Learning to approach the alter of His grace with gratitude for my part and portion.

I have written about being able to see and recognize blessings in previous blogs.  I am learning a new layer about gratitude now though that is changing my life.  I thought I knew about this before my mission, but I think I am learning this layer of gratitude on a whole new level.  I am learning to not just be grateful for blessings, but to actually be accepting and grateful for who I am and what I can give with the Lords help.  I know that sounds weird to us women, (and men too); to actually be accepting and grateful for who we are and what we can give. But I hope I can share what I am learning in such a way as to give this amazing treasure to you.

I expressed in my last blog that I stopped writing for a time because I felt like the pain and loss I was experiencing left me with nothing to write about.  I had lost hope.  I was letting despair and doubt get to me.  I started studying hope and the change inside of me was amazing.  But there was something else there too.  I started to pay attention to what started it, what made me lose my peace in the first place.  It was a subtle thing I hadn’t even realized was causing a loss of the spirit.  I discovered what my problem was and where it started.

A month or so ago the reality of going home had hit me and I filled my mind with of all the things I wish we had done, what I wish we could have accomplished, what I wish would have happened, questions of did we do enough, work hard enough, and had we really accomplished all the Lord had in mind for us.  I kept repenting over and over, thinking of everything we could have, should have, or would have done, when I prayed.  A lot of it was things I didn’t even have control over, but I just felt so bad I kept talking to the Lord about it, filling my heart and mind with the negative.

I have to just laugh at myself because I think of how many departing missionaries have come to council with me about this very thing and I have had all the answers: “You’ve done a great job, look at what you did do and not what you didn’t do, your mission isn’t the end of your life, you are an unfinished project and your mission is not the end of your progress, and let God’s love and gratitude into your heart and know He is pleased.”  Yet here I am at the end, and I am doing the exact same thing! It makes me just laugh at myself.  I really wonder if the Lord puts me through these things on purpose so I can understand, love and teach better as I learn for myself. 

Anyway it’s weird, but this is why I’ve been struggling so much. I kept coming to prayer with this feeling of wishing and wanting this perfect mission and feeling so much regret.  I was filling myself with a weight and burden that was exhausting to bear.  Wow.  When am I ever going to completely learn that I am not perfect, things are not perfect, life isn’t perfect and people aren’t perfect?  I know it in my mind and I think I am ok with it but then I have another experience like this and realize I’m still doing it.  I just want everything to be good, true, right, strong, brave, done, and prepared.  (Notice I didn’t put down clean and pretty, I don’t have those two tendencies, regrettablyJ). But this is how the adversary got to me and it made me vulnerable to the other hard things going on, weakening my strength.

Then we had new missionary training two weeks ago and my inspired husband again came up with doctrine he wanted to do for the training that was perfect for me.  We studied 2 talks about gratitude and discussed them with the new missionary’s at their training. Pres Monson shared a story about George and the oil lamps vs. electricity.  Something in the story touched me deeply.  That night I came to prayer just thinking about all the Lord had given to us and decided to only express gratitude for it.  I felt so different.  I can’t even express the magnitude of change I felt.  It was huge.  I felt the spirit so strongly and felt my Heavenly Fathers love so powerfully, just by thinking and opening up myself to the good we had done.  Pres Monson in his talk said giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love.  I experienced that for myself instantly and knew it was true.   I recognized I wasn’t looking at all we had accomplished, what did happen, the spirit we felt, the good we did, all the people we had talked to and seeds we had planted. I was just looking at the lack.  I have literally trained or talked about not doing this at least a million times to missionaries in the last 3 years. Yet I was doing it. It has drained me, worn me out and caused deep unhappiness inside of me during those weeks.  Those feelings made me susceptible to the other negative things creeping in.  I asked the Lord about it and realized I wasn’t grateful for all He had given, I was just wishing for more.

As I was praying this thought struck me:  “Melonie, there is always more to do, you’ve never done it all, been it all, accomplished it all, or become it all.  You know it in your mind, but you do not really understand or believe it in your heart. There are a hundred things you could do on a mission, but you are only going to be able to do 50.  Are you going to chose to look at the 50 things you did do, or the 50 things you didn’t? Your life will always be like this; so much you can see that could be done, but not possible to do it all, so accept what you can do and be grateful!  And then apply the atonement to all those other things.  You have a savior to cover all the rest.”

It shot into my heart that it was pride that caused me to look at the 50 things we didn’t do.  I know the Lord has blessed us with so much on this mission.  I remember every training walking away feeling that it was good and the Lord had made a great work happen.  So many conversations with missionaries that helped them and I felt the Lord had blessed me to know things to ask and things to say that made a huge difference.  The Lord had blessed me with love so that I could be patient when I was exhausted, or keep going when I was drained.  I knew it, but I was pushing it away, like it wasn’t enough for me.  I think because of pride, I wanted more.  It makes me cry to think that I was looking past all He had done for us and was only thinking of what didn’t happen.  How prideful of me to negate all that the Lord had given.  I didn’t even realize while I was repenting of all we hadn’t done that I should have been repenting of not accepting what the Lord had allowed.   What I learned in my heart was that I need to be humble and thank the lord for what we did accomplish, the spirit we had, the great trainings we gave, the ways we did help, and the work that did go forth.  And stop worrying if it was good enough.  That is just pride. 

