and dad the last weeks and years of their life.  I have felt abandoned by God when: Don got Parkinson’s, Nathan got addicted to drugs and both Nathan and Jordan left the church.  I felt so worried over trying to pick up the pieces of our finances.  I mustered every ounce of energy I owned when I went to serve at the MTC on Sunday’s, Tuesday and Thursday nights because I had depression without even realizing what was wrong.  I was overwhelmed at having to remodel our big home so we could try to get the money out of it we needed, and then watch it stay on the market for 8 months before it sold.  I felt completely in survival mode as we finally bought a new home, and brought all of our stuff to a  home half the size and started unpacking over 300 boxes that had been in storage for 6 years as well as getting rid of furniture, pictures, etc that we had no use for anymore.   And by the time we finally got around to remodeling the basement of our new home into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath apartment so we could rent, I felt my life was never going to be anything but dirty, hard work, and stressful. The mission was hard but coming home was beyond words, HARD.

I haven’t looked pretty as I have done the last 4 years.  I gained a ton of weight, I lived on ice cream multiple times a day to help me keep going.  At one point when I was dissolving my mom and dad’s estate after my mother’s death, (I was trying to get their condo empty so I could rent it), I lived in my clothes for 5 days, even sleeping in them.  Yup that means no shower for 5 days.  (What was the point of showering when I was working 18 hours a day, falling into bed just to get up and keep working?)   In general over the last 4 years, I haven’t cared what I looked like and I understood why sweats are the best pair of pants ever evented.  My standard wasn’t hair and make-up done, my standard became, “if you’re clean, you’re good.”  I’ve hardly written in my journal or taken notes.  My scripture reading has been spotty and my faith tested.  I stopped exercising consistently and I started watching movies consistently.

I’m not in that place anymore, but I still feel regret and guilt over how I handled all of that.  I wish I could have done it better. 

But when Nathan said, “Mom you can’t look pretty if you’re doing hard, that just doesn’t go together.”  It spoke volumes for me.  Something’s are difficult but you can do it.  Something’s aren’t convenient but you get through it.  But when you face HARD!, how can you possible look pretty or even care about pretty.  It’s HARD!  

In that moment I learned: I don’t need to feel guilty when hard, feels hard, and I struggle.  I don’t need to be disappointed in myself when I’m doing hard and it’s ugly.  I don’t need to feel like God is disappointed in me because I was dirty, stinky, weak, ugly, etc., when I was using every ounce of energy I had just to survive. 

I don’t have all the answers yet.  But I feel like life is normal, I’m settled, I am happy, and it’s time for me to find the answers.  What was I supposed to learn from all of that?  What was I supposed to gain?  What was I supposed to become?  Right now I just feel like I survived with moments of clarity here and there.  But what I want is to become something better and retain it, so that I feel it was all worth it. 

But what I do know is that right now I don’t need to feel bad anymore because I didn’t do HARD like I was sitting pretty and floating through it all.  I’m okay that I did as well as I did, and I’m still standing. 

Nathan is doing something HARD.  I’m not expecting pretty. 

As a matter of fact one thing I know I’ve learned is, we don’t really know what hard things are going on with anyone.  I know no matter how much I write or speak about these last 4 years and what it felt like to me, I don’t feel understood.  I think only God can understand how this has been for me.

So, my take away is this:   A child might be late or irresponsible.  I colleague may not do what they said they would.  A spouse might sleep in and not get done what you felt they should have.  Your religious leader may not have spoken to you. Your neighbor may not take care of their yard. Your friend may have forgotten you.  The stranger sitting next to you may be overweight and eating ice cream.  Don’t judge.  You don’t know their life.  Whatever it is, if we see something we don’t like, not pretty or if it’s even ugly, I think it’s safe to say that, “they are doing HARD in their life.”  And what we can do with that understanding is send out love to them and not pass judgment.

Doing HARD can’t be pretty. It just doesn’t go together.

So when you notice, “not pretty”, think, “hard for them”. And then send love darts of, “Oh, you must be going through something hard, I hope you’re okay.”  All day long.

And when you notice you’re not doing it all beautifully, know hard is so valuable and forgive yourself that you can’t do HARD, Pretty.

