Is the "Great Deep" worth it?

 

I love the imagery of the “great deep” in the Book of Mormon, Ether Chapters as, “a fitting way to describe what our trails and challenges sometimes feel like.” (CFM)   I know all “deeps” are not created equal.  From my experience there are deeps, great deeps and the greatest deep.

I am a few years out of my greatest deep and I noticed something this week as I reflect on that time.  The side effect of any of my recollections is gratitude and even joy.  I know!  It’s a bit astonishing to me too.  I keep thinking about how grateful I am that Nathan is 18 months into his rehab; what a miracle.  So grateful that even though remodeling and selling our dream home of 20 years was emotionally and physically exhausting we landed in the absolute perfect home for us and couldn’t deny the miracle we saw in that happening. I love our house and still 2 ½ years later feel that giddy feeling when I think of the miracle of landing here.  Don’s health is stable and he is doing well.  And things keep working out for us financially.  I have seen little and quite big miracles through all of it.  I feel like I’m in the Avatar movie looking at God right in the eyes saying, “I see you”.  You know, in that really intense way in the movie? And he is saying back, “I see you”.

It makes me feel that, “deeps”, give God the opportunity to put on a show.  Show his hand, his power, his love, his character, his reality, his compassion.  And as we see the show, we know him better.  That tells me the “great deeps” are like entering the arena of God, where life puts us in a place to see God if we will open our eyes.

Are the deeps worth it?  Is it worth the pain and despair to come to know God?

I have to say I don’t ever think I have thought the “great deeps” were worth it when I was in the middle of them.  But looking back I can’t think of one deep that wasn’t so worth it…..once I landed.  When I feel and see a change in me for the better; change of: knowledge, wisdom, character, personality, belief, etc. then it is worth it.  Change is sacred, and change makes the “deep” meaningful and worth it.

I remember a returned sister missionary who went through debilitating depression for a few years after her mission and during her first years of marriage.  She felt past feeling for everything.  She couldn’t feel the spirit or pretty much anything else.  My memory is that her marriage and testimony were really suffering because of it.  I called her to talk about it and she asked me a question that I will never forget; she was crying in anguish when she asked, “Why would God create or allow a trial like depression to exist where we couldn’t feel the spirit?”  “It seems like it’s not fair if you can’t feel the spirit.”

I did not have an answer for that.  I still don’t know.  But, I have thought about it a lot. 

Why are we given the things we are given?  Is it fair to have something given to you where you can’t feel the spirit?  I do know that what she was saying is true, serious depression can create an inability to feel the spirit.  I know I had a similar question about Nathan being born gay.  How can that be fair?  Nathan’s entire life, entire existence, entire test, would be so different because of who he is, if he wasn’t born gay.  How can this life for him be a fair test?

One of my changes from part of this “greatest deep” I just landed from is personal to me, from God, about this.  He says to me, “Don’t worry.”  And I know it is God because I instantly feel the peace that passeth all understanding when I hear it. “Don’t worry.”  Meaning all things will be made fair in the end.  All tears will be wiped away.  Christ’s atonement is as powerful as it needs to be to heal all things, give all mercy and kindness to us.  I know this is true.  I don’t have all the answers but I know, I don’t need to worry. 

Another sacred change for me from my greatest deep is, love.  I love better, I empathize more, I understand more accurately.  I see differently than I did.  I know that my way and my thoughts are not Gods; even if I think I know God’s way and what he is thinking, it’s not. “I cannot comprehend all the things which the Lord doth comprehend”, even when I think I do.  I am such a better person when I just love and don’t think I know what is right for someone else.

And this greatest deep has helped me to know God better.  I know that I really can trust Him.  For years I couldn’t pray, “Thy will be done in my life”, any more.  I was in too much pain and just kind of scared of anything else happening.  But years after landing, and feeling back and better, I see that even if it was God who gave me all of that stuff on purpose and it wasn’t just life happening, that it was good.  Even if all that pain was divinely designed I know I can trust God.  It was so hard, but it was good.  I have landed and that “great deep” is behind me and I am better because of it.

You may be in a great deep.  I would say what I know, “Hang on to Him and he will get you through it.”  “He knows what you need more than you know what you need.” And, “Look for the miracles along the way, he is showing himself to you.”  “See Him”.

I love you.

PS  I mention in a previous post, "Doing Hard Can't Be Pretty", about this "greatest deep" if you wanted to read more about how ugly that was.  :)