Now, every day I approach the alter of His grace with gratitude in my heart.  I feel so amazing.  I am so grateful for this wonderful experience.  I am so grateful for all He allowed us to do.  I feel so accepting of who we are and what we did. That is huge for me!  I am profoundly grateful for this learning. Every time I start to feel those feelings come back during the day, of: “we should have done this, why didn’t we do that, why didn’t we know this in the beginning, I wish I was….” I stop myself and offer a prayer of gratitude for what the Lord helped us do, made us into, inspired us to say, strengthened us to accomplish, and the opportunity to work with Him through it all.   I have this feeling that this was His mission and we are His.  He allowed us to do a part and a portion with Him.  I am so changed as I feel grateful for the portion and feel I don’t need any more.   I’m good.

I feel this is a principle for life no matter what the circumstance.  It is humbling to be accepting.  I have never understood before that gratitude is humility.  I want to keep acceptance of what the Lord grants, gives and His timing in it all, and not need more, as part of my life forever.  I really do feel it has opened the windows of heaven and I can feel God’s love as I work to invite gratitude and acceptance into my heart all day long through prayer.  I love this gospel and I love the Lord.  He is so good.   

Go here to listen to Pres. Monson’s talk:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng

Go here to listen to Pres Uchtdorf’s talk:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng

Hope changes everything

I remember growing up and having lessons on hope.  I never could get it.  I specifically remember feeling so much frustration that I couldn’t quite get it.  It seemed so obvious to me it was like, DUH, why are we talking about this; people breathe we don’t need to be taught to breathe, why are we being taught about hope?   I think as a child I had so much hope I couldn’t quite understand why we talked about it or what we were suppose to learn about it.  It was such a part of life for me.  It is ironic to me that learning about hope now in my life is probably one of the most profound learning experiences of my life.  Let me explain a little.

I am not really sure where to start.  My purpose in writing this blog is to bring others closer to Christ, by sharing my own experiences of coming closer to Christ myself.  Sometimes when you’re in the midst of a hard trial it’s not very enlightening or edifying to hear someone talk about it!  So I have not felt able to write anything.  I feel so sad that I didn’t write the first 2 years of our mission when we were in a little spiritual bubble, protected from the cares of the world, and felt so filled and full of the spirit constantly. I had so much I could have written about.  It would have been easier and less vulnerable for me.  But I am doing it now so I have to be grateful for what I am doing and not wishing for something else.  But the contrast is HUGE.  Life now feels like we are being hit from all sides and I feel vulnerable and exposed when writing because of all we are going through.  But I still feel compelled to write, so I’ll keep trying.

The reality of life can be hard and painful and it hurts to face trial and pain without the spirit’s healing power, buffering strength or calm assurance.  I have learned so much about how investigators feel, missionary’s feel and God’s children feel when they face things on their own without the power of God being carried by the spirit to help them. 

I think sometimes God carries us and I think sometimes we are allowed to feel the full force of life being thrown at us.  I don’t know if it’s God’s way of teaching us so sometimes he retreats, or if we do it to ourselves by drawing away from Him because of pain and hurt.  I suspect when I am in the middle of it I think God has abandoned me, but when I get humble, repent, and ask God to change my heart, I can see that I allowed fear, doubt, negativity, and pain to take me away from God.  I do know opposition teaches a lot.  You know I love the doctrine of opposition, 2 Nephi 2:  Feeling the difference teaches. 

So I have been having my ups and downs.  Someday I have felt carried and lifted, and some days it hits me and I can’t seem to get past the pain.  I won’t go into a lot of details but it has to do with going home, facing our yard after 3 years of renters, moving, finances, the reality of job hunting when were old, my mom and dad’s health, and Nathan and Jordan’s painful experiences.  Coming out on this mission was a real change of life in every way, but it wasn’t hard, it felt like so much meaning and purpose being led to that point in our lives.  Going home is changing our life in every way, but it feels like it’s more picking up the pieces of our life.  Not quite so meaningful.  We are so happy to re-new relationships with family and friends and that will be a bright spot.

So I tried to make that short, hope that was ok to express.  But now I want to share how the doctrine of hope has changed me and is helping me get past my fear and pain.  I was feeling really strong for about a month, a while ago.  I thought the Lord had gotten me through; I had learned some fantastic things and felt the spirit in my heart confirm that everything would be fine in the end.  Then I let some little negative thinking in, some fear in, some doubt and confusion in.  I found myself at rock bottom almost instantly. It think when you’re kind of fragile any little negative things can pull the rug out from under you.  Like: “I can’t see the way God sees, I can’t see how our prayers were answered, I can’t see blessings, I can’t see how this can turn to our profit and learning”.  These little negative thoughts can open the flood gates. I can’t really express the pain, I just know I had no idea how painful pain could be until this last year of my life.  I feel so much more compassion for others pain now.

