It's okay not to love it, just love Him.

 

Sometimes when I learn something that changes my life, brings relief, and speaks volumes that I could never really describe well, I want to shout it from the rooftops in case it could help someone else.  To me this kind of learning and change comes directly from God through the Spirit.  A few days ago, I had this kind of experience.

We are all different and learning in different ways and I think it's okay to be who we really are and say what are true experience is.  So here it is:

I haven’t loved a lot of things I used to love for a while.   I don’t really love church.  I wish I did, I want to wake up on Sundays and love to go.  But I don’t. I’m not sure why, it may be physically I feel tired a lot, mentally I’m quite tired too, I do what I must to prepare to teach class on Tues and Thurs, weekly keep up with Come Follow Him, work at the temple on Wed.  But really, I am just not sure what has happened about the going to church part that I would rather stay home. I think it may have something to do with Covid or some depression. What helps is focusing on the things I do love, what I love is feeling the spirit and when I go there, sometimes I feel the spirit.  But I wish I loved church all the time, like I used to, and I have been praying to get back to that.

I don’t really love General Conference.  I like it, I love some talks, but I don’t really feel the intense love that I hear some people describe about General Conference.  When I relax about it and feel like, “I am just here to hang out with God and see if there is one thing for me.” I feel like it’s easier to like General Conference.  And when I hear a talk I love, I love it, but mostly I just like General Conference.  I heard a friend say, “I was so sad when it was over.”  I felt so bad because I felt relief when it was over.   I hope I am not a bad person, but I feel bad that everyone loves it and I just kind of like it.

I serve at the Orem Temple on Wednesday’s.  I don’t really love it.  I want to love it!  I pray to love it.  I ask God to change me, so I love it, but I don’t.  My feet hurt, my back hurts and my hips hurt and when I stand in one place for four hours at the temple my body hates it.  I pretty much get a low-grade migraine almost every time also.  It’s so weird.  But it’s not just physical issues; my personality loves things when I am in the new, learning stage, but when I am in the not new stage, I don’t love it.  The temple to me can feel repetitive and my personality doesn’t love that.

Like I said, I want to love these things.  I have felt something is wrong with me, “Do I not want to live with God again?”  I have heard that going to the temple on earth is like wanting to live with God in heaven.  The temple is the closest thing we have to heaven on earth.  Do I not want to be in heaven? 

I have asked myself, “What is wrong with me?” over and over again.  I have asked God to change me over and over.  It hasn’t worked, it all still feels like work and a sacrifice.

I went to my shift praying and asking for God to change me again this week.  I had a conversation with another shift worker who said, “I love the temple, it’s the best thing I do all week.”  Because of the circumstances we were in I felt it was okay to be honest, so I quietly said, “I don’t really love it, I am trying to love it.”  He said the best thing to me, I felt like God himself was speaking through him, here is what he said, and what the Spirit maybe spoke too; not really sure who said what, but here is what pierced my heart so completely and profoundly:

“It is okay for you not to love it!  It’s okay for you to feel like this is work and a sacrifice.  You love the Lord and it’s okay for you to go to church, listen to General Conference, and work at the temple just because you love Him and want to worship and serve.  You don’t have to love it to be a good person and to be the kind of person who wants to live with God!”  It makes me cry to write this.  It makes me cry to think it.  It is healing, love, relief, peace, comfort, delicious to my entire soul…I just want to say it again, “It is okay for you not to love it!  It’s okay for you to feel like this is work and a sacrifice.  You love the Lord and it’s okay for you to go to church, listen to General Conference, and go to the temple just because you love Him and want to worship and serve Him.  You don’t have to love it to be a good person and to be the kind of person who wants to live with God!”

These are probably just words to you.  But the Spirit carried this into my heart and pierced my very soul.  It’s so simple.  So compassionate.  So merciful.  So kind.  “It’s okay not to love it, it’s okay for this work to be a job and a sacrifice that I do because I love the Lord.”  It’s something I had never thought of before.  I have felt so much pressure to have to love all of it.  I know these words are from God because I am so filled with God’s love at the very thought of them. 

It just makes me know one more time that for whatever we need God to speak to us about He can.  Whatever we are individually going through he has the truth that will help us. I want everyone to be filled with God’s truth that will help you individually because it is so good.  God can speak truth that sets us free, peace that passeth all understanding, knowledge that enlightens and enlarges our souls and it is so delicious.

This is what brings me to God, Christ and the Holy Spirit over and over again.  What they have to offer is so much better than what the world offers. 

I love that he can help me. I love the Lord so much.  I love Christ so much.  I love feeling the Spirit, it’s the best thing in the world.  I think they all speak the truth that pierce us to the very heart.  I had never considered that God’s truth to me would be so tender and compassionate.  In my circumstance I think it’s amazing that God doesn’t change me to love it, he changes me to know it’s okay not to love it, that my heart is still good if I just love Him.