Growing Faith is an Experiment Everyday

I kind of have to laugh at myself.  I am such a natural woman at times.

For instance yesterday morning as I was praying I was like, “Lord,,,, I’m kind of ready for another big spiritual experience.  It’s been a while.  When is it going to happen?”   If I’m really being honest I’ve kind of had this in my mind for a while.  “When is the next big spiritual experience coming?  Is there any more?  Am I done?  Is there anything left for me?”

Yup, sometimes I just want one more really big, powerful spiritual experience.  (Elder Bednar says these kind of experiences are more rare than not.)  But that is what I want.  I just want God to tell me one more time that all of this is true.  Joseph Smith saw God.  The Book of Mormon was written in ancient days by prophets in the Americas.  That we don’t come from Apes!  (That one stems from an article I read in the news this week.) And that He really does love me and know me.

I’m kind of laughing at myself, but I’m serious too.  I’m such a child.  I do have strong faith, and yet I still feel I have to constantly work at my faith as the world bombards me. 

I know, I’m supposed to remember all those other times God has spoken in powerful ways to me.  I’m supposed to cast my mind back.  God doesn’t have to keep telling me the same things over and over.  That’s like a child having to be told over and over again.  Parents get tired of that, right?  But like I said I am such a natural man/woman.

But this really great inspiration came to me as I was praying, that I think is really great inspiration. 

So I’m going to share?

“Every day you can have a powerful spiritual experience as you pay attention to the experiment you live every day.”

Here me out, this is what that means:

People.  Every day we are experimenting.  It’s Alma 32, every day.  We plant seeds of good and evil, right and wrong, every day, and you can learn about God, the adversary, the Light of Christ, the Voice of the Spirit, Repentance, the Power of Christ’s Atonement, etc., every day as you pay attention.  I am having a big spiritual experience every single day.

 “What do you feel when you pray?  What do you feel when you obey?  What do you feel when you read scriptures?  What do you feel when you listen while on your knees?” What do you feel when you take the sacrament, go to church, attend the temple?   All of it is exactly what the Book of Mormon says you will feel in Alma 32. 

To summarize the experiment:

Humility is the key to the whole thing.  Being humble is mentioned about 7 times is those beginning versus.  Life can humble us, or we can choose to be humble, either way it doesn’t matter, nothing can happen until we are open, soft, moldable, easily entreated, willing to see another way, besides our own.

Next we have to have a desire.  If we aren’t ready than the experiment will fail.  We have to want this my friends.

Then we plant the seed.  We put the word in our heart, we think about it, we pray about it, we receive thoughts and ideas about it, and we are willing to listen.  We nurture it so it can grow.

Then the key.   The key to the whole thing.  We have to pay attention.  We have to notice how we feel.  If the seed is good it will enlarge us, enlighten us, it will begin to swell inside of us and it will be so good that it will be delicious to us, we love it that much.

Alma 32 doesn’t talk about this but I think, of course, the opposite is true also.  When we plant incorrect seeds of untruth in our heart, we nurture those seeds then they will grow also.  We will feel depleted, confused, defeated, angry, etc.  I think we can see the truth of this in how many people are so angry and easily offended in our world.   The world pulls at us to plant incorrect seeds that pull us away from all that is kind, grateful, peaceful and Godly.

When we are humble we can see and learn from the un-good seeds also.  Who wants to feel yucky?  But what we plant in our hearts bears fruit, and either way, we can learn what is good and what is not. 

That’s Huge.

Whenever we feel feelings that are NOT the fruit of God’s loving spirit, we can learn.

Whenever we feel feelings that ARE of God’s loving spirit we can learn.

That is a big spiritual experience of God pouring out His knowledge to us and it happens all the time.  I am receiving God’s knowledge He intended for me to learn, every day as I just pay attention to what good does, what God’s truth does.

Pay Attention:

You feel peace!  Noticing it, is the way you grow your faith.

You feel love!  Noticing it, is the way you grow your faith.

You feel stronger! Understanding that is the way you grow your faith.

You feel happy!  You receive knowledge everyday about things you should do that leads to more peace, love, strength and happiness.  That is the big, powerful spiritual experience.

