I’ve actually written a few blogs in the past few years but I never publish them. I don’t know if I’ll publish this one but I might. If I want to. Not because I feel guilt and pressure to do it, but because I want too.
Pray, Repent, Love, Repeat
Tuesday, July 12, 2022
I'm Tired of Feeling Guilt and Pressure
Sunday, December 6, 2020
Do you judge yourself and your value through the eyes of the world?
Most people without recognizing it judge themselves through
the world’s eyes. Are you what the world
says is valuable? Do you have what the
world says is important? Historically
you were valuable if you were born into a noble family, your property and
holdings were large, your income substantial, physical beauty, the color of
your skin, and the skill to charm and socialize with others who were thought to
be important.
What the world values does change in some ways, but consistently
wealth, power, and fame seem to have remained the same. If you’re one of those
people who even subconsciously judge yourself from the view of the world, you
feel valuable when others admire you, pay attention to you, and listen to
you. Heck, if others think you’re great,
then aren’t you great? That would make
sense, right?
For years growing up I thought it was true. I judged myself from the view of the world. I didn’t know it at the time, it was all very
subconscious. But, I heard the world
say I was of value if I was ambitious and accomplishing things, if I was thin
and pretty, on top of things and put together, and eventually I came to realize
I believed it. I had dreams of getting a
master’s degree and teaching dance on a university level, or dancing
professionally. For me, that was the
epitome of reaching my ultimate worth.
When the spirit spoke to me about staying home with my
children and leaving accomplishment behind it was personally devastating. God wanted me to be nothing. I wanted to fight to be more. I
wondered if I should start my own business, maybe have some leadership callings
in the church, etc. At that time I still
didn’t understand I was basing my value on what the world would think of me and
so it bled into my parenting also I
started to see my children through the world’s eyes. They needed to be good at something, be on a
team and excel at sports or music, they needed to get good grades because they
had to go to BYU; they needed to do something important and special, so they
could be important and special. I
mourned when we found out Nathan and Jordan were going to be lucky if they grew
to 5’2”. I was so sad. I knew it would
be so hard to live in a world and feel valued when you are a 5’2” male.
The Lord took me through many different experiences to help
me see what I was doing, the terribleness of it, and get me to the other side;
past the world, where value comes from God and my own divine worth. It took about two years of feeling like a
complete failure when I was around 45 years old for the Lord to put the cherry
on top and finally get me to completely change.
I walked away from those years of crisis with absolute knowledge that
what is in my heart and mind is the absolute most important thing, and God
looks on my heart and never sees or judges me the way the world does.
In our world today I imagine it is incredible hard for young
people to understand and get true value from the correct source. So much visual information is prevalent of
what the world thinks is important. How
many followers, how many likes, how many views instantly pass judgment on your
value as a person. Have you started some
type of business? Has that business made
a lot of money? Is your make-up and hair
the latest trend? Are you doing something
cool on a great vacation? Are your
clothes current? Is your body fit and muscular? Are you making great money at your great job? ETC.
That is all what the world says is valuable about you. It’s so easy to buy into it! But it is a lie.
I’m not saying any of these things are bad. I am just saying they have nothing to do with
your value. If we buy into what the world says makes us
valuable, and it’s really easy to do that, then we are placing ourselves in a
position to be tossed to and fro, seeking our value from a source that lacks depth,
intellect or knowledge; and is only concerned with what is visually obvious. We have no solid foundation basing our personal
worth on what is biased and false.
For example this world is all about competing and
comparing. And when you fall into
comparison and competing you feel lack of confidence and self-esteem and feel
insecure and unworthy. This world is about
being the center of attention and if everyone isn’t looking at you, admiring
you and noticing you then you’re not really that great. This world is about doing things that look
good to be esteemed by men.
Sometimes I even think the church has been infiltrated by
these worldly ideas. That view is that
if you have a leadership calling your better than another. Jesus Christ himself was nothing to the world;
“..he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty
that we should desire him. He is
despised and rejected of men…and we esteemed him not. Mos 14: 2,3.
