It was a beautiful day.

I didn’t really want to go to church today.  It was our first day back to church for our ward since the quarantine and I felt like it was going to be a lot of work and maintenance for our leaders for an hour meeting for just 100 people to attend, and then repeat twice more.  AND, we just got back from Lake Powell last night and I felt a bit wiped out.  AND, I loved having church at home, it was so nice and I really liked the spirit it brought.

I went to bed last night not feeling super committed or converted to the idea that I needed to get up to get ready to go to 9am church.  Also I would be going alone since Don is in the high risk category, and even though he felt he wouldn’t be getting sick, he wanted to be obedient to the request that high risk individuals stay home.  So, I didn’t set my alarm.  I made the excuse that God was fine with me staying home and having church with Don and Andrea.  And I knew He was.

But, I woke up at 8:15 and as I laid in bed thinking about it, I had a feeling that I should go, it was going to be short and I wouldn’t have the opportunity to go for another month, so I should just do it.

 I dragged myself out of bed, Jet Ski soar and a bit burned from a Lake vacation, did my hair out of pure necessity, didn’t bother with any make up since I would be so far away from anyone and wearing a mask anyway.  In other words I didn’t put a lot into it.  I was just going to go.

I walked in a bit late and the opening song was being sung; “I have a family here on earth….”  I immediately felt the spirit.  The words hit me poignantly.  The opening prayer was then said.  The words were so tender and thoughtful in blessing all of us for the individual trials we are going through, I really started tearing up as I listened to him pray for all of us.  We took the sacrament and I felt community in my worship that made me feel I really did have a ward family and loved by God.

The speaker was authentic and open about all our world has experienced since we last met together and the hope we can have that all will be okay.  She paid a beautiful tribute to Fathers that I will include at the end of this post.  It was profound. And then she shared how she feels so committed to obedience but the fact is she really doesn’t know the church is true.  She hasn’t seen with her eyes God or angels.  It’s not pure knowledge if you haven’t seen something, is it?   But then she talked about her hope, her assurance and conviction that God is real and the church is true, because she knows the way she feels when she goes to church, she knows the way she feels when she reads her scriptures and lives in accordance with God’s law.  And those feelings she feels does give her spiritual knowledge that these things are right and true. 

She shared the quote: by ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley 

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

And I felt the spirit over and over give me inspiration, and thoughts and feelings that I had been missing during quarantine.  I was filled.  I felt happy, light, satisfied and peaceful.  I felt better than I have in months.

When the speaker finished a man gave his testimony because he was moving.  He shared how he received a job promotion a year ago that was fantastic.  He was receiving three times his normal wage and it was so validating to him.  He was feeling like he was pretty awesome.  Six weeks later he was laid off and didn’t find another job for 9 months.  It sounded like he is now moving out of the ward into a rental for at least the next year.  But he is okay.  He has a job now, his wife has a job now and he has learned that God knows even the lilies of the field and he definitely knows God knows him.  He cried as he shared his absolute conviction that God has a plan and that he personally will “Go where he wants me to go.”  I was so touched.

Then our Bishop stood up and I was so tender that I teared up again at his beautiful, kind words.

I came home and couldn’t believe that an hour could be so filling, so rewarding and bring to me so much that I was missing. 

During this quarantine I knew I was feeling weird, different, low energy, low motivation, and stagnate in my relationship with God even though I was still praying, reading scriptures and having church at home.  I’ve been wondering if it is just a side effect of staying home so much.  I had no idea that going to church was going to help me in such profound ways.  I didn’t even think I was missing anything church had to offer because I was still feeling the spirit at home during home church.  I think I have taken community worship for granted and was just so use to the benefits of it; it’s just so normal. 

I knew God was okay if I didn’t go to church, at this time.  But he still wanted me too, because I don’t go to church for him, he knows it’s going to bless me.  When I was willing to be obedient and do it, the blessings of more knowledge were there for me. When I put myself in that place of doing some spiritual work then I received spiritual blessings. 