Anyway my good and inspired husband wanted to teach the doctrine of hope for MLC at the beginning of the month.  I read the talk he wanted us to teach from.  It was inspiring.  Then I listened to it while I followed along with the words.  It hit my heart powerfully.  We taught it and I was changed completely.  I studied it again the next day and felt even more inspired.  Then I read it again 2 days ago so I could record some of the points in my study journal.  I have never felt more changed by a talk in my life.  I am so grateful for Elder Uchtdorf and his amazing inspiration. 

Also I studied Alma 58:10,11.  And understood faith and hope are gifts that the Lord blesses us when we pray for it.  He can speak peace to our souls and that is what He has done for me.  I feel at peace.  I can quiet my mind and trust my heart that everything will be ok and work out.  Once again I feel He has strengthened me and I feel I can have courage and hope for the future no matter what it is.  Going toward God is always the right answer!

Here are some of the things I learned about hope:

HOPE is an Infinite Power.  Infinite means without limit or boundary.  So hopes power is without limit or boundary.  Hope has the power to change our attitude, outlook, perspective, thoughts, and feelings. Hope works against the natural man inside of us.

Faith overcomes fear, Hope overcomes despair.  We must overcome the temptation to lose hope.  (I have never thought about losing hope as a temptation.  But it is.  It is what the natural man pulls at us to do.)

Hope leads to peace, mercy, rejoicing and gladness.  Hope is the foundation of faith; an anchor to our souls.  Doubt and despair lead to the temptation to lose hope.  Despair binds hearts and minds in darkness.  Despair drains us of vibrance, joy and leaves us empty!  Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul and deadens the heart.  It’s so true, despair kills everything, hope brings life.

Hope encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of Heavenly Father.  Hope is the abiding trust that God will fulfill promises.  It is believing and expecting our prayers to be answered.  It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance.  I know that is so true.  Hope brings patience to bear afflictions.  Hope brings joy.

No matter how bleak this chapter in our life is, we may hope and be assured the book’s ending will exceed our grandest expectations because of Christ.

Everyone will go through discouragement and difficulty and the darkness can seem unbearable- but divine gospel principles we hope in can uphold us until we walk in the light again.

True hope is centered in: 1. Jesus Christ. 2.  The goodness of God.  3. Manifestations of the Holy Spirit.  4. Knowledge that prayers are heard and answered.  When we don’t have hope in these 4 things life can be filled with darkness and despair.  Hope is a choice!  We can believe and trust in these 4 things, or not.  When we do it changes everything.  That is my testimony.

In times of distress we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for our good.”

Faith, Hope and Charity are like a 3 legged stool.  Disobedience, disappointments and procrastination erode faith.  Hope upholds faith.  (I thought a lot about why he said procrastination erodes hope.  I think it’s because faith leads to hope, hope leads to action, and action leads to personal knowledge and witness of the truthfulness of the thing you had faith in.  It’s like a circle.  Procrastination is inactivity so no witness is gained and hope is distinguished.)

Frustration and impatience challenges charity, but hope braces our resolve and urges us to love without expectation of reward.  The brighter our hope the greater our faith.  The stronger our hope, the purer our charity.

Here is Elder Uchtdorf’s talk in a link.  Listen to it, it is so good.  Print a copy of it and mark it up as you follow along.  There are so many good things in it:  

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-infinite-power-of-hope?lang=eng

Love You.

Change is sacred because of the price paid to offer it.

Elder Hamula came to our mission about 6 weeks ago.  It was very inspiring to listen to Him speak to our missionaries.  He said He felt like a forerunner to our receiving Elder Nelson to our mission. He described him as, “A prince of a man,” and promised us that we would be blessed by his visit.  But warned us that, “You get out of a meeting whatever you put into it.  You will get out of your meeting with Elder Nelson whatever you put into it.” 

I want to express love for Elder Hamula.  What a great man.  I felt so loved and inspired by him.  I felt he really inspired our mission that day.  And I have to say we put a lot into Elder Nelsons visit last weekend.  We have been on a mission of strict obedience for everyone.  I think every single missionary has raised his own personal bar of what he was willing to put on the line.  We worked very hard. 

