Do you judge yourself and your value through the eyes of the world?

 

Most people without recognizing it judge themselves through the world’s eyes.  Are you what the world says is valuable?  Do you have what the world says is important?  Historically you were valuable if you were born into a noble family, your property and holdings were large, your income substantial, physical beauty, the color of your skin, and the skill to charm and socialize with others who were thought to be important.

What the world values does change in some ways, but consistently wealth, power, and fame seem to have remained the same. If you’re one of those people who even subconsciously judge yourself from the view of the world, you feel valuable when others admire you, pay attention to you, and listen to you.  Heck, if others think you’re great, then aren’t you great?  That would make sense, right?

For years growing up I thought it was true.  I judged myself from the view of the world.  I didn’t know it at the time, it was all very subconscious.   But, I heard the world say I was of value if I was ambitious and accomplishing things, if I was thin and pretty, on top of things and put together, and eventually I came to realize I believed it.  I had dreams of getting a master’s degree and teaching dance on a university level, or dancing professionally.  For me, that was the epitome of reaching my ultimate worth. 

When the spirit spoke to me about staying home with my children and leaving accomplishment behind it was personally devastating.  God wanted me to be nothing.  I wanted to fight to be more.   I wondered if I should start my own business, maybe have some leadership callings in the church, etc.  At that time I still didn’t understand I was basing my value on what the world would think of me and so it bled into my parenting also  I started to see my children through the world’s eyes.  They needed to be good at something, be on a team and excel at sports or music, they needed to get good grades because they had to go to BYU; they needed to do something important and special, so they could be important and special.  I mourned when we found out Nathan and Jordan were going to be lucky if they grew to 5’2”.  I was so sad. I knew it would be so hard to live in a world and feel valued when you are a 5’2” male. 

The Lord took me through many different experiences to help me see what I was doing, the terribleness of it, and get me to the other side; past the world, where value comes from God and my own divine worth.  It took about two years of feeling like a complete failure when I was around 45 years old for the Lord to put the cherry on top and finally get me to completely change.  I walked away from those years of crisis with absolute knowledge that what is in my heart and mind is the absolute most important thing, and God looks on my heart and never sees or judges me the way the world does.     

In our world today I imagine it is incredible hard for young people to understand and get true value from the correct source.  So much visual information is prevalent of what the world thinks is important.  How many followers, how many likes, how many views instantly pass judgment on your value as a person.  Have you started some type of business?  Has that business made a lot of money?  Is your make-up and hair the latest trend?  Are you doing something cool on a great vacation?   Are your clothes current?   Is your body fit and muscular?  Are you making great money at your great job?  ETC.  That is all what the world says is valuable about you.  It’s so easy to buy into it!  But it is a lie. 

I’m not saying any of these things are bad.  I am just saying they have nothing to do with your value.   If we buy into what the world says makes us valuable, and it’s really easy to do that, then we are placing ourselves in a position to be tossed to and fro, seeking our value from a source that lacks depth, intellect or knowledge; and is only concerned with what is visually obvious.  We have no solid foundation basing our personal worth on what is biased and false.

For example this world is all about competing and comparing.  And when you fall into comparison and competing you feel lack of confidence and self-esteem and feel insecure and unworthy.  This world is about being the center of attention and if everyone isn’t looking at you, admiring you and noticing you then you’re not really that great.  This world is about doing things that look good to be esteemed by men.

Sometimes I even think the church has been infiltrated by these worldly ideas.  That view is that if you have a leadership calling your better than another.  Jesus Christ himself was nothing to the world; “..he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him.  He is despised and rejected of men…and we esteemed him not.  Mos 14: 2,3.

What a message.  The most important man in the history of the world was despised and rejected of men; esteemed for not.  One day at the end of my Godly tutorial about this I had the aha moment of what a great place to be and what great company to be in when you are nothing to the world.  That is right where God wanted me to be, where I could learn the most.  “Nothing to the world”, is divine. 