I'm Tired of Feeling Guilt and Pressure

 I have written blogs, I just never publish them.  Writing for me is very revealing.  And…Is it that important to reveal my honest, true self and what I am going through? I don’t know.  I don’t think so.  If it helped someone then, maybe.  So in that hope……

 I tend to think of my life as, before and after. Who and what I was before coming home from our mission, and who I’ve become after the mission. For a long time now I have felt disappointed in myself. Like this, “after” girl isn’t as good as the, “before” girl.  I don’t know how many times I’ve thought to myself in these past years, “What’s wrong with me?” “I just want to be who I use to be.”  “Why can’t I make myself be that person again?”  I think it has something to do with my physical health or maybe some emotional health issues, but I’m not sure.

 Anyway, I wish I could. I can’t. I’ve tried.  I can’t. There’s so much I either don’t do, or can’t do. I’m not sure which of those it is.  But I just can’t make myself do more.  I use to just do whatever popped into my mind that I thought I should be doing.  It was so easy.  I’m not sure why it’s so hard now.  But I know I just can’t be that person anymore.  I hate that I can’t be that girl.

 She was so great. I liked her so much. I liked how motivated and strong she felt. I liked how when she was told something she should do at church or in conference, she just started doing it.  Looking back at her I don’t think she thought it was easy but just thought she could do it and did.

 I remember at a young age hearing I should write in a journal, so I started doing that. I heard about going to the temple, so I just started doing that, first monthly, then bi-monthly, then when all of my kids were in school full-time, weekly. I knew I should do my visiting teaching every month and fulfill my callings well, send out Christmas family letters, make Christmas neighbor gifts, work on scrapbooks, read the classics or other types of learning books, do all the driving and supporting to make sure my kids are successful, keep my house clean, eat healthy, exercise, and do lots of wholesome recreational activities, etc., etc.  You know what I mean.

 I just loved that girl. I loved feeling motivated, feeling strong, feeling capable of working on things. I didn’t even realize I felt that way, it was just normal.

 Being in a place where I’m not feeling those ways anymore has brought some realizations into my life. Those are what I want to share:

 First I have felt a lot of guilt and pressure.  I have thought I should just be able to make myself do all things I use to do. And there is so much guilt and pressure that goes along with a list of what you feel God wants you to be and do that you just can’t do. It has felt like weakness to me. And all I’ve thought about for years is wanting to get back.  Now I don’t write in my journal, I don’t do scrapbooks, I don’t write a Christmas newsletter, I don’t make neighbor gifts, I don’t write in my blog, I don’t go to the temple every week.  I feel so much anxiety just thinking about those things.  If I read a book its fiction non-thinking material. I don’t want to have to learn anything.  I could always clean my house more, but I don’t. 

 I don’t mean to say I don’t do anything. I read my scriptures every day and listen to my podcast that go along with that. I do go to the temple monthly. I spend time preparing to teach missionary prep at BYU, which I enjoy. And I still go to church and eat healthy and exercise. But you know what I mean, I’m just not able to do all the things. And I have felt broken.

 But I am learning something about God coming from a place of weakness that I could have never learned about Him coming from a place of strength. What I’ve learned is that God still helps me teach with the sprit at BYU. I still feel his love and understanding when I pray. (That has felt amazing to me and has been very eye opening to me.)  I still feel the gifts of the spirit like love, compassion for others and understanding.  I still hear his voice.  I still have the energy to do some service.  I can still feel the spirit.  In my super busy, hardworking “before”, life, I never thought that would be the case.  I think I thought God was a God of “you have to do all the things” to feel his love and spirit.  Amazing to find out God loves you even when you aren’t the fastest runner.

 I’ve learned that there is a lot of things I felt I should do, that aren’t sins if I’m not doing them.  I woke up one morning in December and thought I should do a Christmas newsletter and some Christmas neighbor gifts, I haven’t don’t that in YEARS, and instantly felt so anxious and overwhelmed that I felt sick.  (Yes I am feeling some anxiety I’ve never had before and some lingering depression from years ago.)  But I also heard a voice say, “It’s not a sin if you don’t do those things.”  Such a good perspective.  There are a lot of “should do’s in life” that aren’t sins if you’re not doing them.

 I’ve learned that in the back of my mind; in a place in my subconscious, that my whole life I’ve been working for love. I could write a whole blog about that but basically I think I felt a lot of pressure in my life to do everything God might expect of me or people might expect of me to meet expectations so they would love me and be happy with me. When you can’t do all the things anymore it exposes you to the question, “Will they still love me?”

 I have become very sensitive to not working for love anymore. Going through this feeling of not being able to do all that I use to do and questioning, "Will I still be loved?" has brought learning I would have never had if I had always been strong.  What I’ve learned is something very profound about God and people, “When they love it’s because of who they are, not because of who I am.”  I’ve heard that statement before, but now I know it’s really true.  I don’t have to work for love.  If someone is going to love me, it’s because of who they are and I can just be me.

