I love the Lord. I want to serve Him well. I wish life were easier so I could serve Him perfectly. Here is an example.
Earlier in the week Jordan was expressing some pain for his mission and us serving our mission. I didn’t recognize this could happen when we came out or even the first year of our mission, but mission president’s children can feel abandoned and neglected. I know Jordan feels alone and lonely here in Spokane and sometimes feels that we care more about the missionaries than him.
As I listened to him I felt a lot of concern. The next morning I was praying and felt I should stay home with him and miss interviews. Interviews are important to the missionaries. Interviews are a time when they get to spend one on one time with us and feel, “known”. Interviews are important to us because we get the opportunity to try to meet individual needs. So I told the prompting, “no”. (If I miss a day that is about 20 missionaries I wouldn’t be meeting with.) I have worked so hard to be a good missionary I don’t ever want to feel like I didn’t do my job. Again I felt, “let go of the missionaries and take Jordan to his dr’s appointment and out to lunch”. Again I said, “no”. And added, “Remember if I take care of the missionaries the Lord will take care of my children”, (our area seventy told us that). The thought came to me, “You know what the spirit is telling you, you know what it feels like to fight against the spirit, and you are doing that now. Follow promptings, obey the spirit, you know you will be blessed even though this seems different than how you usually feel to spend your day.”
It was hard to let go. The prompting just felt so different. Take the day off and spend it relaxing with a child? Really Lord? I asked, “what about the missionaries.” Direct revelation came, “you take care of your son today, the Lord will take care of the missionaries.”
So I let go of trying to fit everything in, make it all work and spent the day with Jordan. When I told Jordan I was going to follow him around for the day he was like, “ok, good”. He didn’t feel one bit bad about taking me away from the missionaries! Shocking. J
That night he came into my bedroom and said, “Thanks for spending the day with me.” I knew he was the most important thing and I had done the right thing.
I have a great desire to serve the Lord well as a missionary. There are definitely things I’m not doing here on the mission that I feel I should, but find I just can’t get to them. I want to, but I get wrapped up in the schedule and demands and don’t find the time.
I have a great desire to be a good mother and meet the needs of my children. But I can tell with my two 19 year old sons that doesn’t always happen.
In both of these roles I feel I’m not perfect! I wish I was, but I am trying and doing a lot, and what I can’t do I try to give to the savior so I can still feel happy with what I am doing. My family is important to me, serving the Lord well here on a mission is also important to me. I know my missionary service and my mothering are both imperfect things in my life. The care of two struggling sons is demanding, and juggling that, with being in the mission field has been the most difficult thing of my life. Usually I am cramming all of it in together and making it work the best I can, but today I learned that the Lord doesn’t just care about his missionaries. He also cares about Jordan and my family.
I’m so glad the heavens are open and we can receive personal revelation for our lives. Knowing we can receive personal revelation directly from a loving Father in Heaven for our lives is what makes The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints different from any other church on earth. The heavens are open today. I know that is true. If we listen He will guide us and help us. He wants to do that.