I keep learning this over and over.  The spiritual work I do is not for God, to cross off a list so he can bless me.  Doing the work is the blessing.  I feel so grateful for the Sabbath and so grateful for a wonderful Heavenly Father and for spiritual blessings.  I feel like everything is going to be okay.  It was a beautiful day.

 

Extended Version if you want to read more about this thought:

I first learned about God not creating task as a check off list for me to do Jan 5, 2013 on our mission.  Here is my journal excerpt that talks about this realization.

Jan 6, 2013.

“It is transfer week and yesterday, Saturday was so busy.  I worked out and then got ready quickly.  Because of all the business of the week I hadn’t done any cooking for transfers.  I went shopping for 2 ½ hours. (It takes so long!!!  I’m starting to realize the three days it takes to do transfers every six weeks is like holding a youth conference every 6 weeks.  So shopping for all those meals takes a while!)  Then I hurried home after picking Don up from the office and cooked for 4 ½ hours with Helen.  After that I worked on the mission newsletter, made dinner, started some laundry, got ready and prepared my talk, went to Stake Conference to speak, came home and finished the newsletter and sent it off to Sister Dean, and then counseled a sister missionary on the phone who is having some problems for about 40 minutes until 11pm.  At 11 I was folding a load of whites on my bed when it occurred to me that I hadn’t read my scriptures yet, (so often it goes like that.)

My thought was, “I’ve been serving God all day long, surely I’ve done enough and I don’t now need to read my scriptures too.” 

Instantly I heard these words in my mind, “Now it is my time for me to bless you Melonie for all you have done.  Reading scriptures is not one more thing you do for me, it is what you do so I can bless you for all you have done.  I can bless you, give to you, fill you up, strengthen you and speak to you.  If you don’t read, it is okay, it is your choice, I don’t condemn you.  I just can’t bless you.”

“I got out my scriptures and started to read.  I immediately felt I was reading the perfect thing.  It was so strengthening to me.  It spoke to my heart as a balm.  I was SO FILLED spiritually.  I wasn’t tired anymore.  I wasn’t depleted.  I wasn’t worn out.  I felt strong, light and capable.  It was a miracle.  It was just like God had said.  As I read I was putting myself in a place that God could bless me.”

“I know spiritual blessings aren’t free.  We have to do some spiritual work to receive them.  I think it is a law of heaven or something.  God can’t work with nothing.  We have to give God something to work with, we have to put ourselves in that place.”

“I am a bit task oriented. So many times I’ve thought of things like scriptures, temple attendance, prayer, etc. as things to be crossed off the list; one more thing to do.  But the Lord has been teaching me that that is not it; I don’t do these things to be obedient so He will bless me.  Doing these things are the blessing.  The blessing of hearing something that inspires me, understanding some knowledge I need that I didn’t get before, feeling stronger or more at peace, etc.”

“It reminds me of a testimony {a woman} gave in my home ward years ago.  She was talking about how many times she has received promptings to go visit someone, write a nice note, or do some other kind act and then she hasn’t done it.  She said, “I’ve come to understand God isn’t there beating me down or even mad at me.  I just don’t receive the blessing of that warm memory, increase in relationship and love, or the strengthening power of doing God’s will.”

Why is understanding this important?  To me it’s because I understand Gods love when I get that He wants me to do things that will bless my life, not because he is in heaven making up a list of a lot of things for me to do and feel guilty about if I can’t get it all done.  I don’t need to feel guilty if I can’t do everything.  I just don’t get that blessing.  It’s my choice.  I don’t need to feel guilty.  But if I will do it, I will walk away from it blessed. 

Here is the shout out for Fathers in the America.

Fatherless homes account for:

63% of youth who commit suicide

90% of all homeless and runaway youths

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders

71% of all high school dropouts

70%of juveniles in state-operated institutions

75%of adolescent patients in substance abuse centers

Fathers are needed and important to the family.  Way to Go Dads!