The world’s message is you must do something important, special and sensational to be seen of men, to be valuable and important. 

What I know is that our true source of value comes from God and Jesus Christ only.   That is our only solid and true foundation.  Man does not see or comprehend all that the Lord does.    

If you do a word study in the scriptures on heart, change of heart, born again, etc. it’s a very spiritual experience.  What God is telling us is that he looks upon the heart.  That is what is important.  And the only way we can know the truth of all things is through the Holy Ghost, by asking God.  God is truth. 

I don’t know if I am communicating this effectively but this daily grounds me and changes my life.  It helps me tune out the world.  It helps me not compete or compare myself to anyone.  It helps me love others success and journey.  I know God looks on my heart and mind and what is there for good is what really matters. 

So the important questions are: Am I generous and kind?  Do I forgive and let go of hurt feelings?  Am I grateful and wanting good?  Do I stay faithful and committed even when I am struggling?  Am I meek and lowly in heart, willing to see I am not right, complete, whole or developed? 

I need a Savior.  I need to change and repent.  Am I filled with charity? 

These are the things that are important.  These are the things to work on and refine.  This is the work of our lives; to become holy, people that can and want to live with God. 

I was thinking this morning as I was praying, or more like recognizing as I was praying, that I have this tiny grudge in my heart against someone who hurt my feelings last week.  It’s something that is not a big deal, I resolved it with the person right away, but inside I could feel the judgment against the person was still there.  As I took it out and examined it I thought about who I am.  Do I hold grudges and place judgment on people if they offend me? Do I want to be that kind of person?    Will I hold that against them and think they are unkind or not trustworthy?  Will I secretly hold that in my heart?  What does God want me to feel?  What would God want me to be and do?  These were my questions.  And my answer was, “Yeeess, you should work on this.  Pay attention to this, repent, your Savor can help you.”

And that is what made me want to write this blog.  All these little things in our heart that are so important to repent of.  But also all the good and righteous desires in our hearts are important to focus on too.  Our greatest value.  The most important thing.  If we are focused on anything that takes us away from working on what is in our heart and mind; what we are becoming, then we are diluting life.  We are falling into the snare of the adversary.  We trade what is most valuable for a mess of pottage.

I know God loves us because of who he is, not because of what we are.  I’m not talking about God’s perspective of value.  He values us no matter what.   I’m talking about how we value and see our self.  If we can see what is truly valuable; which is who we are becoming, then we can let the business and distractions of the world go, which are in truth hurting our heart and mind.  What’s in there is what’s valuable.  It determines if we will want to live with God again.  Not just if we can, but if we want too.  Do we want to live that high of a standard? 

I think on earth that standard translates too: Do we want to feel connected to God every day?  Do we want to pray?  Do we want to go to church?  Do we want to attend the temple?  Do we want to read scriptures?  Not just as check off list to be done with them, but because we are looking for spiritual light and knowledge to fill ourselves.  Do we want to do service and show love?  Do we want peace and good?  Do we want to let go of anything that takes us away from the spirit, including our hurt, angry and bitter feelings, not just sins.  Do we just want to feel love?

It brings so much peace to me when I let go of what the world tells me is important and valuable.  I don’t have to be anything or do anything that the world thinks makes me of worth.  I only have to look to God for my value and let him tell me what to do, be and feel.  He is the best source of truth and light. 

Here are some scriptures you may want to ponder.  These are my favorite emotional and mental health scriptures.  To really understand them read more than what is just here.

•       Ether 12:37- If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou hast been faithful…

•       Alma 42:29-…let these things trouble you no more, only let your sins trouble you….

•       Alma 8:15-…lift up your head and rejoice, for thou hast kept the commandments of God…..

•       Hardheartedness and Heart scriptures in the index

•       Jacob 1:17 and Jacob 2:11 where Jacob inquires of the Lord and receives his “errand” from the Lord of what God wants.

Love you all.  Have a great Sabbath!