President Mullen and I have been amazingly busy for the entire 6 week transfer.  I don’t think we had one day to ourselves and we went from one big thing to another.  We had the transfer and then had specialized training for 5 days and then 4 days of follow up trainings, we spoke in 4 stake conferences over 4 different weekends, hosted and spoke with Elder Hamula for two missionary meetings and spoke with him in stake conference, I was the closing speaker for the CES institute directors retreat, we had 12 days of interviews and training for 12 zones, we had MLC, New leadership training, new missionary training and then hosted Elder Nelson and Elder Clark in speaking to our entire mission and then drove them to Moscow to speak with them at the Moscow stake conference, drove them to the airport and then drove home to go right into transfer’s again an hour later. It was a consecrated 6 weeks, where I felt once again the Lord carried us from day to day to make it all happen.

Sometimes the mission just hits like that and you just go day after day with big things for weeks on end. I have found with this type of schedule I can’t prepare a lot for anything, I just have to prepare myself.  I pray all day long, I read my scriptures at night, and I ask for the atonement to be applied constantly for my weakness and hope preparing myself in that way is good enough.

I found myself in this situation the night before Elder Nelsons visit. I was praying, repenting, and asking what in the world I should speak on with all of my missionaries and an apostle there for the next morning.  I felt so much inspiration come into my mind and heart about what should be said.  It has happened like this so many times.  It is pure revelation.  Nothing will be there and then all of a sudden everything is given to me to say.  I don’t deserve it, but I am sure grateful for it.  That is probably the most common feeling I have had on this mission.  He just gives me so much spiritual light, so quickly, so that I can do my job here.  It is undeniably from him.  I am just not that great.  I feel this acute feeling of the reality that our Heavenly Father and Savior are real and they work through the Holy Spirit.  I feel so much love and gratitude for a Great God, a Beautiful Savior and an Amazing Holy Spirit that blesses our lives every day whether we see and recognize it or not.  I am not great.  I see that so clearly.  But he still blesses me with inspiration and power to do His work.  His love and forgiveness always amazes me.

So I would like to briefly write about what I talked on last weekend, but then write more about what Elder Clark and Nelson talked on later in the week.  It was so good I would like to write about it when I have more time.  Here are some of my observations and what I spoke about in our missionary meeting:

We are never all together.  The only other time we’ve ever been all together is when Elder Anderson came to visit.  We know all of the missionaries well, but they don’t know everyone.  That is always a little weird to me.  We are family, how can we not all know and love each other?  It’s the sad part of being in a big mission with a big area.  I do still feel like we are family and we love each other, but they just don’t know all of who that is. 

So everyone drove into the Spokane Valley, the senior couples included.  There was so much love present, it made me so tender to be all together.  All were gathered outside the temple as we drove up from the airport and they were singing. Elder Nelson and Clark were greeted by beautiful voices and beautiful faces as they got out of the car.  We took a picture with everyone and then went into the chapel to start the meeting.  As we opened I looked over their faces and all I could think about was how much I love them, know them individually, and want them to be happy.  We are very tied to them.  We know their struggles, victories, heartache, miracles, and goals.  I felt so full at having them all there and seeing each one of them together.  I wondered if it was a little symbolic of how Heavenly Father knows us, loves us and is aware of our struggles, victories, heartache, miracles and goals times 1,000.

I talked to them about these feelings and then spoke about their work in preparing for the meeting, and how it has affected their lives for good.  “Your obedience and work has furthered your consecration to the Lord and has changed you.  These changes are sacred.  Your Faith and Hope enough to Act brings a Personal Witness of truth.  The natural man will never know anything about spiritual things because he has never done the spiritual work it takes to gain this great knowledge.  This personal witness brings greater light and knowledge.  This is when the mysteries of God are unfolded to you and God is doing a great work in your life. 

These changes are sacred!  Our ability to change has come at a great cost to both Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  Change is sacred because of the price paid to offer it.   Hold on to this knowledge and change and treat it carefully.  They are doing a great work in your life for your benefit, but also for the benefit of others.  He wants to use you to do His work.  You are to bless your family’s lives, your future spouse and children’s lives, and everyone around you.  You are to build, lift and edify others.  You are to learn to love and serve your whole life.  You are to talk of Christ, preach Christ and write of Christ all for the benefit of mankind.  Our lives are not just about ourselves.  We are to be useful to God our whole lives.”

“We are a family.  We are to do a great work here in each other’s lives as well.  We lift, strengthen and build each other.  We rejoice in each other’s successes.  We love each other.  We expect each one of us to obey all the rules.  Nothing is secret or hidden.  We are safe with each other to reach out when we struggle.  Our message to each other is, “you are capable of everything the Lord is asking of you to do.”

“We rely on Christ.  We cry, turn, follow, trust, seek, knock, wait, believe, repent, etc.  It's all action on our part to know Him.  We have faith in Christ.  We know that he makes more of us than we could ever make of ourselves but we have to do what He asks.  He won’t force, push or manipulate us.  Only by our free action of coming to Him can we reach our divine potential and be all that He has in store for us to be.  He is the Way.”

“It is not all about your salvation, your growth, your learning.  We are all God’s children.  We are to be used by Him to help everyone come back to Him.” 