 I’ve questioned God about this, seeking for understanding. Because I’ve always felt God wants us to be more, and do more. I feel like that’s what conference talks, church lessons, fire sides, always teach us. Do more.  So how does this work?  As I’ve tried to gain understanding in my mind about this, this is what I’ve come up with:

 When I look at my children I love them so much. I’m satisfied with where each one of them are at. I think they’re all doing well. And I feel happy with them. But, do I want more for them? Yes! I want more for each one of them. More of the things I know would bring growth and happiness into their life. That’s interesting to me. I feel happy and satisfied with where each one of them are at, but yes I would like more for them.

 Understanding this about myself with my own children helps me understand God. I don’t feel like I ever pressure my children to do something. I don’t tell them, force them, make them, pressure them, push them, (at least I hope not,) and even saying those words make me feel a loss of the spirit. So I know those things are not from God. And I know that is not what God is doing to me. Yes there are things I could do better. But he’s not there to push me, pressure me, force me, or make me. He wants more from me, for my own happiness. But I don’t need to feel like he’s disappointed in me when I just can’t bring myself to do more.

 I have learned through the spirit that it’s OK for me to be where I’m at, to feel the ways that I’m feeling, and be who I am now. I heard those words in prayer at a really low point a few months ago, “It’s ok to be who you are now and feel the ways you feel now.  It’s ok for you to feel your feelings and not have to be who you use to be.”  Man I just cried.  I’m not broken and I don’t need to get back to that girl I used to be.  God said to me, "It's Ok to be who you are now."  It must be true.  I have to trust that. This girl is great too. What a huge realization that is for me. I liked that girl a lot, but I like this girl too. It was so great learning things from a place of strength and capability. But it’s great to learn things from a place of weakness too, they are different things. I have been learning very valuable things that I would never have been able to learn. I love knowing that I don’t have to work for God’s love and I don’t have to be a certain kind of person for him to be pleased and OK with me. I love knowing that all the things on my list of what I should be doing, don’t make me worthy. They aren’t sins. If you can’t do everything.

 I have also learned this other great thing. God actually wants us to enjoy our life.  I have thought plenty about God wants me to learn, grow, change and progress.  I have never thought God wants me to enjoy my life.  It’s not all about getting outside of my comfort zone and doing more and learning more and doing better and pushing myself. And I’m not saying that’s bad. Like I said I really liked being that way and feeling super capable and being really busy and getting a lot done was awesome.  What I’m saying is that what I’m learning now is that it’s also great to relax, go slow, and enjoy my life. A Sunday school teacher last year explained it in such a way that really helped me. He’s from a culture that is more relaxed naturally and he said, “When I go on vacation I don’t have a long list of things I need to do and places I need to see, that if I don’t get too, I feel I didn’t have a good vacation.  When I go on vacation I want to sit on the beach and enjoy the water and the sun.  I want to eat some good food.  I want to take a nap. I want to feel like I enjoyed myself.  It’s not all about going and seeing and doing. And it works this way with God also.  God wants us to enjoy our life.”

 Wow! I’ve always thought God was only about our growth, learning and progression.  But God also want me to enjoy my life.

 I know God is in the balance of everything and the adversary always wants to pull us to the edges. So it would make so much sense God would want us to have a balance, to not just work but also be able to enjoy the beautiful gift that he’s given us of life. To have times where we relax, slow down, and feel the peace and beauty of existence. I know God is always in the balance; that Christ’s spirit is in the middle. When we get into the extreme edges and the pendulum swings all the way over that were under shooting or over shooting the mark, so this makes so much sense to me.

 I’m writing a book. I’m going through all of my journals throughout my life and compiling all my learning and changing and spiritual experiences into one place. It’s like the plates of Melonie. It’s a book about God’s dealings in my life. I try to write every day. I have felt God wanting me to do this since returning from our mission. I’ve had so much inside of me I want to say about God’s power.  I want to shout it from the rooftops. But I crashed and burned so hard when we came home. The entire last year of our mission God literally carried me as I clung to him to survive, and then when everything imploded when we got home it was too much and I was destroyed.  I’ve never fully returned to that place of dealing with God.  But I have found a new place.  Feeling like I should write a book at that time was a lot.  I felt resentment toward God. I didn’t want to do it but I felt I should, but I couldn’t, so resentment inside of me was born. After seven years of trying to write this book what I have learned is, I don’t ever want to place God in a position where I think he is pressuring me to do something. I don’t ever want to put people in a place of pushing or pressuring me to meet their expectations so that they will love me or be pleased with me. I don’t want to ever attach, should do, must do, or have to do, to any language in my mind. I am tired of feeling the pressure and guilt of that.  After years I’m just so exhausted at those words.  I remind myself that God is not a God who pushes, pressures, forces, makes, manipulates, or anything like that.  I know when I feel those ways it’s not God.  I feel a loss of the spirit when I do let those feelings in and so I know it’s not of Him. 