 

Gratitude is THE WAY

 

Gratitude is near and dear to my heart.  I have two previous blog post’s: “Grateful in all things” and “Gratitude is Repentance” that both talk about how gratitude saved me the last year of our mission and how it helped me survive coming home to even harder circumstances. (Please read those if you want to know more of my journey of learning about how gratitude saves.)

Those years were the “greatest deep”, of my life and every day I feel so grateful to be out of that.  I’m revisiting my journey of gratitude learning because of Pres Nielsen’s message this week.  It’s been so good for me. 

I remember the despair I felt during those years.  It was acute; it would come at me, threatening to drown me, I couldn’t breathe and I would instantly feel like crying.  (This wasn’t good since sometimes it would hit me right in the middle of a missionary training when a missionary would make a comment about how much that Lord was blessing his or her family.)  Oh my gosh, the despair and heartache would be instant and I felt like I was destroyed, just by a missionary’s comment.  But in the same exact moment, I would feel in opposition a supportive power whispering to me to think of things to be grateful for.  I think it was ministering angels trying to help me fight.  The power was saying, “Think of things to be grateful for. Think of things to be grateful for.”  Over and over again.  And in the moment the only way I was going to survive is to literally start saying any little thing in my mind I could think of that was a blessing.  (If you want to read more about this it’s in the post: “Can God speak in the very moment you’re asking?”)

This was a constant spiritual time for me as I felt two forces waging a significant battle in my life.  This wasn’t a once a day type of thing, this was multiple times a day as despair would threaten to cut off my air supply, and then a spiritual power pushing at me to think of things to be grateful for.  It’s was like a war.  I learned so much about gratitude that I wrote about in those previous posts - that in summary helped me to understand that gratitude is a tool to God, it’s a conduit to heaven, its repentance, and it’s a way to fight against the anger, hate, worry, doubt and fear of the world.  It’s a way to fight against the “natural man who is an enemy to God” and is NEVER grateful. 

Gratitude is the way.  I should say, “THE WAY”.  Meaning God’s way.  Gratitude takes willingness, softness, and trust.  It is a spiritual exercise. Sometimes it takes a lot of self-discipline and mental strength. 

So, what I am grateful for now in my life is Don’s health!  He is doing well and I can feel good about where he is at.  Our relationship is such a blessing.  He is my best friend and I am learning so much from him, still. 

I am so grateful Nathan is doing amazingly well in his two year rehab program and will be coming home in 4 ½ months.  I am nervous for that, but grateful.

I love our new home and feel so grateful that we were able to down size and sell our dream home that in the end was a burden to us.

I am so grateful for the people my children are.  They are all great individuals and I am so grateful to have each one of them.

As I think of these things I’m having this thought: Every one of the things I just mentioned reflects change, growth and learning in my life, meaning I wasn’t always grateful for the hard things that surrounded them.  But I am now.  That teaches me that gratitude causes change, growth and learning.  As change occurs I see and think differently and that is so good!  I need to see and think differently.  Gratitude really is Repentance that causes change. 

I am totally in love with life, it’s so good.  Not because it’s easy but because all that hard has led to some really meaningful growth and change for me.  I love and trust God with all my heart.  I am so in love with Him and His plan.  I know more hard is coming, I can feel it.  But I am so grateful for this moment of reprieve and Pres Nielsen’s encouragement that has lead me to look back and feel amazed at what God can do in all our circumstances.

Is the "Great Deep" worth it?

 

I love the imagery of the “great deep” in the Book of Mormon, Ether Chapters as, “a fitting way to describe what our trails and challenges sometimes feel like.” (CFM)   I know all “deeps” are not created equal.  From my experience there are deeps, great deeps and the greatest deep.