I know this is true.  I feel it in my heart.  We are to lift, build and edify in our thoughts, deeds and conversations.  We need Christ so much to be able to do this because we are such fallen creatures.  At least I am.  I am so grateful for the sacred price paid for my chance to change.  And I know His message is to love and serve one another.  Our ability to love and serve is the evidence of our conversion to Christ.

Challenges tell you that God thinks a lot of you.

I was talking to a missionary Saturday morning about some of the issues she is facing.  We have seen her struggle with overcoming health challenges, but also some emotional challenges as well.  Some of the physical things are related to the emotional struggles.  It seems like it’s been one thing after another and life just keeps hitting her. 

We were talking about why everything in life isn’t just perfect and why missions aren’t just perfect.  It is so hard when you feel like you are trying to do the Lords work and things seem like they would just fall into place so the gospel can be taught better and more efficiently.  It just doesn’t happen.  Over and over again I see missionaries struggle with some pretty serious things who want desperately to be healed so they, cannot just stay on their mission, but have a highly productive mission.  I have come to the conclusion that the Lord loves his missionaries and cares about their growth and learning just as much as an investigator or less active member.  Missionaries lives are not perfect and are not meant to be perfect.  I wish they were, I wish every missionary could feel good, be healthy and have spiritual, emotional, mental and physical well being.  It just isn’t life, or God’s plan. 

God’s plan for each and every one of us is:

·        We are meant to have weakness.  I love the article in the Ensign last month about weakness vs. sin.  I have realized my weakness personally in all of its forms while on this mission. J Ok maybe not all of them, but it seems like all of them.  I have realized weakness can be a strength as it turns us to our Savior and makes us rely on Him.  I have realized weakness can teach us to trust our Heavenly Father and our Savior and give them what we can’t do or make happen.  I have realized weakness seen can teach us, change us and lead us to progression when we let it.  Humility in our weakness leads to strength in our savior.

·        We are meant to go through an imperfect life with trials that don’t make sense, hardships caused by others choices, and consequences brought on by our own sins. All of these issues can help us turn to our Savior because they make us humble and vulnerable enough to reach out and accept Him.  As we go through deep pain we also understand a little better what our Savior suffered and what are Heavenly Father has sacrificed for us to experience this life for ourselves.  Pain helps us understand Them better and it also helps us understand ourselves and others as well.

Anyway back to my sweet missionary who is struggling.  Besides the anxiety she is dealing with that has caused many physical sicknesses, she is also tired physically and emotionally.  As we talked I got a deeper sense of how much she worries. It can be exhausting worrying about, and trying to control everything. She talked about worrying because she loves so much.  One of her members, who is the sweetest kindest person, has severe health challenges and needs a lung transplant.  One recent convert is going through important life decisions she is making poor choices about.  Investigators struggles and family concerns are also causing worry.  None of it she has any control over.  It’s difficult.

As we talked I felt impressed to turn her to prayer.  Heavenly Father will always listen to us, understand us and teach us everything we need to know.  As we talk to Him and receive His understanding and peace it is the greatest release of pain.  When we can get our pain validated and understood we can release the pain to Christ and let go of it or accept it. 

I also felt to teach her about having faith in our Heavenly Father.  These are the things I felt she needed to know deep in her heart, “God knows you and all those you are worrying about.  It all comes down to faith.  Can you really believe and trust Him?  He does have a perfect plan for all of us.  We must know deeply that we don’t see with His eyes or His perspective.  This imperfect view limit’s us so we have to have faith. This life is not the end.  What we go through and what others are given and are going through has meaning for life and what we need to learn or become. Trust Him so you don’t need to carry and worry about everything to the point of depletion or exhaustion.”  I know Christ can worry for us.  We can, “cast our burdens on His care” and He will take them for us, allowing us to be free. 

I also had another feeling I expressed to her….She is a wonderful, amazing young woman!!  I love her so much.  She has amazing gifts, talents and abilities.  I just wonder if God gives great challenges to those who He thinks a lot of.  I don’t know, but it reminds me of a story I once heard.,

There was a man who was visiting a ward and went to the gospel doctrine class 2^nd hour.  The lesson was being presented and the man kept making comments during the lesson; bragging about his children. He made a point to bring up their sport accomplishments, their missions, their temple marriages, their education and grades, their many awards, their callings in the church and how much money they were making.  By the end of the lesson everyone was sick of it.  Finally one old man raised his hand and said, “Well God must not think a lot of you to give you such easy children.”  This story has always stuck in my mind.  I think of Joseph Smith and all of his many trials.  He was such a great man his trials probably had to be great to be trials.

I think if we could see ourselves correctly we would see a vision of amazing people put in situations of learning so as to be enlarged, to be used by God for good.  God really knows us and we need to trust Him no matter what we go through.  Struggles will come, the only question is-will we go towards Him or away from Him to get through it.  There are only two choices.  I know He is the right choice.  Our eternal, broader perspective of who we are, what this life’s purpose is about, and God’s plan and ability to help us will change our lives too faith, strength and courage. 