 I’m super happy learning to do things because I want to do them, and that’s the only reason, it’s like establishing independence in my life. Nobody is making me, pressuring me, or forcing me to do anything.  I read my scriptures every day because I want to do it.  If I write in my book it’s because I want to do it and I know I’ll have a better day.  If I listen to my spiritual podcast it’s because I enjoy it. It’s very freeing to detach guilt and pressure to my day. I do these things because I know I’ll feel good if I do it. I know I’ll bring energy to my life if I do it. I know that I’ll feel happy.

 As I write this I’m out walking in the park and it’s such a beautiful morning.  (I’m just speaking into my phone.) In this exact moment it has started to rain really hard and I’m taking refuge under a pavilion and I’m looking out at the green grass and the birds flying around and beautiful green trees, the gray sky and the gray mountains and all I can feel is so much gratitude for life. I’m grateful for slow times to just sit and feel grateful for the moisture, feel grateful for the sun peeking through the clouds, feel grateful for the sound of birds. It’s all so beautiful. Life is beautiful. I want you to see it, feel it, and let it in.  And know God wants you to be happy and it’s not his voice that is pushing, pressuring, forcing, or making you.  His voice is different from that.

I’ve actually written a few blogs in the past few years but I never publish them. I don’t know if I’ll publish this one but I might. If I want to.  Not because I feel guilt and pressure to do it, but because I want too.

Do you judge yourself and your value through the eyes of the world?

 

Most people without recognizing it judge themselves through the world’s eyes.  Are you what the world says is valuable?  Do you have what the world says is important?  Historically you were valuable if you were born into a noble family, your property and holdings were large, your income substantial, physical beauty, the color of your skin, and the skill to charm and socialize with others who were thought to be important.

What the world values does change in some ways, but consistently wealth, power, and fame seem to have remained the same. If you’re one of those people who even subconsciously judge yourself from the view of the world, you feel valuable when others admire you, pay attention to you, and listen to you.  Heck, if others think you’re great, then aren’t you great?  That would make sense, right?

For years growing up I thought it was true.  I judged myself from the view of the world.  I didn’t know it at the time, it was all very subconscious.   But, I heard the world say I was of value if I was ambitious and accomplishing things, if I was thin and pretty, on top of things and put together, and eventually I came to realize I believed it.  I had dreams of getting a master’s degree and teaching dance on a university level, or dancing professionally.  For me, that was the epitome of reaching my ultimate worth. 

When the spirit spoke to me about staying home with my children and leaving accomplishment behind it was personally devastating.  God wanted me to be nothing.  I wanted to fight to be more.   I wondered if I should start my own business, maybe have some leadership callings in the church, etc.  At that time I still didn’t understand I was basing my value on what the world would think of me and so it bled into my parenting also  I started to see my children through the world’s eyes.  They needed to be good at something, be on a team and excel at sports or music, they needed to get good grades because they had to go to BYU; they needed to do something important and special, so they could be important and special.  I mourned when we found out Nathan and Jordan were going to be lucky if they grew to 5’2”.  I was so sad. I knew it would be so hard to live in a world and feel valued when you are a 5’2” male. 

The Lord took me through many different experiences to help me see what I was doing, the terribleness of it, and get me to the other side; past the world, where value comes from God and my own divine worth.  It took about two years of feeling like a complete failure when I was around 45 years old for the Lord to put the cherry on top and finally get me to completely change.  I walked away from those years of crisis with absolute knowledge that what is in my heart and mind is the absolute most important thing, and God looks on my heart and never sees or judges me the way the world does.     

In our world today I imagine it is incredible hard for young people to understand and get true value from the correct source.  So much visual information is prevalent of what the world thinks is important.  How many followers, how many likes, how many views instantly pass judgment on your value as a person.  Have you started some type of business?  Has that business made a lot of money?  Is your make-up and hair the latest trend?  Are you doing something cool on a great vacation?   Are your clothes current?   Is your body fit and muscular?  Are you making great money at your great job?  ETC.  That is all what the world says is valuable about you.  It’s so easy to buy into it!  But it is a lie. 

I’m not saying any of these things are bad.  I am just saying they have nothing to do with your value.   If we buy into what the world says makes us valuable, and it’s really easy to do that, then we are placing ourselves in a position to be tossed to and fro, seeking our value from a source that lacks depth, intellect or knowledge; and is only concerned with what is visually obvious.  We have no solid foundation basing our personal worth on what is biased and false.

For example this world is all about competing and comparing.  And when you fall into comparison and competing you feel lack of confidence and self-esteem and feel insecure and unworthy.  This world is about being the center of attention and if everyone isn’t looking at you, admiring you and noticing you then you’re not really that great.  This world is about doing things that look good to be esteemed by men.

Sometimes I even think the church has been infiltrated by these worldly ideas.  That view is that if you have a leadership calling your better than another.  Jesus Christ himself was nothing to the world; “..he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him.  He is despised and rejected of men…and we esteemed him not.  Mos 14: 2,3.

