To my missionaries, mission prep students and my hurting friend,
I always want to bring you closer to Christ. The constant question
is how? I am a pretty authentic person
and don’t mind sharing what has happened in my life and what it has taught
me. I hope you don’t mind me re-sharing and
re-posting some personal things that has brought learning and growth into my
life in hopes that it will bring you closer to Christ. So much of my heart is
contained in this letter. This is Thanksgiving week so I hope you can
invite gratitude everyday into your heart and mind, and see what happens.
I feel gratitude is a form of repentance and brings patience into
our lives. I have to admit that the last
5 years has forced me to learn this because of all the hard things that Brother
Mullen and I have gone through. The things that happened to us surrounding our
mission and after coming home have been my continual teacher.
It all started on our mission when so many hard things were
happening with our family that I couldn’t see blessings. I felt our family
and finances were falling apart. Every
one of our children were struggling and our twin sons, Nathan and Jordan, had
very difficult trials and turned away from God and the Church, all while we
served full time. I thought our family
would be blessed, we had been promised God would take care of our children if
we would take care of the missionaries.
By the third year of our mission I was devastated and in so much
pain. I literally felt God had forgotten
us and I couldn’t see one blessing in my life.
I settled into a fog of confusion as we realized our beautiful, bright
son was addicted to meth and both of our twin boys were turning against us a
parents and their relationship toward us became brutal.
At this time all I could do is pray all day long, “Please let me
see the blessings”, constantly. It was a continual thought over and over,
because I was in so much pain and I was so confused. We served all day long, every day- other
people’s children who were growing in the gospel, having amazing spiritual
experiences, yet our boys were hitting rock bottom. I remember one weekend when we had really
been trying to get Nathan to go to a rehab facility and he came up
missing. For 3 days we had no idea where
he was and he wasn’t answering his phone.
It was Zone Conference week for us and we were speaking, training, feeding
and talking to missionaries that whole week.
It was surreal as I helped clean up after lunch on a Friday, hadn’t
heard from Nathan in days, and thought my son could be dead in a ditch
somewhere and here I am cleaning up lunch, getting ready to speak to
missionaries. (He had been set up; given
some bad drugs so someone could steal his computer and phone. Thankfully some
good Samaritan took him to the emergency room.
A taxi brought him home Sunday morning from the hospital.)
Again, I tried to focus on the blessings, it was an exercise of my
mind to express gratitude and not think of the hard thing that was causing pain
or stress. As I expressed gratitude for blessings I always felt like it
was a conduit to heaven. The minute I started to place myself in a state
of thanks I would immediately feel instant heaven. It taught me a
lot. I was amazed at what gratitude could do to help me feel instantly
changed. This was God’s beginning
tutorial for me on how gratitude can change everything.
Coming home from our mission seemed to continue the pattern.
My mother passed away, Don got Parkinson’s, we moved twice, took over the care
of my ailing father, lost our “job”, and had to face how to recover financially
when we had no job prospects, started serving in a demanding calling at the
MTC, and I fell into a deep depression from the trauma of it all-all within
weeks of us coming home.
At this time I just survived.
I felt like I was drowning and barely keeping my nose above water to
breathe. But as I kept praying to see
blessings, and focused on the words God was speaking to my mind about holding
on and staying with Him, I started to see the blessings in the midst of the
trials:
My mother died, but I had prayed that she
would stay alive until I got home and I could have a chance to care for her for
a while. That was exactly what happened,
God preserved her life until I got home and I was able to care for her for 3
weeks. It was sacred and I came to see
He had answered my prayer, exactly. I had
to have a change of heart to see the truth of that.
Don developed Parkinson’s. It was devastating. But I came to see he is still doing well. And I came to understand that God blessed us
with great health our entire mission. He
didn’t strike Don with Parkinson’s, He withheld the Parkinson’s until we
finished our work in the mission field.
I
wanted Don to get a job or a real estate project right away when we got
home. I was in a panic and I wanted to
solve the problem quick. A quick job did
not happen. A project didn’t happen for
two years, but we saw unexplained miracles with our finances.
Nathan was addicted to drugs, but we got
him into rehab and our relationship with him became wonderful again. (He relapsed for two years, but he is in rehab
again now which is another blessing.)
We had to remodel and sale our dream home,
but we miraculously had the energy to do the work and found the money to do
it. Then found an amazing home that
miraculously appeared on the market just two weeks before we had to move. ETC!
This may sound easy to you as you read these words on this
paper. But none of these, “But’s” were
easy. They reflect spiritual work to see
something in a spiritual way, way different than what my natural, instinctive person's experience
was.
I now understand that God has given us agency. He has to respect that agency. This plan of life includes death, failing
health, mistakes, and natural consequences from living in a fallen world. The plan must continue on and we must go
through it. It is going to be
painful. It is an exercise of faith to
stay with Him, keep trusting Him and loving Him.
I came to know God better at this time. He couldn’t give me everything I wanted, but
if I was willing to be soft and open I could see that he was still very aware
of me and blessing my life. I was in a
world of hurt, so much I couldn’t even hold on to the hope He was trying to
give me, but gradually healing happened and I could start trying to see, feel
and understand.
