Gratitude is THE WAY

 

Gratitude is near and dear to my heart.  I have two previous blog post’s: “Grateful in all things” and “Gratitude is Repentance” that both talk about how gratitude saved me the last year of our mission and how it helped me survive coming home to even harder circumstances. (Please read those if you want to know more of my journey of learning about how gratitude saves.)

Those years were the “greatest deep”, of my life and every day I feel so grateful to be out of that.  I’m revisiting my journey of gratitude learning because of Pres Nielsen’s message this week.  It’s been so good for me. 

I remember the despair I felt during those years.  It was acute; it would come at me, threatening to drown me, I couldn’t breathe and I would instantly feel like crying.  (This wasn’t good since sometimes it would hit me right in the middle of a missionary training when a missionary would make a comment about how much that Lord was blessing his or her family.)  Oh my gosh, the despair and heartache would be instant and I felt like I was destroyed, just by a missionary’s comment.  But in the same exact moment, I would feel in opposition a supportive power whispering to me to think of things to be grateful for.  I think it was ministering angels trying to help me fight.  The power was saying, “Think of things to be grateful for. Think of things to be grateful for.”  Over and over again.  And in the moment the only way I was going to survive is to literally start saying any little thing in my mind I could think of that was a blessing.  (If you want to read more about this it’s in the post: “Can God speak in the very moment you’re asking?”)

This was a constant spiritual time for me as I felt two forces waging a significant battle in my life.  This wasn’t a once a day type of thing, this was multiple times a day as despair would threaten to cut off my air supply, and then a spiritual power pushing at me to think of things to be grateful for.  It’s was like a war.  I learned so much about gratitude that I wrote about in those previous posts - that in summary helped me to understand that gratitude is a tool to God, it’s a conduit to heaven, its repentance, and it’s a way to fight against the anger, hate, worry, doubt and fear of the world.  It’s a way to fight against the “natural man who is an enemy to God” and is NEVER grateful. 

Gratitude is the way.  I should say, “THE WAY”.  Meaning God’s way.  Gratitude takes willingness, softness, and trust.  It is a spiritual exercise. Sometimes it takes a lot of self-discipline and mental strength. 

So, what I am grateful for now in my life is Don’s health!  He is doing well and I can feel good about where he is at.  Our relationship is such a blessing.  He is my best friend and I am learning so much from him, still. 

I am so grateful Nathan is doing amazingly well in his two year rehab program and will be coming home in 4 ½ months.  I am nervous for that, but grateful.

I love our new home and feel so grateful that we were able to down size and sell our dream home that in the end was a burden to us.

I am so grateful for the people my children are.  They are all great individuals and I am so grateful to have each one of them.

As I think of these things I’m having this thought: Every one of the things I just mentioned reflects change, growth and learning in my life, meaning I wasn’t always grateful for the hard things that surrounded them.  But I am now.  That teaches me that gratitude causes change, growth and learning.  As change occurs I see and think differently and that is so good!  I need to see and think differently.  Gratitude really is Repentance that causes change. 

I am totally in love with life, it’s so good.  Not because it’s easy but because all that hard has led to some really meaningful growth and change for me.  I love and trust God with all my heart.  I am so in love with Him and His plan.  I know more hard is coming, I can feel it.  But I am so grateful for this moment of reprieve and Pres Nielsen’s encouragement that has lead me to look back and feel amazed at what God can do in all our circumstances.

Is the "Great Deep" worth it?

 

I love the imagery of the “great deep” in the Book of Mormon, Ether Chapters as, “a fitting way to describe what our trails and challenges sometimes feel like.” (CFM)   I know all “deeps” are not created equal.  From my experience there are deeps, great deeps and the greatest deep.