What a message. The
most important man in the history of the world was despised and rejected of
men; esteemed for not. One day at the
end of my Godly tutorial about this I had the aha moment of what a great place
to be and what great company to be in when you are nothing to the world. That is right where God wanted me to be,
where I could learn the most. “Nothing
to the world”, is divine.
The world’s message is you must do something important, special
and sensational to be seen of men, to be valuable and important.
What I know is that our true source of value comes from God
and Jesus Christ only. That is our only
solid and true foundation. Man does not
see or comprehend all that the Lord does.
If you do a word study in the scriptures on heart, change of
heart, born again, etc. it’s a very spiritual experience. What God is telling us is that he looks upon
the heart. That is what is
important. And the only way we can know
the truth of all things is through the Holy Ghost, by asking God. God is truth.
I don’t know if I am communicating this effectively but this
daily grounds me and changes my life. It
helps me tune out the world. It helps me
not compete or compare myself to anyone.
It helps me love others success and journey. I know God looks on my heart and mind and what
is there for good is what really matters.
So the important questions are: Am I generous and kind? Do I forgive and let go of hurt feelings? Am I grateful and wanting good? Do I stay faithful and committed even when I am
struggling? Am I meek and lowly in heart,
willing to see I am not right, complete, whole or developed?
I need a Savior. I
need to change and repent. Am I filled
with charity?
These are the things that are important. These are the things to work on and
refine. This is the work of our lives;
to become holy, people that can and want to live with God.
I was thinking this morning as I was praying, or more like
recognizing as I was praying, that I have this tiny grudge in my heart against
someone who hurt my feelings last week.
It’s something that is not a big deal, I resolved it with the person
right away, but inside I could feel the judgment against the person was still
there. As I took it out and examined it
I thought about who I am. Do I hold
grudges and place judgment on people if they offend me? Do I want to be that
kind of person? Will I hold that against them and think they
are unkind or not trustworthy? Will I
secretly hold that in my heart? What does
God want me to feel? What would God want
me to be and do? These were my
questions. And my answer was, “Yeeess,
you should work on this. Pay attention
to this, repent, your Savor can help you.”
And that is what made me want to write this blog. All these little things in our heart that are
so important to repent of. But also all
the good and righteous desires in our hearts are important to focus on too. Our greatest value. The most important thing. If we are focused on anything that takes us
away from working on what is in our heart and mind; what we are becoming, then
we are diluting life. We are falling
into the snare of the adversary. We
trade what is most valuable for a mess of pottage.
I know God loves us because of who he is, not because of
what we are. I’m not talking about God’s
perspective of value. He values us no
matter what. I’m talking about how we value and see our
self. If we can see what is truly
valuable; which is who we are becoming, then we can let the business and
distractions of the world go, which are in truth hurting our heart and
mind. What’s in there is what’s
valuable. It determines if we will want
to live with God again. Not just if we can,
but if we want too. Do we want to live
that high of a standard?
I think on earth that standard translates too: Do we want to
feel connected to God every day? Do we
want to pray? Do we want to go to
church? Do we want to attend the
temple? Do we want to read scriptures? Not just as check off list to be done with
them, but because we are looking for spiritual light and knowledge to fill ourselves. Do we want to do service and show love? Do we want peace and good? Do we want to let go of anything that takes
us away from the spirit, including our hurt, angry and bitter feelings, not
just sins. Do we just want to feel love?
It brings so much peace to me when I let go of what the
world tells me is important and valuable.
I don’t have to be anything or do anything that the world thinks makes
me of worth. I only have to look to God
for my value and let him tell me what to do, be and feel. He is the best source of truth and
light.
Here are some scriptures you may want to ponder. These are my favorite emotional and mental
health scriptures. To really understand
them read more than what is just here.
• Ether
12:37- If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou hast
been faithful…
• Alma
42:29-…let these things trouble you no more, only let your sins trouble you….
• Alma
8:15-…lift up your head and rejoice, for thou hast kept the commandments of
God…..