I had never thought of this before.  It has totally changed my perspective.

These little feelings of being enlarged, enlightened, and uplifted are an amazing spiritual experience every day that teach me about God and His Way.  They teach me about the truth of the Book of Mormon, about my origin as a Daughter of God who can learn by praying to Him. 

I am actually on fire for this!  I know writing always makes me feel frustrated that I can’t express my fire!

(Huh, there you go, a spiritual experience just happened to me.  What did I just learn?  I must be planting seeds that don’t lead to the spirit.  The seed was, “I can never write powerfully enough to get my message across.”  Then if I pay attention I learn that it was not a good seed.  I felt negative, fearful, frustrated and unfaithful.  Yup, not a good seed. 

In conclusion. I saw an old friend last week I hadn’t seen in probably 35 years.  He had experienced a painful divorce that devastated him a few years back.  Because of that he left the church, got addicted to all kinds of drugs and was homeless for a time.  He has worked his way out of addiction and has come back to living the gospel for about 3 years now.  I asked him what he has learned from his journey.   

He said, “Living the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to true happiness.”

That is the testimony.  That is the big spiritual experience we can see every day if we pay attention.  Living the gospel of Jesus Christ brings true happiness, long lasting happiness.

I love this gospel.  I love good.  I love that our Heavenly Father speaks and we can learn by small and simple things like just paying attention to how we feel as we plant and experiment every day. 

You can be the miracle when you follow God's path for you.

I was recently asked to speak to my Alma mater; The BYU Ballroom Company, during an annual devotional they hold for their teams.  It was an honor to be asked to speak.  I prayed a lot about what would be the best message I could give.  I felt the spirit speak to me about how important it is to follow God’s individual path for us no matter how difficult.  And if we keep at it, then God can make our weaknesses into strengths and our fear into faith. This message became important to me since I felt the spirit gave it to me specifically.  I actually fell in love with the message so I wanted to share it.  Here it is:

When I think about college students, young adults and people in general I think about the many demands being placed on all of us.  When I was a BYU student; dancing, teaching, and competing on the BYU Ballroom Company and working to put myself through school, I felt busy and stressed most of the time.  The demands were huge.  But I look back on those days with fondness because it seems like life’s demands are continual and ever increasing. 

I know some of the demands of life we place on ourselves and some are placed on us and as those expectations grow we can feel like we don’t have enough resources to meet the demands.  We can even feel that what our Heavenly Father asks of us, like prayer, scripture reading, church attendance, etc. is a demand; just one more thing we have to do, when actually the things He asks of us are resources, and the key is understanding how to make them be the resources they are.

Elder Anderson spoke at an MTC devotional a few months ago and talked about the physical side of doing things vs. the spiritual side. He basically said, ‘We go to church, we read our scriptures, we pay our tithing, we kneel and pray, and we take the sacrament.  Those are the physical things we do.  But there is a spiritual element to these things that we can be oblivious to as we go through the motions of checking off our list of “to do’s”.  The spiritual side means instead of just going to church, we actually worship the Lord and want to show our love for Him by attending church.  We don’t just kneel and pray, but we speak, listen and give attention to the spirit’s voice and receive spiritual answers and knowledge as we pray. When we read our scriptures we pay attention, ask questions and seek for understanding.   We feel trust and happiness as we pay our tithing.  We don’t just take the sacrament, but we repent, re-set, express devotion to our savior, and receive His grace.’

If we don’t get past the physical side of doing things, we will continually see all the things the Lord asks us to do, as a burden; a demand.  We will continue to go through the physical motions and never get to the spiritual knowledge of what the Lord really wants us to feel, know and do.  What He asks of us is a resource, to enlarge and strengthen us.  Spiritual knowledge saves us and increases our abilities, but we have to do the spiritual work we sometimes unconsciously think of as physical demand; things we have to, “check off” so that we can please the Lord.  Getting to the spiritual element of the things we do fills and strengthens, enlightens and uplifts, but it requires more spiritual effort on our part.