What a message.  The most important man in the history of the world was despised and rejected of men; esteemed for not.  One day at the end of my Godly tutorial about this I had the aha moment of what a great place to be and what great company to be in when you are nothing to the world.  That is right where God wanted me to be, where I could learn the most.  “Nothing to the world”, is divine. 

The world’s message is you must do something important, special and sensational to be seen of men, to be valuable and important. 

What I know is that our true source of value comes from God and Jesus Christ only.   That is our only solid and true foundation.  Man does not see or comprehend all that the Lord does.    

If you do a word study in the scriptures on heart, change of heart, born again, etc. it’s a very spiritual experience.  What God is telling us is that he looks upon the heart.  That is what is important.  And the only way we can know the truth of all things is through the Holy Ghost, by asking God.  God is truth. 

I don’t know if I am communicating this effectively but this daily grounds me and changes my life.  It helps me tune out the world.  It helps me not compete or compare myself to anyone.  It helps me love others success and journey.  I know God looks on my heart and mind and what is there for good is what really matters. 

So the important questions are: Am I generous and kind?  Do I forgive and let go of hurt feelings?  Am I grateful and wanting good?  Do I stay faithful and committed even when I am struggling?  Am I meek and lowly in heart, willing to see I am not right, complete, whole or developed? 

I need a Savior.  I need to change and repent.  Am I filled with charity? 

These are the things that are important.  These are the things to work on and refine.  This is the work of our lives; to become holy, people that can and want to live with God. 

I was thinking this morning as I was praying, or more like recognizing as I was praying, that I have this tiny grudge in my heart against someone who hurt my feelings last week.  It’s something that is not a big deal, I resolved it with the person right away, but inside I could feel the judgment against the person was still there.  As I took it out and examined it I thought about who I am.  Do I hold grudges and place judgment on people if they offend me? Do I want to be that kind of person?    Will I hold that against them and think they are unkind or not trustworthy?  Will I secretly hold that in my heart?  What does God want me to feel?  What would God want me to be and do?  These were my questions.  And my answer was, “Yeeess, you should work on this.  Pay attention to this, repent, your Savor can help you.”

And that is what made me want to write this blog.  All these little things in our heart that are so important to repent of.  But also all the good and righteous desires in our hearts are important to focus on too.  Our greatest value.  The most important thing.  If we are focused on anything that takes us away from working on what is in our heart and mind; what we are becoming, then we are diluting life.  We are falling into the snare of the adversary.  We trade what is most valuable for a mess of pottage.

I know God loves us because of who he is, not because of what we are.  I’m not talking about God’s perspective of value.  He values us no matter what.   I’m talking about how we value and see our self.  If we can see what is truly valuable; which is who we are becoming, then we can let the business and distractions of the world go, which are in truth hurting our heart and mind.  What’s in there is what’s valuable.  It determines if we will want to live with God again.  Not just if we can, but if we want too.  Do we want to live that high of a standard? 

I think on earth that standard translates too: Do we want to feel connected to God every day?  Do we want to pray?  Do we want to go to church?  Do we want to attend the temple?  Do we want to read scriptures?  Not just as check off list to be done with them, but because we are looking for spiritual light and knowledge to fill ourselves.  Do we want to do service and show love?  Do we want peace and good?  Do we want to let go of anything that takes us away from the spirit, including our hurt, angry and bitter feelings, not just sins.  Do we just want to feel love?

It brings so much peace to me when I let go of what the world tells me is important and valuable.  I don’t have to be anything or do anything that the world thinks makes me of worth.  I only have to look to God for my value and let him tell me what to do, be and feel.  He is the best source of truth and light. 

Here are some scriptures you may want to ponder.  These are my favorite emotional and mental health scriptures.  To really understand them read more than what is just here.

•       Ether 12:37- If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou hast been faithful…

•       Alma 42:29-…let these things trouble you no more, only let your sins trouble you….

•       Alma 8:15-…lift up your head and rejoice, for thou hast kept the commandments of God…..

•       Hardheartedness and Heart scriptures in the index

•       Jacob 1:17 and Jacob 2:11 where Jacob inquires of the Lord and receives his “errand” from the Lord of what God wants.

Love you all.  Have a great Sabbath!

 

Gratitude is THE WAY

 

Gratitude is near and dear to my heart.  I have two previous blog post’s: “Grateful in all things” and “Gratitude is Repentance” that both talk about how gratitude saved me the last year of our mission and how it helped me survive coming home to even harder circumstances. (Please read those if you want to know more of my journey of learning about how gratitude saves.)

Those years were the “greatest deep”, of my life and every day I feel so grateful to be out of that.  I’m revisiting my journey of gratitude learning because of Pres Nielsen’s message this week.  It’s been so good for me. 