I am a few years out of my greatest deep and I noticed something this week as I reflect on that time.  The side effect of any of my recollections is gratitude and even joy.  I know!  It’s a bit astonishing to me too.  I keep thinking about how grateful I am that Nathan is 18 months into his rehab; what a miracle.  So grateful that even though remodeling and selling our dream home of 20 years was emotionally and physically exhausting we landed in the absolute perfect home for us and couldn’t deny the miracle we saw in that happening. I love our house and still 2 ½ years later feel that giddy feeling when I think of the miracle of landing here.  Don’s health is stable and he is doing well.  And things keep working out for us financially.  I have seen little and quite big miracles through all of it.  I feel like I’m in the Avatar movie looking at God right in the eyes saying, “I see you”.  You know, in that really intense way in the movie? And he is saying back, “I see you”.

It makes me feel that, “deeps”, give God the opportunity to put on a show.  Show his hand, his power, his love, his character, his reality, his compassion.  And as we see the show, we know him better.  That tells me the “great deeps” are like entering the arena of God, where life puts us in a place to see God if we will open our eyes.

Are the deeps worth it?  Is it worth the pain and despair to come to know God?

I have to say I don’t ever think I have thought the “great deeps” were worth it when I was in the middle of them.  But looking back I can’t think of one deep that wasn’t so worth it…..once I landed.  When I feel and see a change in me for the better; change of: knowledge, wisdom, character, personality, belief, etc. then it is worth it.  Change is sacred, and change makes the “deep” meaningful and worth it.

I remember a returned sister missionary who went through debilitating depression for a few years after her mission and during her first years of marriage.  She felt past feeling for everything.  She couldn’t feel the spirit or pretty much anything else.  My memory is that her marriage and testimony were really suffering because of it.  I called her to talk about it and she asked me a question that I will never forget; she was crying in anguish when she asked, “Why would God create or allow a trial like depression to exist where we couldn’t feel the spirit?”  “It seems like it’s not fair if you can’t feel the spirit.”

I did not have an answer for that.  I still don’t know.  But, I have thought about it a lot. 

Why are we given the things we are given?  Is it fair to have something given to you where you can’t feel the spirit?  I do know that what she was saying is true, serious depression can create an inability to feel the spirit.  I know I had a similar question about Nathan being born gay.  How can that be fair?  Nathan’s entire life, entire existence, entire test, would be so different because of who he is, if he wasn’t born gay.  How can this life for him be a fair test?

One of my changes from part of this “greatest deep” I just landed from is personal to me, from God, about this.  He says to me, “Don’t worry.”  And I know it is God because I instantly feel the peace that passeth all understanding when I hear it. “Don’t worry.”  Meaning all things will be made fair in the end.  All tears will be wiped away.  Christ’s atonement is as powerful as it needs to be to heal all things, give all mercy and kindness to us.  I know this is true.  I don’t have all the answers but I know, I don’t need to worry. 

Another sacred change for me from my greatest deep is, love.  I love better, I empathize more, I understand more accurately.  I see differently than I did.  I know that my way and my thoughts are not Gods; even if I think I know God’s way and what he is thinking, it’s not. “I cannot comprehend all the things which the Lord doth comprehend”, even when I think I do.  I am such a better person when I just love and don’t think I know what is right for someone else.

And this greatest deep has helped me to know God better.  I know that I really can trust Him.  For years I couldn’t pray, “Thy will be done in my life”, any more.  I was in too much pain and just kind of scared of anything else happening.  But years after landing, and feeling back and better, I see that even if it was God who gave me all of that stuff on purpose and it wasn’t just life happening, that it was good.  Even if all that pain was divinely designed I know I can trust God.  It was so hard, but it was good.  I have landed and that “great deep” is behind me and I am better because of it.

You may be in a great deep.  I would say what I know, “Hang on to Him and he will get you through it.”  “He knows what you need more than you know what you need.” And, “Look for the miracles along the way, he is showing himself to you.”  “See Him”.

I love you.

PS  I mention in a previous post, "Doing Hard Can't Be Pretty", about this "greatest deep" if you wanted to read more about how ugly that was.  :)

It was a beautiful day.

