Every day I need to change. I feel that strongly. Writing this blog is one of the changes I have needed to make in my life for two years. How sad is that!!
I have received promptings since Don and I were in the MTC to write a blog. We were encouraged there to bring people to Christ in all ways and one of the ways they suggested was to write a blog. I felt instantly that I should do that. And instantly I filled my mind with, “I can’t’s and I’m not’s”;
· I’m not a writer. (I’m not that great at grammar and punctuation either.)
· I’m not capable.
· No one will read it.
· I don’t have time for that.
· No one will read it. (I know I said this before, but it deserved to be said twice since this is my biggest argument with the Lord.)
I feel ashamed that I have received so many promptings over the last two years and have ignored them and pushed them aside. I have actually been repenting and promising the Lord I would do this for about 5 months now, and I ‘m just barely doing it. How bad is that! I have to just laugh at myself. But I have 8 months to cram 3 years of spiritual learning into. I hope I can do it and that it will be what the Lord intends for it to be.
What I have learned from the 2 year process of beginning to write this blog is:
Good stands on its own. We teach that to the missionaries. Good isn't good because of the result we achieve. In missionary terms that means talking to people you feel prompted to talk to is good, weather they are interested in the gospel or not. Teaching a lesson, knocking on a certain door, or planning a particular finding activity is good, in spite of the outcome. Trusting in the Lord means we do good without worrying about what the outcome was or will be. So it is a good thing for me to write this blog whether anyone will read it or not.
Overcoming fear is huge if I want to consecrate myself to the Lord. Fear is the big reason I have been arguing with the Lord over this blog. If you fill your mind and heart with I can’t’s and I’m not’s, you can’t and you’re not. If you think you can’t, you can’t. We also talk to the missionaries about this all the time. If you get up in the morning and tell yourself you can’t exercise, can’t study, can’t pray, can’t talk to everyone, can’t be nice to your companion, you won’t exercise, study, pray, talk or be nice. I know the fruit of the spirit is confidence and trust in ourselves and in the Lord.
My intent in writing this blog is to bring anyone who reads it closer to Christ through sharing honestly my own experiences of learning and growing. I want to be honest, that is my nature, but I also feel in my heart I have to protect people, (missionaries, children, my husband, myself, investigators, etc.), so in some things I will not be totally forthright and won’t be using names, and may be vague about the situation. But I feel the need to be honest. I never learn from perfect people or situations. So honesty for me is important.
I will write about my experience of learning and growth. I will include spiritual experiences, training's I have given, things I have written to the missionaries, changes I have gone through, things missionaries have taught me or said that have touched me, and experiences I have had as I have tried to invite and teach people the gospel.
I know the Lord has a hand in our lives. I've never felt it more than on this mission. I want to do His work in His way and for me one of the ways I feel I can bring others to Christ is to write what we are going through, what we are learning and how our eyes are being opened to the absolute reality of God’s hand in our lives.
This is a work of faith for me. You have no idea. I am conquering huge doubt and fear by starting this blog and even posting this one entry. But I feel so happy in doing it. Repentance and change makes our life a miracle. Every time I am willing to change and repent I feel it is a victory.