• Hardheartedness
and Heart scriptures in the index
• Jacob
1:17 and Jacob 2:11 where Jacob inquires of the Lord and receives his “errand”
from the Lord of what God wants.
Love you all. Have a
great Sabbath!
Sunday, November 22, 2020
Gratitude is THE WAY
Gratitude is near and dear to my heart. I have two previous blog post’s: “Grateful in
all things” and “Gratitude is Repentance” that both talk about how gratitude
saved me the last year of our mission and how it helped me survive coming home
to even harder circumstances. (Please read those if you want to know more of my
journey of learning about how gratitude saves.)
Those years were the “greatest deep”, of my life and every
day I feel so grateful to be out of that.
I’m revisiting my journey of gratitude learning because of Pres Nielsen’s
message this week. It’s been so good for
me.
I remember the despair I felt during those years. It was acute; it would come at me,
threatening to drown me, I couldn’t breathe and I would instantly feel like
crying. (This wasn’t good since
sometimes it would hit me right in the middle of a missionary training when a
missionary would make a comment about how much that Lord was blessing his or her
family.) Oh my gosh, the despair and
heartache would be instant and I felt like I was destroyed, just by a
missionary’s comment. But in the same
exact moment, I would feel in opposition a supportive power whispering to me to
think of things to be grateful for. I
think it was ministering angels trying to help me fight. The power was saying, “Think of things to be
grateful for. Think of things to be grateful for.” Over and over again. And in the moment the only way I was going to
survive is to literally start saying any little thing in my mind I could think
of that was a blessing. (If you want to
read more about this it’s in the post: “Can God speak in the very moment you’re
asking?”)
This was a constant spiritual time for me as I felt two
forces waging a significant battle in my life.
This wasn’t a once a day type of thing, this was multiple times a day as
despair would threaten to cut off my air supply, and then a spiritual power
pushing at me to think of things to be grateful for. It’s was like a war. I learned so much about gratitude that I wrote
about in those previous posts - that in summary helped me to understand that
gratitude is a tool to God, it’s a conduit to heaven, its repentance, and it’s
a way to fight against the anger, hate, worry, doubt and fear of the
world. It’s a way to fight against the “natural
man who is an enemy to God” and is NEVER grateful.
Gratitude is the way.
I should say, “THE WAY”. Meaning
God’s way. Gratitude takes willingness,
softness, and trust. It is a spiritual exercise.
Sometimes it takes a lot of self-discipline and mental strength.
So, what I am grateful for now in my life is Don’s health! He is doing well and I can feel good about
where he is at. Our relationship is such
a blessing. He is my best friend and I
am learning so much from him, still.
I am so grateful Nathan is doing amazingly well in his two
year rehab program and will be coming home in 4 ½ months. I am nervous for that, but grateful.
I love our new home and feel so grateful that we were able
to down size and sell our dream home that in the end was a burden to us.
I am so grateful for the people my children are. They are all great individuals and I am so
grateful to have each one of them.
As I think of these things I’m having this thought: Every
one of the things I just mentioned reflects change, growth and learning in my
life, meaning I wasn’t always grateful for the hard things that surrounded
them. But I am now. That teaches me that gratitude causes change,
growth and learning. As change occurs I
see and think differently and that is so good!
I need to see and think differently.
Gratitude really is Repentance that causes change.
I am totally in love with life, it’s so good. Not because it’s easy but because all that
hard has led to some really meaningful growth and change for me. I love and trust God with all my heart. I am so in love with Him and His plan. I know more hard is coming, I can feel
it. But I am so grateful for this moment
of reprieve and Pres Nielsen’s encouragement that has lead me to look back and
feel amazed at what God can do in all our circumstances.
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Is the "Great Deep" worth it?
I love the imagery of the “great deep” in the Book of
Mormon, Ether Chapters as, “a fitting way to describe what our trails and challenges
sometimes feel like.” (CFM) I know all “deeps” are not created equal. From my experience there are deeps, great
deeps and the greatest deep.
I am a few years out of my greatest deep and I noticed something
this week as I reflect on that time. The
side effect of any of my recollections is gratitude and even joy. I know!