I developed a relationship at an early age with my Heavenly Father.  I didn’t come from a great home life and so I often found myself on my knees seeking for comfort and understanding from deity.  I learned to listen to His voice, love Him and want to please Him as He became my peace; my home.  Right from the beginning of my life I didn’t ever just kneel and say words.  I needed Him and I found Him through prayer.

It was a great blessing to me to have a need created so young that I sought after God early.  But one of the side effects of this home life was fear.  I had a tremendous amount of fear as I grew up.  My Bio, list’s things that I have done that sound impressive but the reality was, was that I was so fearful pretty much all of the time. 

One thing that terrified me to the, “I’m out of my mind point,” was speaking.  I had social skills, I could be friendly and nice but I couldn’t speak about anything that was important to me.  When I was at girls camp and all the girls were bearing their testimonies, I never did, it was terrifying to me!  When I came to BYU and sat in testimony meeting, it was like God was trying to force me to speak; just pouring the spirit down on me.  I would feel the spirit so strongly I would shake and my heart would pound and my hands would sweat but I couldn’t do it.  I was so terrified.  Once when the tour team was on tour in China we had a long bus ride and Lee wanted to have a testimony meeting.  It’s the only time we ever did anything like that and I got so brave, I stood up and tried to speak.  Everything I said sounded awful, I balled and snot was running down my face.  I was so humiliated.  I swore I would never try to bear my testimony again.

But the real story actually starts when I was 17.  That was when I received my patriarchal blessing.  When I heard my blessing and later read it, I thought it was the wrong blessing.  I literally felt it was wrong, I could never be or do all the things it said, because I was opposite of almost everything it said.  One of those things was, “You will never want for words as you bear testimony of Jesus Christ.”  And then it said some other things I would be able to do because of that.

Absolutely never going to happen.  No way could I ever be that.

But God has a sense of humor and since pouring the spirit out on me wouldn’t make me speak, I started being called to serve as a relief society teacher in every student ward I moved too.  I knew whenever I moved to a new student ward I would be called to serve as a relief society teacher and I was.  When I got married, I thought I would never be a relief society teacher again, nope, called to be a relief society teacher.  Finally bought our first house and moved, called to be a relief society teacher.  I was a relief society teacher in 5 wards before I was ever called to do anything else, and then it was a constant rotation of primary teacher and young woman adviser after that.

Because of my relationship with my Heavenly Father I had a strong desire to do God’s will and fulfill my callings well, so I kept working at opening my mouth and he kept giving me those opportunities.  Haha, but I did find my voice and I overcame my fear of speaking eventually, thank goodness.  I realized God could help me be more than I was.

As I listened to the spirit and let it guide me, it lead me to making some hard decisions that changed the course of my life.

Dancing, choreographing, being a soloist, and teaching at BYU, was a dream and I felt so happy doing all of those things.  I had more dreams.  After graduating, I wanted to teach H.S. for a few years, go back and get my master’s and teach at a university.   This burned inside of me.  It was such a part of me.  Looking back I realize I got a lot of my self-esteem for accomplishing things and “looking good” according to the world’s eyes.  I think it’s especially easy to do that when you’re a dancer.  It’s all about looking good, getting a good part, being seen.   (In this day and age, it’s also very easy to live in that place of getting value from the world because of social media and how fast we can view and judge everyone’s lives, and our own lives in comparison.)  I didn’t know better or different, of how to get value, but God wanted me to be better than I was and lead me on the painful path down that road.

I was teaching H.S. when I had my first baby and I felt the whispering's of the spirit tell me to stay home and raise my children.  I was in a dilemma.  I knew God, I loved Him, I was always trying to listen and obey, I repented quickly when I did the wrong thing.  But I really wanted, to my very DNA, to dance, teach and choreograph on a University level.

It was the hardest thing I had ever done, I chose the Lord, quit my job and stayed home.  I pretty much hated it.  It was a refiner’s fire for me.  It took me about 10 years before I liked it and about 15 years for the Lord to change me enough to where I would choose it myself if He said I could do whatever I wanted.   But when the 15 years was done I knew there was nothing better that I could do with my life than raise my children well, and that mothering was the most valiant and valuable profession I could ever aspire too.

