I kind of copped out on that last post I wrote. I didn’t really tell you how believing in
Christ, professing Christ, or thanking God for Christ is not enough, from my
own experience. I learned more than I
ever had before about turning towards Christ and using His atonement while we were
on our mission. I have spoken about it
in previous blog posts. I felt knowledge
exponentially grow within me of how Christ’s atonement is a power to heal me
spiritually, sometimes even physically.
On my mission, it strengthened me daily as I called on the atoning blood
of Jesus Christ to worry for me, make me calm, make me brave, make me get out
of bed, make me keep moving, stay awake while driving, free me from guilt of
not doing more, being more, and accomplishing more. I called on Christ’s power to hold my
irritation from having a leaky faucet I couldn’t get fixed for 4 months, too,
burnt rolls for a luncheon. I needed
more power than I possessed at the time and it made me have to learn Christ. Being so vulnerable made me have to learn how
to Come, Seek, and Turn to Him. And I
did.
I used Christ for everything I needed so I could have a free
heart; free to be filled with the opposite of what my natural woman was feeling;
calm instead of irritated, energy instead of tired, brave instead of nervous,
comfort instead of worry, peace instead of guilt. I could write volumes about how life changing
this knowledge; that I could use Christ’s atonement for whatever I needed
instantly, came to be for me.
So this is great to talk about, but what does it have to do
with my previous blog post? The thing is
I coped out by not saying the truth. I have learned something different since
the mission, because when I came home I couldn’t, I didn’t, and I haven’t. I couldn’t use His atonement to make me be
strong, get up and go, love everything, serve everyone. I felt guilty about that. I knew how to use Christ to help me be more, “I
should be doing that”. But I couldn’t, I
was in too much pain.
It wasn’t coming home that caused all the pain and
suffering. It was everything that
happened because of coming home that broke me.
I felt like I was pieces of myself and I didn’t know where I had gone,
or what happened. I kept asking myself
what was wrong with me. I found out
about 18 months later that you can develop depression from traumatic events,
and that rang true for me.
When we came home in just one month we moved, we lost our
job and had no source of income, I took care of my mother while she died, Don developed
Parkinson’s, I got my father into an assisted living facility, dissolved my
parents estate, and faced living with the tragedy of what happened to my twin
boys, all in about 30 days. It was so
brutal. And then the hard things kept
coming even after that.
Why couldn’t I use Christ’s atoning power to just heal me
automatically for good? I admit there
have been lots of times I thought, “Oh good, I’m back, I feel more normal.” But then I couldn’t hold on to it. It was like 2 steps forward and one step back
for a long time, like years.
In the last three years: I didn’t know if God knew me anymore,
if he had a plan for me, if he loved me, or would bless me. I had whisperings of thoughts that killed my
hope all the time. To be honest, thoughts about God’s integrity. I felt we had sacrificed and worked so hard
and He didn’t bless us. I felt he had
given a promise that if we took care of the missionaries, he would take care of
our children, and he didn’t. I had lots of why questions. I hated them, but I couldn’t stop them.
Looking at it now, I think God had a different path for me. He has shown me a different way to Christ
than what I knew before. I have seen His
hand in miraculous ways over the last three years. Could I have had that happen if I was
magically healed and made strong right away?
Three years of struggle is a whole different path then being healed in 3
days!
This long process of seeing myself more clearly; who I am
and who I’m not, has been one more painful thing added to the list. But it has also made me see who my savior is
and who he isn’t as I have felt him work with me, be patient with me, and whisper
to me.
My experience on my mission was Christ’s atonement can heal
us quickly, strengthen us immediately, take away, hold, or even create a
barrier instantaneously.
My experience coming home from my mission was Christ’s
atonement can heal us over time, strengthen us in layers, take away the poison
in my soul, hold the pain, and create a barrier of protection between me and
spirit sucking thoughts, gradually.
Gradually because of me, not because of Him. Gradually because some things take time.
Gradual is a different path and as I look back my heart is
so full of gratitude, love and something else that is indescribable. It is like knowledge. Knowledge of god’s goodness, his amazing
patience, His gentle kindness. I haven’t
been easy the last few years. But I look
back and know He stayed with me. He
hasn’t condemned me for asking, He hasn’t whipped me for my doubts, fears, or disappointments. He hasn’t been hard on me because I was in so
much pain I couldn’t be strong.
I know His character in a different way now, because of the
gradual, layers of knowledge and healing.
This knowledge has forced me to look back on my life and see
Him more clearly in past times too.
Christ’s Atonement was always blessing me, but it was in ways I didn’t
really understand. When I was young,
crying over being hit or screamed at, He was there. When I was a starving student paying my way
through college, He was there. All the
times I struggled in my marriage, He was there.
When I had 5 children in 6 years and was busy way beyond my own
strength, He was there.
I look back and feel amazed at all these hard things in my
life that I got through pretty well. As
I have come to know my savior and my Heavenly Father more intimately through
these last 3 years I recognize they were always there helping me throughout my
life, I just didn’t know it.
Whenever you are in the depths, trying, God is there, whether
you know it or not.
I thought I knew God when we went on our mission. I thought I was pretty much there
spiritually. But then God showed me so
much more while we served. I came to
know God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in such a more intimate, powerful
way while he made us capable of serving.
I thought God was done when we came home; he had shown me
all He had, and I was pretty much there spiritually. Now I look back and I know I was just getting
started. I have learned so much more
from this gradual, layer filled, painful process of coming to know all He can
do.
He can heal broken things.
He can put all our pieces back together.
He can give us incredible light and knowledge that helps us see into the
eternities. I don’t worry anymore. He will keep all of His promises. He will give us sight. He will help us walk. He saves us.
He has saved me over and over.
My perspective is death is not the end. This life is not the end all, be all, to our
living. God will wipe away our tears, and
turn all things to our good.
Believing in Christ is great. But what is even better is knowing Him! How does He work in your life right now? How is He loving you? How is He healing you? What is He speaking to you? What is He trying to get you to do, or not
do? What does He want you to know?
He is communicating.
He is working. Will you open up
your heart and mind to see Him, not just when your running on all cylinders,
but when you’re not? Because He is still
there. He is not just powerful in those
times to make you rise and meet life head on, full of energy and strength,
making you better and capable. He is
also there when you are broken, holding on and just surviving.
So my message is:
Christ’s power is real.
He is real. A vague profession of
belief won’t due. Whatever phase of life
you’re in, where ever your journey has taken you, whether you’re on top of the
world with faith and conversion, or if you’re at the bottom mired in the pain
of sin and regret, or anywhere else in between, His power to heal you, speak to
you, and love you is real. Repent and He
will clean, Listen and He will speak, Ask and He will give. His power atones for all we go through on
this personal journey. It’s intimate,
and sacred, and personal to us. He heals
us spiritually when we stay with Him.
