Doing HARD, can't be pretty.

We went to Canada last weekend to see Nathan.  He has been in rehab there for over 3 months. 

An absolute miracle happened in his life; our life, last January when he came to us and said he wanted to go into rehab.  He said if he was being honest he would have to say he was miserable and felt the last 4 years of his life has been a waste and he didn’t want to waste any more life. 

If you know Nathan you would immediately know this was a miracle.  He didn’t have a near death experience, he wasn’t homeless, and as a matter of fact he could hold down a job, do drugs and still pay rent every month.  That’s pretty good for a drug addict.  No, he just wanted to change; internally admit he was wrong and stop justifying his lifestyle.  Miracle.  (When I say miracle I’m singing that in a high pitched voice.)

It took about 3 months for him to put his life in order, (with our help), and leave for the John Volken Academy in Vancouver Canada at the end of March. 

We hadn’t talked to Nathan about rehab for two years.  He would be so angry, instantly, whenever we mentioned it, that we just stopped talking about it and knew we had to wait for life lessons to help him.  I prayed, I hoped, but I think I secretly thought Nathan was probably to prideful to ever come to a place of ever admitting to himself that he needed to change, or even have the strength to think about change.

(I feel there was a lot of things that happened last year to help him feel strong enough to do this, but to talk about those things would make this post too long, so I’ll just say it’s important for a drug addict to feel successful, to feel capable, and to see his victory’s every day so that he can start to see himself in a better place.)

The John Volken Academy is a two year program and we heard about it two years ago.  When I heard about JVA I was immediately interested because it was two years long.  The year before I had talked to a mother of a drug addict who had a son who had been in and out of jail, staying off of drugs for months at a time but when he would get out, he would go right back to drugs.  She had told me it wasn’t until he stayed off drugs for two years in jail that he was able to completely heal and change his life.  He was now married with a wife, children and good job. 

She said that two years off of drugs was what it took for her son to change his life and not go back, so when I heard that JVA was a two year program I was extremely interested and talked to Nathan about it.  Actually it wasn’t a talk, it was more like me mentioning two years, when he was ready, would be the one he would want to do, before he was mad and shut down. 

(Side Note: this is a work program that only costs the family $5,000.  There are 3 facilities: one in Arizona that is a ranch, one in Seattle that is a furniture store and one in Canada that is grocery warehouse.  The clients work to pay for their own rehab.  It is student run and so they work into more responsibility and can gain privileges the longer they are in the program.)

Fast forward to January, Nathan’s miracle began.  Since we had already mentioned that two years is about what it takes for your mind to heal from the effects of drugs, he already was thinking of John Volken Academy.

I can’t believe that Nathan is in rehab.  I can’t believe that he has already been there for 3 months.  The miracle of this amazes me.  So much prayer, work and sacrifice has gone into bringing him to this point on our part.  But I don’t know all the details of what got him to this point on his part.  He just says he had to admit he was miserable.  Either way, I feel so blessed by God to come to a place where there is hope for Nathan’s future.  I thought we were praying, working and sacrificing for something that would never really happen, or maybe happen when he was 40 or something.  It’s like a child on Christmas morning getting the best thing possible, that you never really thought you would receive. 

But that is not really what this post is about.  That was just a little background so I could talk about something he said last weekend that really touched me.  It was profound.

JVA was holding a fundraiser event so we were allowed to go and participate.  We had heard that we couldn’t go visit for 7 months so we weren’t expecting to see Nathan any time soon.  But we found out that when they have event’s we could go visit.  Since we only realized this at the last minute we had to throw the trip together in two days.

The event was a pasta dinner on a Sat night and the Scotiabank Vancouver Half Marathon and 5k run on Sunday morning.  We were thrilled to see Nathan at the dinner and marvel over his shaved face and short hair.  He had no piercings in and had a big smile on his face, amazing amounts of energy and an over flowing amount of positivity and commitment to the process he is going through.  We took Jordan with us and it was cry worthy to see them play together like they use too.  They sang and danced and finished each other’s sentences and goofed off like they had choreographed what they would say and do to make us all laugh.  It was amazing. 

We opted to walk the 5k.  There was a band in the park and we all danced and didn’t stress at all that we started the 5k late and as a matter of fact, last.  We took our time and just enjoyed the amazing park and lake as we walked and talked together. 

We were taking about doing hard things in our lives.  I told him how I often feel bad and guilty about how I haven’t done the last 4 years of hard very well.  It hasn’t looked very pretty as I have struggled to handle all that has been thrown at me.