I remember the despair I felt during those years.  It was acute; it would come at me, threatening to drown me, I couldn’t breathe and I would instantly feel like crying.  (This wasn’t good since sometimes it would hit me right in the middle of a missionary training when a missionary would make a comment about how much that Lord was blessing his or her family.)  Oh my gosh, the despair and heartache would be instant and I felt like I was destroyed, just by a missionary’s comment.  But in the same exact moment, I would feel in opposition a supportive power whispering to me to think of things to be grateful for.  I think it was ministering angels trying to help me fight.  The power was saying, “Think of things to be grateful for. Think of things to be grateful for.”  Over and over again.  And in the moment the only way I was going to survive is to literally start saying any little thing in my mind I could think of that was a blessing.  (If you want to read more about this it’s in the post: “Can God speak in the very moment you’re asking?”)

This was a constant spiritual time for me as I felt two forces waging a significant battle in my life.  This wasn’t a once a day type of thing, this was multiple times a day as despair would threaten to cut off my air supply, and then a spiritual power pushing at me to think of things to be grateful for.  It’s was like a war.  I learned so much about gratitude that I wrote about in those previous posts - that in summary helped me to understand that gratitude is a tool to God, it’s a conduit to heaven, its repentance, and it’s a way to fight against the anger, hate, worry, doubt and fear of the world.  It’s a way to fight against the “natural man who is an enemy to God” and is NEVER grateful. 

Gratitude is the way.  I should say, “THE WAY”.  Meaning God’s way.  Gratitude takes willingness, softness, and trust.  It is a spiritual exercise. Sometimes it takes a lot of self-discipline and mental strength. 

So, what I am grateful for now in my life is Don’s health!  He is doing well and I can feel good about where he is at.  Our relationship is such a blessing.  He is my best friend and I am learning so much from him, still. 

I am so grateful Nathan is doing amazingly well in his two year rehab program and will be coming home in 4 ½ months.  I am nervous for that, but grateful.

I love our new home and feel so grateful that we were able to down size and sell our dream home that in the end was a burden to us.

I am so grateful for the people my children are.  They are all great individuals and I am so grateful to have each one of them.

As I think of these things I’m having this thought: Every one of the things I just mentioned reflects change, growth and learning in my life, meaning I wasn’t always grateful for the hard things that surrounded them.  But I am now.  That teaches me that gratitude causes change, growth and learning.  As change occurs I see and think differently and that is so good!  I need to see and think differently.  Gratitude really is Repentance that causes change. 

I am totally in love with life, it’s so good.  Not because it’s easy but because all that hard has led to some really meaningful growth and change for me.  I love and trust God with all my heart.  I am so in love with Him and His plan.  I know more hard is coming, I can feel it.  But I am so grateful for this moment of reprieve and Pres Nielsen’s encouragement that has lead me to look back and feel amazed at what God can do in all our circumstances.

Is the "Great Deep" worth it?

 

I love the imagery of the “great deep” in the Book of Mormon, Ether Chapters as, “a fitting way to describe what our trails and challenges sometimes feel like.” (CFM)   I know all “deeps” are not created equal.  From my experience there are deeps, great deeps and the greatest deep.

I am a few years out of my greatest deep and I noticed something this week as I reflect on that time.  The side effect of any of my recollections is gratitude and even joy.  I know!  It’s a bit astonishing to me too.  I keep thinking about how grateful I am that Nathan is 18 months into his rehab; what a miracle.  So grateful that even though remodeling and selling our dream home of 20 years was emotionally and physically exhausting we landed in the absolute perfect home for us and couldn’t deny the miracle we saw in that happening. I love our house and still 2 ½ years later feel that giddy feeling when I think of the miracle of landing here.  Don’s health is stable and he is doing well.  And things keep working out for us financially.  I have seen little and quite big miracles through all of it.  I feel like I’m in the Avatar movie looking at God right in the eyes saying, “I see you”.  You know, in that really intense way in the movie? And he is saying back, “I see you”.

It makes me feel that, “deeps”, give God the opportunity to put on a show.  Show his hand, his power, his love, his character, his reality, his compassion.  And as we see the show, we know him better.  That tells me the “great deeps” are like entering the arena of God, where life puts us in a place to see God if we will open our eyes.

Are the deeps worth it?  Is it worth the pain and despair to come to know God?

I have to say I don’t ever think I have thought the “great deeps” were worth it when I was in the middle of them.  But looking back I can’t think of one deep that wasn’t so worth it…..once I landed.  When I feel and see a change in me for the better; change of: knowledge, wisdom, character, personality, belief, etc. then it is worth it.  Change is sacred, and change makes the “deep” meaningful and worth it.

I remember a returned sister missionary who went through debilitating depression for a few years after her mission and during her first years of marriage.  She felt past feeling for everything.  She couldn’t feel the spirit or pretty much anything else.  My memory is that her marriage and testimony were really suffering because of it.  I called her to talk about it and she asked me a question that I will never forget; she was crying in anguish when she asked, “Why would God create or allow a trial like depression to exist where we couldn’t feel the spirit?”  “It seems like it’s not fair if you can’t feel the spirit.”

I did not have an answer for that.  I still don’t know.  But, I have thought about it a lot. 