It’s a bit astonishing to me too. I keep thinking about how grateful I am that Nathan
is 18 months into his rehab; what a miracle.
So grateful that even though remodeling and selling our dream home of 20
years was emotionally and physically exhausting we landed in the absolute
perfect home for us and couldn’t deny the miracle we saw in that happening. I
love our house and still 2 ½ years later feel that giddy feeling when I think
of the miracle of landing here. Don’s health
is stable and he is doing well. And
things keep working out for us financially.
I have seen little and quite big miracles through all of it. I feel like I’m in the Avatar movie looking
at God right in the eyes saying, “I see you”.
You know, in that really intense way in the movie? And he is saying
back, “I see you”.
It makes me feel that, “deeps”, give God the opportunity to put
on a show. Show his hand, his power, his
love, his character, his reality, his compassion. And as we see the show, we know him
better. That tells me the “great deeps”
are like entering the arena of God, where life puts us in a place to see God if
we will open our eyes.
Are the deeps worth it?
Is it worth the pain and despair to come to know God?
I have to say I don’t ever think I have thought the “great
deeps” were worth it when I was in the middle of them. But looking back I can’t think of one deep
that wasn’t so worth it…..once I landed.
When I feel and see a change in me for the better; change of: knowledge,
wisdom, character, personality, belief, etc. then it is worth it. Change is sacred, and change makes the “deep”
meaningful and worth it.
I remember a returned sister missionary who went through debilitating
depression for a few years after her mission and during her first years of
marriage. She felt past feeling for everything. She couldn’t feel the spirit or pretty much
anything else. My memory is that her
marriage and testimony were really suffering because of it. I called her to talk about it and she asked
me a question that I will never forget; she was crying in anguish when she
asked, “Why would God create or allow a trial like depression to exist where we
couldn’t feel the spirit?” “It seems
like it’s not fair if you can’t feel the spirit.”
I did not have an answer for that. I still don’t know. But, I have thought about it a lot.
Why are we given the things we are given? Is it fair to have something given to you
where you can’t feel the spirit? I do
know that what she was saying is true, serious depression can create an inability
to feel the spirit. I know I had a similar
question about Nathan being born gay.
How can that be fair? Nathan’s
entire life, entire existence, entire test, would be so different because of
who he is, if he wasn’t born gay. How
can this life for him be a fair test?
One of my changes from part of this “greatest deep” I just
landed from is personal to me, from God, about this. He says to me, “Don’t worry.” And I know it is God because I instantly feel
the peace that passeth all understanding when I hear it. “Don’t worry.” Meaning all things will be made fair in the
end. All tears will be wiped away. Christ’s atonement is as powerful as it needs
to be to heal all things, give all mercy and kindness to us. I know this is true. I don’t have all the answers but I know, I don’t
need to worry.
Another sacred change for me from my greatest deep is,
love. I love better, I empathize more, I
understand more accurately. I see
differently than I did. I know that my
way and my thoughts are not Gods; even if I think I know God’s way and what he
is thinking, it’s not. “I cannot comprehend all the things which the Lord doth
comprehend”, even when I think I do. I
am such a better person when I just love and don’t think I know what is right
for someone else.
And this greatest deep has helped me to know God
better. I know that I really can trust
Him. For years I couldn’t pray, “Thy
will be done in my life”, any more. I
was in too much pain and just kind of scared of anything else happening. But years after landing, and feeling back and
better, I see that even if it was God who gave me all of that stuff on purpose
and it wasn’t just life happening, that it was good. Even if all that pain was divinely designed I
know I can trust God. It was so hard,
but it was good. I have landed and that “great
deep” is behind me and I am better because of it.
You may be in a great deep.
I would say what I know, “Hang on to Him and he will get you through it.” “He knows what you need more than you know
what you need.” And, “Look for the miracles along the way, he is showing
himself to you.” “See Him”.
I love you.
PS I mention in a previous post, "Doing Hard Can't Be Pretty", about this "greatest deep" if you wanted to read more about how ugly that was. :)
Sunday, June 21, 2020
It was a beautiful day.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”