I didn’t really want to go to church today.  It was our first day back to church for our ward since the quarantine and I felt like it was going to be a lot of work and maintenance for our leaders for an hour meeting for just 100 people to attend, and then repeat twice more.  AND, we just got back from Lake Powell last night and I felt a bit wiped out.  AND, I loved having church at home, it was so nice and I really liked the spirit it brought.

I went to bed last night not feeling super committed or converted to the idea that I needed to get up to get ready to go to 9am church.  Also I would be going alone since Don is in the high risk category, and even though he felt he wouldn’t be getting sick, he wanted to be obedient to the request that high risk individuals stay home.  So, I didn’t set my alarm.  I made the excuse that God was fine with me staying home and having church with Don and Andrea.  And I knew He was.

But, I woke up at 8:15 and as I laid in bed thinking about it, I had a feeling that I should go, it was going to be short and I wouldn’t have the opportunity to go for another month, so I should just do it.

 I dragged myself out of bed, Jet Ski soar and a bit burned from a Lake vacation, did my hair out of pure necessity, didn’t bother with any make up since I would be so far away from anyone and wearing a mask anyway.  In other words I didn’t put a lot into it.  I was just going to go.

I walked in a bit late and the opening song was being sung; “I have a family here on earth….”  I immediately felt the spirit.  The words hit me poignantly.  The opening prayer was then said.  The words were so tender and thoughtful in blessing all of us for the individual trials we are going through, I really started tearing up as I listened to him pray for all of us.  We took the sacrament and I felt community in my worship that made me feel I really did have a ward family and loved by God.

The speaker was authentic and open about all our world has experienced since we last met together and the hope we can have that all will be okay.  She paid a beautiful tribute to Fathers that I will include at the end of this post.  It was profound. And then she shared how she feels so committed to obedience but the fact is she really doesn’t know the church is true.  She hasn’t seen with her eyes God or angels.  It’s not pure knowledge if you haven’t seen something, is it?   But then she talked about her hope, her assurance and conviction that God is real and the church is true, because she knows the way she feels when she goes to church, she knows the way she feels when she reads her scriptures and lives in accordance with God’s law.  And those feelings she feels does give her spiritual knowledge that these things are right and true. 

She shared the quote: by ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley 

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

And I felt the spirit over and over give me inspiration, and thoughts and feelings that I had been missing during quarantine.  I was filled.  I felt happy, light, satisfied and peaceful.  I felt better than I have in months.

When the speaker finished a man gave his testimony because he was moving.  He shared how he received a job promotion a year ago that was fantastic.  He was receiving three times his normal wage and it was so validating to him.  He was feeling like he was pretty awesome.  Six weeks later he was laid off and didn’t find another job for 9 months.  It sounded like he is now moving out of the ward into a rental for at least the next year.  But he is okay.  He has a job now, his wife has a job now and he has learned that God knows even the lilies of the field and he definitely knows God knows him.  He cried as he shared his absolute conviction that God has a plan and that he personally will “Go where he wants me to go.”  I was so touched.

Then our Bishop stood up and I was so tender that I teared up again at his beautiful, kind words.

I came home and couldn’t believe that an hour could be so filling, so rewarding and bring to me so much that I was missing. 

During this quarantine I knew I was feeling weird, different, low energy, low motivation, and stagnate in my relationship with God even though I was still praying, reading scriptures and having church at home.  I’ve been wondering if it is just a side effect of staying home so much.  I had no idea that going to church was going to help me in such profound ways.  I didn’t even think I was missing anything church had to offer because I was still feeling the spirit at home during home church.  I think I have taken community worship for granted and was just so use to the benefits of it; it’s just so normal. 

I knew God was okay if I didn’t go to church, at this time.  But he still wanted me too, because I don’t go to church for him, he knows it’s going to bless me.  When I was willing to be obedient and do it, the blessings of more knowledge were there for me. When I put myself in that place of doing some spiritual work then I received spiritual blessings. 