Why are we given the things we are given?  Is it fair to have something given to you where you can’t feel the spirit?  I do know that what she was saying is true, serious depression can create an inability to feel the spirit.  I know I had a similar question about Nathan being born gay.  How can that be fair?  Nathan’s entire life, entire existence, entire test, would be so different because of who he is, if he wasn’t born gay.  How can this life for him be a fair test?

One of my changes from part of this “greatest deep” I just landed from is personal to me, from God, about this.  He says to me, “Don’t worry.”  And I know it is God because I instantly feel the peace that passeth all understanding when I hear it. “Don’t worry.”  Meaning all things will be made fair in the end.  All tears will be wiped away.  Christ’s atonement is as powerful as it needs to be to heal all things, give all mercy and kindness to us.  I know this is true.  I don’t have all the answers but I know, I don’t need to worry. 

Another sacred change for me from my greatest deep is, love.  I love better, I empathize more, I understand more accurately.  I see differently than I did.  I know that my way and my thoughts are not Gods; even if I think I know God’s way and what he is thinking, it’s not. “I cannot comprehend all the things which the Lord doth comprehend”, even when I think I do.  I am such a better person when I just love and don’t think I know what is right for someone else.

And this greatest deep has helped me to know God better.  I know that I really can trust Him.  For years I couldn’t pray, “Thy will be done in my life”, any more.  I was in too much pain and just kind of scared of anything else happening.  But years after landing, and feeling back and better, I see that even if it was God who gave me all of that stuff on purpose and it wasn’t just life happening, that it was good.  Even if all that pain was divinely designed I know I can trust God.  It was so hard, but it was good.  I have landed and that “great deep” is behind me and I am better because of it.

You may be in a great deep.  I would say what I know, “Hang on to Him and he will get you through it.”  “He knows what you need more than you know what you need.” And, “Look for the miracles along the way, he is showing himself to you.”  “See Him”.

I love you.

PS  I mention in a previous post, "Doing Hard Can't Be Pretty", about this "greatest deep" if you wanted to read more about how ugly that was.  :)

It was a beautiful day.

I didn’t really want to go to church today.  It was our first day back to church for our ward since the quarantine and I felt like it was going to be a lot of work and maintenance for our leaders for an hour meeting for just 100 people to attend, and then repeat twice more.  AND, we just got back from Lake Powell last night and I felt a bit wiped out.  AND, I loved having church at home, it was so nice and I really liked the spirit it brought.

I went to bed last night not feeling super committed or converted to the idea that I needed to get up to get ready to go to 9am church.  Also I would be going alone since Don is in the high risk category, and even though he felt he wouldn’t be getting sick, he wanted to be obedient to the request that high risk individuals stay home.  So, I didn’t set my alarm.  I made the excuse that God was fine with me staying home and having church with Don and Andrea.  And I knew He was.

But, I woke up at 8:15 and as I laid in bed thinking about it, I had a feeling that I should go, it was going to be short and I wouldn’t have the opportunity to go for another month, so I should just do it.

 I dragged myself out of bed, Jet Ski soar and a bit burned from a Lake vacation, did my hair out of pure necessity, didn’t bother with any make up since I would be so far away from anyone and wearing a mask anyway.  In other words I didn’t put a lot into it.  I was just going to go.

I walked in a bit late and the opening song was being sung; “I have a family here on earth….”  I immediately felt the spirit.  The words hit me poignantly.  The opening prayer was then said.  The words were so tender and thoughtful in blessing all of us for the individual trials we are going through, I really started tearing up as I listened to him pray for all of us.  We took the sacrament and I felt community in my worship that made me feel I really did have a ward family and loved by God.

The speaker was authentic and open about all our world has experienced since we last met together and the hope we can have that all will be okay.  She paid a beautiful tribute to Fathers that I will include at the end of this post.  It was profound. And then she shared how she feels so committed to obedience but the fact is she really doesn’t know the church is true.  She hasn’t seen with her eyes God or angels.  It’s not pure knowledge if you haven’t seen something, is it?   But then she talked about her hope, her assurance and conviction that God is real and the church is true, because she knows the way she feels when she goes to church, she knows the way she feels when she reads her scriptures and lives in accordance with God’s law.  And those feelings she feels does give her spiritual knowledge that these things are right and true. 

She shared the quote: by ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley 

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

And I felt the spirit over and over give me inspiration, and thoughts and feelings that I had been missing during quarantine.  I was filled.  I felt happy, light, satisfied and peaceful.  I felt better than I have in months.

When the speaker finished a man gave his testimony because he was moving.  He shared how he received a job promotion a year ago that was fantastic.  He was receiving three times his normal wage and it was so validating to him.  He was feeling like he was pretty awesome.  Six weeks later he was laid off and didn’t find another job for 9 months.  It sounded like he is now moving out of the ward into a rental for at least the next year.  But he is okay.  He has a job now, his wife has a job now and he has learned that God knows even the lilies of the field and he definitely knows God knows him.  He cried as he shared his absolute conviction that God has a plan and that he personally will “Go where he wants me to go.”  I was so touched.