I am a few years out of my greatest deep and I noticed something this week as I reflect on that time.  The side effect of any of my recollections is gratitude and even joy.  I know!  It’s a bit astonishing to me too.  I keep thinking about how grateful I am that Nathan is 18 months into his rehab; what a miracle.  So grateful that even though remodeling and selling our dream home of 20 years was emotionally and physically exhausting we landed in the absolute perfect home for us and couldn’t deny the miracle we saw in that happening. I love our house and still 2 ½ years later feel that giddy feeling when I think of the miracle of landing here.  Don’s health is stable and he is doing well.  And things keep working out for us financially.  I have seen little and quite big miracles through all of it.  I feel like I’m in the Avatar movie looking at God right in the eyes saying, “I see you”.  You know, in that really intense way in the movie? And he is saying back, “I see you”.

It makes me feel that, “deeps”, give God the opportunity to put on a show.  Show his hand, his power, his love, his character, his reality, his compassion.  And as we see the show, we know him better.  That tells me the “great deeps” are like entering the arena of God, where life puts us in a place to see God if we will open our eyes.

Are the deeps worth it?  Is it worth the pain and despair to come to know God?

I have to say I don’t ever think I have thought the “great deeps” were worth it when I was in the middle of them.  But looking back I can’t think of one deep that wasn’t so worth it…..once I landed.  When I feel and see a change in me for the better; change of: knowledge, wisdom, character, personality, belief, etc. then it is worth it.  Change is sacred, and change makes the “deep” meaningful and worth it.

I remember a returned sister missionary who went through debilitating depression for a few years after her mission and during her first years of marriage.  She felt past feeling for everything.  She couldn’t feel the spirit or pretty much anything else.  My memory is that her marriage and testimony were really suffering because of it.  I called her to talk about it and she asked me a question that I will never forget; she was crying in anguish when she asked, “Why would God create or allow a trial like depression to exist where we couldn’t feel the spirit?”  “It seems like it’s not fair if you can’t feel the spirit.”

I did not have an answer for that.  I still don’t know.  But, I have thought about it a lot. 

Why are we given the things we are given?  Is it fair to have something given to you where you can’t feel the spirit?  I do know that what she was saying is true, serious depression can create an inability to feel the spirit.  I know I had a similar question about Nathan being born gay.  How can that be fair?  Nathan’s entire life, entire existence, entire test, would be so different because of who he is, if he wasn’t born gay.  How can this life for him be a fair test?

One of my changes from part of this “greatest deep” I just landed from is personal to me, from God, about this.  He says to me, “Don’t worry.”  And I know it is God because I instantly feel the peace that passeth all understanding when I hear it. “Don’t worry.”  Meaning all things will be made fair in the end.  All tears will be wiped away.  Christ’s atonement is as powerful as it needs to be to heal all things, give all mercy and kindness to us.  I know this is true.  I don’t have all the answers but I know, I don’t need to worry. 

Another sacred change for me from my greatest deep is, love.  I love better, I empathize more, I understand more accurately.  I see differently than I did.  I know that my way and my thoughts are not Gods; even if I think I know God’s way and what he is thinking, it’s not. “I cannot comprehend all the things which the Lord doth comprehend”, even when I think I do.  I am such a better person when I just love and don’t think I know what is right for someone else.

And this greatest deep has helped me to know God better.  I know that I really can trust Him.  For years I couldn’t pray, “Thy will be done in my life”, any more.  I was in too much pain and just kind of scared of anything else happening.  But years after landing, and feeling back and better, I see that even if it was God who gave me all of that stuff on purpose and it wasn’t just life happening, that it was good.  Even if all that pain was divinely designed I know I can trust God.  It was so hard, but it was good.  I have landed and that “great deep” is behind me and I am better because of it.

You may be in a great deep.  I would say what I know, “Hang on to Him and he will get you through it.”  “He knows what you need more than you know what you need.” And, “Look for the miracles along the way, he is showing himself to you.”  “See Him”.

I love you.

PS  I mention in a previous post, "Doing Hard Can't Be Pretty", about this "greatest deep" if you wanted to read more about how ugly that was.  :)