I felt I could relate to Moroni’s account of Alma’s experience,
when they were put under bondage in the wilderness. Here Alma is going
against King Noah and all the other wicked priests and following after Abinadi.
He is trying to do what is right, he is sacrificing his safety and comfort to
bring others closer to Christ. You would think God would make it easy and
they would be blessed. But instead they are found and put in
bondage.
Moroni says in Mos 23: 21-23 about Alma’s situation; the Lord
seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and
faith…..yet-whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at
the last day….for they were brought into bondage and none could deliver them
but the Lord….
It tells me that trials are a very specific tool used to help us
see and know God. Think about it. If everything was easy in our
lives, we would never feel the need for a Savior, the gospel, or the need to
turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer. Trials put us in a state of
vulnerability which makes us a little more tender and open; seeking and
searching for understanding, comfort and strength. It drives us to our
knees with more intention and purpose; seeking our Heavenly Fathers assistance.
Times like these give our God a chance to show himself. We
come to know God in our extremities.
In the next chapter Alma himself talks about what God promised
them, “…….I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that
even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and
this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me here after, and that ye
may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their
afflictions.” He is saying, “You will have trials, and if you will stay
with me through it, you’ll come out knowing me better and being able to witness
of me.
Because of my own experience I KNOW THIS IS TRUE! I can’t say enough, years later and looking
back, that God will be with you, even in the middle of devastating pain, when
you feel you can’t hold on to any hope, when you are just a sieve, (when
anything that may help just runs through you)-that God was there the whole
time, patient, kind, merciful, trying to heal the entire way through it. If you stay with Him.
It’s the same way with Ammon. In Alma 26:35, Ammon is
expressing his profound gratitude to God for all those trials and sacrifice
they went through on their 15 year mission, “we have suffered all manner of
afflictions that we might be the means of saving some souls….”
Ammon says perfectly what happened to them because they stuck with
God, had faith in Him through it all, and were able to see the blessings even
though they suffered and everything didn’t make perfect sense; Alma 26:35, now
have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that
had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is
carried away, even unto boasting in my god; for he has all power, all wisdom,
and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being,
even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
What I see in that verse is amazing. They had these trials,
they suffered, God saw fit to try their patience, and some of their people even
died. And because of it they came to know their God profoundly;
intimately. So much so that they described him as – “all power, all
wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a
merciful Being even unto salvation……” but,
It takes humility and repentance to come to that kind of
knowledge.
The very same sentence he adds, “….to those who will repent and
believe on his name.”
I think it is hard to be humble. That may just be me, but my
experience has been I have to work at being soft and open when I’m in the
middle of pain from a trial I don’t understand. But it is the answer that
will solve problems, it brings the ability to hear the answers God is
communicating and the willingness to believe and follow those answers.
This is the important part. Repentance comes from the Greek
words: meta=change of form, and noval=mind, knowledge, spirit, breath, (meaning
life). Basically, change our mind. When we change our form
to be in a state of gratitude we are actually repenting. The
natural man is never grateful! The natural man is an enemy to God.
He can’t feel the spirit in his state of seeking the will of his flesh, his way
and his expectations.
Gratitude as a state of repentance means change from the natural
way. It is not easy amidst pain, doubt, confusion, and hurt to repent! To
be grateful! Yet what God promises is that if we will be humble
and repent he will show His power to us and we will come to know
him. This knowledge isn’t free. There is a price to know
God.
What I know is that this is true. I have been hearing God
say for years, “Hold on I’ll get you there.”
What I know now better, is that He is all power, all wisdom, all
understanding and merciful. He knows a lot more than I do.
And I also know he is very, very patient. I’m sad he has had to exercise
so much patience with me and it has taken me such a long time to stop asking
why, and just decide it doesn’t matter. Gratitude is the step that has
gotten me through the pain to the other side.
I choose faith and trust. With all my heart I choose God.
When I feel a question forming, I just lay it aside and think, it doesn’t
matter, I choose God, I want to live by faith and I don’t care about anything
else.
One more scripture that I feel is perfect when talking about
gratitude is, Alma 26, 29…..if you should render all the thanks and
praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created
you, and has kept and preserved you and has caused that ye should rejoice, and
has granted that ye should live in peace one with another--- I say unto you
that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is
preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and
move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment
to another-I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would
be unprofitable servants.
I know this was long. If
you made it through, thank you for reading.
As you face the struggle of life, school, family, friends, health, etc.,
what I want you to know is no matter how much confusion, darkness or trial
there is in life, if you will be humble and create a grateful heart inside, you
will be closer to heaven, see more clearly, recognize the miracles and realize
you an are unprofitable servant as you become more intimately acquainted with
God and realize how much He has done for you. Depending on what you go
through it may take time to get there, but it's the best feeling in the world
to stay with God and let Him do His work in your life.
I love you and I know God loves you too, Happy Thanksgiving,
Sister Mullen