Then our Bishop stood up and I was so tender that I teared up again at his beautiful, kind words.

I came home and couldn’t believe that an hour could be so filling, so rewarding and bring to me so much that I was missing. 

During this quarantine I knew I was feeling weird, different, low energy, low motivation, and stagnate in my relationship with God even though I was still praying, reading scriptures and having church at home.  I’ve been wondering if it is just a side effect of staying home so much.  I had no idea that going to church was going to help me in such profound ways.  I didn’t even think I was missing anything church had to offer because I was still feeling the spirit at home during home church.  I think I have taken community worship for granted and was just so use to the benefits of it; it’s just so normal. 

I knew God was okay if I didn’t go to church, at this time.  But he still wanted me too, because I don’t go to church for him, he knows it’s going to bless me.  When I was willing to be obedient and do it, the blessings of more knowledge were there for me. When I put myself in that place of doing some spiritual work then I received spiritual blessings. 

I keep learning this over and over.  The spiritual work I do is not for God, to cross off a list so he can bless me.  Doing the work is the blessing.  I feel so grateful for the Sabbath and so grateful for a wonderful Heavenly Father and for spiritual blessings.  I feel like everything is going to be okay.  It was a beautiful day.

 

Extended Version if you want to read more about this thought:

I first learned about God not creating task as a check off list for me to do Jan 5, 2013 on our mission.  Here is my journal excerpt that talks about this realization.

Jan 6, 2013.

“It is transfer week and yesterday, Saturday was so busy.  I worked out and then got ready quickly.  Because of all the business of the week I hadn’t done any cooking for transfers.  I went shopping for 2 ½ hours. (It takes so long!!!  I’m starting to realize the three days it takes to do transfers every six weeks is like holding a youth conference every 6 weeks.  So shopping for all those meals takes a while!)  Then I hurried home after picking Don up from the office and cooked for 4 ½ hours with Helen.  After that I worked on the mission newsletter, made dinner, started some laundry, got ready and prepared my talk, went to Stake Conference to speak, came home and finished the newsletter and sent it off to Sister Dean, and then counseled a sister missionary on the phone who is having some problems for about 40 minutes until 11pm.  At 11 I was folding a load of whites on my bed when it occurred to me that I hadn’t read my scriptures yet, (so often it goes like that.)

My thought was, “I’ve been serving God all day long, surely I’ve done enough and I don’t now need to read my scriptures too.” 

Instantly I heard these words in my mind, “Now it is my time for me to bless you Melonie for all you have done.  Reading scriptures is not one more thing you do for me, it is what you do so I can bless you for all you have done.  I can bless you, give to you, fill you up, strengthen you and speak to you.  If you don’t read, it is okay, it is your choice, I don’t condemn you.  I just can’t bless you.”

“I got out my scriptures and started to read.  I immediately felt I was reading the perfect thing.  It was so strengthening to me.  It spoke to my heart as a balm.  I was SO FILLED spiritually.  I wasn’t tired anymore.  I wasn’t depleted.  I wasn’t worn out.  I felt strong, light and capable.  It was a miracle.  It was just like God had said.  As I read I was putting myself in a place that God could bless me.”

“I know spiritual blessings aren’t free.  We have to do some spiritual work to receive them.  I think it is a law of heaven or something.  God can’t work with nothing.  We have to give God something to work with, we have to put ourselves in that place.”

“I am a bit task oriented. So many times I’ve thought of things like scriptures, temple attendance, prayer, etc. as things to be crossed off the list; one more thing to do.  But the Lord has been teaching me that that is not it; I don’t do these things to be obedient so He will bless me.  Doing these things are the blessing.  The blessing of hearing something that inspires me, understanding some knowledge I need that I didn’t get before, feeling stronger or more at peace, etc.”

“It reminds me of a testimony {a woman} gave in my home ward years ago.  She was talking about how many times she has received promptings to go visit someone, write a nice note, or do some other kind act and then she hasn’t done it.  She said, “I’ve come to understand God isn’t there beating me down or even mad at me.  I just don’t receive the blessing of that warm memory, increase in relationship and love, or the strengthening power of doing God’s will.”

Why is understanding this important?  To me it’s because I understand Gods love when I get that He wants me to do things that will bless my life, not because he is in heaven making up a list of a lot of things for me to do and feel guilty about if I can’t get it all done.  I don’t need to feel guilty if I can’t do everything.  I just don’t get that blessing.  It’s my choice.  I don’t need to feel guilty.  But if I will do it, I will walk away from it blessed. 

Here is the shout out for Fathers in the America.

Fatherless homes account for:

63% of youth who commit suicide

90% of all homeless and runaway youths

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders

71% of all high school dropouts

70%of juveniles in state-operated institutions

75%of adolescent patients in substance abuse centers

Fathers are needed and important to the family.  Way to Go Dads!