But God wasn’t done with me yet, there was more.   I was putting all my energies into serving in the church and serving my family. But secretly in my deep sub-conscious, I was still trying to get value from the world and hoped I could have some leadership calling in the church, or something.  But no, I was a teacher endlessly.  After 7 years in our first home, we built and moved into our dream home.  I was a primary teacher for 9 years out of the first 12 years we lived there.  I kind of became mad at God, at that point.  I remember crying, “Can’t I do anything else, can’t I ever be a leader or in charge of something:  Can’t I ever have something important to do?”  God told me, “No!”  I felt his words express, “You have to learn where your value comes from, and it’s not from any visual thing you do or accomplish.”

That led me to not just fine tuning in my life, but major dial changing.  I had to find out where true value comes, because I wasn’t going to get it from any big calling in the church, I wasn’t going to get it from any great career, and I was miserable trying too.  God would not allow me down that easy path.  I could not get value from the world at all, because I was nothing to the world.  I felt like my “current bush” wasn’t being pruned, it was being ripped out by the roots.  Talk about a refining fire.

It took two years.  It was miserable.  (Why does it take me years to learn life-changing things?)  Anyway, The Lord is patient and kind, and I came out of it with absolute knowledge that my value comes internally from who I am as a child of God.  It doesn’t matter what people think about you, say about you, or feel about you.  It only matters what God thinks and feels.  I knew it to my DNA, and I became very aware that I didn’t need to do anything sensational to be of worth. Of course, God having the sense of humor he does, called me to be the Young Women’s President, right when I felt great about not having a demanding calling. But I knew I only needed to please God and I knew I was of great worth to Him and so I was at peace.

I was also full of hope.  We didn’t have an easy life raising our children.  Everything didn’t happen perfectly because we were trying to serve God.  But we felt hopeful always that we could solve problems and move forward. But again God had a refiner’s fire in store. 

I have to admit when we were called to serve as Mission Presidents to WA.  I had a perfect plan of how it would be and what would happen with my children.  I had two children who were coming home from missions and I had the vision of our other three children serving missions while we served and it would be perfect.  They would all find great spouses and get married.  We would be financially blessed. Etc. etc.  It was going to be so perfect.

Pretty much none of that happened.  While we served all of our children struggled.  Only one more child went on a mission and he had a horrible experience with his physical health and a mission president that, he felt, didn’t seem to understand or care to help him.  He developed depression and anxiety and came home for a back surgery that ended up not working and then dealing with some severe anxiety that was debilitating.  He eventually left the church and turned on us for a few years and it was brutal.

We had another son who came to understand he was gay when he went through puberty and while living in WA decided to live that life style.  His life has been pretty much a nose dive since that decision.  That world has a lot of drugs and sex that surround it and he became addicted to meth, among other things.

These were two great young men, and all this happened while we served a mission. 

[In our eyes these two boys are still great.  We love them so much and getting them through the last few years has been another refining fire that has been life changing for me.  But through it all I have learned that God really does love us no matter what we do, because I love them no matter what they do.]

When we got home things didn’t get any better, as a matter of fact they got worse.  My mother was dying of cancer.  Our family couldn’t take care of her so that fell to me once I got home.  I cared for my mother for 3 weeks while she struggled to die.  It was sacred but amazingly hard.

I took over the care of my father who had Parkinson’s.  I got him into a new assisted living facility, took him to multiple doctor’s visits, dissolved their estate, rented out and managed his condo to pay for his expenses, and started to manage his medication daily.

Don got Parkinson’s disease, we had no job and our finances weren’t good and we needed to sale our home and move.

This all happened within about the first 6 weeks of being home and I learned that traumatic events can cause depression as I fell into a depression that changed me in ways I didn’t know what was happening to me.

As I struggled to understand God’s plan for our family and how so many things could go wrong when we were giving our all to the Lord, I heard God’s voice many times.  I admit I wasn’t perfectly trusting and believing at this time, but the voice told me over and over again to hold on and he would get me there.  That He knew what I needed more than I knew what I needed and I should trust him.  So I held on the best I could.