At the end of our visit she was expressing how much better she felt and her inspiration of how to change to feel better.  I hung up the phone and thought, “The Lord has done it again.”  He helps me help them.  I am so grateful for that, but I recognize I can only teach or talk about what I have experienced and know for myself.  I feel I have gone through so much on this mission and sometimes I wonder if some of it is just for them; so I can relate to them completely.  I know how they feel, give ideas and suggestions all according to what I am learning myself or have learned in the past though the spirit.  I have always said, “I am the poster child for change.”  He has taught me so much.  I feel the Lord has a plan and He is in charge.  I have faith in that.  He knows how to use us to do His will if we will let Him, and that amazes me.  He amazes me.

God so loved the world that He gave his Perfect Son.

I have written before about how I have learned to use the atonement, what it is and how it has affected me.  But I am gaining a new perspective and understanding I never have before that I would like to share.

The condescension of Jesus Christ was a big deal.  According to Bruce R. McConkie Christ progressed so fast in the pre-existence that he became a God in his pre-mortal state.  Can you imagine having a son like that; a perfect son, who was totally obedient, honored you in every way, wanted to do your will more than his own, loved you and trusted you enough to do anything you wanted him to?  If you’re a parent that sounds pretty fantastic!  None of us can have children like that or be children like that, but because of the struggles of parenting that opposition can give a deeper understanding of what it would feel like to have a child like that.

When I imagine this it feels amazing.  I would love and cherish that son.  He would mean the world to me and I would want to protect him with every fiber of my being.  I can try to imagine how Heavenly Father felt about this perfect son.  Oh my goodness the perfect and intense love he must feel toward Christ!  What a powerful, tender, protective feeling He must have felt.  I can imagine how I would feel if I had a son like that. It would be the most difficult thing in the world to sacrifice Him to the most painful thing anyone would ever have to go through; all the sins of the world, but in addition, to sacrifice his honor and glory to come down among man and be spit on, humiliated, abused and killed. 

The love God offers me in the sacrifice of His son amazes me.  God loved the world; you and I, so much that He gave his only begotten Son.  God’s love amazes me!

Christ amazes me.  He didn’t know what this sacrifice would feel like until he experienced it for himself.  He thought he could do it.  God knew He could.  I know all of us on earth trusted that He could do it.  I am so glad I was willing to put my trust in God and Jesus Christ that He could perform the most powerful sacrifice of all time that would save us all. 

Christ is our perfect example of loving God enough to do His will.  If we love God more than man we put our value on pleasing God and doing His will, and not pleasing or looking good to others.  If we love God more than ourselves we empty ourselves of our pride, vanity, and hardness and are willing to listen, turn to Him and obey.  I wish I could love God that much.  I wish I had a perfect love that I could be that kind of being.  When I am perfected in Christ at the resurrection and am not a fallen being that is what I want; that I can be perfect in my love for God; that I can always act, think and feel as God wants me to.

Christ loved His Father so much.  He was empty of himself; his life, his honor, his power, his way, his goals, his wishes and his dreams were not important to him, he just wanted what His Father wanted.  That is a perfect love. 

I am having a small realization of what this meant to both of them.  How painful for God to sacrifice a perfect son who loves and trusts you so much, for a world, which for the most part would reject Him.  And how much Christ loved His Father.

We are doing a great work and cannot come down!

We just finished specialized training and it was so awesome.  We played the talk from Elder Uchtdorf entitled, “We Are Doing a Great Work and Cannot Come Down.” for our doctrine.  We had some wonderful role plays on teaching and finding and played some team building games. 

I wanted to talk a little about Elder Uchtdorf’s talk.  We stopped it several times to discuss different points he was making.  We first talked about change.  It’s important for each missionary to always know when we come to trainings that they may feel the spirit when they are in the meetings but if they walk out the door and never change then their time spent there has been a waste.  We want to change always.  It’s beautiful.

E. Uchtdorf talks about What Matters Most and that we could all give great talks about it, but, “our weakness is in failing to align our actions with our conscience.”  Sometimes we sacrifice doing the best things in place of doing good things. 

This sure can be true in missionary work.  At this point we stopped the video and talked about the difference of doing good; “missionary like activity”, vs. best; doing “missionary work”.  Sometimes as a missionary it’s easy to be comfortable being busy, but not really be focused on finding people to teach or teaching when we have the opportunity.  Missionaries, who are finding and teaching Christ no matter what they are doing during the day, are doing the best way, to spend their time and we define that as missionary work.

Then E. Uchtdorf goes on to give the great story of Nehemiah.  Listen to the talk https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/we-are-doing-a-great-work-and-cannot-come-down?lang=eng  It’s very inspiring.  I listened to it 5x’s over the 5 days and never got tired of it.