He said, “Mom you can’t look pretty if you’re doing hard, that just doesn’t go together.”

It really hit me.  I felt a real release of guilt and pressure.  Over the last 4 years, I felt so alone as I took care of my mom and dad the last weeks and years of their life.  I have felt abandoned by God when: Don got Parkinson’s, Nathan got addicted to drugs and both Nathan and Jordan left the church.  I felt so worried over trying to pick up the pieces of our finances.  I mustered every ounce of energy I owned when I went to serve at the MTC on Sunday’s, Tuesday and Thursday nights because I had depression without even realizing what was wrong.  I was overwhelmed at having to remodel our big home so we could try to get the money out of it we needed, and then watch it stay on the market for 8 months before it sold.  I felt completely in survival mode as we finally bought a new home, and brought all of our stuff to a  home half the size and started unpacking over 300 boxes that had been in storage for 6 years as well as getting rid of furniture, pictures, etc that we had no use for anymore.   And by the time we finally got around to remodeling the basement of our new home into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath apartment so we could rent, I felt my life was never going to be anything but dirty, hard work, and stressful. The mission was hard but coming home was beyond words, HARD.

I haven’t looked pretty as I have done the last 4 years.  I gained a ton of weight, I lived on ice cream multiple times a day to help me keep going.  At one point when I was dissolving my mom and dad’s estate after my mother’s death, (I was trying to get their condo empty so I could rent it), I lived in my clothes for 5 days, even sleeping in them.  Yup that means no shower for 5 days.  (What was the point of showering when I was working 18 hours a day, falling into bed just to get up and keep working?)   In general over the last 4 years, I haven’t cared what I looked like and I understood why sweats are the best pair of pants ever evented.  My standard wasn’t hair and make-up done, my standard became, “if you’re clean, you’re good.”  I’ve hardly written in my journal or taken notes.  My scripture reading has been spotty and my faith tested.  I stopped exercising consistently and I started watching movies consistently.

I’m not in that place anymore, but I still feel regret and guilt over how I handled all of that.  I wish I could have done it better. 

But when Nathan said, “Mom you can’t look pretty if you’re doing hard, that just doesn’t go together.”  It spoke volumes for me.  Something’s are difficult but you can do it.  Something’s aren’t convenient but you get through it.  But when you face HARD!, how can you possible look pretty or even care about pretty.  It’s HARD!  

In that moment I learned: I don’t need to feel guilty when hard, feels hard, and I struggle.  I don’t need to be disappointed in myself when I’m doing hard and it’s ugly.  I don’t need to feel like God is disappointed in me because I was dirty, stinky, weak, ugly, etc., when I was using every ounce of energy I had just to survive. 

I don’t have all the answers yet.  But I feel like life is normal, I’m settled, I am happy, and it’s time for me to find the answers.  What was I supposed to learn from all of that?  What was I supposed to gain?  What was I supposed to become?  Right now I just feel like I survived with moments of clarity here and there.  But what I want is to become something better and retain it, so that I feel it was all worth it. 

But what I do know is that right now I don’t need to feel bad anymore because I didn’t do HARD like I was sitting pretty and floating through it all.  I’m okay that I did as well as I did, and I’m still standing. 

Nathan is doing something HARD.  I’m not expecting pretty. 

As a matter of fact one thing I know I’ve learned is, we don’t really know what hard things are going on with anyone.  I know no matter how much I write or speak about these last 4 years and what it felt like to me, I don’t feel understood.  I think only God can understand how this has been for me.

So, my take away is this:   A child might be late or irresponsible.  I colleague may not do what they said they would.  A spouse might sleep in and not get done what you felt they should have.  Your religious leader may not have spoken to you. Your neighbor may not take care of their yard. Your friend may have forgotten you.  The stranger sitting next to you may be overweight and eating ice cream.  Don’t judge.  You don’t know their life.  Whatever it is, if we see something we don’t like, not pretty or if it’s even ugly, I think it’s safe to say that, “they are doing HARD in their life.”  And what we can do with that understanding is send out love to them and not pass judgment.

Doing HARD can’t be pretty. It just doesn’t go together.

So when you notice, “not pretty”, think, “hard for them”. And then send love darts of, “Oh, you must be going through something hard, I hope you’re okay.”  All day long.

And when you notice you’re not doing it all beautifully, know hard is so valuable and forgive yourself that you can’t do HARD, Pretty.