I keep learning this over and over.  The spiritual work I do is not for God, to cross off a list so he can bless me.  Doing the work is the blessing.  I feel so grateful for the Sabbath and so grateful for a wonderful Heavenly Father and for spiritual blessings.  I feel like everything is going to be okay.  It was a beautiful day.

 

Extended Version if you want to read more about this thought:

I first learned about God not creating task as a check off list for me to do Jan 5, 2013 on our mission.  Here is my journal excerpt that talks about this realization.

Jan 6, 2013.

“It is transfer week and yesterday, Saturday was so busy.  I worked out and then got ready quickly.  Because of all the business of the week I hadn’t done any cooking for transfers.  I went shopping for 2 ½ hours. (It takes so long!!!  I’m starting to realize the three days it takes to do transfers every six weeks is like holding a youth conference every 6 weeks.  So shopping for all those meals takes a while!)  Then I hurried home after picking Don up from the office and cooked for 4 ½ hours with Helen.  After that I worked on the mission newsletter, made dinner, started some laundry, got ready and prepared my talk, went to Stake Conference to speak, came home and finished the newsletter and sent it off to Sister Dean, and then counseled a sister missionary on the phone who is having some problems for about 40 minutes until 11pm.  At 11 I was folding a load of whites on my bed when it occurred to me that I hadn’t read my scriptures yet, (so often it goes like that.)

My thought was, “I’ve been serving God all day long, surely I’ve done enough and I don’t now need to read my scriptures too.” 

Instantly I heard these words in my mind, “Now it is my time for me to bless you Melonie for all you have done.  Reading scriptures is not one more thing you do for me, it is what you do so I can bless you for all you have done.  I can bless you, give to you, fill you up, strengthen you and speak to you.  If you don’t read, it is okay, it is your choice, I don’t condemn you.  I just can’t bless you.”

“I got out my scriptures and started to read.  I immediately felt I was reading the perfect thing.  It was so strengthening to me.  It spoke to my heart as a balm.  I was SO FILLED spiritually.  I wasn’t tired anymore.  I wasn’t depleted.  I wasn’t worn out.  I felt strong, light and capable.  It was a miracle.  It was just like God had said.  As I read I was putting myself in a place that God could bless me.”

“I know spiritual blessings aren’t free.  We have to do some spiritual work to receive them.  I think it is a law of heaven or something.  God can’t work with nothing.  We have to give God something to work with, we have to put ourselves in that place.”

“I am a bit task oriented. So many times I’ve thought of things like scriptures, temple attendance, prayer, etc. as things to be crossed off the list; one more thing to do.  But the Lord has been teaching me that that is not it; I don’t do these things to be obedient so He will bless me.  Doing these things are the blessing.  The blessing of hearing something that inspires me, understanding some knowledge I need that I didn’t get before, feeling stronger or more at peace, etc.”

“It reminds me of a testimony {a woman} gave in my home ward years ago.  She was talking about how many times she has received promptings to go visit someone, write a nice note, or do some other kind act and then she hasn’t done it.  She said, “I’ve come to understand God isn’t there beating me down or even mad at me.  I just don’t receive the blessing of that warm memory, increase in relationship and love, or the strengthening power of doing God’s will.”

Why is understanding this important?  To me it’s because I understand Gods love when I get that He wants me to do things that will bless my life, not because he is in heaven making up a list of a lot of things for me to do and feel guilty about if I can’t get it all done.  I don’t need to feel guilty if I can’t do everything.  I just don’t get that blessing.  It’s my choice.  I don’t need to feel guilty.  But if I will do it, I will walk away from it blessed. 

Here is the shout out for Fathers in the America.

Fatherless homes account for:

63% of youth who commit suicide

90% of all homeless and runaway youths

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders

71% of all high school dropouts

70%of juveniles in state-operated institutions

75%of adolescent patients in substance abuse centers

Fathers are needed and important to the family.  Way to Go Dads!