Next we related Nehemiah’s story to the Missionaries.  As Missionaries we face opposition, we must be consecrated and move forward no matter what distractions we face, we must, “have a mind to work”, and we must be firmly planted in the fact that, “We are doing a great work and must not come down.”  I think the missionaries could relate on many levels of how we sometimes come down off the wall and loose our focus.  We had a wonderful, inspiring, open discussion about being firmly resolved to be strictly obedient, and helping each other to be more firmly resolved to have a mind to work, so that we cannot come down.  We have resolved as a mission to change.  The spirit always invites change and we must, “align our actions with our conscience.”  I felt a lot of power in all 5 days of our training as we saw missionaries excited to give more and do more for the Lord.  We asked them to go out and give it their all for 4 days and come back and report.  We had those follow up accountings over the weekend and they were awesome.  Many missionaries shared their personal witness of miracles and blessings that happened when they consecrated more to the Lord.  We are now doing the same thing until interviews.  Then we will do it until Elder Nelson comes. 

We are doing a great work and cannot come down.  We are preparing our hearts and minds to receive an apostle of the Lord, Elder Russell M. Nelson who is coming to our mission April 18 & 19.  We are committed to being 200% accountable for ourselves and each other.  I felt the Lords hand in guiding us and directly giving us this training.  (I feel that a lot in our trainings I just don’t have time to write them all down.)  And it is inspiring to see our good missionaries, with their good hearts be willing to give more to the Lord.  They are so fantastic.  What amazing youth this gospel creates.  It reminds me of Joseph Smith’s powerful statement:

“Let us here observe, that a religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things, never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation.”

The Lord will do His work when I get out of the way.

I have had the distinct impression lately to go back into my journal and read and remember some of the experiences we had when we were first called and came out on the mission.  This has been a wonderful experience for me.  It is amazing to me how many special experiences I have forgotten.  How grateful I am that I have recorded them and can renew my memory and re-live some of those feelings and remember things I learned. 

One ironic thing that happened as I read was that I came across an entry that I hadn’t remembered at all, as I read about it I recalled the inspiration and it was powerful to me for what I am going through right now too.  I felt I was directed to this entry to re-learn and remember something that the Lord was trying to teach me again.  Here is the journal entry and my feelings about it today: (It’s going to be confusing.  This is about an experience that happened 2 years ago that prompted memories from something that happened 8 years ago that finally helped me to understand and learn from something that happened about 15 years ago.)  Good Luck.

I had a wonderful learning experience today.  It all started when I was talking to Sister D__ after new missionary training today.  She is training Sister L__ in a threesome companionship with Sister W__. Sister D was seeking some council because she and Sister W are both opinionated about how training should go and it’s often conflicting ideas.  They are both responsible and thoughtful and want to train Sister L the best way possible.  Sister D is trying to figure out the answer, she wants to: teach what she feels is best, know if she is too prideful and stubborn, have things be done the right way, and wants to work hard.  She wants to use time wisely but wonders if she is pushing and not relaxed enough to let the spirit in.  Her questions are good: “What is the balance?  How and what do I need to change inside?  What should I do differently?”

I could tell she was burdened down with worry over everything.  I was praying to know how to help and had the impression to say, “It sounds like a war is going on inside of you; impressions from the spirit, conflicting feelings of your own of what you feel is right, what you feel is fair because you are the official trainer and it’s your calling and authority, fear of hurting others and causing offense, and questions about if you’re loving your companions and being Christ like.”

Sister D then expressed, “Yes, I just don’t know what I should change and do differently.”

Right then the weirdest thing came into my mind from some learning I had done about 8 years ago.   I remembered when, [a young son] was going through some anger issues and I felt he was in the wrong everyday at how he was treating me and the family.  I wanted to convince him of the wrong of his ways and show him what was right.  I felt the spirit whisper constantly, “you can’t teach him, touch him, or show him anything, right now.  Walk away!”  I wanted to stay right where I was and convince him of the wrong of his ways.  Instead I chose to obey the spirit, and walk away, even though it didn’t make sense to me and wasn’t what I thought should happen.  (At least most of the time, sometimes my natural man would take over and I would stay in my pride, try to make him see his error, I would become more indignant with his behavior and it would end up in a big argument.)  I learned I could make it be about, “I’m right” and you’re going to see the wrong of your ways and have a big fight, or I could listen to the spirit, state a clear boundary and walk away as quickly as possible, knowing he never really saw his error, but there was also no arguing.  (We ended up having a relationship with him the best we could while he went through some difficult years and he grew out of it and he is great now.)

I remembered having learned that I don’t have to worry about what is fair, what I want to teach, how I think it should be, what I need to change or show, or what is going to happen.  I just needed to follow the spirit.

All of this remembering happened in a split second as I was praying to know how to help Sister D.  I talked to her about trusting what the spirit says.  I counseled her to, “Quit worrying about what you need to change, what is right and fair, what you think should happen, your position and how everyone thinks and feels.  Instead focus on what the spirit is telling you to do, trust that and let everything else go.”