At this time I read a book by Neil A. Maxwell called “Not My Will, But Thine”, (The Christ like path of submission to God’s will).   He said something that hit me so hard, “Faith is strongest when it is without illusion”.  This speaks to my very heart and soul.  He says in these few words what I would try to say in volumes and still not speak very well about.  It seems to me my whole life is being wrapped around this principle.  “Faith is strongest when it is without illusion.”

It’s easy to have faith when prayers are answered, you can see blessings, things fall into place like you think they will.  Yes, I had trials and challenges, definitely.  But I faced them, worked on them, prayed for help, and got through them, and learned stuff along the way.  Elder Maxwell calls that kind of life, K-12, lessons and experiences.  In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, “We undergo afflictions such as are common to man”.  That was what I think I was living; afflictions that were common to man.  But Elder Maxwell says, “God will deliberately give us further lessons and experience which take us beyond the curriculum common to man and on into uncommon graduate studies or even post-doctoral discipleship.  These trials are often the most difficult to bear.”

I feel like that!  I am not in elementary school anymore. I know God wanted to get me past, “Faith, because it all works out perfectly”, to “Faith without illusion; that I know God, trust Him and Love Him when it all doesn’t work out perfectly.”

That is how I feel today.  I know God lives.  He does answer prayers.  We need to see the blessings he offers, even when it’s not the blessing we long for. He has a sacred honor to protect all of our free agency and he won’t take that away from anyone, but can we still see the work He is doing in our life, the blessings He is giving?  We must see His hand and recognize his voice even in tremendous pain and sorrow.  

His way is The Way.  Our way is just A way.  And our way will not get us to that place of divine potential we aspire too.  The decision’s I made all along the way to follow God changed me.  I saw things in my Patriarchal blessing being full filled and coming to pass the entire time.  I was amazed.  God really can make us more than what we can make of our self and our patriarchal blessings can come to pass.

But there was still one thing in that blessing that I could never really see happening.

Then I had my eyes opened.  Over the last 7 years God had been working on that too, and I hadn’t even recognized it.  We were called to serve as mission presidents and worked with huge numbers of missionaries while our mission was being split and then during the age change.  We figured we worked with 600-700 missionaries while we were on our mission.  And then watched them go out and work with hundreds of people influencing them for good.

When we came home we were called to serve as a Branch President at the MTC and have worked with hundreds of missionary’s in the last 3 ½ years and have watched them go out and work with hundreds of people.  We have been teaching mission prep to BYU students for 3 years and have taught hundreds of students who have then gone out and influenced hundreds of people for good. 

So, now as I read my blessing, I am amazed that it wasn’t wrong.  Every one of those things have come true.   That is such an amazing feeling, and worth every bit of self you have to give up to have.

At the time I thought I was making such hard, painful sacrifices.  But getting through all of that and being on the other side of it, I am gratefully aware that God’s plan is better.  What I wanted for my life would have never created the lesson’s I needed to get me past myself and onto something better.

I also recognize none of this could have happened for me without personal revelation.  Because as I look back I realize the pivotal moment for me wasn’t when I decided to give up my dream and stay home with my children, or accepting a teaching calling that terrified me, it was earlier than that.  It was when I was a BYU student and I heard the voice of the spirit say, “Do your visiting teaching every month no matter how busy you are. Full filling your calling is the best use of your time.”  And I did it, every month no matter how crazy busy I was.  It was also when I heard the voice of the spirit tell me to stay clean and worthy of the spirit as I dated, and I did.

Following God starts with the little things.  And if you do those things he will get you to the big refiner’s fires in your life that will change you deeply into what your patriarchal blessing says you can be. 

I think of all those stake conferences, zone conferences, mission conferences, women’s conferences, etc that I had to speak at on our mission, and all the sacrament meeting talks, new missionary training's, and Sunday afternoon training's at the MTC and all those mission prep classes we’ve taught and guess what?    I was never really nervous during any of that.  That is like a miracle.  I learned what God wanted me to know; I only need to please Him, and because of that, I never want for words as I bear testimony of Jesus Christ. 

My main message is:

Listen to the spirit, Obey that voice above all others, stay with Him no matter how hard life gets, and you will become more than you ever thought possible, but what God knows is possible.