She started to cry.  The spirit had touched her heart.  She said, “I don’t need to be burdened with worry, I just need to follow promptings.”  She seemed completely different.  I could tell the spirit had given her what she needed.  I thought to myself, “The Lord has done it again- HE just keeps teaching and touching these missionaries in His way.”

Tonight I have been praying and expressing my gratitude as I thought about the experience today and the learning I felt 8 years ago that helped me know how to help her.  I am so grateful for learning in my life and to serve a mission.  It is everything I love: talking about the gospel, teaching the gospel, conversations that help and strengthen others, feeling the spirit work through me, working alongside of amazing men and women who love the gospel also, learning so much, and seeing the Lord change people’s lives.  I love it so much, and I never want to go home.  I am also so glad to have a break from keeping that big house and big yard maintained.  It’s wonderful!

In my prayer tonight I was also expressing those same feelings I have written about before of, I don’t know why we were called to do this.  I don’t know why we got to be so blessed.  The Lord could have made anyone capable, I don’t know why He chose us, but I am extremely grateful He did, and I am so grateful for all the learning and changing over the years that I can draw from.

All of a sudden the Lord gave me knowledge I have been trying to understand for years.  I have been so grateful for so long for the ways I have changed and grown.  I always think about how I don’t know how change happens, I just know the Lord does it to us, we don’t do it for ourselves.  I first started thinking this around 15 years ago when I had been working on changing something about myself and it wasn’t going so well.  I was frustrated because I felt God wasn’t helping me.  I remember finally giving up and just saying, “I can’t do it Lord, I can’t change myself, you will just have to do it.”  I felt change happen in my life very quickly after that.  I never understood how it happened but I just knew the Lord changed me, not me. [Note: to read more completely of that experience I wrote about it in the #2 atonement blog.] See:http://prayrepentloverepeat.blogspot.com/2014/12/2-help-me-change-myself-lord-not.html

Tonight in a split second I finally understood how change really happens.  It all kind of came together for me as I was praying.   When I gave up what I wanted; my desires, what I felt was right, what I felt was fair, my expectations; my pride, and put it all on the alter and said, “I give up Lord, I don’t care about anything, I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.  I am willing to give up everything, that’s how desperate I am.  I don’t want my expectations to be met, things to be fair or proper, or what I feel is right to happen.  I don’t care how things look, or what makes sense.  I just want to change and stop feeling these feelings.”  I finally cared more about listening, obeying and awakening to His will more than my own.  All I cared about, finally, 100%, was doing God’s will; listening and obeying the spirit more than anything else.

To be specific I realized tonight that I had thought from my own upbringing that kids should do certain things, act in certain ways, talk in certain ways, etc.  These ways were appropriate and meant you were respectful and appreciative of others.  Well the expectations were probably unrealistic for the children I have been blessed with and this war of what I thought was right was going on with what the spirit was telling me to do.

I finally understand 15 years later how those changes happened. When I gave up my way and became open to a new way; a new view-that was repentance.  In doing this I created a place for Him.  He then could change me.

It also occurs to me that this is how we lay down our “weapons of war”.  There is a war going on inside of us.  We have a natural man and Child of God, both pulling at us every day. I think that natural man exists in our mind and the child of God is in our heart.  Our natural man is an enemy to God and to the child of God inside.  When we lay down our weapons of war it’s not just for sin, its wrong traditions, habits and expectations that keep us from following the spirit that will make us true followers of Christ and His disciples.  I am so grateful for the Lord to put this learning into my mind 15 years later.

That was the journal entry.  If you’re still with me I’m amazed. 

Anyway as I was reading this journal entry I couldn’t believe I had forgotten that.  It has really helped me again to think of giving up my will, expectations, desires, wants and dreams and just empty myself out and accept God’s will instead.  I have been working on that for a while now.  I am finally feeling better.  I feel stronger.  I am learning over and over again that I can trust the Lord.  He is The Way. 

I keep having the word empty come into my mind.  I feel emptying myself, of myself, has created a place inside of me for the Lord to fill with His peace and hope.  He has filled me with an assurance that things will work out in the end, that He knows everyone of His children, that He loves my children and is mindful of them, and that what has been given to them has been done in His wisdom, not randomly and thoughtlessly.  I trust that He knows what He is doing, and I have peace in that.  His timing is perfect and I can also trust in that. 

Getting me to this point over the last 7 months has been a lot of work for all three members of the Godhead.  I feel the spiritual work they do in our lives to bring us peace, comfort, hope, happiness, freedom, and confidence- all in the face of sin, heartache, trials, pain and grief, is sacred.  This is sacred work.  What they can do with me amazes me. My heart is so full of gratitude. These are sacred changes they perform when I will get out of the way and let them.  Oh, I am so grateful for the goodness of the Godhead and all that they offer.